site meter follies followed by ramblings

Answer: In this order, ABC News, the FBI, an NPR piece, Wikipedia, Jihad Watch, the Saudi Embassy, me.

Question: What is google’s top seven for “wanted terrorist from yemen”? Returned with july 2005 archive.

Yeah, that’s me, terrorist-hunting superhero. Even more fun, following me is Fox News, CNN, and the NYT. I also come in 20th! I wonder if I could sell my page rankings … CNN can use all the help it can get.

The internet is such a dangerous place to get information.

Seems our sitemeter follies a couple two tree posts below missed one cc: on Poindexter’s e: Talisman Energy, Calgary. Dat boy dun shard are storey un stoopud tings! If’n I had a momma I’d bea telling ‘er! Dang!

Answer: In this order, Food Timeline, What’s Cooking America, Motts, me.

Question: What is Google’s top four for the history of applesauce? Return with stupid clowns with a side of applesauce.

I am the authority on the history of applesauce immediately following Motts? You guys are in trouble!

Answer: I didn’t want to sound offensive, so I googled insensitive penis.

Question: What do I do with this limp dick with which I live?

Good advice inspired by one of my hero’s in this life.


Answer: That right there is my e.a.merkel double barrel rabbit ear shotgun.

Question: What the fuck is a rabbit ear shotgun?

This sounds dangerous, and I think the person who googled such a thing is probably way too into weaponry.

Answer: It removes the need to discuss jock itch sweat and detergents.

Question: What are bunched panties?

I understand googling “jock itch and detergent.” The little buddies can be sensitive sometimes, particularly in the summer months. The addition of “sweat” throws me. I fail to see the nexus to detergent. Sweat is a function of aeration, heat, and exertion. The detergent I use doesn’t make me sweat. I might get hives. I can see that. Sweat? Um, no.

I’m working on a theory here. If I ridicule enough people that visit my site, maybe I can achieve singularity. That point of infinite density the other side of which is completely unknown to science. Is it a worm hole to another part of me? Do I burst forward into something later catalogued as Big Bang Clyde, and through this dispersion of my matter form little galaxies that float around me like a herd of mosquitoes? Am I expanding or contracting? If you look at me with a really powerful telescope, will you see me when I was younger?

What will be my last thought as I lay dying? I suspect something about what I was going to do next like the laundry, or something I wanted to do like rinse my dinner plate. I think the profound thoughts will come in the hours before, provided I am not so cranked up on morphine that I am just watching the walls melt. Will I be alone? I think I will have a dog, so I better use big bowls in case I am not found for a few days.

My Great Aunt Nana was afraid of hospitals and she died in one. That always bothered me. My second cousin Craig lived a year after his fatal diagnosis and no one told me. That continues to piss me off.

My father told my brother and me that if his “dick sill worked” he “would have divorced your mother a long time ago.” I was saddened that he didn’t live until Viagra came on the market or that the whole poker tournament thing came after his death. He was an excellent card player. The last time I saw him alive was at a card game we both played in. I remember finally figuring out his game that night. I guess it was time.

I am getting ready to enter the next phase of my life. I think it will be my last. Will it last 30 years or more?

I just got T.Rex’s Dandy in the Underworld. Marc Bolan and the band were on tour when it came out on March 11, 1977. Six months later he was dead at age 30. I don’t understand why people die so young. He had an exceptionally good time while he was here, but don’t we all?

My skin gets dry in the winter. I started to use this soap I put on a scrungee thing. Seems to be helping. But I reach around to itch my lower back, and I feel hair there. Makes me wonder if I have hair on my ass. I am afraid to look. I am not going to itch there except through clothes to ensure that I gather no information. It is just something I don’t want to know.

Does everyone write poetry at some time in their life?

I lot of us have some perpetual fuck-up we know that makes our life look not so bad. Do those perpetual fuck-ups have someone they know even more fucked up? Is there no bottom to the pit?

I love old pennies. Wouldn’t it be cool to know precisely every story associated with a particular coin from its first use to the present? I pick up every penny I find. I save them. Remind me of my twin.

Time to transit …

sitemeter follies

It started innocently enough. Hethcliffe was sitting at his desk at the Alberta Energy Company Limited in Calgary, Alberta, Canada, and was completely bored. So he googled, ”banning stupid”. Seems a reasonable thing to google for a man in Hethcliffe's prone position.

There we sat, occupying the number one spot with, ”try banning stupid people instead.”

Being the reasonable sort, and, remember, bored to the point of stacking aspirin at 7:30 AM, Hethcliffe clicks on through and reads. Seems we brought a smile to his nicotine and caffeine stained teeth. How nice. Too bad his tremors that aren't serious enough for socialized medicine to treat make typing a challenge for him.

“I cannot keep such mirth to myself,” chortled Hethcliffe. He sent it off in an e to a coworker, his wife, and his girlfriend.

At 8:26 AM, the coworker open the e, clicks through, speed-reads so he can claim to Hethy that he read it, then goes back to viewing Japanese cartoon porn.

His wife, Reginald, works at the Calgary Regional Health Authority. Seems Regi’s father was very unforgiving when he learned the gender of his newborn. Regi still feels awkward in pathyhose.

It took Regi until 8:57 AM to click through her husband’s link (he has no hesitation or awkwardness wearing panty hose). She reads, knowing Hethboy will quiz her tonight at dinner, makes a few notations to remember the content which she will read on the drive home, and goes back to saving patients from the ravages of Vancomycin-resistant Enterococcus.

