Media stays home

President Bush issued a 49-page National Security Strategy, the WSJ wrote a thoughtful piece that includes a link to the doc itself ... and the legacy media writes like they are or think we are in kindergarten.

The LAT calls it a "[a] dodo of a national security policy" A dodo? How cute. Utterly simple, amazingly infantile - yo dude, go snort some more coke and order a latte something - then wax your prose around something you are capable of viewing without your diseased-colored glasses.

I pulled Clinton's 1997 NSS and search Lexis-Nexis for commentary. Not a single article was written about it. No articles on the NSS written in 1998. None in 1999. Now I am bored looking.

The media are consistent, eh? Consistently and pathetically biased.

Another story

I've got no interest in covering murder stories. A morbid fascination does not stir within me. But I came across something interesting, and I want to share it.

The primary story is the nasty mass murder out in Seattle. Several dead, including the gunman.

The interesting part is how bloggers step in. Huff's Crime Blog is providing information from MySpace and other internet sources written by the victims, their friends, and their acquaintances. One victim, age 22, wrote that his "worst fear" was "dying young." It is the discussion at the virtual coffee shop. This level of detail would be learned only if we were there and involved in their lives. The internet is changing so many things.

A Gathering (updated)

Sometimes it is difficult from afar to tell whether the demons belong to someone else or are your demons going for a short walk.

There is going to be quite a story behind this sad situation. A 31-year old, third generation minister with three young children is shot to death in "a bedroom" of his home by his wife. She appears to have rented a condo several hundred miles away after the shooting took place. The kids are so young - 8, 6, and 1; the wife is 32.

I hate to say it, but some of the meanest and cruelest men I have ever met have only been mean and cruel to their wives - and behind closed doors with a Bible next to their bed. Those men take the Word and think they know it so well that their filter is best. They demand selfless devotion from their wife. They inflict degrading behavior. They think that they cleanse their tortured soul through regular prayer.

Did Mary Winkler see no other way out but to waste him? Was he that cruel that he had to die? Was she saving her children? Or was she fighting demons of her own?

Some updates are surfacing. Police know the motive. Infidelity has been denied; abuse has received no comment.

UPDATE. Some interesting comments out there. "I'm related to Mary through marriage. Her entire side of the family is a little cuckoo. It is a matriarchy run by Mary's grandmother. If you don't do things her way, you are blacklisted. I have seen it first hand, and it's a really ugly story. They pride themselves on image. They are very self-righteous and look down on people "inferior" to them. Behind the wonderful church image is sheer ugliness." "I think he's 32 and from Tennessee. I believe he and Mary went to Freed-Hardemon. Either there or Lipscomb. I remember her telling me people used to give them dirty looks because she's so petite he looked like her dad or something when they first started dating. We still have no idea what happened."

MasterBait Company Newsletter

MasterBait Company Newsletter
Vol. 4, No. 1

MasterBait Brand Fishing Lures – Home of the World-Famous PocketRocket, TrouserTrout, and the all new Cyclopes! Fishing ain’t fishing unless you’re MasterBaiting!

Welcome to the latest issue of the MasterBait Newsletter. Ever round the bend of a stream and see a fisherman fumbling in his pocket with a big grin on his face? You know he’s reaching for that TrouserTrout and is getting ready to MasterBait! Walk over and say, Hello! For good measure, whip out your PocketRocket and show your new friend your MasterBaiting technique! You’ll have a new friend for a long, long time.

ANNOUNCEMENT! ANNOUCEMENT! New line – Cyclops. We’re pleased to announce the availability of a new line of MasterBait lures – the Cyclops. Based upon our patent-pending WINK technology, the Cyclops funnels water back through its body and shoots it in front of itself, creating a pulsating rhythm that fish can’t help but gobble up. Be sure to order several! You haven’t MasterBaited until you’ve been WINKed at by the One-Eyed Guy!

Sad News. We are saddened to share the passing of one of our founders, Don Pheeler, inventor of our best-selling line, the PocketRocket. As a recipient of the industry’s distinguished Honored Among Regulars award, he adopted the acronym and was known as HAR Don Pheeler.

HAR Don taught in our schools during every session. “Don’t yank on that thing so hard, you’ll pull it off!” was a common refrain to new students.

