Wednesday, May 23, 2007

Paper or plastic, ma'am?

“Hey doc,” the patient says, “I’m having trouble with my sex life with my wife. We seem so out sync that I think something may be physically wrong with me.”

“Well,” said the doc, “I really don’t understand your problem. I had absolutely no problem.”

“What do you mean, doctor?”

“Well, I banged her right here on this very desk.”

You know, the first question I have is what kind of guy goes to his wife’s ob-gyn for medical advice about his dysfunctional pocket rocket. The doc helped delivery the couple’s baby a few months earlier, probably saw the most spectacular vertical smile, and smiled back. What a great country. Australia, that is.

I have this theory, mentioned here a few times vis-à-vis my daughter’s societal issues, that you parent the deviance you see. If an authority figure, parent or otherwise, does nothing but quash deviance at any level, all they are doing is pushing the bump in the rug to a place out of view. The bump still exists. To wit, one would think that Muslim countries, for all of their I-don’t-touch-pork, I-want-my-women-covered, FU-and-your-cartoons mentality, would be very focused on the dignity of their sexual lives. Missionary style in silent prayer the whole way. Maybe a yelp at the end to mark the abrupt sharing of bodily fluids. Some sort of PBUH mumble, then the guy goes to bed and the sheep back to the barn. No wait, that came out wrong. Whatever, you get the point.

So Google apparently lets you find out the frequency of searches. I put in a simple term: “sex” (I needed a better graphic for this post, but it was inspired by this post).

Top countries searching the term “sex” on Google, in order from 1 through 10: Pakistan, Egypt, India, Turkey, Viet Nam, Morocco, Iran, Saudi Arabia, Croatia, and Indonesia.

Beyond the littering of Muslim sheep-bangers, it is interesting to note that this ranking is based upon absolute number of searches. The data is not normalized for population. I am not going to do the research, but it is without fear of contradiction to state that America and Western Europe have on balance more people (yeah, I see India, too) and – more importantly – more penetration of internet access.

Rabat, Morocco, clicking along at just 1.2 million people, is the fourth most sex-obsessed city in the world. I betcha them sheep walk with a gait that would have made John Wayne proud.

Ah, good fact, wanna find the masturbaters? Go to New Zealand and Australia. They own six of the top seven cities worldwide. Coming in at Number 6, the only city outside “down under” (now there’s a new meaning to that phrase, eh?) is … wait for it … Salt Lake City! I thought having lots of wives meant never having to yank; goes to show you what you can learn on the internet. Funny that there are more yankers in all of Puerto Rico, Ireland, and the United Kingdom – separately tallied – than in the entire United States.

Here’s to you, Adelaide, Australia, the pud-pulling capital of the world! ‘av a Foster’s on us.

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