Tuesday, May 22, 2007

john edwards, BPC

(BPC = butt plug connoisseur)

Like a novel of which there is no need to turn the pages because you already know that somehow, someway the protagonist will survive and the villain will surely perish, this blockhead starts arguing with his girlfriend. He is mean. He yells will sitting in line with several cars waiting for an approaching commuter train traveling northbound at 79MPH (when will it cross a southbound train, presently 35 miles away, traveling at 64 MPH if the southbound train makes two stops (at miles 14 and 22 from its present location), assuming deceleration and acceleration constants of 24 MPH/minute, a standstill of 45 seconds, and further assuming that the northbound train makes no stops?). Yelling is not good enough. He pulls his car ahead of the others, gets onto the tracks, and stops!! With little time to spare, he bolts from the car, leaving his girlfriend behind. HORRORS! But wait! Remember protagonist and villain? The train slams into the car, throws it into the air, and – you guessed it – it lands on and kills the villian. Girlfriend is just fine. What a great country.

Now it is time to get scared. My daughter and I are laughing at the nastiness that was Vlad II, aka, Vlad the Impaler.

First – good story – “Dracul” means Devil in Romanian. Vlad’s dad was given that as a nickname. His second son, Vlad II, keep it and (in keeping with local lexicon) added an "a" to represent the son of Dracul – "Dracula", the son of the Devil.

V2 was seriously disturbed. The story goes that a foreign merchant from Hungary visited the capital of Tirgoviste. V2 ordered him to leave his wagon of gold in the street overnight to show off how his people would not steal. However the merchant was surprised to find 160 gold florins missing in the morning. V2 then told the merchant "Go now; and tonight you shall have your gold back". He ordered his men to find the thief in the city saying also that if the burglar was not found that he would personally throw one of the hugest tantrums anyone had ever seen and destroy the city.

V2 then put his own money in the wagon overnight adding one florin to the original sum.

The next morning the Merchant found his florins returned with one extra. V2 had by then been brought the thief and had him impaled. He announced to the Merchant "walk in peace now; but if you had not told me about that one florin, I would have had you impaled together with this thief!".

The V-ster nailed hats onto people's heads, impaled small animals when he was in prison himself, skinned a woman alive for lying, impaled people on stakes with differing heights according to their rank. That last part was rather thoughtful.

So V2 was the basis for the Dracula story, and hence the folklore of vampires. But is it really folklore?

The same website also discusses vampires. It has a very useful list that should be entitled, "you know you are a vampire if ..." Now, that is news I can use.

My daughter and I sifted through the list. 3d down, “To be borne born with teeth or a caul or stillborn - is believed to be a Vampire.”

“… or stillborn, or stillborn” I think to myself, “I thought that meant dead.” The thought of a stillborn child growing into a vampire chilled me. “But that can’t happen. Right?” Then this morning, an article hits the waves: Stillborn Baby Comes to Life.

There be no such thing as a coincidence. My colon is percolating at the thought of vampires in Australia. I feel drawn. I don't mean I feel myself being pulled there. I mean I feel two dimensional. Oh, just re-read the article. Malaysia, not Australia. Malaysia, Australia, whatever. They're close, right?

Well, what will they think of next? A vacuum cleaner with a vibrator attachment. That house will be clean! I wonder if it comes with an optional butt plug? Oh, damn, did I say that out loud? It ain’t for me, but I know this g--, yeah, just shut up and move on. Gotcha.

I have two people very close to me that enjoy Hello Kitty. I wonder if they see the humor in Hello Kitty Hell. Maybe it can be explained to them. I’ll take -s-; you take -j-. Oh, nevermind, -s- is looking over my shoulder. She's not impressed. What does -j- think? Yes, -s-, they should be ashamed of themselves. No, I will not tell you what that is used for. Just move on, please. I know, I know. Listen, I am writing, dear, I need to finish this. OK, punky? Thank you. I love you, too.

Political sidebar: You gotta respect the shameless hypocrisy of John Edwards. The dude gives a speech on poverty to students out in Cal, and charges $55,000. Whose leg do you have to hump to get a gig like that?

See the dude? Go ahead and guess. First hint: He’s 37. Guess? OK, second hint: Acne, and pouty lips. OK, OK, third: He’s got a teacher’s cert. A-HA! There you go. Yes, sexual relations with a student. But what gender? Gotcha there! Yeah, stickboy. In the classroom no less. Whacked with three felonies. He’ll be getting up close and personal soon enough. By the time he gets out, he’ll be good enough to turn pro. As long as his jaw isn’t busted too badly. That’s more common than you think. People like Kirk James Hellwood should meet people like Vlad II for impaling of a slightly different sort. You know, KJ, a semen wash every day may clear up that acne. Enjoy prison. Just as an aside, K-ster, you do have one option: you can kill yourself. Just a thought. Think it through.

Back to real issues …

I enjoy making CD compilations. Have only ever done it for certain people. I am waaaaaay too paranoid to share such insights into my brain with just anyone. I found this cool website to make paper CD cases. You will need, as well, the folding instructions.

What am I listening to right now? Why do you want to know? Who sent you? Pink Floyd, The Wall, Side 2. Now go away.

2 comments:

  1. hello kitty rocks!

    ReplyDelete
  2. you are right, anon. isn't anything better. -s-

    ReplyDelete