Wednesday, March 15, 2006

MasterBait Company Newsletter

MasterBait Company Newsletter
Vol. 4, No. 1

MasterBait Brand Fishing Lures – Home of the World-Famous PocketRocket, TrouserTrout, and the all new Cyclopes! Fishing ain’t fishing unless you’re MasterBaiting!

Welcome to the latest issue of the MasterBait Newsletter. Ever round the bend of a stream and see a fisherman fumbling in his pocket with a big grin on his face? You know he’s reaching for that TrouserTrout and is getting ready to MasterBait! Walk over and say, Hello! For good measure, whip out your PocketRocket and show your new friend your MasterBaiting technique! You’ll have a new friend for a long, long time.

ANNOUNCEMENT! ANNOUCEMENT! New line – Cyclops. We’re pleased to announce the availability of a new line of MasterBait lures – the Cyclops. Based upon our patent-pending WINK technology, the Cyclops funnels water back through its body and shoots it in front of itself, creating a pulsating rhythm that fish can’t help but gobble up. Be sure to order several! You haven’t MasterBaited until you’ve been WINKed at by the One-Eyed Guy!

Sad News. We are saddened to share the passing of one of our founders, Don Pheeler, inventor of our best-selling line, the PocketRocket. As a recipient of the industry’s distinguished Honored Among Regulars award, he adopted the acronym and was known as HAR Don Pheeler.

HAR Don taught in our schools during every session. “Don’t yank on that thing so hard, you’ll pull it off!” was a common refrain to new students.

At 81 years old, he spoke last year about his eventual death: “When I die, I’ll be happy if only I die MasterBaiting.” He got his wish. He passed with his PocketRocket in hand. In accordance with his final instructions, he was interred in a seated position with both hands firmly grasping his PocketRocket. Wherever he is now, we are comforted to known that he is surrounded by legions of MasterBaiters. Godspeed, friend.

Customer Profile. Richard Johnson has been MasterBaiting for 40 years. He taught his son how to MasterBait, and four of his grandchildren – three boys and one girl. “She was a real challenge,” Dick shared with us as we sat at his MasterBaition Station next to his pond. “Couldn’t seem to focus enough. Very bright girl. Very energenic. But her mind would wander during lessons. The boys took right to it! My, I get up with the sun and they’d be in the backyard – that early! Standing in a circle, Wonder Worms in hand, MasterBaiting like it was their last chance. It was glorious to see.”

Dick showed us his den where he has his equipment laid out. It was easy to tell his love for the sport: his eyes misted over as he showed us his Captain Slappy. “This is how I used to do it,” and he proceeded to share his early MasterBaition technique. We all laughed at his feigned clumsiness.

Back at the Station, Dick began to work with his granddaughter again. “Your hand goes here …” His voice trailed out of range for us to hear, but his dedication to teaching was easy enough to see. She’ll be fine. She’ll be MasterBaiting like a pro in no time.

Dick Johnson. A MasterBaiter for the record books.

MasterBaition Nation in the News.

“I should have stuck to MasterBaiting! Good rule: An intern walks into the office – grab your Schlong and run!” Former President Bill Clinton, commenting upon the Monica Lewinsky Scandal.

“Women Don’t MasterBait!” Sen. Hillary Clinton (D-NY). Over 43% of our customers beg to differ, Senator! Maybe if you MasterBaited regularly, that angry look on your face would soften. Go ahead, give it a try!

“Well, Dick, I’m right-handed. When it gets real bad, I MasterBait with my left hand and I don’t feel so all alone.” Former Sen. Tom Daschle (D-SD) on how he passes his time now that he’s been unemployed for a few years.

Dear Yanker – Our readers share their stories and ask for advice.

Dear Yanker, just wanted to share a great memory. My wife was telling me the coffee was tasting bland and wanted a change. Well, I like my coffee just the way it is! So, the next morning I got up and told her I would make the coffee. I did it the usual way – but then I pulled out my TouserTrout and MasterBaited right in her cup! She loved it! Now, I MasterBait every morning! Thank you for my memories and her tastes! Jesse.

Dear Jesse, way to go! There’s nothing like the taste of TrouserTrout first thing in the morning! Your wife is one lucky girl. A little suggestion, if I may. Don’t limit the TrouserTrout to her coffee! Spread it over everything she eats! She’ll love you for it! Have a great time MasterBaiting! Yanker.

Dear Yanker, I need some advice. I try and try to MasterBait, but can’t seem to do it well. Little help? (Name withheld by request), age 14.