At 81 years old, he spoke last year about his eventual death: “When I die, I’ll be happy if only I die MasterBaiting.” He got his wish. He passed with his PocketRocket in hand. In accordance with his final instructions, he was interred in a seated position with both hands firmly grasping his PocketRocket. Wherever he is now, we are comforted to known that he is surrounded by legions of MasterBaiters. Godspeed, friend.

Customer Profile. Richard Johnson has been MasterBaiting for 40 years. He taught his son how to MasterBait, and four of his grandchildren – three boys and one girl. “She was a real challenge,” Dick shared with us as we sat at his MasterBaition Station next to his pond. “Couldn’t seem to focus enough. Very bright girl. Very energenic. But her mind would wander during lessons. The boys took right to it! My, I get up with the sun and they’d be in the backyard – that early! Standing in a circle, Wonder Worms in hand, MasterBaiting like it was their last chance. It was glorious to see.”

Dick showed us his den where he has his equipment laid out. It was easy to tell his love for the sport: his eyes misted over as he showed us his Captain Slappy. “This is how I used to do it,” and he proceeded to share his early MasterBaition technique. We all laughed at his feigned clumsiness.

Back at the Station, Dick began to work with his granddaughter again. “Your hand goes here …” His voice trailed out of range for us to hear, but his dedication to teaching was easy enough to see. She’ll be fine. She’ll be MasterBaiting like a pro in no time.

Dick Johnson. A MasterBaiter for the record books.

MasterBaition Nation in the News.

“I should have stuck to MasterBaiting! Good rule: An intern walks into the office – grab your Schlong and run!” Former President Bill Clinton, commenting upon the Monica Lewinsky Scandal.

“Women Don’t MasterBait!” Sen. Hillary Clinton (D-NY). Over 43% of our customers beg to differ, Senator! Maybe if you MasterBaited regularly, that angry look on your face would soften. Go ahead, give it a try!

“Well, Dick, I’m right-handed. When it gets real bad, I MasterBait with my left hand and I don’t feel so all alone.” Former Sen. Tom Daschle (D-SD) on how he passes his time now that he’s been unemployed for a few years.

Dear Yanker – Our readers share their stories and ask for advice.

Dear Yanker, just wanted to share a great memory. My wife was telling me the coffee was tasting bland and wanted a change. Well, I like my coffee just the way it is! So, the next morning I got up and told her I would make the coffee. I did it the usual way – but then I pulled out my TouserTrout and MasterBaited right in her cup! She loved it! Now, I MasterBait every morning! Thank you for my memories and her tastes! Jesse.

Dear Jesse, way to go! There’s nothing like the taste of TrouserTrout first thing in the morning! Your wife is one lucky girl. A little suggestion, if I may. Don’t limit the TrouserTrout to her coffee! Spread it over everything she eats! She’ll love you for it! Have a great time MasterBaiting! Yanker.

Dear Yanker, I need some advice. I try and try to MasterBait, but can’t seem to do it well. Little help? (Name withheld by request), age 14.

Dear Name Withheld, no need to be embarrassed! We all had to learn through trial and error. I suggest that you start with the PockerRocket – it’s the only model that comes with a head so your grip won’t slip! This is important if you adopt the “new-bee” technique suggested by some of our old timers – put a little soap on that stick! Once you develop your own technique for yanking, the soap will no longer be necessary. Soap up, yank, and enjoy! Yanker.

Employee Profile. Richard Charles Hertz, Jr. “Who’s Dick Hertz?” you ask. We wish everyone could raise their hand! Dick is our quality assurance manager. Next time you touch your Elastic Warrior and it feels so good, or your Mayonnaise Cannon shoots its load with pinpoint accuracy, you have Dick to thank! He MasterBaits eight hours a day, five days a week, just to please you, our devoted MasterBaition Nation. Next time you visit our offices, be sure to rub his bald head for good luck, and don’t be surprised if he stands at attention in appreciation! Way to go, Dick!

Contest. Send us pictures of you MasterBaiting in public! We are looking for unique technique and a curious environment. Everyone who enters will receive a suitable-for-framing “Grant of Membership in the MasterBaition Nation” certificate. Grand prize is a trip to our company headquarters where you can MasterBait along with us at the company pond!

