google that, 10-4, good buddy whatever

I enjoy tracking my hits from time to time. I don’t seek traffic in any manner, and I just started exchanging links (one so far, maybe a second out there). I just write what is on my mind. Sometimes it is a fleeting thought or emotion, other times more considered.

“If you write it, they will come” is not a motivation for me. I just enjoy having my space on the net and playing. It’s like a sandbox for a wifi-equipped deranged child. I do enjoy seeing return readers. I think it is amazing that people would read something I wrote, and then purposefully return. I think it may be rooted in the “train wreck syndrome.” “I just know this guy is going to go to supernova someday. Even though I am sitting here in [insert wherever the hell you are], I just know it will be spectacular when it happens. It will hit the AP wires.” When my book comes out in the 18-24 months it’ll take to finish and pre-pub, you dedicated readers can e me – I’ll send you a personalized and autographed copy. It’ll make for a great flat surface to prop up your bedside lamp to a better height. Your eyes will thank me as they are able to read real writing without all the strain from before.

Anyway, I was checking my hits – not the numbers, but the sources. I read something on another blog about listing the Google Number Ones you have. So I have done that below, along with the top fives.

Number Ones.

I did several posts on a spam call I got. The number came back as 864-223-1911. What troubled me was that the Caller ID read a residence. I reversed it and found a street address and a couple’s name. WTF? I was being solicited to buy Verizon cellular service, and the caller was spoofing their origin! I posted, and got all sorts of hits. I’ve posted a few times now. Go over to Mine Shafts or lower to the Cloud of Coal Dust and check out the posts. Actually, the comments are more interesting and informative than what I wrote.

Seems one of my medical posts got a hit when someone googled, correct spelling for guaiac-negative. “Guaiac” refers to a fetal smear test when they look for occult blood. Tell me it wasn’t a doc checking the net to make sure he spelt it correctly. Please. I figured out “subpoena” and “res ipsa loquitur” because it was part of my job. It just isn’t my problem that the word derives from “Guaiacum,” being a genus of shrubs and trees native to the Americas.

Sometimes I am amazed at the seemingly generic words or phrases that rank me so high. How can I own the Google top spot for unsafe things? Should Ralph Nader or Concerned Citizens for Safer Sex Toys (CoC-Saf-T) be there?

If you look at my posts on “prison girls” you’ll see the mug shots and beauty comps I did. Several of them (or their new concerned mates or coworkers!) google the names frequently. Got this recently: "Abigail Fields", robbery Hey, Abby! Write me!

Top Fives.

I am no longer going to use the designation “Dr. Clyde” in my medical posts. I’m gonna switch (maybe) to “IDr. Clyde.” I am not a real doc – I just play one on the internet! Really! It’s disturbing when people google enlarged left ventricle and read my stuff. If that puppy is bigger than it should be, stop searching the net! Get a real doc! I’m fucking serious!

Sometimes the hits make no sense to me: lewis ling in squirrels. Who is Lewis Ling and what is he doing inside a squirrel and why does someone search the net to confirm or deny his presence in said rodent? Shudder.

Gotta love coming up big on 1969 Woodstock bumper sticker slogan. I am a part of Americana, eh?

Now, why why why do I rank on "nearer thy god to thee" lyrics? My site is rated NC-17. Yes, I am a Christian, but not a very good one, and certainly not a source for old-time lyrics. Makes me glad my dad is dead. I think he would kick my ass if he saw this ranking.

This is a somewhat narrower search, seeking only blogger hits: "Beware of Darkness" Harrison blogspot. My post included some video and the lyrics, so I am content with this ranking. Good hit.

Speaking as a doc, I am concerned when someone googles big piece shit from anus. Did you just wake up from a coma and are re-learning life? You know, the “who are you” to your spouse and kids, and “what’s that box with the little people in it? A TV? What’s that?” and “I think I may be sick. Something just came out of ass!” kind.

This hit is truly disappointing. That 1959 cookbook I reviewed was bad enough, but it seems people still want to know about dressings for jello molds. C’mon, people! You know what jell-o is made from? You don’t “mold” the stuff – you run from it. You don’t put dressing on it, you go through aversion therapy to ensure you don’t relapse next time the urge to even walk down the same grocery aisle comes.

Alright, who wants to know about the dwarfs live inside mt.shasta? I knew they lived somewhere. The clowns are in Sarasota, Florida. Carnival people live here in NEPA. Now we know where the dwarves are. I feel safe.

All for now.