when can i masturabte?

There are just some things that you just cannot make up. I cut nothing below – full and complete. You have all the links.

J.W. from Canada writes, “As-Salamu `alaykum. I got married four months back. I am a Muslim and try to follow Islam to the best of my ability. During the time of my wife's period (which is usually seven days) I get sexually aroused a lot (she’s had like THREE periods, pal. Get a fricking grip – oh yeah, that’s what you are going to ask. Sorry, got ahead of myself.). I would like to know if, during this time, it is permissible for me to masturbate (smile)? If not, is there any other option?” (There’s the neighbor’s sheep, a mud hole, a rotting tree by a creek bed, your sister.)

Counselor Ahmad Kutty responds:

Wa `alaykum As-Salamu wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh. (Same to you, pal.)

In the Name of Allah, Most Gracious, Most Merciful.

All praise and thanks are due to Allah, and peace and blessings be upon His Messenger. (Yeah, yeah, yeah, cut to the chase.)

Dear brother in Islam, thank you so much for your concerns about your religion and Allah’s law even in what concerns your sexual life with your wife. (Gotcha. You get paid by the word, buddy? Talk!)

As for your question, it should be clear that masturbation is generally considered forbidden (except for the quite amazing exceptions noted at the end of this post) in Islam since it is deemed to fall under the category of sexual satisfaction outside the framework of marriage (don’t tell me that you’re about to say everything has to be with her, are you? Everything?). However, mutual masturbation between the man and his wife (here we go – so I can’t yank my pud, but she can? Where do I sign up? PBUH) is not haram; rather, it is permissible because it is a part of the enjoyment which Allah has allowed (nice guy, that Allah). Allah Almighty says: “Those who guard their chastity (i.e., private parts from illegal sexual acts). (why is there a period to the left and a capital E to the right? Your God seems to be a grammar retard.) Except from their wives or (the captives and slaves) (gotta love the fact subsumed in evidence, eh? It is perfectly fine to have captives and slaves. You people are bizarre.) that their right hands (I’m left handed; when I use my right hand it feels like someone else is doing it – is that ok?) possess,—for them, they are free from blame.” (Al-Mu’minun: 5-6)

In response to your question, Sheikh Ahmad Kutty, a senior lecturer and Islamic scholar at the Islamic Institute of Toronto, Ontario, Canada, states (oh, the above was like scripture, and now we get the sermon? I’m into it.):

“We are not allowed to engage in sexual intercourse with our wives during their menstrual period (why not? Give me a good reason. Name ONE. That’s why somebody invented soap and water.). However, there is no taboo on gaining sexual satisfaction from them through other ways (tell me more!). The Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) (double that if he is going to elaborate on “other ways”) was once asked, “What is allowed for a husband from his wife during menstruation?” (Somebody asked him this? Where's that humungo thighed Mrs. Clinton & her Fabulous Question Planters when you need them? This dude is walking around like a fricking prophet and people asked him about banging their wives? You people hate Jews, but, c'mon, they had a bit more decorum with Jesus, right?) He replied, “Everything except sexual intercourse.” (I LOVE this guy – “everything”) Just as there is no taboo on intimate touching, fondling, caressing, et cetera, there is no prohibition on spouses masturbating each other, et cetera. (I think “et cetera” is Muslim for “yadda yadda yadda.” That Mohammed said that?!? That is so funny. The dude is walking around like he’s the Christ and talking about jacking off. So hip! Did he wear headphones and sunglasses? So, we already learned that she can take the yoyo for a walk. You mean I can just say, “This side’s bloody, flip it over”? That’s cool with you? So provided a slave isn’t available, I can just crank her up the ass and you have no problem with that? You people spent too much time in the desert with camels. Trust me on this one. I bet the etymology of “animal husbandry” is a bit further east than Greece or Rome.”)

Although you are not allowed to masturbate yourself, your wife can masturbate you without incurring any sin (You’re repeating yourself. On purpose? For emphasis? OK, ok. I’ll talk to her and said you said so. "Um, jerk me off, PBUH." That's all, right? I say that and we're cool?). So satisfy yourself through halal (lawful) (I thought "halal" was deep fried and served in a pita. Learn something new everyday.) ways; we have sufficiency in what Allah has made halal for us so that we do not need to turn to that which is considered as haram (unlawful).” (I thought "haram" was a bunch of chicks - or as you call them, "captives." Let’s summarize, she can yank it, I can flip her over, I could do a slave, I could kidnap somebody so I have a “captive.” I didn’t see any prohibition on her blowing me – I mean, “everything” is a pretty broad term. I can toe fuck her? Just can’t bang her. Got it. What an amazing religion to discuss such real issues. And you think we are too loose? Tell me, when I clip my toenails, right to left or left to right?)

