Wednesday, October 29, 2008

A Democrat explains it all to me: Racist, Redneck, Bitter, Clinging

I don’t understand democrats. They crucify W for telling the world concerning the war on terror that “you are either with us or against us.”

How unseemly,” they intoned. “How utterly simplistic.” “Mr. Bush just does not understand nuance. It is humiliating to listen to him. Buffy, more Austrian wine?

Yet here they are espousing the very same logic. If we don’t vote for Obama, it is because we are “racist.” How many articles do we have to read that tell us, “Only racism can defeat Obama now.”

The interpretation to me is this: “If we win, we are right; if we lose, you are wrong.”

Gee, thanks. So why, precisely, am I wrong? So let’s have an imaginary conversation with a Democrat …

“Well, you just don’t grasp the larger issues. First, you are racist. The mere thought of an African-American president gives you pause. Momentarily, perhaps, but pause just the same. The mere fact that you would hesitate for even a second in voting for Obama proves that his skin color is dispositive to you. That is shameful. I wish I could find the words to explain to you the debt that we owe people of all colors. You need to understand the concept of Affirmative Action. We owe Senator Obama the presidency. It will go such a long way in relieving our national guilt.”

But he has no executive experience! He has done little but merely occupy one office while he planned to or actually did run for the next office! Guilt? Slavery was abhorrent. I’m with you. But I feel no guilt about what people did 130 years ago. They hung horse thieves then, too – am I supposed to be against capital punishment as some sort of make-up for those mistakes?

“Please don’t interrupt. Now, don’t get me wrong, I understand your, shall we say, situs. You were raised by rednecks and are only following that course. It is not much different, perhaps, than being raised by wolves and then being expected to understand table manners. I understand.”

You calling my daddy a redneck? Do you even know what that means?

“Shush! Further, this redneck-bias within which you were raised causes you to be, quite naturally, fearful of change. You don’t grasp Keynesian economics, for example. A concept as simple as removing the option for you to exercise your Marginal Propensity to Consume in favor of the Tax Multiplier is beyond your, shall we say, knowledge set. So in your fear, you grab the relics of old – a Bible and a gun. Oh, how I wish you could see yourself!”

I got a mirror right here.

“Don’t you see your insolence? I’m sorry – your disrespect? Please, I am trying to be helpful. Let me see if I can break it down for you.

“Life is a lottery. People win and lose without logic. We need to redistribute wealth from the winners amongst the losers. It is only fair.”

Sounds Marxist to me.

“You’ve read Marx? I am surprised.”

No, I suggest that you are shocked. You see, surprise is a good thing and shock a bad thing. You wish I had not read Marx. In fact, you wish – you presume – that I am illiterate.

“Illiteracy is natural for you. It results from a lack of desire to learn. I don’t mean that in an aggressive manner whatsoever. You are from whence you came. Have you read Dostoevsky?”

Whittaker Chambers?

“Immanuel Kant?”

John Locke?

“Annie Besant?”

Adam Smith?

“Robert Tressell?”

Speaking of rednecks. You referenced John Maynard Keynes. Have you actually read his theories? I think you missed half of them.

“This is pointless. Let’s get back on track. Society is a collective. The power of many thinking and acting with similar goals is desirable. We aim to achieve that by removing individuality.”

Thank you for your honesty.

“Individuality, you see, is the very foundation of evil in society.”

Sounds like you’ve read Ayn Rand. Isn’t evil a recognition of good? Isn’t good a recognition of God?

“There you go. Don’t you see how you so desperately cling to your, and I hesitate to even glorify them with this word, theories? You have this concept of an intelligent being that can read your minds, can change your lives, can help you to overcome your enemies. It’s embarrassingly naïve.”

Count me in.

“Of course. Please stop interrupting. We need to accept that we are all here for the same purpose, which is to achieve a greater common good. It is simply not possible for that to occur with the existing inequities. It is incumbent upon us to correct historical deficits both as a present offering and as an on-going institution. It is beyond any concept of right and wrong; it is just in the most ancient of traditions.”

A surgeon needs to cut before she can heal?

“I am glad you understand.”

Don’t confuse understanding with accepting.

“You are impossibly obstinate. Let me try another tack on the forward sail, shall we? Let’s discuss your love of weaponry.”


“The homicide rate in America is the highest among civilized countries due, almost exclusively, to handguns.”

So you like England’s model better?

“Much more enlightened, yes.”

Have you checked their rape and burglary rates? 500% to 700% of ours.

“I don’t bother with statistics that deviate from the view I enjoy.”

You ignore facts?

“I focus my research.”

You’re funny.

“I find you humorous, as well, perhaps in a different way. Now, please stop interrupting. I was explaining how a more perfect union can be formed.”

You’re quoting the Constitution?

“No, Senator Obama’s remarks at the Constitutional Center.”

How’s that Kool-Aid taste?

“What Kool-Aid?”


“As I was instructing you, it is our duty to share our personal fortunes with others less fortunate. Surely, you agree.”

I do not agree, and don’t call me Shirley. Here is what I see. I work hard and maybe find some success. Then when I do break through, you take away my success and spread it to people that refused to work as hard as I did.



“Stupid little person!”

Here’s the card for a plumber when the rose petals you put in your toilet clog up your lateral.

“Thank you.”



  1. I welcome these insights into the conversations you have going on in your head. Very entertaining, Clyde.

  2. my head is a very frightening place, but it is not lonely.