Short people with bad breath shouldn't climb trees

It makes my head spin to read the headlines on Drudge and Lucianne. I love both sites, but like anything they have their limitations.

Drudge is good for knowing if the world still exists and, if not, what happened to it in eight words or less. Beyond that, I sometimes feel dirty reading too much. I do not care about Madonna’s tour or who she is blowing recently. I think the latest Hollywood gossip is completely irrelevant to life. I also do not like that his links have no target window so when you click a link you lose the Drudge homepage. Enough bad. I like his list of newspapers, columnists, and other news sites. I look them over frequently enough that I spot new links. This is the latest new one to catch my eye.

Lucianne is a running list of article posted by members. It’s a good way to catch up on politics (mostly). The entire political spectrum is represented even though the site is conservative. The drill is that when an article is posted, you can link directly to the full text or read the commentary by members. They also top the list with must reads, updated usually only once a day in the morning. Sometimes a new lead will hit or breaking news is tossed in.

On Lucianne now:

“Madonna says her crucifixion something Jesus would do.”

Hunh? Well, he was crucified. We learned that from Mel Gibson’s movie, right? But is this chick suggesting that he would dance and sing on stage, and then re-enact it? If I recall, the guy still had holes in His hands from the first time. I highly doubt he would be game to do it again – I don’t care how much ticket revenue there was.

“The United Nations insisted yesterday that it should control the massive flows of economic aid to Africa in order to avoid a chaotic free-for-all in the world’s poorest continent.”

These people are too funny. They get caught taking oil bribes, they get caught banging local girls in Africa, they get caught totally mismanaging everything they have touched, they appoint cruel dictators as Chairs for Human Rights, their sons are taking bribes – nothing they have ever done has worked. Nothing. And now they want to manage “massive flows of economic aid.” Fool me once, shame on you; fool me thirteen hundred eighty-four times and you may as well just shoot me, I must be beyond help. They want to manage the money. But be pretty young women there, eh?

“Panicky President Jacques Chirac has called crisis talks over al-Qaeda’s threat to hit French targets. This is the same Jacques Chirac who personally vetoed a UN resolution on Iraq in 2002, wrecking hopes of a global alliance against Saddam Hussein.”

Chirac is like a tree frog. I don’t mean that in the frog/French sense. I mean that frogs are supposed to be on the ground, hopping around, eating bugs. You expect to see them next to ponds, maybe hear them as night serenading their tone-deaf beaus. But tree frogs always warrant a second look. “Hey, what you doing in that tree?” you ask, “ain’t you all supposed to be down here?” It’s a frog, alright. Got no issues there. Probably eating bugs. Needs to be careful hopping.

But something is just fundamentally wrong with a frog in a tree. You can’t point to anything in particular. But you think it might hop on your head, don’t you? Nobody thinks a frog at the pond is going to hop on their head. Does a frog, you know, do an excrement thingey? Don’t really care if the frog is sitting on a lily pad. If it’s on a branch over your hear, the excrement possibility comes into play. That is what Chirac is. No, not frog excrement, but that is not a totally incorrect thought.

Chirac brings to mind unnatural things. Like selling military equipment to Iraq in direct violation of the UN ban, and then trying to stop us from going in and finding out. He argues out of all three sides of his mouth (don’t frogs have a kind of triangle thing happening?). The boy is just useless.

Clarence Hill ain’t no more. My students did a long study of his case. They did so well with it. Clarence is/was a cop killer. His appeal went to SCOTUS and they agreed it should be heard in the lower courts. Guess the process went quickly. Oh well. He claimed that it was cruel and unusual to use the drug combo in lethal injection. “It hurts!” was his basic premise. F--- you, Clarence. I hope Hell isn’t too painful for you, buddy.

“Smoking, already linked to several illnesses, may also increase the risk of infection with HIV, the virus that causes AIDS, researchers said on Thursday.”

Wow. Bad enough that they make smokers take their habit into unincorporated areas of Kansas to partake in peace. Now they are claiming this? Stop to think about it. It increases the risk – not is linked to it. Why would it increase the risk? Lifestyle of a smoker, perhaps, being similar to the lifestyle of a drug user or risky sexual habits? I have no problem in believing that risky life styles – sex or drugs – overlaps with unhealthy lifestyle choices such as smoking. I think also that these people are less likely to have good nutrition, including an over-indulgence of snacks including, in particular Cheetos.

So, “Cheetos, already linked to several illnesses (including halitosis), may also increase the risk of infection with HIV …”

“Two of President Bush's staunchest domestic critics leapt to his defense Thursday, a day after one of his fiercest foreign foes called him "the devil" in a scorching speech before the United Nations.

"You don't come into my country; you don't come into my congressional district and you don't condemn my president," Rep. Charles Rangel, D-New York, scolded Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez.

“House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi, D-California, was blunt in her criticism of the Venezuelan leader. "He is an everyday thug," she said.”

Do you believe these idiots? Whose talking points did they adopt? Rangel says don’t criticize “my” president? What, Charlie, is that stepping into your turf? I don’t have the heart to Nexis your public statements. And Pelosi? That girl needs a fortnight of escaped-convict-horny-housewife. Maybe that’ll loosen her face just a tad. Can anyone really be pinching one off with paper-cutter accuracy all of the time?

“Something is bugging comedian Margaret Cho. And she's heading north of the border to get it off her chest. "I'm very frustrated with the system that's happening in America right now," said Cho.”

Um, this girl is about three-foot-two and has the mouth of a sailor. If she gains about 30 more pounds and wears funny glasses she’ll be mistaken for that scary woman that talked to demons on Poltergeist.

So Maggie is going to Canada to talk about us? No balls, young girl? Well, ok, good point. Never had any. But that’s secondary. Keep it here! We love to hear you whine!

Hint, Mags – don’t talk about a “system” that is “happening” here. You’re kinda sorta mixing a static thing with an action. It’s confusing to anyone with an IQ over room temperature. But, yeah, you’re right again – that isn’t your target audience. OK. Next.

Naw, tired. Later.