Excepted, with slight modifications, from: www.muslims.ca

You can also read:

Islamic Ruling on Masturbation. Can I? Short answer: Yes (hunh? I thought you just said, no.), but only if you aren’t married (ah! So stay single and the sheep are safe.), if you think you really need to bang some married girl (so even if I am married, I can do it if that woman over there is driving me to the point of distraction. What an incredible religion you people have.), or if you are releasing sexual tension rather than achieving sexual desire (now, talk about wordsmithing. Tension not desire. Well, I get really tense sometimes – does that work? Hey, I’m tense, I took my Viagra and she’s late from work - yank yank yank. And that’s OK? Listen to me, boys, create a flow chart of your rules. See the spirals and feedbacks? There’s no flow (menstruation aside). Your rules are creating asshats. Settle down. Relax. Masturbate. Don’t be so uptight.).

My Husband Does Not Satisfy Me in Bed: Can I Masturbate? Short answer: No. So what if we Muslim men have short dicks and no sense of foreplay. Deal with it. (Figures. Always the guys with small dicks writing rules telling women to “deal with it.” How about this, bub – pull your own pud, I can’t find it! The coke bottle and tweezers must be in the slave’s room.)

If you are still in need of more information, don't hesitate to contact us. Do keep in touch. May Allah guide us all to the straight path! (Yeah, ok.)

Allah Almighty knows best. (I am speechless.)

i be a doctor!

One thing I love about the internet is that you can be anybody you want to be. I don’t mean like the 58 year-old perverts that pretend to be teenagers “just looking for someone to talk to, that might like me for who I am” (ironic, eh?) For those guys, I laugh my ass off when they show up in Denny’s parking lot with a case of Viagra and case of condoms, big jar of body lotion, rope, and video equipment, get busted, and say, “I was just showing up to tell her how dangerous it is to meet people on the internet.” “Tell her”? More like, “Show her,” eh Perv? I know a lot of guys in prison – mean guys – piss-your-pants-when-they-walk-in-the-bar-and-glance-your-way guys. All Perv gets there is, “You better lather up bobo good in your mouth, so it rams more easily into your ass.” Ah, poor baby!

So anyway, I got all these sites that somehow or another – for the life of me I don’t know how or why think I am a doctor! I mean, go figure, eh? Me? A doctor? I went to law school. Don’t need no job where I have to put my finger in someone’s ass. I’d rather clean out their wallet without touching their privates, thank you very much.

One site that thinks I am a doc is eMedicine.com. Every once in a while I get these case studies e’d to me. They call them … wait for it … “eMedicine Case Studies.” Now there’s a large dose of marketing angle all bundled up into a catchy name.

So this latest one is called, “A Toddler With Fever and Abdominal Tenderness.” I get pics and facts, and have to guess what the problem is. I get a hint, too! A hint? WTF? Doctors get hints? Can you imagine me in my law office, “Sounds like you have a big issue here. You may have a case. Can you give me a hint as to what kind?” Must be nice to work in a profession with hints …

So we get three pics, X-Rays it seems to me, an untrained-yet-apparently-licensed doctor. Let’s look at the first one.


Ah, we have the word, “Upright” and the letter, “R” on it. Must be clues. Tucked away on the upper-right side (you may need to click the pic to see it larger), it reads, “Abdomen with Upright.” Hmmm … abdomen with upright. “Upright” must be a thing. Like, “Abdomen with Dog.” What’s an “upright”? Maybe it’s a tool of some kind, a doctor tool. This is interesting! What’s this?!? Below the tool name it reads, “8/31/2005.” This X-Ray is old! How can I do my job with old information? No wonder MedMal rates are so high. They use information that is over two years old to diagnose something in my in-box today! I am appalled! I might resign from the Medical Board! Send a nasty letter to the Chief Whatever They Call Him or Her at the hospital. It is to laugh. Fine. You know what? I will persevere in the face of adversity – in the face of incompetency – and solve this case. Let’s look closer at that X-Ray thingey.

Seems kinda hollow up top. That’s weird. Might be a problem. Better write that down. “Patient presents hollow top as she/he holds Upright tool.” Making progress.

The kid seems all kinda milky white in the lower half. Marked difference from the hollow top. “Patient presents half-full lactose container in lower half as he holds Upright tool.” I like being a doctor! I’m like really good at it.

Now, in the milky stuff (I’ll try to keep the technical jargon to a minimum. You’re welcome.) there seems to be holes, and then something pointing at them. See it? Left to right. Holes. What could the holes be? Think outside the box, Dr. Clyde. Think, think, think. Maybe they are not holes at all! Ah ha! Maybe they are not holes at all! Maybe, now follow me here, maybe they are the opposite of holes! Like something Stephen Hawking would say about something in space: Maybe the holes are actually the substance! They are like balls and that pointy thing is a cue stick! I GOT IT! The kid is a problem masturbator and he’s playing pocket pool!

Ta da! Case solved. I am soooo good at this doctor thing.

Wait. Can’t rush into a diagnosis. Let’s count the horizontal thingeys that look like spare ribs. Well, I see … ok … one minute. OK, well, the kid could still be playing 9-ball, but if he’s that into pocket pool his dick is pretty high up there. Whoa, Nellie, this boy must be hung like a horse!

We need more data. Let’s go to the 2d pic.


