Tuesday, November 6, 2007

greed can form loving relationships

There’s something about good ole fashioned greed that brings a smile to my lips, a sparkle to my eye, and that warm hug inside.

Our story begins in the hometown of ALF, that loveable alienable life force from 20 years ago (that’s 8 to 16 lifetimes in sitcom years depending on the week night upon which the show airs), nestled above Los Angeles and along the sea, Oxnard, California.

In this sleepy salt-laden town operates Haas Automation and, operating no more (albeit I get ahead of myself), its owner, 54-year old Gene Haas.

Haas Automotive is a half-billion dollar operation and employs about 1,000 people, as the “nation's largest computerized machine tool maker.”

How much profit can $500 million generate every year? Well, Gene-boy, or as his cellie may soon be calling him, My Wife, is also the owner of a NASCAR team, fielding a car in each of the Nextel and Busch series, operating as “Haas CNC Racing.” So apparently enough to play in an expensive sport. Is that enough for Genette to be happy?

Alas, no.

“Let’s squeeze another $20 million out of this puppy. Ideas?” And so began a course of events that resulted in several indictments, including the king of all horrors to defense counsel: an unindicted co-conspirator (read, rat).

Here’s a great quote: “The owner of Supermill Inc., a nonexistent Nevada company that allegedly issued fake bills to Haas Automation.” Let’s parse that: Owner of a nonexistent company. He owns something that does not exist. Did they really write that? It’s in the linked article above. I own a unicorn – did I ever tell you that? I own this really super-cool plane-car-boat-barberchair-bar-be-que thingey. Takes you anywhere, gives you a shave and a haircut, and feeds you the best grilled tuna. I didn’t get the optional geisha-girl attachment.

The “nonexistent company” issues “fake bills.” No shit. It doesn’t exist – do you expect it to issue real bills?

Where was I? Oh yeah, so this nonexistent company has a name, Supermill (my unicorn’s name is Fred). Seems the non-entity issued non-real invoices for non-real expenses. (I am sensing a pattern here, although clustering can also be attributed to random chance) There was a total $20 million in fake invoices. All the invoices were issued to Hass Automation, who promptly paid them with non-real money but took very real tax deductions. Ut oh! Add a rat to the recipe and you are, well, fucked. And so will be Genette soon enough. Repeatedly, all the while yelling, “Yes, I’m your bitch! Yes, I’m your bitch!”

Initially, Mrs. Gene pled not guilty (everyone does – you can’t plead otherwise at an arraignment. They have separate proceedings for guilty pleas.), and pointed the finger at his financial guy, claiming with all the gusto of a wronged-man, that the “tax issues ‘revolve around’ the company's former financial officer, John Phillips.”

“Revolve around”? What the hell is that? A denial? No. My shower water “revolves around” the drain. My tires “revolve around” the axel. Ms. Gene’s life is about to “revolve around” the shithole. Here’s a denial: “That cocksucker Phillips did all of this. I knew nothing. I sure hope he doesn’t make bail and is found guilty, then does a long, long time in prison. Cuz if I get my hands around his neck, he’ll be begging for prison time. That miserable, lying prick. I never liked him. FUCK HIM AND EVERYONE THAT LOOKS, SMELLS, OR TALKS LIKE HIM! I HOPE THEY ALL GET BUTTHOLE CANCER” A denial?

Alas, no.

As June 2006 left with its indictments (and rat) a dusty trail in the horizon, now arrives November 2007. Has Miss Genette established her innocence in the face of these vicious allegations by an overzealous prosecutor and that cocksucker Phillips?

Alas, no.

“LOS ANGELES -- A NASCAR team owner was sentenced Monday to two years in federal prison after he pleaded guilty to defrauding the government of more than $34 million in taxes.

“Gene Haas … was ordered to begin serving his term on Jan. 14, the U.S. Attorney's office said.

“As part of his plea agreement, Haas paid a $5 million fine, plus more than $70 million in back taxes and interests.”

Poor baby?

Alas, no.

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