Sunday, August 19, 2007


i am really maxed out today. maybe 4:00AM i awoke with a bad stirring in my chest. one of those emotional stirrings, ugly and deep. i took as full a breath as i could and was pleased that my side didn't hurt. i moved towards my right and, slice, the pain was there. i had to breath shallowly to keep it at bay. every breath added to my building cranky mood.

i found a position and was able to sleep again. i don't remember the times or frequency, but i awoke a handful of instances, finally giving up at about 7:00AM. i didn't exactly "give up"; i allowed the anger to hold me, and that prevented any more sleep.

i tried friendly ground to quell its tightening grip. i wrote a few e's to my twin and felt better as i wrote, wonderful as i hit send, then right back down as the seconds ticked by.

i did some physical work, and was amazed that i was asked to help, then wound up doing it alone. that just added. so then i found my trigger. i had asked for something in an e several days ago and that e was ignored. so i went in search of the recipient, and found myself being questioned. so i informed said recipient the actions i would take to achieve my end if it was not done as i had asked. still, resistence. so i proceeded to complete my promise. not even a third of the way into ripping apart a room, i escalated the promise to a specific asset. i finally got what i had asked for in the beginning. "will you clean up this mess?" i was asked. "of course not. i told you what i wanted and what would happen if i did not get it. so you made an informed decision and this is the aftermath. not my problem."

i had to leave the house before i got more angry. i do not cotton rebellion in the ranks.

upon my return, i informed said rebelling party of my desire for future non-communication. the prestinely preserved historical response came of sheer wonderment enveloping a complete lack of understanding why i would be as cranky as i am. i refused to play. sheer wonderful, part two. refusal, part deux. finally, i gave just enough information to ensure that notice could be had if it was desired.

i will not be the other end of a candle burning at twice the normal speed ever again. i am quite angry that such a presumption was even made. there shall be no empathy accepted in any form. that has been stated clearly enough for me, and in sufficiently clear words (with response) that no intention to begin or continue that process is at hand.

i have spent almost 20 years of my life in a train wreck. my only hope is to get out alive.

sometimes you have to wear an asshat to get your point across.

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