Last Month’s Contest Winners. Remember, we asked you – the members of the MasterBaition Nation – to send in your ideas for taglines to be used in our advertising. The response was overwhelming! Thank you to everyone that submitted an entry.

Although the choice was difficult, our judges went for the simple, direct approach. Our winner was yanker John Thomas of Worcester, Mass. His winning entry is elegant in its simplicity: “I MasterBait.”

A whole bunch of taglines deserve honorable mention: “MasterBait with a friend,” “I’ll stop MasterBaiting when you pry my TrouserTrout from my cold, dead fingers,” “Serial MasterBaiter,” “I’d Rather be MasterBaiting!” “Women MasterBait, Too!” “It’s not a Choice – It’s MasterBaition!” and our in-house favorite, “I MasterBait and I Vote.”

Special Mention goes out to this entry. We’re not quit sure how effective it is in catching fish, but we applaud the effort: “I MasterBait in the Shower!”

Order a Catalogue! It’s Free! Our lures are known around the world! Our best sellers include: the Angry Samoan, Ankle Spanker, Beaver Cleaver, Beef Bayonet, Blue-Veined Custard Chucker, Captain Candy, Captain Slappy, The Cheese Farm, Chromosome Snake, Devirginator, Denture Cleaner, Elastic Warrior, Eleventh Finger, Giggle Stick, Gherkin, Gut Wrench, Hanging Johnny, Hog’s Leg, Kickstand, Kidney Sweeper, Knee Knocker, Little Elvis, Love Club, Main Vein, Mayonnaise Cannon, Meat Thermometer, One-Eyed Cave Explorer, Pork Flute, Pork Sword, Pump-Action Yogurt Rifle, Russle the One-Eyed Muscle, Schlong, Tallywacker, Wonder Weasel, and the Wonder Worm.

Don’t forget a tackle box to hold all your MasterBait lures! Choose from our most popular models including the Bean Bag, Chin Ornament Sack, and the Mud Flap!

Hey Ladies, going on a sausage run? Aren’t you tired of the bar scene? Gather a few friends and stay home with our MasterBaition Party Kit! You won’t be disappointed and the fun will come in wave after wave of excitement all night long.

Job Opportunity. We are looking for a Master MasterBaiter! Do you MasterBait well enough to teach others? Drop us a line and describe your experience and technique. A video might be helpful. Consider including a session of you showing others how to MasterBait.

MasterBait for profit – become a dealer of our products. Need a fundraiser? Sell our LapTaffy! Call the home office for more details and an information package.

Changing America into a MasterBaition Nation one yanker at a time!

Zoo News International: Cricket Fascinates Me

I read sporting-page reviews of cricket games a lot. I understand nothing of the game except that they call the bat a “wicket,” their pitchers throw underhand like softball pitchers or girls, and at some point they run around the bases. The scoring and mechanics of the game are beyond my knowledge in their totality.

But ignorance of a topic never stopped or even slowed me from commenting upon it. Here’s the article – let’s go for a ride.

Three-wicket Kumble puts England in a spin

Anil Kumble grabbed three wickets (ok, first sign of trouble. If a wicket is a bat, grabbing three of them makes no sense.) brighten India's hopes of forcing a win (how does one “force” a win? You can take, steal, or deserve a win, but to force a win sounds like the other side had to give it to you. I don’t get it.) in the second Test (game? Inning? half? period?) against England after Ashes hero Kevin Pietersen's dubious dismissal (so their refs suck, too. At least something is the same.).

The in-form (shapely? comely?) England batsman was given out (like outed? Like formerly closeted?) by Australian umpire Darrell Hair when his attempted sweep off spinner Harbhajan Singh (this is dense; first ignore the name) was held by Rahul Dravid in the slips (a geographical place), but the TV replays suggested the ball hit only the forearm (a body part). (a sweep off was held in the slips but actually just it some guy’s forearm. Sorry, I haven’t a clue.)

Pietersen, who had scored two successive half-centuries (I know this. I read ahead and think a century refers to scoring 100 points. I’m so happy!) in the series, contributed just four this time before walking back in disbelief. (get over it, loser.)

England had struggled to 112-5 (struggled? Sounds like an ass kicking.) in their second innings at stumps (stumps? Slips? This game sounds like Dungeons and Dragons) on the fourth day ((how the hell long do they play?! Four days?!) after conceding a lead of 38. The tourists (playing for the better part of a week, I guess it is appropriate to call the visiting team tourists) are now just 74 ahead with five wickets in hand. (carry five bats around again. Bizarrre.)