Looks like the milk spilt. Just can’t get good techs these days. Amazing. There’s that pool stick again. Look at those things standing up at the bottom, running the full length of the X-Ray. “Patient presents sticky things,” no wait, “stick-like th—“ snap Damn! Pencil broke. One sec. OK. “Patient presents a series of apparent hard substrate thingeys that resemble rowing boat oars along the entire length of X-Ray. NOTE TO STAFF: Be sure the spilt milk is cleaned up. It’ll stick to somebody’s ass in a day or two and that is all I need is to stick my finger into a sticky ass.”

What else can we learn? Well, if you turn it 90 degrees CCW, it looks like a clown with a stick in his eye. “Note to self, get milk and bread on the way home.”

OK, that’s all here. Last pic coming up.


What the hell is that? Looks like something you’d see in war room of a 3d world country as it is planning an invasion of the neighboring country’s rice paddies. Must be misfiled. Let’s move onto the facts they give us.

“BACKGROUND” (That’s a good way to start. Maybe this will explain how we got the rice paddy picture in with our medical files.)

A 14-month-old boy is brought to the emergency department (ED) (ED? Erectile Dysfunction? You see, they’re thinking a “pocket pool” diagnosis, too) by his parents for an evaluation of persistent fever, vomiting, and diarrhea that has lasted for 3 days. (The kid’s barely a year old, ralphing for three days, and now you bring him in? Where’s Social Services? Do that hall? 3d door on right? Thank you.) The mother states that the child was examined by his pediatrician 2 days before (likely story. CYA. lying bitch.) this presentation for a “viral illness“; however, the child has appeared increasingly ill since then(I’m sure he has, ma’am. Let’s take a look. Oh, I think those folks with the clip boards and hemorrhoids want to talk with you.). He has become irritable, and he has been minimally active and feeding poorly. He has had a normal stool output and appearance, as well as normal urination frequency. The parents deny (deny, deny, deny, white trash) observing a runny nose or any coughing, wheezing, or stridor in the patient. The child lives at home with his parents, he is not in day care, and he has had no contact with people who are sick. (More like, “No contact with the outside world so we can watch him puke for three days.)

On physical examination, the boy is crying, fussy, and poorly consoled (that’s because he doesn’t have the speech skills to say, “get me the fuck out of that house! They’re crazy). His vital signs include a rectal temperature of 101°F (38.33°C) (you see, docs are all “rectal” this and “rectal” that – no thank you), a respiratory rate of 32 breaths/min, a blood pressure of 98/56 mm Hg, and a heart rate of 168 bpm. His oxygen saturation is 100% while he is breathing room air (as opposed to the closet air he breathes when Jim-Bob and Thelma-Lou go bowling?). The patient’s weight is 22 lb (10 kg). Palpation reveals diffuse abdominal tenderness without rigidity or guarding. The patient has diffusely hypoactive bowel sounds (I’m telling you, that ain’t no bowels – it’s a pool table). His stool is negative for occult blood. The rest of the physical findings are otherwise unremarkable (except for the fact that his 14-month old dick is longer than his left leg).

Conventional abdominal radiography and computed tomography (CT) scanning are performed (see Images (yeah, thanks, did it. including the misfiled one.)). The laboratory investigation reveals the following results: white blood cell (WBC) count, 19.4 × 109/L, with a predominance of neutrophils; hemoglobin, 8.4 g/dL; hematocrit, 26.6%; platelets, 310 × 109/L; sodium, 136 mmol/L; potassium, 3.8 mmol/L; chlorine, 105 mmol/L; CO2, 20 mmol/L; blood urea nitrogen (BUN), 6 mmol/L; creatinine, 17.7 µmol/L (0.2 mg/dL); and glucose, 4.1 mmol/L (73 mg/dL). The urinalysis shows trace ketones, but the results are otherwise normal. (I learned a long time ago that if Word underlines something in red, it means that it isn’t important. About half this paragraph is underlined – so just ignore it.)

What is the diagnosis? (Problem masturbator with abnormally large dick.)

“HINT” (Here we go. The cheating profession.)
The patient’s symptoms developed approximately 2 days after the mother dropped a box of pins on the carpet at home. (Social Services!!!)

A “hint”? You call that a “hint”? Why not give a map to the treasure with a big red X on it, a geo-thing-a-ma-bob that tells you where you want to go, and a fist full of McDonald’s coupons?

“ANSWER” (Well, this oughta be incredibly reduncant. See “hint.”)
Appendiceal perforation by a foreign body (a pin) (oh!): A foreign body was easily apparent on conventional abdominal radiographs in the right lower quadrant (it’s a pocket-pool cue stick, thank you very much). CT scanning (I didn’t see no CT Scan. They hiding information?) of the abdomen and pelvis revealed a radiopaque pin and a multiloculated fluid collection at the level of the L5 vertebra. The prominent bowel loops superior to the pin likely represented focal ileus. (Those last two sentences are all underlined in red by Word – meaningless.)

