Saturday, March 24, 2007

Farts in a bottle

Your party going slowly, but you know someone prone to seizures? This site will be sure to start everyone break-dancing … fun can only follow!

I was never too good at science, but I do waft some rather prodigious farts. Given a modification of this device, I could probably keep a fan running all night to cool me on sultry evenings. I would have to figure out a real-time feed from my Southern exposure to the jar so that I could continue to sleep. The feed would have to be flexible and non-invasive. Very non-invasive. I could tape a Ziploc to my ass and attach a rubber hose. But the circumference of the hose would slow the movement of the expelled gas. Ah, but perhaps when I rolled over, the bag would squeeze and propel the gas through … no, wait, I am starting to feel the tape pulling on the hairs of my ass. I am thinking about this way too much. I’ll just buy a fan and plug it in. Into the wall.

Seems my daughter isn’t the only one getting nailed for being non-conformist. This girl wears Tigger socks and get slapped with detention. They call their detention program called “Students With Attitude Problems.” (Note: in titles, only the first, last, and important words are capitalized. “With” is none of these. No wonder schools graduate functional illiterates; they have learned exactly what their teachers taught them.)

The ACLU is on the case. Gotta love libs sometimes.

Speaking of free speech and schools, Morse v. Frederick was argued in front of SCOTUS the other day. An Alaskan youth (Frederick) made a sign that read, “Bong Hits 4 Jesus.” He stood among a crowd, on a public sidewalk, in front of private homes, waiting for the Olympic Torch Relay parade, and displayed the banner just for the purpose of getting on TV. The school tossed him. SCOTUS will issue its ruling in several weeks. Here is a law article describing the case. Here are the prior decisions and briefs filed with SCOTUS.

It is truly remarkable how society reacts when someone steps out of their ill-defined lines.

I love things like this: “Thinking like a Genius”. As if you could look at a list, practice it, and figure out how to correct Newton’s equations for the unaccounted-for wobble in Venus. “Visualize! Produce! Make novel combinations!” Oh. Picture what my face will look like when I stick the fork in the wall socket? Make something, anything? How about a jello-filled parka? That would satisfy both of the last two items, eh? Think of the thermal protection afforded by the density of jello, and the survivalist advantage to the sugar-intense substance if you get lost in the woods.

You want to get smart? Turn off the television. Read something other that Sports Illustrated, Penthouse Forum, and cheap novels. Think of your brain as a muscle, and exercise it. I knew a guy once that bought tapes to “enrich” his “vocabulary.” It promised to “propel” his “career to new levels.” Do you know what you sound like when you say, “it is challenging to understand her because she cannot propound a clear question”? Or, “I find his pedantic manner difficult at times, didactic even.” We stand at look at you – knowing full well the meaning of the words you used – and collectively think, “Who farted?”

Want some rules? Be comfortable in your intellect. Exercise your brain through reading history, law, and physics. Stop drinking. Quit defining a “productive” day by the sole criteria that you got laid.

Ok, enough for now. Oh, last thought. Remember the pastor of the school my daughter is no longer with? He actually called her new school to speak with the head guy there. I e’d the pastor to help me understand his actions. I am looking forward to his response. I think a formal complaint letter to the Pennsylvania Department of Education and a cease-and-desist letter from a local attorney citing malicious interference with education choice may be in the future. What fun!

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