Advice for my daughter

So my daughter got asked on a date for the first time and promptly said “no.” I am so proud of her. I figure now it is time to have “the talk.” I am nowhere near man enough to do it face-to-face, so I will do it here.

There comes a time, dear, when boys are no longer satisfied with, um, touching themselves. They want to, um, well, touch you. As your first reaction to any reach of a physical nature, dear, that is the time when you use the gun that I bought for you. Usually, just a flash of the shiny nickel-plate is enough to get your message across. But don’t hesitate to pistol-whip him into submission, and as you stare into his blood-spurting face, put the barrel next to his mayonnaise cannon and say, “Next!” and look around with that wild-eyed face you used to get when you were three and went soft-shell snail hunting in California. Guaranteed to end the reach.

A little more complicated situation is when the reach is verbal. You see, dear, the physical reach is clear – it happened or it didn’t happen. Even if you misread his intentions on a physical movement, that’s fine, too. The boy will just be more circumspect in the future. You may be saving him a pistol whipping or some other violent reaction to his wandering hands. Verbal reaches, dear, are different and need more discussion.

I have consulted various websites and compiled a list of “one liners” that boys use. You should read and think about each one. Place yourself mentally in the situation and feel you reciting my response and absorbing my advice. I love you, baby.

The first site I found was called Get Girls. It gave situations and lines that boys could use as a prelude to the physical reach (see gun discussion above).

The first bit from Get Girls: Bars and nightclubs - "Do you want to dance?" If she says no, whatever you do, don't just walk away. Follow up with, "If you don't want to dance, do you mind if I join you for some conversation?"

This situation can be disposed of with relative ease. When you decline his invitation to dance, he will either walk away or the putz will use his back-up position as suggested above – the conversation ploy. Your best bet is not to be polite but to humiliate him. When he asks for conversation, laugh in his face and grab the first man or woman you see and begin dancing. Don’t worry about the brief dance. You can projectile vomit on him (or shake her hand and thank her) and be done in an instant.

Get Girls 2: Nightclubs with "live" music - "What do you think of the band?"

“I think,” you share, “that the lead’s G is about a half octave off, the bassist needs to set timing and not follow it, and the only reason they sound like they are on the same stage is because the drummer knows 4/4 and, apparently, only 4/4. You?” They usually shut-up when a chick knows more than they do.

Get Girl 3: Restaurants - "This is my first time here. What's good on the menu?" Another one you could use is, "Would you like to go have a drink after dinner?"

Let’s take these one at a time. “What’s good on the menu?” “I couldn’t tell you, pal. I had my stomach stapled precisely to avoid losers like you asking me questions like that.” A drink after dinner? “I am eating, a-hole. Leave me alone or I call the cops.”

Get Girl 4: Supermarkets - "Excuse me, which steak looks better to you?" or "How do you tell which one of these cantaloupes is ripe?"

“A steak? You eat that crap? Had a high colonic lately? You’d be shocked at what is breeding up there.” The cantaloupe line is easy – “are you a retard or something?” When he sees your hand raising the mace towards his face, he'll be out of produce in an instant.

Get Girl 5: Laundromats - "Would you like to go have a cup of coffee while we're waiting for our clothes?" or "Could you tell me if I should wash these clothes in hot or cold water?"

This is the easiest, dear. What are you doing in a laundromat?!? You know what I told you about Laundromats. Never go alone, never talk to anyone. If the dude can’t afford a washer and dryer, you don’t want anything to do with him. If you must speak, tell him “there ain’t no such thing as ‘our’ clothes here,” and “here’s a quarter, loser, go call mommy.”

Our next source is called Don Diebel: 15 Surefire Opening Lines When Meeting Single Women. The first problem is that the “opening lines” are numbered. One through 16. Ut-oh. Let’s see what Don has to share.

1. If you're with two women, ask them how did they get to know each other? First, Don, just because your statement begins with the word “if” doesn’t make it a question. Grammar, buddy, c’mon. We need it. Anyway … back to you, princess. How do you respond? “We met at a Dykes on Bykes convention. Julie just got out of prison for manslaughter. Caught her last girlfriend in bed with a man, if you can believe that. How gross, eh?”

2. "Where do you like to shop for clothes?" “Other people’s homes. I watch a neighborhood for a few months, check out the women and effeminate men. After I catch their routines, I break in and take what I like. You look kinda gay – men’s size 38 blazer?”