Ingestion of foreign bodies is relatively common among pediatric patients, who account for approximately 80% of cases. Most objects pass spontaneously; only 1% of all foreign body ingestions require surgical intervention. Among adults, foreign body ingestions most frequently occur in patients with psychiatric disease or in those with a potential secondary gain. (That’s a good story.)

Management of cases of foreign body ingestion depends on the type of object ingested. (Duh!) The objects most commonly ingested are coins, buttons, parts of small toys, pins and thumbtacks, and disk-shaped batteries. For known ingestion of nontoxic, smooth, or small objects, management is conservative because approximately 80-90% of these foreign bodies spontaneously pass though the GI tract without causing harm.

Initial radiographic localization and serial abdominal radiography should be performed every 24-48 hours (and people wonder why insurance rates are so high – Swallowing a pin: $2.00 a dozen. Two X-Rays: $795.00. Taking a picture of my shit as it flows through my system every one to two days: Priceless!) to monitor the progression of the object until it is passed in stool. Foreign bodies may lodge at any site in the GI tract, but most often they lodge at anatomic sphincters (sounds like something that would invade Earth), sites of previous surgery, or areas of narrowing or acute angulation, where they tend to cause obstruction or perforation. The esophagus has several sites of potential obstruction (yadda, yadda, yadda – does this ever end?), and perforation at these sites is a particular concern because the rates of related morbidity and mortality are high. The complications of foreign bodies in the esophagus include mediastinitis, lung abscess, pneumothorax, and pericarditis. (red, red, red) Approximately 90% of foreign bodies that reach the stomach pass through the remaining GI tract. Most smooth objects pass within the normal bowel transit time.

(OMG, Shut up already!) Because of the high risk of intestinal perforation, urgent intervention is indicated for all patients who have ingested a long, thin, sharp, or stiff foreign body that fails to progress through (oh wait, I can shut them up! I forgot.) …

So what did they do for the problem masturbator?

A laparotomy, drainage and excision of an intra-abdominal abscess, as well as an appendectomy and removal of the foreign body, were performed. The appendix was 4.3 cm, and a metallic pin was found piercing the bowel wall. The histology revealed acute serositis with fibrinopurulent exudates in the lumen and on the serosal surface of the appendix.


YOW! They took out the boy’s gizzard! Damn! And they got his Pocket-Pool Cue Stick, too! I always wondered what those things looked like. Neat.

safe and unsafe things to do in your home

I was strolling through the Gallery of Regrettable Food and found a gem: a 1959 recipe booklet from Knudsen Dairy Products.

Yummy! How fun to see what they were eating as I was experiencing my first months post-partum. Let’s turn the pages (I’ll put the pics here – but you can read the source’s commentary, too. He’s pretty funny).

The first item is, um, green, like a stagnant-pond green but without the promise of teeming life beneath. Oh my. It’s called, “Fruit Ring Mold with Dressing.” “Dressing”? Looks like ranch salad dressing. You put dressing on jell-o? OK, so the first one isn’t too appetiz---. Wait! What’s that underneath? Tell me isn’t a … oh, barf, it is! A Cottage Cheese Log. Gag reflex! I need some Tums to settle my stomach. brb.

Alright, look. One page. No problem. Can only go up from here.

AH, what do we have here! Looks like a salad. Um, “Chicken Curry Salad”! OK. I don’t eat meat, but that’s remotely digestible if you like dead farm animals. What’s that on the bottom? The orangy square thing .. well, jell-o mold, yes. Sign of the times. Let’s just accept that. What’s in it? Oh no. You must be kidding! Please, no. Please. “Corned Beef Salad Loaf.”


Production Step One: Take a cut of beef (usually brisket, but sometimes round or silverside) and cure or pickle it in a seasoned brine. The "corn" in "corned beef" refers to the "corn" or grains of coarse salts used to cure it.

Production Step Two: Make gelatin. The production of gelatin starts with the boiling of cattle bones or pig skins; contrary to popular perception, horns and hooves are not used. This material is then soaked with acid or alkali in large vats to extract and hydrolyse the protein collagen. The extract is then dried and ground to form a powder.

Cut the corned beef in tiny pieces, then suspend in a water, sugar, and gelatin mixture.

Garnish. Serve cold..

Bowels loosening. Need Kaopectate. brb. Let’s see … dosing, dosing, dosing. Ah, there it is! “Adults and children 12 years of age and older—The usual dose is 1200 to 1500 milligrams (mg) taken after each loose bowel movement. No more than 9000 mg should be taken in twenty-four hours.” What the hell is 1200 milligrams? Here. Two swigs.

Turn page.

“Creamed lobster.” Remove lobster from shell, diced, mix with cream cheese, return to shell, and broil. That’s a stretch. No intestinal reaction, so let’s move on before something kicks in. Page!

What the hell is that thing with the green olives? Chicken and sour cream. Oh, that explains it. But wait. It seems the way this book is unfolding, that they expected the recipes here to mix with and sit on top of … the … cor-- … gurgle … the corned be-- … gloop! … that mold thing! {unmentionable}.

Excuse me. I need to go wipe myself. Where’s the Kao? Two more --- fuck it --- half a bottle! brb.