Stand-in captain Andrew Flintoff was unbeaten on 16 with wicket-keeper Geraint Jones on one and the last two recognised batsmen were at the crease. (how does one enter a game and be unrecognized? Stumps, slips, crease – the list never ends!)

Ian Bell top-scored with a solid 57 for his seventh Test half-century before being caught behind to become leg-spinner Kumble's third victim (OMG, they killed him!).

Kumble, who became the fifth bowler in Test history to complete 500 wickets on Saturday (a record? Very cool. Must be like lots of home runs. But Test still throws me.), kept testing the batsmen with clever variations to end the day with 3-41. (Nope. Testing with clever variations? 3-41? So Kumble played a kind of funky Jeopardy! with the batsguy and the batsguy got 3 out of 44 questions right? This cricket game sounds so cool.)

India go into the fifth and final day on Monday (tourists, like house guests, never seem to leave, eh?), when as many as 98 overs (over what?) are scheduled to be bowled, hoping to press home their advantage after the first Test in the three-match series was drawn. (This sentence seems to have a bunch of grammatical errors, but I’m sure it’s a British thing. They suck at grammar.)

Pietersen fell three overs (dunno) after England had lost Andrew Strauss, who was given out by the third umpire, India's Arani Jayaprakash.

The left-handed opener (I hope this is a person rather than a back-handed comment) tried to sweep Kumble but the ball hit the bat, boot and then pad (rather complete description of ball trajectory) before being held by wicket-keeper Mahendra Dhoni in front of the stumps (a clue! The stumps must be around the guy that keeps track of the bats.).

Kumble's other victim (OMG, a serial murderer!) was all-rounder Paul Collingwood, caught at slip by Dravid (accessory to murder) after making 14.

India secured a first innings lead after an impressive 95 from Dravid and useful contributions from bowlers Irfan Pathan (52), Harbhajan (36) and Kumble (32). They were bowled out for 338 (Bowled out, nope. Don’t get it.) in reply to England's first innings 300.

India were (that grammar thing again; India is a collective noun requiring a singular verb.) in danger of conceding the lead when they were reduced to 153-5 (another ass kicking) after resuming on 149-4, but Dravid and Pathan steadied the innings with a crucial 76-run stand (wow, how many times do these guys get to bat?) for the sixth wicket.

Kumble and Harbhajan were then involved in a rollicking 53-run stand for the eighth wicket.

Flintoff was the most successful bowler, claiming three of the six Indian wickets that fell on Sunday to finish with 4-96. Swing bowler (boy, another sexual reference. Guess it’s natural when you stay for five days.) Matthew Hoggard and paceman Steve Harmison each bagged two (hunting season? This game is unbelievable.).

The England captain dismissed well-set Dravid and the free-stroking Pathan in the morning session. (did someone mention a daisy chain?)

Dravid looked set to complete his 23rd Test century before he inside-edged a delivery on to his stumps (sounds painful). He had added 35 to his overnight score of 60 and hit 10 fours.

Pathan struck one six off left-arm spinner Monty Panesar and five fours in his sixth Test half-century before being caught by Collingwood at backward point (another place to add to the list) off Flintoff.

England then faced resistance from an unexpected quarter as tail-ender Harbhajan chanced his arm (his arm was running ahead of him? How bizarre.) to smash seven fours in an entertaining 41-ball knock (sounds like a good time was had by all).

(For true cricket fans, I have included what seems to be a scoring summary below. After studying everything presented in the article, I have concluded that I learned nothing about this rather very long game. Oh well. Maybe next article.)

