hillary's great adventure

Oh. My. God. I cannot believe I have just read this story and kept my entrails intact. I haven’t even reached for my gun to blow my brains out and end the carnage. Oh. My. God.

Glenn Thrush of Newsday bylines this today – Hillary says she risked life on White House trips. This story is beyond laughable. This woman needs a full-time nurse just to ensure she takes her meds as prescribed.

Let’s go to the tape …

VINTON, Iowa - Ever since Barack Obama suggested Hillary Clinton's eight years as first lady were a glorified tea party a few days back (with a few felonies tossed in there, but, yes, basically accurate), she's looked for an opening to strike back (like some superhero, eh? Humungo-Thigh Woman! Can suffocate her enemies in a jell-o sandwich the size of a 1964 Mustang front quarter panel! I’m gonna throw up …. brb. ).

On Saturday night in Dubuque she pounced (now, THERE’s a picture! Hillary “pouncing”? Cut me a break. The woman hasn’t pounced on anything but her lesbian lover in NYC for 20 years.), arguing she risked her life (ooohh! Aaahhhh! The drama of it all!) on White House missions in the 1990s, including a hair-raising flight into Bosnia that ended in a "corkscrew" landing (you mean, they land airplanes a special way in warzones? Oh. This woman is a moron.) and a sprint off the tarmac to dodge snipers (so, like, um, you couldn’t hang out on the tarmac in a WARZONE? Oh. You know, Puffy, I really think you could have saved a lot of people a lot grieve if you DID hang out on the tarmac.).

"I don't remember anyone offering me tea," she quipped (A FUNNY!!! Oh, my sides are hurting! Oh, my! The POUNCE! Wow! So unfuckingbelieveably CUTE. You miserable hag. And you want to be president?).

The dictum (legal term meaning – nobody really gives a shit but it was said anyway) around the Oval Office in the '90s, she added, was: "If a place was too dangerous, too poor or too small, send the first lady." (Hillary, get the fuck over yourself. No, I do not believe you. Yes, I actually knew some of your Secret Service people – they thought you were a “cunt.” Their word, Hil-babe. A “cunt.” They added things like, “the worst possibly assignment imaginable. The woman is nothing but a ‘cunt’.” And get this: if they sent you to places "too dangerous" for other people, it's because Bill wanted you DEAD! Get it?!?)

It turns out that Clinton wasn't quite flying solo into harm's way that day. (I am so on the edge of my seat. Pray tell – commandos? SEALS? Super-duper secret guys like John Kerry taking whatever into Cambodia?)

She was, in fact, leading a goodwill entourage that included baggy-pants funnyman Sinbad, singer Sheryl Crow and Clinton's daughter, Chelsea, then 15, according to an account of the March 1995 trip in her autobiography "Living History." (Oh. So outrageously dangerous that you took your KID? Are you a poor parent or just exaggerating the danger of the trip? How about this – the journalist writing this piece is a bigger moron than you, Puff-babe. He MISSED this obvious issue? Yeah, and I am sure that Sinbad and Sheryl are really into risking their lives, too. This is pathetic.)

As the plane approached the runway, the pilot ordered the Clintons into the armored front of the plane, Clinton writes. (Wowee!! So the people with Secret Service protection get into an area where ground fire cannot penetrate. And that is what, exactly? Um, dangerous? Is this writer fresh out of a high-school stint?)

What's not clear is whether Sinbad or Crow were invited to the cockpit or had to brave it out in the unprotected rear. (“Brave it out”? I cannot believe how pathetic this story is. AND IT ENDS HERE! THAT’s his CLOSING! Shoot me, please. What a lap-dog piece of writing.)

Bye.