Lookey what’s on top! Why, it “Tomato Steaks in Sour Cream”! How about – “Lycopene Suspended in Heart Failure”? My word! Did you know that life expectancy for a white male born in 1930 (my dad) – the target audience for booklets like this – was almost 63 years, and that a white male born now is over 80 years? Don’t let them kid you – it has nothing to do with advances in medical diagnosis and treatment. It is 100% due to recipes like this one going the route of the USSR. In fact, this whole booklet feels like a communist plot. “Ve hav vays uf dealink vef ze Amerikans. Zay shal die by zer uwn hahns. Glutinouz fuls! Zest hav patienz, Comrade. Ze Knudsen Prozet zall suczede!”

Well, the good news is my anger at our Cold War foes has seemed to firm up my stool. That’s a good thing!

OK, I can’t risk anymore “recipes” (boy, is that term used loosely … ut oh! Bad word … brb. Kao! gulp, gulp, gulp!). I need something, um, firming, if you know what I mean.

Let’s see, hey! Here we go! It seems that adding Viagra to cut flowers makes them last twice as long!.


Each pill is 50 mg; all the flowers need is 1 mg. So very cool. There’s a real economic benefit here. Lots of places, like B&Bs, constantly replenish their cut flowers. New ones needed each week. The researchers found that flowers last two weeks instead of one. At $3.00 a pill – and 1/50th of that – that’s 6 cents to double the life of your cut flowers. Money in the bank.

It reminds me, I had a guy google ”what is safe household product to masturbate with”. I came in 20th. The guy was focused enough to go to the 2d page. Man. Here you go, you sick prick! Shave a corner off that little blue pill, mix in water, feed it to your cut flowers, take the rest yourself – and you have yourself a masturbation party! Get up close and rub some pollen on your face, you societal reject.

So, like, if you put all male flowers in the vase, do they become gay? If you have mixed gender, do they keep your guests awake and propagate overnight? If you get a closed bud and jerk it off, does the pollen shoot onto the wall? Ah, the telltale yellow stains on the B&B breakfast room wall. Be warned! If you see them, don’t ask – just check out. Worse yet, if you walk in and the proprietor has a jaundiced look, don’t even check in!

If we take it, and the Spanker doesn’t go half-mast within four hours, we’re supposed to seek medical attention. Do the male flowers, as they crank into their 2d week, get all, “hey WTF?!? We need a doctor here!” The little signs they made up so jovially and placed in front of the gay vase during the first few days that read, “Parking in Rear,” are now a mess of pollen that seems to read, “Help!”

Alright, colon stabilized. Quit while I am ahead.

catholic girls

I added a few blogs to my "things i read" list waaaaay down on the right side. Yes, perhaps you noticed, I stated to use labels - called them, "mine shafts." I don't know if I got carried away or there is a more efficient way to do it. The list seems kinda long for the 100 or so posts that I went back to and added labels. (UPDATE: Found this post that guided me through creating a drop-down box. Very cool.)

Anyway, yesterday I was on Peggy Archer's site (here), and took a few journeys from her blogroll.

One site I had not visted before is cookie bitch. This girl is funny. Her latest post opens with, "Pet Peeve ... The lazy fucks who use the motorized cart at the grocery store. I'm not talking about real disabled people - I'm talking about the derelicts who walk perfectly fine into the store, but then choose the motorized cart because the thought of having to stand in aisle 7 deciding between the ding dongs and the twinkies makes them sooooooo tired. These lazy-asses are not just announcing to the world they are pathetic, sedentary losers, they are also denying the use of the cart to people who really need it."

Very socially aware, direct in her opinions, good use of vocabulary. I particularly love the flow from "lazy fucks" to "sedentary losers." The jolt at the beginning arcs into capitulation and guilt by the end. Almost made me feel Catholic.

Another site I added is wrong k miller. I've read it before, but for some reason was amused a bit more yesterday. Seems the guy's e-address is kmiller@gmail.com. Seems there are a lot of Millers out there with the first initial, "K." He writes, "according to the u.s. census, miller is the country’s seventh-most popular surname. the census doesn’t calculate how many of those millers have a first name starting with 'k,' but i think it’s safe to go with 'a lot.' maybe even, 'a shitload.' i should know: i get their email."

His blog is scans of the e's he receives, thoughtfully redacted for personal information. Here's a great one. Must have been something close to those cell phone commercials where the line goes dead at the wrong time. Poor girl.

Who'da tunk dat the old way of brushing people off - giving them the wrong telephone number - would be replaced by giving someone the wrong e-address. Progress. Well, she seems nice. But think about it for a minute. They break up ugly two years ago. They met last night. Then she is all, "I never stopped loving you." Signs it "xoxo." I love the "Or dinner ... or coffee ..." What, dear, "... or me"? Good lord, girl, put your panties back on. Have some self-respect. I gotta know - was the surgery on his face?

So a guy in Porum, Oklahoma, googles, "why my wife masterbaits." I come up #5. He clicks through. Glad to be of help.

