Bad hair IS a violation of the law

Always learning, I am. I discovered a secret movement of women being arrested for nothing more than bad hair. I'm not sure if the girls purposely flaunt their faulty coifs in hopes of being arrested, or if the NJS Police have a dragnet set for offensive do's. Either way, the contest is on.

Our first contestant, Betty Martin, is a luscious 5'6" with sky blue eyes spread on and around an endearing 195 pounds of woman. Her trumped up charges include Possession of a Controlled Substance and Receiving Stolen Property. Her do begins with white-girl corn rows that ease into an explosion of K-Mart rubber bands, which culminate in spider-leg ponytails. A truly exceptional entry. Thank you, Betty.

Next, Tyrida Carter, aka, Tyrinda, Joy, and Kerema, was picked up still holding her return boarding pass from Disney World & Epcot Center. Her trumped-up charges include two counts of aggravated assault for which she hopes to be paroled later this year. Regardless, she has already booked her flight back to Orlando for April 20, 2008 - one day following her max date. Her coif speaks for itself: elegantly small dreads formed into Mickey ears drooping slightly. Cheer up, Tyrida Tyrinda Joy Kerema! Nobody likes a sad clown!

Our next entrant, Holly Bernard, is another white girl advancing the corn row look. Holly is in the midst of a five-year stint for robbery. She sports a mandatory minimum of 4 years, 3 months, and 1 day! And not a moment less, young lady! The uniqueness of her do can be seen in the rear sides – braids intact on the viewer’s right, and undone on the left. Remarkable symmetry! Holly has lots of runways in her future! Maybe a little pancake on the forehead for your next mug shot, babe.

Next in our coiffed sister list is April Ballentine. April enjoyed the best of New Jersey hospitality on dual three-year sentences for both sides of possession – drugs and a weapon! Her eleven corn rows flow backward like the hands on a multiple-personality clock. What happens on the back of her head is anyone’s guess. The audience is left with only wisps of her beautiful blonde locks. One can only hope it is natural!

Perhaps seeing April scooped up by several brawny NJS cops and wanting to share in the thrill, Crissy Davidson sports a variation of April’s “What’s-that-in-the-back-of-your-head?” look. Thinking quickly, Crissy dealt some weed on school property and was promptly give a year and nine months, with a 4 year tail. You go, girl! Crissy’s front rows lack the drawing power of April’s clock hands, but her rear guard more than overcomes that deficiency. Look at how it seems to stand straight out at all angles from bottom to both sides to the top. Just takes your breath away.

Just two more to go, voters! Next up is Nicole Peterson. This girl needs no alias at a compact 144 pounds and 5’5”. Fresh off 3 years, 4 months, and 22 days for robbery, Nicole sports a fun asymmetrical rooster’s tail led to by a motif of corn rows. This tranquil country scene resting on her ample head was sure to attract a squad car in no time! Enjoy your street time, girl – they can’t touch you now … you’re all maxed out!

Our final contestant, Leya Williams, causes the boys to do a double-take: is that hair or the aftermath of second-degree burns? AKA Leah, our potential burn victim is no one to mess with. One hundred fifty-eight pounds compacted into a 5’6” frame, Leya looks forward to another of life’s disappointments on Christmas Eve 2007 when the parole board will blow through her early release, and instead opt to max her out into the summer of 2008 for her robbery and weapons convictions. Leya finished her ambiguous top with sides that scream for a dab of conditioner or grease. The energy felt in her do belies a calm deep within her.

So there you have it. Our first bad-hair day contest. Voting will continue until the last inmate is released, so take your time in marking your ballots.

(Tip of the hat to iowahawk who inspired this writing through his series of posts highlighting the “Hoosegow Honeys.” His latest post is a few paragraphs down here. My contribution to the cause is Diane Crew, a not-quite-svelte-but-charming-nonetheless 5’5”, 139 pounds, getting ready to celebrate her 21st birthday this October. Diane offers a simple blown-dry blonde hair with strawberry highlights framing her blue eyes and high cheek bones. She’ll be a good girl, staying away from manufacturing meth with her boyfriend until at least Christmas 2009 when she maxes out.)