Panesar 31 V. Sehwag c Jones b Harmison 11 R. Dravid b Flintoff 95 S. Tendulkar c Strauss b Flintoff 4 Y. Singh c Bell b Hoggard 15 M. Dhoni c Jones b Harmison 16 I. Pathan c Collingwood b Flintoff 52 A. Kumble b Plunkett 32 H. Singh c Jones b Flintoff 36 P. Chawla c Collingwood b Hoggard 1 M. Patel not out 11 Extras (lb25, nb8, w1) 34 Total 338 Fall of wickets: 1-18, 2-96, 3-103, 4-134, 5-153, 6-229, 7-260, 8-313, 9-321 Bowling: Hoggard 18-6-55-2 Harmison 28-9-60-2 Flintoff 22-3-96-4 Plunkett 9.2-1-37-1 Panesar 19-3-65-1 England 2nd innings A. Strauss c Dhoni b Kumble 13 A. Cook c Dhoni b Patel 2 I. Bell c Dhoni b Kumble 57 K. Pietersen c Dravid b Harbhajan 4 P. Collingwood c Dravid b Kumble 14 A. Flintoff not out 16 G. Jones not out 1 Extras (lb1, nb3, w1) 5 Total (for five wickets) 112 Fall of wickets: 1-7, 2-50, 3-55, 4-88, 5-109 Bowling: Pathan 6-1-16-0 Patel 5-2-10-1 Harbhajan 19-5-37-1 Kumble 17-4-41-3 Chawla 4-2-7-0

Zoo News - All that Glitter's just ain't Golden

Rock & Roll Part 2 meets Neverland Ranch.

"I am not an animal!" Yes, Mr. Glitter (nee Paul Francis Gadd), it seems that you are. Let's look at the tape ...

1999. Great Britain. Guilty of possession of child pornography. 4-1/2 months jail served fully.

2002. Cambodia. Expelled from the country for unspecificed reasons.

November 2005. Vietnam. Arrested as he tried to leave country for Bangkok (apropos, eh?). His laptop hard disk was filled with porn.

December 2005. Vietnam. Pays families of "victims" $2,000 each.

The details provided in the article about his acts with the 10 and 11 year old girls are deeply offensive.

Yes, Mr. Glitter, a few years on the other end of molestation should do you some good. Don't worry, bud, tastes just like chicken.

(Drum roll, heavy guitar, stomping feet ... fade out)

Zoo News: Uncle Walter Gets a Day Pass

NASA is giving Uncle Walter a moon rock. There is an underlying redundancy that I can’t quite get my finger on. Cronkite long ago lost his ability to make a cogent argument. He meandered toward obscurity barking his liberal agenda like some junkyard dog pacing a fence.

A google of "Walter Cronkite Liberal" leads to all sorts of great quotes. That’s it! The man is beyond being as a dense and intellectually vacuous as a rock – he is a rock from outer space. Got it. I think they should redo Lost in Space or the original Star Trek. Cronkite’s face could be superimposed on a rock that is piled with other meaningless things just off camera. A propos, as the French say.

OK, enough of cranky old former news anchors now boat anchors …

How about a 14th-century shipwreck? In about 30 feet of water somewhere in front of Stockholm, is a ship in the mud. Built between 1350 and 1370, and then sunk during the 1390s, they are hoping that it might have cargo. Doubtful, but a good thought. Why did it sink? Seems to have a repair to the hull made with leather. Poor cow.

Gary Glitter’s molestation trial opened today in Vietnam. Seems 10 and 11 year olds had front row seats to his sporting event. Well, allegedly. I wonder how many people are outside the courthouse dressed as dawgs or cheeseheads and playing Rock & Roll Part 2. Hey!

Silly me. Here I thought ”touch that toilet paper and I’ll kill you” was a euphemism. Seems a radical response to an empty roll.

PETA doesn’t like it when a pig is de-nutted. Bummer. Beyond how the pig feels, it was a Future Farmers of America gig. Give it up. Let the pig deal with his loss and stay out.

Cereal City meets Lambchop. Was Megan’s Law meant to apply cross species? What a great legal question. Beyond that – yuk-o! God, man, get a hold of yourself. Literally. That’s gotta be better on the conscious than what you did.

So it’s a crime to, um, whatever happened above that resulted in a sheep being rape-kitted, but this is not a crime? It is applauded? Such an odd standard out there. You can kiss a chicken but you can’t … a sheep. Go figure.

Honey, can I have a couple of dollars to go shopping? Where? Nowhere in particular, I just want a couple of dollars for wherever. No, please, really. I want to go. I want to go big time. Hey, a-hole, I ain’t asking!

If at first you don’t succeed, try, try, try again. Husband can’t kill wife. Fails four times. Gas, CO, poison twice. How about a small thermonuclear event? Take both of you out. Loser.