Dishwater coagulates on pretzels; day saved by Reynolds Wrap, a gun, targeted adverts, and a pirate

My worst fears realized. They got in three outs in NY and the rains came again. I can’t even bear to check the Doppler. I watched a Mets game. Cute, but not real baseball. The Orioles are blacked out; probably for the best. I feel so deeply betrayed by the low pressure system hanging close to the coast. I cling to the belief that it plans only a delay until later this evening. I’m not sure what I’ll do if the game is postponed.

Fresh blood at room temperature will coagulate – that is, the clear serum separate from the red cells – after about 15 to 20 minutes. So if you move a body after that event, the smear will be of the component parts. You cannot thereafter claim without fear of contradiction that you moved the body immediately after the blood-letting incident. Clear smears prove prior coagulation. Good rule. Court TV.

Wal-Mart spends $578MM on advertising each year, and now is going to focus its spending through differing ad agencies dedicated along racial lines – African American/urban, Asian and Hispanic accounts. These groups collectively represent about 20% of the US population, but a much larger amount – almost 55% – of the people in poverty in this country. A lot of people don’t like Wal-Mart, but at least they are honest.

News you can’t really use: The product with the strongest brand recognition in the United States is Reynolds Wrap. The top 10 were Ziploc food bags (No.2), Hershey's candy bars (No. 3), Kleenex tissues from Kimberly-Clark Corp. (No. 4), Clorox Bleach (No. 5), WD-40 lubricant (No. 6), Heinz ketchup (No. 7), Ziploc containers (No. 8), Windex (No. 9), and Campbell's soup (No. 10).

Money can’t buy you love: Budweiser spends $40MM to be the exclusive beer of the World Cup. The Germans call it dishwater. A rival beer company gives away free pants – and the ticket guys require 1,000 Dutch fans to remove the orange logo pants before entering the stadium. “Ambush advertising” is in violation of the need to protect Bud’s investment. How utterly pathetic. No wonder soccer fans riot so often – you’d act out, too, if you had to watch the game in your underwear drinking bull piss, er, dishwater. My German and Dutch brethren, I stand with you – Budweiser sucks.

Feel like a recipe? Me, too! Let’s make some Pretzels. Thanks to the Snake River Brewing Co.

Prep Time: 25 minutes
Inactive Prep Time: 1 hour 10 minutes
Cook Time: 20 minutes
Yield: 4 to 6 servings

2 tablespoons yeast
2 cups warm water
6 cups all-purpose flour
1 tablespoon salt
2 tablespoons sugar
1/4 cup honey
3 eggs, beaten
Honey Butter Mix, recipe follows
Kosher salt, for sprinkling

Preheat oven to 425 degrees F.

In a large bowl, combine the yeast and warm water. Add the flour, salt, sugar, honey, and eggs. Mix thoroughly for about 10 minutes. Let the dough rise about 10 to 15 minutes. Divide the dough into 4-ounce portions and shape into pretzels. Place on a greased cookie sheet and let rise for 1 hour. Brush with Honey Butter Mix and sprinkle with kosher salt. Bake for 20 minutes.

Honey Butter Mix:

1/2 cup melted butter
1/4 cup honey

In a small bowl combine melted butter and honey.

Beer, pretzels … baseball … oh no! the Yankee game is postponed! Time for a gun commercial.

This is a cool site for all kinds of scripts. The URL doesn’t rewrite when you travel through the site, so here is a primer. Along the bottom, select “Film Scripts,” then in yellow in just below the red and green arrows, select “Scripts K-R,” and then grab the slider and move down to “Pirates of the Caribbean.” Click on the film name for either the first draft or final draft of the script (note that both are the first draft!). If you Crtl-A Crtl-C and Crtl-V into Word, it comes to 117 pages.

Enough. Gotta do things.

Lunatics with bunched panties and jock itch line up to become president, then sweat for 2,000 years

I never watch television news anymore – gave up on the legacy networks 15 or more years ago, and now the cable guys. It is on now because my son is ramping into the political opinion world.

North Korea and the Little Lunatic are talking about launching a missile that “could reach most of the United States.” A map comes up with stars on LA, Kansas City, NYC. We could use our “limited” missile shield, but a “former assistant secretary of defense under the Clinton administration thinks that would be a bad idea.” The doofus shares that two reasons suggest not to use it – “it might not work” and something else like “they’d have proven their point that it worked.”

