Say it isn’t so, Malluch! Oh wait. This is good news.

So I scan some headlines, and find this: NYU poll: US Jews favor Obama 2:1.

Oh, no! I collapse to the floor and curl into a fetal position. The tears streaming down my face puddle through my hair. Being practical, I mop the floor in a two-foot square area. Pleased with my effort, I gather myself to face the news.

The Jews, to whom I am blindly devoted as a Conservative Christian (yeah, one of those), have abandoned me! Et tu, Jew-tay? Oy vey! Can it get any worse? My colon goes spasmodic and my sphincter tightens in response. Last thing I need at a moment like this is an “accident.” I’ve been saving Depends coupons (the ones without an expiration date) since I was 45, but I haven’t actually needed any yet.

So I stare at the headline. Something catches my eye. “2:1.” Two to one. That’s 67% to 33%. That’s only 17 points over split. Is that good? It feels good. Let’s see.

The data for past elections must be somewhere. Ah, here it is!

2004 – Pubs win. Bush 24%, Kerry 76%. That’s 3 to 1! My colon stopped percolating! But I can’t be too careful. I live in a rural area. You know how far away the nearest store is? Oh vey!

2000 – Pubs win. Bush 19%, Gore 79%. That’s 4:1! I'm dancing and clicking my heels, and speaking in Yiddish!

1996 – Dems win. Dole 16%, Clinton 78%. That’s not 2 to 1! Sphincter pulsating, but relaxing.

1992 – Dems win. Bush the Elder 11%, Clinton 80%. That’s not 2 to 1! I sang those words as I wrote them!

1988 – Pubs win. Bush the Elder 35%, Dukakis 64%. That’s about 2 to 1, but the Dems lost!

1984 – Pubs win. Reagan 31%, Mondale 67%. That’s worse than where we are now, and the Dems lost 49 states to 1!

So when did the Dems win the presidency and hold only a two-to-one majority in the Jewish vote? 1916. Woodrow Wilson over Charles Hughes. Jewish vote to Wilson 55% to 45%. Electoral College to Wilson 277 to 254.

Hunh.