Seems that Porum, OK, has about 750 people (2% of which are registered sex offenders), the most common male occupation is truck driver, and the most common female is occupation is nurse. They are poor in Porum.

Comparing Porum to all of Oklahoma, this about sums it up:

• Median household income below state average.
• Median house value significantly below state average.
• Black race population percentage significantly below state average.
• Hispanic race population percentage significantly below state average.
• Foreign-born population percentage significantly below state average.
• House age above state average.
• Number of college students significantly below state average.
• Percentage of population with a bachelor's degree or higher significantly below state average.

With all of that said, let's see if we can understand why your wife, as you put it, "masterbaits."

Drum roll, please ... The Top Ten reasons your wife, "masterbaits,"

Number 10. Because when you write her love notes, your handwriting and spelling makes her think she married a perpetual 12 year old. (Hint, Porum Dude, it is masturbate. "Why does my wife masturbate?")

Number 9. Your wife masturbates because she's tired of looking at all those D-size batteries just sitting around not being used.

Number 8. Because that man on the "Gunsmoke" reruns is so darn good looking.

Number 7. Your wife masturbates because, well, you see that bull out there in the field? Oh my, he's so BIG. I mean, can you see him? He has to be two feet loooo--- ohhhhh! oohhhhhh!

Number 6. Because having sex in silence is such a turn-on, as opposed to listening to you talk about the brake linings on your truck wearing down again.

The Number 5 reason your wife masturbates is because the dog died and couldn't please her any longer.

Number 4. Having sex with you once a month, about the same frequency you bathe, just doesn't do a country girl right.

Number 3. Your wife masturbates because she took one of your Viagra, got a female hard-on, and LIKED IT. A LOT.

Number 2. Because everytime she closes her eyes, she pictures herself showering with your sister-in-law.

And the Number 1 reason your wife masturbates is because she lives in Porum, Oklahoma, and is married to you!

OK, enough for now.

oh, canada!

I went to bed last with all sorts of layered emotions. Life can be so challenging sometimes. Emotional drain can be as exhausting as any physical challenge. The difference, however, is that physical exhaustion yields sleep; emotional exhaustion doesn’t slow my mind. I lay for hours watching this wrestling match in my head, listening to the competing voices that each hold and spew forth logic. My efforts to stay a spectator never seem enough. I get drawn in and find myself taking emotional punches that cut deeper than any knife. I woke up this morning fully engaged emotionally: body tense, mind cutting.

As much as I am not at ease, sometimes it is useful to compare myself to others. I did not know, but as the throes of my own torment rose higher and higher to the surface within me, a woman (presumably, I sure hope so) sat in front of her computer. Outside, it was close to midnight in Victoria, British Columbia. She was mostly likely without human companionship. She has a pet, perhaps more than one.

As her own twisted self emerged, she went to google and typed in words no pet lover would consider. My site came back number one on her search. Her conscious did not slow her down. She clicked through to find the answer she needed: Advice for masterbaiting with snake.

My life sucks at times. Other people’s lives are suckier. It’s a small consolation, but one I will take.

opening, then how they find me

Would you eat me? Check out "How it Works" on left side.

I must be delirious. I am listening to an album that I find incredible personal and sad (Johnny Cash, American V), and then I go to this site and laugh my ass off. Keep clicking the can, then wait.

I decided to check out my google ranking. Interesting plcements.

I get a lot of hits based upon some clown that has scammed the Caller ID system and shows a number of 864-223-1911 (put the number in the search box up top at search the blog – the first story has links to everything). On this search, I have the coveted Number One spot on google.

Then the dark underside emerges. I own the second placement in Google for How can women masterbait? I know, typo, old joke. Search it above.

Another google Number Uno: how to properly masterbait

Think first or second is good? Got that beat! Across the entire Internet, this search yields ONLY my blog; we be the alpha and omega: girl masterbaits with broom.

Change genders and I drop to fifth: way for a guy to masterbait

Remove gender reference and lower the age, and I float back to the top: kids masterbaiting

Reintroduce gender and add some scenery – still at the top: how many women masterbait in the shower

Keep gender, add DNA and ESL, drop to second place: my sister me caught masterbaiting

OK, enough of the yankers. Remember my daughter got tossed out of her school? I wrote a piece about it. Just happened again. Such a sweet kid. The problem is me, it is just that the administrators completely lack the testicular fortitude to say they only want people they can control. How interesting Heaven is gong to be! Anyway, I get the Alpha and Omega Award again. This time: "malicious interference with education".

Top spot again for keep getting a busy signal when i call a celluar one. Oh yeah, pal, we can fix that. You buy the extended warranty? No? Bummer. It’s gonna cost you …

Sorry, can’t help myself. Number One: masterbaiting contest winner. Who googles this stuff?

Last for now, fourth place for gravestone engravings + fishing rod and reel. Um, dunno.

muzzled

Yeah, o'er it froze. No comment. Next.

I'm thinking visuals are a good way to post given my present state of mind. You see, when I write I know that I cannot disrespect the words so much as to force them into nice, safe, tidy little containers. I let them breathe, I watch as they fly - then I describe what I see.