Who are these morons? Might not work? Wouldn’t you love that, ex-Clinton kneepad wearer? Don't use something because it might not work as designed? Do you walk to work in case the car won't start? If the Little Lunatic launches, he’ll be lucky to point it in the right direction, let alone achieve anything resembling a flight path to anywhere. Kansas City? I will immolate with diesel fuel if he gets within a thousand miles of anything this side of Guam.

Nothing satisfies these news whores. They got their panties in a bunch over W accessing financial records and screening for transactions that suggest terror funding; and if an attack happened and it could have been found through such a screen but none was being done, then they’d be screaming why it wasn’t happening.

The Florida 7?!? A bunch of amateurs talking about being criminals. They’ve got experts all over the screen talking about the structure of home-grown terrorists. The FBI infiltrated and … oh, wait! This is great. This was a group of “rank amateurs” that were not capable of achieving “their desired ends.” The problem is that “this is precisely the type of groups that fly under the RADAR of our current terrorist tracking priorities.”

Hunh?!? First, it can’t be so far under the RADAR that we didn’t detect it, as we apparently did. Whew! Do we look stupid? Next, if they are sitting around talking but utterly incapable of achieving anything, then why do we care? Aren’t we infringing on the civil rights of weird people? Are they suggesting we conduct more surveillance? And then if we did more, then … the panties would bunch once more.

I’m taking bets that Katie Couric spends Labor Day 2007 watching the CBS Evening News from our side of the screen. Your money isn’t good here. I want something better. She’ll gain no less than 30 pounds thereafter and before the following St. Patrick’s Day.

Norman Mineta, Secretary of Transportation, 12th in the Presidential Succession Line (would be 14th except that two above him are not natural-born citizens), has resigned, effective July 7, 2006. Doesn’t affect me in even the most remote of senses. Onward.

What does affect me is that rain may be both here and NYC for a few days AND the Yankees have a weekend home stand. Games postponed? Two or three days without baseball? Time for diesel fuel and a spark maker thingey.

Global warming. We are warmer than we have been in over 400, no wait, 2,000 years! Why the correction? Well, it seems that records suck over 400 years ago. But the data suggest 2,000 years! But wait! You mean that we were just as warm when Jesus was here? Was a part of His lost ministry to tell us to park all of our cars and stop using aerosol armpit spray? And, hey, while you’re at it, switch from BC to AD. Al Gore always makes my stomach wanna project its contents outward.

Phil Spector isn’t worth a link. His murder trial starts in January. Poor guy. He will be the first celebrity found guilty of anything besides drug possession in SoCal since that little fat kid on the Little Rascals. Spector was always stupid. Then he puts a gun into some woman’s mouth. From friend of John Lennon to wife of Bubba. Bet number two: he puts a gun in his own mouth before his trial starts.

Have you seen the Ford commercial with the guy singing? I disliked it greatly, and then I was told that he won the singing contest thing where the contestants have to sleep with Paula Abdul as a part of the can-you-do-this-without-laughing-or-vomiting section. Poor guy; almost feel sorry for him. May send him a bumper sticker – I slept with Paula and all I got was a Ford commercial.

Want to have the best of both worlds? Donate you body to science AND live? This site tracks clinical trials in which you can participate for fun and (sometimes) profit. Got Acute Sinusitis and live around Portage, Michigan? Sweat a lot and live around Mount Pleasant, South Carolina? Got Irritable Bowel Syndrome in Feasterville, PA? You can search by condition or geography.

I’m not feeling well. I’m so bored I am watching a repeat of the ChiSox and Cards – teams way out of my division and interest. Except for Thome. Used to play for the Phillies. He stopped grabbing his crotch after every pitch. Chicago use different detergent on their jock straps? More formerly known as tinea cruris, perhaps Thome used one of these eight drugs for his um, itch.

I gotta go, but my friend can stick around.

It's MY dog; get your own!

How can you top this? This guy gets caught red-something popping rover up the yingyang and all he can say is "it's my dog. What's the problem?" What is this world coming to?

The dog:

The dude:

The offenses: one count of felony sexual bestiality and one count of felony animal cruelty; one misdemeanor count each of giving a false name to deputies, exposure of sexual organs and possession of paraphernalia (after a marijuana-smoking pipe was found in his pocket).

