Saturday, April 14, 2007

My kind of town

NYC is such a great town. This 31-year-old guy is interviewing a client in a law firm. First, this next bit doesn’t sit well – the dude is “interviewing a client” but the law firm where he was said that he did “odds-and-ends work.” Meeting with a client, presumably of the law firm, is rather significant. Anyway, the interview must not have been going well. The dude gets up, goes to another office, opens the window, and pitches himself off the 69th floor.

He became one with the the 30th floor landing. Well, all except a leg – that continued to the ground level where a woman in a tourist bus responded quickly with her camera. “So, how was your trip to NYC, Edna? Did you take any pictures?” “Oh, it was lovely. We ate at this wonderful bistro, and I got this picture of a leg. I think it’s a size 9 shoe. What do you think? Lovely argyle sock. The things people throw away in big cities. It’s a real shame.”

Wanna really piss somebody off but not sure who or how? Try the 84th richest man on the world. Seems he was (perhaps still is) constipated. Some whack-job local-whatever-they-call-a-doc-in-Macau literally rammed something up his ass. Are you people, like, retarded? Constipation doesn’t mean there’s a blockage – no matter what the similarity, the colon is not a septic line to an open sewer. Even if there was a blockage, you don’t ram something in there to unblock it.

This text lifted from the article is priceless (I combined three consecutive paragraphs):

"I don't know who was so careless, injuring his rectum when relieving the constipation," it quoted Chan [one of his wives] as saying. Ming Pao Daily News quoted another one of Ho's wives, Angela Leong, as saying Ho was recovering well. "Thanks for your concern. There isn't a problem at all," she said. Ming Pao said its reporter could hear Ho talking loudly in the background.

Talking loudly? Too funny.

So this guy’s wife dies and he robs a sex shop. Apologizes for the interruption to business. Full face on camera. Is he trying to go to prison so that he can become a sex toy himself? Ironic. “OK, now, you are a stewardess. Ask me if I want a pillow. And use that pretty voice or you’ll be squealing like a pig all night long. HEY, JIMBO! Look at this boy’s knees are cut up and swollen. Maybe I should dress him up like a football player so he can have knee pads! Naw, that would be just too weird. OK, boy, now ask me if I want anything else …”

I have to give Darwin a victory on this one. This guy lives in a townhouse with his daughter. He steals his neighbor’s gas dryer. His neighbors? How does that work? They steal appliances from one another? Well, seems our thief didn’t quite know how to hook it up right. Place go boom. Complete with pics. Natural selection: thief and (sadly) daughter both dead.

This guy should be an action figure sold at Kmart. Three o’clock A.M. “Shush, quiet. Are the lights out? Don’t rev the engine!” Back pick-up truck to window. Hammer to window, SMASH! “OK, now! Quick!” They get the chain onto the ATM machine. “I am so into this, Jim Bob! OK, get back in the truck. Pop that clutch, boy!” The machine comes loose. “A little more! Drag it forward a bit!” They manage to get the 300-pound machine on the back of the truck. “Like tossing pigs, ain’a, Billy?” V-V-VROOOOMMMM!, off they drive. “What’s that! Dang-hole, Jim Bob, the po-lice done behind us! Quick, I know where we are. Down this street.” Alas, our hero picked a dead-end street. No worries, just leave the truck and ATM behind. Out the door our hero exists, breaks into a full run to escape the bad law-enforcement personnel. Out the door … full run … escaping … escaping … wait for it … esca--- … then off pops the prosthetic leg! Hate when that happens. ”HEY, JIMBO! Got me a new sex toy. This one’s like a popsicle only he does the licking! Alright, boy, what flavor am I today?"

Oh yeah, that Tomb and Jesus and His Family thing? The one that whatever the director’s name was said that they so carefully researched? Everyone is bailing, including the people quoted in the documentary. Go figure.

Reading tea leaves in politics is so pathetic. Fred Thompson has skin cancer. This article reads, ”Some believe admission he has cancer evidence he'll try for presidency in '08.” Um, I have dry skin in the winter – what can I run for? Does it have a pension plan?

Last word on Don Imus. He is quoted as saying some time ago, ”My goal is to goad people into saying something that ruins their life.” Ironic.

Time for me to go.

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