Thoughts come to me, like - who is googling me locally that uses Verizon as their ISP, then out-clicking to my daughter's site? Have I become a site of prurient interest for them? I notice that they bookmarked my blog. And it is several folks, not just one, like a party line of gossips. They read and im each other, methinks.

"Can you believe he wrote that? Did you read the bit about the grandfather teaching his granddaughter to masturbate"?

"Yes, I did! I was appalled! And the one about the crack dealer! Like it was a good thing!"

"And that Christmas Story with the inflatable Santa developing a crack habit, poor thing."

"But you know, I almost bought one of those Lil Reminders. You remember the commercial where the woman gets lost in the parking lot? Happens all the time to me! Well, his post on it was very informative."

"I know! And his three posts on that scam caller id 864-223-1911 have been referred to the FCC to put a stop to that menace! He's really been helpful!"

"Yeah."

"Yeah."

"gtt"

"k cya"

"hey!"

"?"

"^urs"

"lmao"

"lbug"

"oh yeah? FO"

"FU2"

"gud"

"gyhooya"

"wtf?"

"rufkm? rtfm!"

"smb"

"yeah, sh"

"rumcymhmd"

"qyb"

"otp"

"ooi"

"h&k"

"lol"

"b"

"b"

See the trouble I get in? (In case you need a cheat sheet!) Onward to visuals ...

Speaking of Darwinism in action, here is what happens when you don't eat"



Sometimes folks just don't think when they work - or is this what they mean by "pride in the union label"?



I've had this newspaper clipping for a while. Do you think the California Wine Grapes guy has a basis for demanding a refund?



I've been jonesing for a beer lately like you wouldn't believe. Don't remember the last one I had. I can relate to this guy:



Why do men need beer?


Did you know the annual budget of the National Weather Service is almost $900 million? Here is everything they need:



Yeah, reality creeping in. More words. Better git ...

MasterBait Company Newsletter

MasterBait Company Newsletter
Vol. 4, No. 1

MasterBait Brand Fishing Lures – Home of the World-Famous PocketRocket, TrouserTrout, and the all new Cyclopes! Fishing ain’t fishing unless you’re MasterBaiting!

Welcome to the latest issue of the MasterBait Newsletter. Ever round the bend of a stream and see a fisherman fumbling in his pocket with a big grin on his face? You know he’s reaching for that TrouserTrout and is getting ready to MasterBait! Walk over and say, Hello! For good measure, whip out your PocketRocket and show your new friend your MasterBaiting technique! You’ll have a new friend for a long, long time.

ANNOUNCEMENT! ANNOUCEMENT! New line – Cyclops. We’re pleased to announce the availability of a new line of MasterBait lures – the Cyclops. Based upon our patent-pending WINK technology, the Cyclops funnels water back through its body and shoots it in front of itself, creating a pulsating rhythm that fish can’t help but gobble up. Be sure to order several! You haven’t MasterBaited until you’ve been WINKed at by the One-Eyed Guy!

Sad News. We are saddened to share the passing of one of our founders, Don Pheeler, inventor of our best-selling line, the PocketRocket. As a recipient of the industry’s distinguished Honored Among Regulars award, he adopted the acronym and was known as HAR Don Pheeler.

HAR Don taught in our schools during every session. “Don’t yank on that thing so hard, you’ll pull it off!” was a common refrain to new students.

At 81 years old, he spoke last year about his eventual death: “When I die, I’ll be happy if only I die MasterBaiting.” He got his wish. He passed with his PocketRocket in hand. In accordance with his final instructions, he was interred in a seated position with both hands firmly grasping his PocketRocket. Wherever he is now, we are comforted to known that he is surrounded by legions of MasterBaiters. Godspeed, friend.

Customer Profile. Richard Johnson has been MasterBaiting for 40 years. He taught his son how to MasterBait, and four of his grandchildren – three boys and one girl. “She was a real challenge,” Dick shared with us as we sat at his MasterBaition Station next to his pond. “Couldn’t seem to focus enough. Very bright girl. Very energenic. But her mind would wander during lessons. The boys took right to it! My, I get up with the sun and they’d be in the backyard – that early! Standing in a circle, Wonder Worms in hand, MasterBaiting like it was their last chance. It was glorious to see.”

Dick showed us his den where he has his equipment laid out. It was easy to tell his love for the sport: his eyes misted over as he showed us his Captain Slappy. “This is how I used to do it,” and he proceeded to share his early MasterBaition technique. We all laughed at his feigned clumsiness.

Back at the Station, Dick began to work with his granddaughter again. “Your hand goes here …” His voice trailed out of range for us to hear, but his dedication to teaching was easy enough to see. She’ll be fine. She’ll be MasterBaiting like a pro in no time.

Dick Johnson. A MasterBaiter for the record books.

MasterBaition Nation in the News.

“I should have stuck to MasterBaiting! Good rule: An intern walks into the office – grab your Schlong and run!” Former President Bill Clinton, commenting upon the Monica Lewinsky Scandal.