3. "Where do you like to go on vacation?" “Prison. Every winter. I save on my heating bill, catch up with friends and sex. You?”

4. "What's your favorite romantic restaurant...Where is it located?" (Later you can ask her to meet you there for a lunch or dinner for your first date). “There is nothing romantic about the systematic slaughter of animals only to plate them with a thin gravy and spring of parsley. I eat only to stave off death.”

5. "What kind of man are you attracted to?" (Her answer can give you a clue on how to act around her to get her interested in you). Pathetic question, eh, baby? Just look at him and describe the opposite, like, “someone who doesn’t have to ask what I am attracted to.”

6. "Where did you attend school?" “Leave me alone! Who sent you? Why are you asking about my past? It was him wasn’t it? What is he paying you? I oughta plug your sorry ass right here!” One timely flash of your gun, and you are assured of being left alone.

7. "Have you been to any good concerts lately?' (Also, find out who her favorite groups are so you can ask her out when they come to your area). “Define good,” and then toy with his fragile intellect until he either starts to cry or wets himself. When one occurs, stand up, point and laugh, call over other people, and then walk away.

8. "Have you been to any good movies lately?" See 7 above.

9. "I love your hair, where do you have it done?" “House fire. 5th and Maple. I think it’s out now. But if you get a scanner …”

10. "I love your lips, they look so soft and kissable." “Kiss this,” and shove the barrel of Mr. .45 into his mouth.

11. Skipped – stupid.

12. Skipped – stupid.

13. Skipped – stupid.

14. "Would you care to celebrate a special occasion?" She will ask, "What's the occasion?" You reply, "Meeting a special lady like you." How to respond? Simple, love. Lean forward, warm your eyes a little, flash that smile that makes daddy give you anything you want, and vomit in his lap.

15. "You have one of the nicest smiles I've ever seen." See 14 above.

16. "You make my heart melt like hot fudge on a sundae." Simple physics. “Pal, hot fudge is hot. It is like your heart. Thumpedty-thumpedty-thump. Got it? Pre-existing hot. You then bring the hot fudge to the ice cream – just like you bring your heart to me. The hot fudge then loses much of its heat as it comes into contact with the frozen cream – just like, you are saying, your heart cools down as it comes to me. I think, buddy, you got your similes a bit mixed up. Go home. Study. Try again with some other lucky girl. Go now. Before I call the cops. Bye.”

Third in our parade of one-liners is Best Opening Line For "Out of Your League" Women. Really. That’s what it is called. Talk about a guy accepting his loser status. How sad.

This is what they say – I am not kidding: Question 1: "What's the best opening line?" A. According to a University of Chicago study, the word "hi" is the best opening line there is, followed by "how do you like the band?" (but only if a band is, in fact, playing).

Wow. Strategic planning. Mention the band only if one is playing. That’s a good start. But, you know, I think a guy who asks you how you like the band that is playing inside his head can be infinitely more interesting.

This next bit of advice is long. Let me give it with as few edits as possible:

Question 2: "But the woman I want to say hi to isn't anywhere near me -- I'd have to go up to her. What should I do?"

A. Try the "goodbye introduction." Imagine you are at the gym, and you see a woman who is really attractive to you. But she's busy lifting weights, and it seems like your gym is not such a friendly place, anyway.

The opportunity is this: time your leaving the gym for when she is between sets, or stretching. Then on your way out, introduce yourself like this (smile while you do it!): "Hi, I'm just leaving, but before I do, I really wanted to introduce myself to the woman who has such wonderful form. My name is Ron."

She says something back, like "Oh hi, my name is Tracy," then you say something like "I hope to see you here again." Then you leave. This creates an opening for you to talk to her next time you see her -- "Hi Tracy, how are you?" It also gives you a way of interacting with her for the first time without there being much risk -- since you tell her up front you are leaving, she's less likely to be afraid of you wasting lots of her time.

It also builds your esteem, and teaches your nervous system that you can actually survive talking to beautiful women, which makes it more likely you'll do it again, and again, and again....

Do you see how insidious this is? Verbal, verbal, then physical! Wow. Men will stop at nothing, dear. They are all pigs. Never forget. And stay out of gyms. They are meat stores where everything is marked down for quick sale.

Now, keep up on your pistol range – once a week. Remember to wear the fake wedding ring in the supermarket. Go out with your clearly bull-dyke friends occasionally. And don’t ever let a man touch you.

I love you, baby.