Get your CrackFone today!

Ever been in a strange city with an empty crack pipe? If you had our patent pending CrackFone, you’d be one button away from complete disorientation!

Here’s how it works: With the built-in GPS, it knows where you are. Simply push a button – 1, 2, or 3 – to indicate how much rock you need, and a local street dealer will be to you right away! In fact, with our 15 minute guaranty, we promise that by the end of the SpongeBob episode you will completely forget who Patrick is! Or the rock is on us! Free! And you don’t even have to pay the dealer. We will charge your credit card automatically.

Don’t want to smoke alone? No problem! If you upgrade to our “Friends & Family” model, you are just one button away from extending your destructive lifestyle to others! Just push the button – easy as 1-2-3 – to indicate the number of prostitutes you desire. And remember, no need to pass money to the ladies (or guys!*); your credit card will automatically be charged. Ho, ho, ho!

(*When ordering prostitutes, select "Female," "Male," or "Random.")

Customer comments: “I was feeling really depressed. I just stole this lady’s purse and it had no cash in it. I really wanted a cheeseburger. But it did have a credit card! So I ran to the gas station before she could alert her credit card company and bought the Friends & Family CrackFone. I kept on pushing the buttons until it read ‘Credit Card denied.’ Man, that lady had a high limit! By the time I was done, I had 97 slabs and 32 prostitutes. We had a party!”

Don’t hesitate! Don’t find yourself alone and straight! Get your CrackFone right now and you’ll be rocking with the ho’s all night!

Dealers: Want to increase your business and streamline your accounts receivable management? We have very high quality standards, but you may qualify! Drop us a line and tell us how you cook your crack, what weight you can deliver, and your operating range. We’ll get back to you quickly!

Dealer comments: “Homey, I be telling you, check this out, I used to stand on the corner in the muthaf----g cold just to push 15-20 dime rocks a night. It was hard work. Now, I sits in my crib with my CrackDealerFone in one hand and a Nexxttel in the other. Some crackhead uses his CrackFone and I relay it to the small army of 12 year olds I’ve assembled. I get orders all the time. And no lost cash anymore! Sure I lose some rock now and then cuz some muthaf----g punkass kid falls off the muthaf----g mealtrain, but that’s their problem. There be lots more where they come from. I’s be rich, muthaf----er!”

Prostitutes: Tired of working for a pimp that doesn’t treat you like a business partner? We take only 20% and never touch you after our first trial run and annual reassessments. We even provide prescription coverage for sexually transmitted diseases, and two-weeks paid vacation each year (after three years’ employment). All you need to do show up promptly and perform thoroughly! And whatever crack the customer shares with you is free! To handle the overwhelming demand to be in our program, we ask that you send a videotape of your work. The tape cannot be shorter than 15 minutes, and must include at least three positions and some talking by you. Props are acceptable, but no animals. If you do not have access to video equipment, please contact us and we will arrange for an audition at our headquarters.

Prostitute comments: “They be nice.”

Become a subscriber today or join our team! You’re one button away from smiling!