Muslims rape crickets and get cancer. Film in two million years.

So I’m supposed to think that Muslims are some kind of socially advanced group. We read that they are peace loving. Respect is the cornerstone of their beliefs. Give me a break. I’m not even the tiniest bit sorry to write that such garbage offered by the weak-kneed press is laughable.

What brings this to mind? This quote explains everything: “President Pervez Musharraf has opened a new and especially bitter confrontation with radical Islam by trying to rewrite Pakistan's controversial rape laws. These place an almost impossible burden of proof on women by compelling them to produce four "pious" male witnesses to prove rape or risk being convicted of adultery and face 100 lashes or death by stoning. This law, known as the Hudood Ordinance, has been regarded as untouchable since its passage 27 years ago. It also sets no minimum age for sex with girls, saying only that they should have reached puberty. A powerful militant Muslim lobby regards this code as sacred and based on Koranic texts and sharia law.”

Overheard on a Muslim street corner: “Hey, Akmed, wanna go get some poontang? Go get your two cousins. With just four or us, no rape can be proven – need four witnesses, remember? Who ya wanna do, my Muslim brother? Hey, who cares about age? As long as it’s got hair on it, eh? You know what they’ll be saying? Who doed my daughter? Ha! Hudood – Who doed. It’s a funny! Get it? Who da dude dat doed my daughter? I crack myself up! Ugg, I got sand in the crack of my ass again. I hate living in the desert.”

Oh my, am I suggesting that all Muslim men are rapists? Golly gee, no! That would be insensitive of me! But let’s see … y’all think we are fanatical, violent, and arrogant. Who you calling arrogant? You talking to me? I oughta kick your ass. Wait, I need to pray towards WDC to the Great W (PBUH). Be right back.

OK. Let’s make a deal. You change your laws to something within, say, fifty or seventy-five years of ours, and then we’ll talk. Start with this: women can vote; women can choose their sex partners; women can pick their own clothes; and (Muhammad shutter!) men who commit rape get 20 years in prison. BTW, I thought the cartoon with that Muhammad guy with a bomb in his ‘do (second image down) was pretty funny – and more accurate than humorous. Tick, tick, tick!

I’m not done yet. What brutality prompts discussion of changing the law? Seems Muslim men accept the dictate of the law requiring four witnesses – if you ain’t got four witnesses, then rape must be a socially acceptable punishment. So a nurse would not perform illegal abortions, and she was raped as punishment. You people are barbarians. Start policing your own then condemn us. OK. Now I am done.

I think I found exactly the past-time for me – Fantasy Cricket. I know absolutely nothing about the sport, as evidenced here. I still think that sports writing that includes lines like the “in-form England batsman was given out” is just plain weird. But I’ll give it a try and see if I learn anything in the process. Oh. Just tried to register. Closed for the season. I will toss it into my favorites and try to remember. I guess I could try Fantasy Football (Soccer), but isn’t the whole concept point scoring? I thought those games went on for six hours, and wound up one-nil.

You know, as a general statement, I like the Brits, but their sports really suck.

I found an interesting article on eating bacon and bladder cancer, complete with an apologist. Five bacon sandwiches a week has been linked to a 59% increase in bladder cancer.

The apologist? From the article: Dr. Carol Cooper said: “If you look at anything closely enough, eating tons of it would be bad for your health.”

Eating tons of anything would be bad for your health. Thanks, Carol. How articulate.

Let’s see. There’s about 18 slices of bacon in a pound (good article on evaluating bacon bits). Three slices per sandwich? Let’s round up slightly and say one pound lasts for the five sandwiches of a week.

Dr. Cooper suggests “tons” (plural). Let’s be kind and say two. That is 4,400 pounds of bacon. At a pound of week, it would take a little over 84.6 years to consume “tons” of bacon.

There is no mention of how long the observational period was for the study. Let’s presume two years. No, three years. That’s about 156 pounds of bacon resulting in a 59% increase in bladder cancer. Rinse. Repeat as necessary until cancer is diagnosed.

One hundred fifty-six pounds is a far cry from “tons.” So in a huge leap of scientific tomfoolery, let me say that three pounds of bacon will result in a 1% increase of bladder cancer. (I know, even I could rip apart such statements and my name isn't even Carol.) Three pounds equals 15 sandwiches equals 1% increase. My bladder is what helps me not to tinkle in the grocery store parking lot like those old people in the handicap parking spaces. No thank you.

BTW, if you reduce your food to the basics – sugar, vegetable oil, protein, and fiber – without the nice presentation normal food has, an average guy needs 440 pounds of food per year to maintain his caloric intake. Interestingly, Doc Coop seems to be suggesting that if you ate nothing but one food for ten years (to achieve “tons”) that it would be “bad for your health.” No, sh*t, lady.

Women who eat red meat daily are twice as likely to get breast cancer. Yeah, I know, probably ate tons of it.

So this guy gets his wife’s kidney as a transplant and then starts to cook and play with dogs – just like her. Says he’s turning into her. Sounds as if he likes to wear things that make him feel pretty, eh? I bet he always did. The lengths some people go to to express themselves. Amazing.

Better not start any long novels. It seems that mankind will run its course, and the last guy will die on October 31st, 2,252,006 AD. Damn. A few months shy of my 2,250,048th birthday. I was really counting on that birthday, too. It’s when I think I’ll finally be out of debt and can start saving for retirement. I wish scientists would leave well enough alone. Now my whole day is ruined. Thanks, guys. Thanks a lot.

I got to go. I’ve only got a little over two million years to get my act together.