Thursday, July 20, 2006

Stupid Clowns through History with a side of Applesauce

People like this clown give robbers a bad name. Just down the road from where I work, Thomas Reyes, 6’1”, 23 years old, gun in hand, enters a small neighborhood grocery store. In a well-planned move, he leaps onto a small freezer, points his gun at the proprietor, and makes his robbery intentions known.

Not so well planned, it seems. Behind our assailant stood Thomas Santana, 5’4”, 66 years old. Mr. Santana, assisted by proprietor Mr. Gomez, pulled the idiot robber off the freezer. Mr. Santana then proceeded to beat the lad about the head with a can of Mott’s applesauce. So confused was the young criminal that between applesauce smacks he shot himself in the head.


Attempted murder. Attempted robbery. Too bad being abysmally stupid isn’t a legal defense. What a clown …

I do not endorse products for profit. It’s not that I won’t, I just have never been asked to. Neither do I thoroughly research the products or services that I write about. That would be too much work. Doesn’t seem like fun. And speaking of fun – do you have to have fun, boys and girls?!? Then how about a distance-learning clown school! [Applause][Laugh track]

For a low tuition of $175, you can learn about the history of clowns, the clown look, clown skills, comedy material, the business side, and job opportunities! [Horn sound][Horn sound][Bike bell]

And if you laugh too much, for an additional $20, you can have humor therapy! [Some kind of whirling sound]

A distance-learning clown school. Seems like something for people that don’t play well with others. Should we be encouraging these people to be clowns? [Sigh!]

Regardless, if you want to clown around, here’s a page of links to get you started. [Sound of tricycle riding away]

These are some rather remarkable prints. The attempt is to summarize one major issue onto a single graph – the race to the moon, baseball parks, the Confederate Army, and six more. You can select each one and zoom in off the link. I like the two on American political parties. One view of our country’s history presented for the video-game generation. They could draw heavily on the democrat party history if they wanted to do a new chart of the History of Clowns. [Horn sound][Horn sound][Bike bell]

A student asked me about the history of Thanksgiving and I found this site. It is quite interesting on a few levels.

First, it provides seemingly all of the American history to Thanksgiving. It doesn’t suggest any reason why the concept of a day of thanksgiving was thought appropriate in the later 1600’s. Was it a tradition brought from Europe that after a long period of hard work or discord that was now a period of relative calm and repose that such a day should be proclaimed?

But what I found most interesting was this: they pose an inquiry at the start (Why is Thanksgiving Day officially observed on the fourth Thursday of November?) and besides – because Congress said so – they never answer it.

Oh well. Lots of interesting stuff anyway. Why post this now? Time flies. Thanksgiving is right around the corner. And you’ll be busy in clown school! So read up! [Some kind of whirling sound]

This is the most amazing source for tickets I have ever seen. Every event and every possible seat. Every one out of my price range, but that’s beside the point. It is nice to dream of taking my kids to see Eric Clapton and sitting right in the front. They’ll have their days in the sun, and it’ll be so cool to hear about them. I can’t wait.

Pop quiz! No cheating! Are you stupid? It tells me that I am 4% stupid. Here are my reported scores: “94% scored higher (more stupid), 2% scored the same, and 4% scored lower (less stupid). What does this mean? You are 4% stupid.” It is nice to know that I am not a complete idiot. Did you know that whole milk has 3.7% fat? Close enough to 4%. I guess I am whole-milk stupid. Gotta be better than being regular-beer stupid (5%) or table-wine stupid (14%). God forbid, Kahlua stupid (26.5%)!

If you wander the test site above, they have some jokes. Generally OK. Easy to avoid the filthy ones if you want to. Here’s a kinda sorta funny one: This guy walks into a bar on the top of a very tall building. He sits down, orders a huge beer, chugs it, walks over to the window, and jumps out. Five minutes later, the guy walks into the bar again, orders another huge beer, chugs it, walks over to the window, and jumps out again. Five minutes later, he re-appears and repeats the whole thing. About half an hour later, another guy at the bar stops the first guy and says, "hey, how the heck are you doing that?!" The first guy responds, "oh, it's really simple physics. When you chug the beer, it makes you all warm inside and since warm air rises, if you just hold your breath you become lighter than air and float down to the sidewalk." "WOW!" exclaims the second man, "I gotta try that!" So he orders a huge beer, chugs it, goes over to the window, jumps out, and splats on the sidewalk below. The bartender looks over to the first man and says, "Superman, you're an asshole when you're drunk."

Night …

1 comment:

  1. Hey guys for Thanksgiving you can check out this Thanksgiving Blog for cool info and facts. It's really great and very informative.