Upon discovery and apparent pull-out, the dog ran behind the deputies and peered out at the formerly inserted owner. Words escape me. Isn't a hooker cheaper than room and board for a hound? My god, you are already paying for your hands - use one of those. Fruit? Fruit's good. A dog?!? Up its butt?!? Did you at least use a condom?

I have to get up to walk and clear this out of my mind. I am just completely grossed out.

Bad hair IS a violation of the law

Always learning, I am. I discovered a secret movement of women being arrested for nothing more than bad hair. I'm not sure if the girls purposely flaunt their faulty coifs in hopes of being arrested, or if the NJS Police have a dragnet set for offensive do's. Either way, the contest is on.

Our first contestant, Betty Martin, is a luscious 5'6" with sky blue eyes spread on and around an endearing 195 pounds of woman. Her trumped up charges include Possession of a Controlled Substance and Receiving Stolen Property. Her do begins with white-girl corn rows that ease into an explosion of K-Mart rubber bands, which culminate in spider-leg ponytails. A truly exceptional entry. Thank you, Betty.

Next, Tyrida Carter, aka, Tyrinda, Joy, and Kerema, was picked up still holding her return boarding pass from Disney World & Epcot Center. Her trumped-up charges include two counts of aggravated assault for which she hopes to be paroled later this year. Regardless, she has already booked her flight back to Orlando for April 20, 2008 - one day following her max date. Her coif speaks for itself: elegantly small dreads formed into Mickey ears drooping slightly. Cheer up, Tyrida Tyrinda Joy Kerema! Nobody likes a sad clown!

Our next entrant, Holly Bernard, is another white girl advancing the corn row look. Holly is in the midst of a five-year stint for robbery. She sports a mandatory minimum of 4 years, 3 months, and 1 day! And not a moment less, young lady! The uniqueness of her do can be seen in the rear sides – braids intact on the viewer’s right, and undone on the left. Remarkable symmetry! Holly has lots of runways in her future! Maybe a little pancake on the forehead for your next mug shot, babe.

Next in our coiffed sister list is April Ballentine. April enjoyed the best of New Jersey hospitality on dual three-year sentences for both sides of possession – drugs and a weapon! Her eleven corn rows flow backward like the hands on a multiple-personality clock. What happens on the back of her head is anyone’s guess. The audience is left with only wisps of her beautiful blonde locks. One can only hope it is natural!

Perhaps seeing April scooped up by several brawny NJS cops and wanting to share in the thrill, Crissy Davidson sports a variation of April’s “What’s-that-in-the-back-of-your-head?” look. Thinking quickly, Crissy dealt some weed on school property and was promptly give a year and nine months, with a 4 year tail. You go, girl! Crissy’s front rows lack the drawing power of April’s clock hands, but her rear guard more than overcomes that deficiency. Look at how it seems to stand straight out at all angles from bottom to both sides to the top. Just takes your breath away.

Just two more to go, voters! Next up is Nicole Peterson. This girl needs no alias at a compact 144 pounds and 5’5”. Fresh off 3 years, 4 months, and 22 days for robbery, Nicole sports a fun asymmetrical rooster’s tail led to by a motif of corn rows. This tranquil country scene resting on her ample head was sure to attract a squad car in no time! Enjoy your street time, girl – they can’t touch you now … you’re all maxed out!

Our final contestant, Leya Williams, causes the boys to do a double-take: is that hair or the aftermath of second-degree burns? AKA Leah, our potential burn victim is no one to mess with. One hundred fifty-eight pounds compacted into a 5’6” frame, Leya looks forward to another of life’s disappointments on Christmas Eve 2007 when the parole board will blow through her early release, and instead opt to max her out into the summer of 2008 for her robbery and weapons convictions. Leya finished her ambiguous top with sides that scream for a dab of conditioner or grease. The energy felt in her do belies a calm deep within her.

So there you have it. Our first bad-hair day contest. Voting will continue until the last inmate is released, so take your time in marking your ballots.

(Tip of the hat to iowahawk who inspired this writing through his series of posts highlighting the “Hoosegow Honeys.” His latest post is a few paragraphs down here. My contribution to the cause is Diane Crew, a not-quite-svelte-but-charming-nonetheless 5’5”, 139 pounds, getting ready to celebrate her 21st birthday this October. Diane offers a simple blown-dry blonde hair with strawberry highlights framing her blue eyes and high cheek bones. She’ll be a good girl, staying away from manufacturing meth with her boyfriend until at least Christmas 2009 when she maxes out.)