dreaming

i can't remember the last dream i had.  i dream, of course, every night.  it's as much a biological function as a psychological event meant to process thoughts and events, perhaps even a gateway for outsiders.  but i haven't awoken in such a long time that i  recall a dream following me upwards.

i have dreampt of fears.  i remember in my 20s being on the trunk of my car.  i held on as it crept along the rural highway.  i yelled as the pack of dogs snapped at my feet and legs.  i yelled to the oblivious driver to speed up, to outpace the dogs.  that dream was about 30 years ago, yet as i type i wasn't recalling the dream, i was describing the picture i see - it's still fresh.  that fear. that frustration.

i dreampt many years ago that anwar sadat was assassinated - i saw the process of his killing.  the dream was so vivid i shared it immediately with several people.  i think i was in high school. i graduated hs in 1977 - you do the math.  news came later that day that he was, in fact, assassinated, and in much the way that my dream saw.  that was very odd.

my most recent dreams, now that i think about it, go back a few years.  i found refuge in a safe place during my daytime.  the only safety i ever dwelt within, actually.  the only time i felt i could count on something or someone other than me.  at night, my dreams would explore that safe place.  those dreams, i recall, came every night.  such wonderful dreams!

since losing that place, i honestly can't grab a single dream.  not one.  i guess that's odd.  i sleep deeply almost every night.  i remember the fears that used to keep me awake.  those are gone now.  perhaps two or three times last year did i have difficulty sleeping.

maybe it is the paradigm shift within me.  i've forgotten fear.  i have neither the time nor the patience for it.  for so many years it was ever-so close.  a turn of a knob away.  then safety came.  true, deep safety.  i dwelt there happily.  then it went away to a distant shore.  fear crept back.  then ... then i got up and dusted myself off.  "i can experience what i chose to experience," i told myself.  "no one or no thing can harm me.  i die when God chooses.  i prosper or whither by His Hand.  most importantly, if i can survive the loss i just did, then nothing will ever compare."

i haven't felt fear since.

and i don't recall dreaming since.