Monday, August 13, 2007

train wrecks to observe

Been an interesting couple of days. Have watched old, familiar train wrecks in continued slow motion. Have watched continued bonding among others occur behind closed doors and at long distances. Have gravitated back to The Beatles in my music, just now mixed with the blues, melancholy, and Johnny Cash.

Speaking of music, my current mix: BB King, The Thrill is Gone; Johnny Cash, If You Could Read My Mind; U2, One; Neil Young, Philadelphia; The Band, I Shall Be Released; The Beatles, Yer Blues (2d take from the Rolling Stones Circus, with Eric Clapton, Keith Richards, John Lennon, and Mitch Mitchel (Jimi Hendrix Experience), Ballad of John and Yoko, You Never Give Me Your Money, and Two of Us; George Harrison, All Things Must Pass (Demo version from the White Album sessions, so actually it is The Beatles); John Lennon, Old Dirt Road, Real Love (Demo take 7), and Free as a Bird (John on piano, late demo); Ringo Starr, La De Da; and Creedence Clearwater Revival, Who’ll Stop the Rain, Have you Ever Seen the Rain?, Lodi, and Someday Never Comes. 72 minutes, fits on a CD. Send me an e me if you want one.

Ringo is there so I don’t blow my brains out. Ripped the stream from Beatles Radio, so there is radio talk after the song. Just haven’t gotten around to clipping it yet.

I have been having fun watching trips up and down the stairs tonight. Wasn’t counting, just watching. I am such an asshole – nothing slips by me. That’s why I need to live alone. No one to observe. Safer that way.

I sat outside tonight and saw a shooting star. Same thought as always came to mind, always for another. Last night was my favorite night of the year – the Perseid meteor shower. Just didn’t have the heart to watch it this year. Shame, too. I was looking forward to it. No moon, clear night. But I was blessed with a leftover tonight, so that was very cool.

Gotta snap outta the funk. Just fucking grabbing me by the intestines and refuses to loosen. Anger came and went. Tears tried to rise, won for a while, and then gallantly lost to fight another day. Anger again? No, now it is fantasy. I can feel the detachment welling, however. That has always been my best friend. Complete detachment resulting in viewing the world in bright-eyed wonder. I love detachment. I can float above everything for weeks or months, even years at a time. Nothing registers. Every body blow is painful but evokes no response or even emotion. I’m inviting it. Oh, how I have missed it! It has been years since my friend came to stay. Please come now, I have longed for your arrival. Tell me you love me still.

There is real skill in keeping this friend from the view of others. I got through my late childhood and teenage years, the mid-1980s, and about 1996 until 2004 with it holding me in its loving caress and barely a notice by anyone. Then I let it go almost three years ago. Let my guard down. Exposed myself.

But as I write I am beginning to smile, because I feel the rust leaving my bones. I feel my old friend settling in, telling me that I am still loved by it, it will keep me safe. Wow. What a great feeling it is. Just amazing. I had forgotten, really, forgotten what it actually felt like. Funny how memories can seem so real but are just two dimensions.

No more exposure. I have my circle drawn. Within it are fellow protectors.

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