escape

flight instincts are wonderful. i always think of white-tailed deer that i see so frequently in my area. they're good eating, if you go for such things - i'm a veg for the last 20 years, so i don't anymore. but even before we hunted bambi and served her up with a dark sauce riddled with garlic and fragrant herbs, there were plenty of predators in the wild. (side note - the good news is that aliens stopped anal probes; the bad news, they discovered we're made out of meat.)

how did deer adapt to a dangerous environment? long legs for running swiftly; nocturnal so they roam in darkness and hide during daylight.

i have my own flight instincts, my own predators. i find that when the pressure is great i sleep hard. i create diversions when i am awake. i do anything to avoid dealing with the situation at hand. i protect those around me by letting them live their lives in blissful ignorance. then slowly God presents the problems to me one by one, usually with workable solutions. somehow He manages to show me the ram in the bush.

the frustrating part is that He shows me - as has been said - just enough light for the next step. i can see the multitude of problems out there, can understand that just this one is being resolved. i continue to feel the weight of all the problems.

sometimes i find solace in remembering the weight of previous times. i recall that no matter how heavy it felt, somehow it all got resolved. somehow, God presented the ram in the bush, however piecemeal, until all the problems went away. new problems, new weights always came, but the old ones somehow got solved.

i need to remember that more often.

even when i do remember it, i can easily defeat its comforting message. God is in charge. if He wants a major change in life, then it happens. when i look at solving problems, it presupposes achieving the status quo ante. i know enough to understand that sometimes that historical position no longer exists. so i brace myself for the unknown around the bend.

sometimes, from a well-considered, dispassionate view, life just sucks. sometimes, and this is one of those times, i wish i could get nietzsche out of my head.