Dear Name Withheld, no need to be embarrassed! We all had to learn through trial and error. I suggest that you start with the PockerRocket – it’s the only model that comes with a head so your grip won’t slip! This is important if you adopt the “new-bee” technique suggested by some of our old timers – put a little soap on that stick! Once you develop your own technique for yanking, the soap will no longer be necessary. Soap up, yank, and enjoy! Yanker.

Employee Profile. Richard Charles Hertz, Jr. “Who’s Dick Hertz?” you ask. We wish everyone could raise their hand! Dick is our quality assurance manager. Next time you touch your Elastic Warrior and it feels so good, or your Mayonnaise Cannon shoots its load with pinpoint accuracy, you have Dick to thank! He MasterBaits eight hours a day, five days a week, just to please you, our devoted MasterBaition Nation. Next time you visit our offices, be sure to rub his bald head for good luck, and don’t be surprised if he stands at attention in appreciation! Way to go, Dick!

Contest. Send us pictures of you MasterBaiting in public! We are looking for unique technique and a curious environment. Everyone who enters will receive a suitable-for-framing “Grant of Membership in the MasterBaition Nation” certificate. Grand prize is a trip to our company headquarters where you can MasterBait along with us at the company pond!

Last Month’s Contest Winners. Remember, we asked you – the members of the MasterBaition Nation – to send in your ideas for taglines to be used in our advertising. The response was overwhelming! Thank you to everyone that submitted an entry.

Although the choice was difficult, our judges went for the simple, direct approach. Our winner was yanker John Thomas of Worcester, Mass. His winning entry is elegant in its simplicity: “I MasterBait.”

A whole bunch of taglines deserve honorable mention: “MasterBait with a friend,” “I’ll stop MasterBaiting when you pry my TrouserTrout from my cold, dead fingers,” “Serial MasterBaiter,” “I’d Rather be MasterBaiting!” “Women MasterBait, Too!” “It’s not a Choice – It’s MasterBaition!” and our in-house favorite, “I MasterBait and I Vote.”

Special Mention goes out to this entry. We’re not quit sure how effective it is in catching fish, but we applaud the effort: “I MasterBait in the Shower!”

Order a Catalogue! It’s Free! Our lures are known around the world! Our best sellers include: the Angry Samoan, Ankle Spanker, Beaver Cleaver, Beef Bayonet, Blue-Veined Custard Chucker, Captain Candy, Captain Slappy, The Cheese Farm, Chromosome Snake, Devirginator, Denture Cleaner, Elastic Warrior, Eleventh Finger, Giggle Stick, Gherkin, Gut Wrench, Hanging Johnny, Hog’s Leg, Kickstand, Kidney Sweeper, Knee Knocker, Little Elvis, Love Club, Main Vein, Mayonnaise Cannon, Meat Thermometer, One-Eyed Cave Explorer, Pork Flute, Pork Sword, Pump-Action Yogurt Rifle, Russle the One-Eyed Muscle, Schlong, Tallywacker, Wonder Weasel, and the Wonder Worm.

Don’t forget a tackle box to hold all your MasterBait lures! Choose from our most popular models including the Bean Bag, Chin Ornament Sack, and the Mud Flap!

Hey Ladies, going on a sausage run? Aren’t you tired of the bar scene? Gather a few friends and stay home with our MasterBaition Party Kit! You won’t be disappointed and the fun will come in wave after wave of excitement all night long.

Job Opportunity. We are looking for a Master MasterBaiter! Do you MasterBait well enough to teach others? Drop us a line and describe your experience and technique. A video might be helpful. Consider including a session of you showing others how to MasterBait.

MasterBait for profit – become a dealer of our products. Need a fundraiser? Sell our LapTaffy! Call the home office for more details and an information package.

Changing America into a MasterBaition Nation one yanker at a time!


  1. do dem tangs come in pink?

  2. Dear Anonymous, thank you for your inquiry! You will be pleased to know that out entire line comes in pink. To be accurate, it is more of a "caucasian flesh" color. In addition, we have handled special orders from around the world to address personal needs. If you have a particular color you desire - for example, to match your or your pet's skin tone - please provide as color-accurate a picture as you can (contact our customer support team for helpful advice on camera settings and environment). We look forward to working with you. Just for writing, we are sending along a complimentary box of our lap taffy! Enjoy the chewy texture and personal flavor! Thank you for MasterBaiting with us! Long John.