Friday, December 8, 2006

Stupid in the Crib

Just saw a commercial for “My Lil Reminder.” Each recorder is $9.99 plus shipping and handling that I didn’t catch. But wait! A second one for free! They show somebody’s mother wandering around a parking lot looking for her car; take two: she exists her car and dictates the location! Later she replays it! She stops wandering! The rest of the bits were reminders to pick up kids, groceries lists, directions while driving, and maybe something else. Seems very useful!

I wondered how long the tape ran. The briefest of research got me to Mom Gadget. A good mixture of positive and negative comments. First, I found the s&h to be $6.99, total cost for the original deal is $16.98. Then the tape length – 20 seconds. Then the message issue – you can record only one message; the next recording overwrites. Then the clincher – what extra length? Go from 20 to 40 seconds. Cost is $9.99 per recorder (remember you are getting two), and add an additional $6.99 for s&h. Total revised cost: $43.95. Another site – I lost interest in tracking back to it – had a guy saying he wanted to return it but couldn’t find a way to contact them, including the number on the ban entry for the credit card which he called and always got a busy signal.

Good thing all the matriarchal figures in my blood lines are dead, else they’d be wandering parking lots.

Speaking of liars, how about a Shocking Lie Detector? It’s an Aussie product and something must be lost in the translation: the site reads, “Sorry – this item is SOLD.” Hmmm. Total cost is about $40.00.

It works just like a lie detector – baseline questions to calibrate, and then the interrogator takes over. Some interesting quotes: Make “sure you make contact with all the sensors, and strap yourself in”; “If you answer the truth to your interrogator's questions, you'll be fine. Lie, and you'll be punished with an electric shock”; and “Please note: The Electric Shock Lie Detector is not suitable for epilepsy sufferers or pacemaker wearers.”

It provokes seizures and interrupts internal electrical regulation? I gotta get one of these! If it brings a risk of death if used as designed, imagine the fun with increased juice! I wonder if my boy can jerryrig the power source over to a car battery. “Hey, Grammaw! You sure you can’t find your car? Take a seat. Let’s see if you really can’t find your car or are instead trolling the parking lot. That your real hair? Better take that off, darling, you know how synthetics tend to melt.”

Don’t get bummed if this item is sold out, they have a whole line of shocking toys. Amazing.

Speaking of screechy singers, Barbra Streisand’s husband is pushing this website that claims that September 11 was a planned demolition. This is just too stupid. I can’t even make fun of it.

Speaking of intellectual vacuums, here is a list of all the secret tunnels that lead to the Underground Alien Bases. Wanna say “Merry Christmas” to an alien? Go here: There is an entrance to the tunnels in New York City in the vicinity of Midtown Manhattan that can be reached through an abandoned elevator shaft that only very few know about.

Can’t get there from here? Midtown abandoned shaft not specific enough? Try this: There are tunnels beneath Mt. Shasta that lead to a UFO base there, as well as tunnels that connect with the vast world-wide tunnel network. The Lemurian city "Telos" is said to exist beneath Mt. Shasta. William Hamilton has done much research on Mt. Shasta and the tunnels. He has privately published a book entitled "Alien Magic" 249 North Brand Boulevard, Suite 651 Glendale, CA 91203.

This is fun! I can feel my brains liquefying and sloshing around inside my skull. One more: After one of the Iron Mines in Newfoundland Province had been dug deeper than any other, strange happenings caused the mine to be shut down. The mining town in which this mine is located is near the Newfoundland-Quebec Border. This mine, having been condemned, is off-limits, and the police DO enforce this. Sneaking in late at night seems to be the only way to gain entrance.

What’dya give an alien for Christmas? They are living underground, so a flashlight? Isn’t it cold there? How about a sweater? How many arms they got? This is so complicated. Maybe I’ll get them a deck of cards and Hoyle. Can they read English? Great – just what we need – more undocumented aliens who can’t speak or read English.

If by chance you get lucky and capture one, on the bottom of this link is a recipe for Alien Lasagna. All you need is one pound of lean ground alien, so you probably don’t have to worry about size. Be sure to bring a baseball bat and burlap sack with you. I think you could safely substitute your alien in your Gator Gumbo or Cooter Soup.

Speaking of cooters, it’s time to make your plans for the Spring 2007 Cooter Fest. For the race: If’n you gots a cooder 6” or under, you be a mini-cooter; tain’t no greasing or drugging your cooder; you can’t rub your cooter, but you can coax it. Sounds like rule for safe cootering.

Speaking of natural selection, who said smoking doesn’t kill? This gumhead goes to light her cigarette, and mistakes a pistol for a lighter. Bang, eh? She didn’t die, yet. But these types never live long lives. She’ll walk into an open manhole or a Code 10-74 (armed robbery in progress). Save the specs – Olivia Hutcherson, 21, of Anderson, S.C. – and google for her obit in a couple of years. It’ll probably be messy.

Speaking of messy, this has gotta suck: This dude gets in a Jacuzzi with this girlfriend and it sucks him to the bottom drain, not letting go even though four guys try to get him out. Dead. Stay out of Jacuzzis, Olivia. Fair warning.

OK. Done.

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