“Women Don’t MasterBait!” Sen. Hillary Clinton (D-NY). Over 43% of our customers beg to differ, Senator! Maybe if you MasterBaited regularly, that angry look on your face would soften. Go ahead, give it a try!

“Well, Dick, I’m right-handed. When it gets real bad, I MasterBait with my left hand and I don’t feel so all alone.” Former Sen. Tom Daschle (D-SD) on how he passes his time now that he’s been unemployed for a few years.

Dear Yanker – Our readers share their stories and ask for advice.

Dear Yanker, just wanted to share a great memory. My wife was telling me the coffee was tasting bland and wanted a change. Well, I like my coffee just the way it is! So, the next morning I got up and told her I would make the coffee. I did it the usual way – but then I pulled out my TouserTrout and MasterBaited right in her cup! She loved it! Now, I MasterBait every morning! Thank you for my memories and her tastes! Jesse.

Dear Jesse, way to go! There’s nothing like the taste of TrouserTrout first thing in the morning! Your wife is one lucky girl. A little suggestion, if I may. Don’t limit the TrouserTrout to her coffee! Spread it over everything she eats! She’ll love you for it! Have a great time MasterBaiting! Yanker.

Dear Yanker, I need some advice. I try and try to MasterBait, but can’t seem to do it well. Little help? (Name withheld by request), age 14.

Dear Name Withheld, no need to be embarrassed! We all had to learn through trial and error. I suggest that you start with the PockerRocket – it’s the only model that comes with a head so your grip won’t slip! This is important if you adopt the “new-bee” technique suggested by some of our old timers – put a little soap on that stick! Once you develop your own technique for yanking, the soap will no longer be necessary. Soap up, yank, and enjoy! Yanker.

Employee Profile. Richard Charles Hertz, Jr. “Who’s Dick Hertz?” you ask. We wish everyone could raise their hand! Dick is our quality assurance manager. Next time you touch your Elastic Warrior and it feels so good, or your Mayonnaise Cannon shoots its load with pinpoint accuracy, you have Dick to thank! He MasterBaits eight hours a day, five days a week, just to please you, our devoted MasterBaition Nation. Next time you visit our offices, be sure to rub his bald head for good luck, and don’t be surprised if he stands at attention in appreciation! Way to go, Dick!

Contest. Send us pictures of you MasterBaiting in public! We are looking for unique technique and a curious environment. Everyone who enters will receive a suitable-for-framing “Grant of Membership in the MasterBaition Nation” certificate. Grand prize is a trip to our company headquarters where you can MasterBait along with us at the company pond!

Last Month’s Contest Winners. Remember, we asked you – the members of the MasterBaition Nation – to send in your ideas for taglines to be used in our advertising. The response was overwhelming! Thank you to everyone that submitted an entry.

Although the choice was difficult, our judges went for the simple, direct approach. Our winner was yanker John Thomas of Worcester, Mass. His winning entry is elegant in its simplicity: “I MasterBait.”

A whole bunch of taglines deserve honorable mention: “MasterBait with a friend,” “I’ll stop MasterBaiting when you pry my TrouserTrout from my cold, dead fingers,” “Serial MasterBaiter,” “I’d Rather be MasterBaiting!” “Women MasterBait, Too!” “It’s not a Choice – It’s MasterBaition!” and our in-house favorite, “I MasterBait and I Vote.”

Special Mention goes out to this entry. We’re not quit sure how effective it is in catching fish, but we applaud the effort: “I MasterBait in the Shower!”

Order a Catalogue! It’s Free! Our lures are known around the world! Our best sellers include: the Angry Samoan, Ankle Spanker, Beaver Cleaver, Beef Bayonet, Blue-Veined Custard Chucker, Captain Candy, Captain Slappy, The Cheese Farm, Chromosome Snake, Devirginator, Denture Cleaner, Elastic Warrior, Eleventh Finger, Giggle Stick, Gherkin, Gut Wrench, Hanging Johnny, Hog’s Leg, Kickstand, Kidney Sweeper, Knee Knocker, Little Elvis, Love Club, Main Vein, Mayonnaise Cannon, Meat Thermometer, One-Eyed Cave Explorer, Pork Flute, Pork Sword, Pump-Action Yogurt Rifle, Russle the One-Eyed Muscle, Schlong, Tallywacker, Wonder Weasel, and the Wonder Worm.

Don’t forget a tackle box to hold all your MasterBait lures! Choose from our most popular models including the Bean Bag, Chin Ornament Sack, and the Mud Flap!

Hey Ladies, going on a sausage run? Aren’t you tired of the bar scene? Gather a few friends and stay home with our MasterBaition Party Kit! You won’t be disappointed and the fun will come in wave after wave of excitement all night long.

Job Opportunity. We are looking for a Master MasterBaiter! Do you MasterBait well enough to teach others? Drop us a line and describe your experience and technique. A video might be helpful. Consider including a session of you showing others how to MasterBait.

MasterBait for profit – become a dealer of our products. Need a fundraiser? Sell our LapTaffy! Call the home office for more details and an information package.

Changing America into a MasterBaition Nation one yanker at a time!