At 8:59 AM, Hethy’s girlfriend sits in front of her computer hoping for some meaningful e’s from her precious Hethy. Her ISP is Telus Communications, which, to be direct, has been more reliable that Heth lately. “There’s an e!” she breathlessly says to herself. Opening it, hoping for “You eyes are pools running deeply with love” or just something even tangentially romantic, she is yet again crestfallen. “Hey, pookster, this guy cracks me up. Check out this link …” Another lonely morning with the vibrator.

About an hour later, at 10:01 AM, Hethcliffe gets back from a smoke break, and clicks through three pages, laughing uproariously. His coworker ignores the subsequent e’s. His wife is too focused on a real job to even check her e-mail. His girlfriend is focused on switching batteries and calling out another man’s name.

Poor Hethcliffe, just another lonely guy working for the power company in Calgary. Poor, clueless Hethcliffe. Poor, clueless, pathetic Hethcliffe.

they be out there, they be!

Regina, Saskatchewan, must lack nightlife. This dude (?) asks Yahoo! to find naughty talk to help me masterbait. Glad to help with the number one return. Makes me happy that I added Odiago to the site. Give a post a few hours and the audio feed comes back. You can even download the MP3 and take me with you! Let me start you off, ok? Oh baby, you are so, um, yes, that, oh, do that! Yes, mmm, wow. Tell me you’re Jewish! Oh, yes! Was that good for you, too?

I continue to get hits from left hand side dot com for a post I did on being left handed. I like people that link to me, including nice people like cookie bitch and totally unauthorized.

Los Angeles wants to know how to tell a girl masterbaits. Before I backtracked the hit to google, I just knew it was my catholic girls post and pleased that we got number one placement. So how do you tell? It is to laugh. Let’s put it this way: It is much easier to tell a girl that does not masturbate. Now get out a tablet, make two columns, and start observing. It’ll be come clear soon enough.

How the hell do I get number one ranking on spring cooter fest anderson sc? I did one post!

Someone’s getting a spanking tonight! Good old comcast dot net responds to one stop porn shop spokane with our Spokane is for Lovers. I am so glad the internet can answer any need.

Lincroft, NJ, googles "your wife masturbates" and returns number one with catholic girls. The guy even used the quotation marks. Hey! Fuck you, buddy! Mind your own business.

Remember that post on Ron Mueck, sculptor guy? Amazing work. He doesn’t have his own website, and we return third on google from ron mueck official site. I guess his work is too limited to warrant anything but a highly specialized market that is already saturated with demand.

Calcutta, India, wants to know something: can marigold petals give fairness?. We’re third on google with eggs are gonna kill me. Short answer: no. Go away. Flower petals don’t give anything. They die. They shrivel up and die. Generally speaking, you can’t even get high smoking them. They. Give. Nothing.

I sure hope Los Angeles got a better answer to their concern that nothing is coming out of the dryer exhaust than give him a fair trial then hand him. Let me know how it worked out for you! The internet can be such a dangerous place to go for information – go figure!

Now here is something to be proud of (of which to be proud – yeah, yeah, yeah). Using Microsoft Live and searching whose right leg was 3/4" longer than his left leg? scans the billions and billions of web pages and returns our October 2007 Archive … but not just as the number one return. That is common as demonstrated above. No. In fact, hell no! The entirety of the digital knowledge of mankind is scanned, sorted, and presented as … wait for it … as the ONLY hit! I sure hope Pasco, Washington, isn’t too disappointed. May I suggest being a little less specific in your search string?

It’s fun coming up third for "it all falls into place," alice in wonderland. That return is driven by the Alice stuff in the sidebar. The very first version is linked there, besides the two commonly known ones.

I am feeling kind today, so I am leaving unlinked the requests for advice on household products and other more direct inquiries for step-by-step instructions. I think some are honest inquiries by young people. Oh well! Sorry you happened upon me – poor kiddies! I hope you are not scarred. Emotional scars heal so slowly. Here, read some of her diaries. You’ll be a pro by the third chapter. Patience, kids. And stay away from household appliances and foodstuffs. Please. Play safely. Write me! On second thought – don’t write me. That’s creepy. Stay away.

touching coal

I continue to get plenty of masturbation hits. This guy googled, “how to masturbate your wife.” That’s kinda personal, pal. Would you mind rephrasing, “how to masturbate MY wife”? Let’s keep the second-person pronouns to a minimum when we are discussing intimate sexual touching, ok?

A bit of a twist, “my wife is upset that I masturbate.” Then tell her to take over! Simple enough. “Let me show you, honey. You grab it right here, no, not too tight. Now, don’t get upset if I call out your sister’s name …”

Got one very cool hit – “coal cracker recipes.” Lead me on quite the journey. I found this site devoted to coal crackers. Quit funny as well as informative. Quit, um, close to home in some of the observations. The section on Coal Speak was humbling. I am reading through this dictionary and thinking, “Ah, yeah, that IS how it is pronounced.” In sum, I felt more stupid as I went from letter to letter.

Are you a visual learner? Try this introduction:



I grew up not just saying but writing in letters to friends the amalgam, “aposta,” which means “supposed to.” I have an on-going feud with my twin over “crick” and “creek.” I still say “catlick,” and I remember many a “swift kick in the ass.” I had no idea these pronunciations were so local. Ugg.

Did you ever eat … Hot Bologna?

1 ring bologna
1 tbsp. crushed red pepper
1/4 tsp. cayenne pepper
1/4 tsp. salt
1 1/2 cups white vinegar
3/4 cup water
Cut ring of bologna in pieces, about 2 inches long. Place in a glass jar. Add crushed red pepper, cayenne pepper, and salt. Mix white vinegar and water. Pour over bologna. Shake well, place lid on jar and refrigerate. Should be ready in a day or two.

Can you even buy bologna in rings anymore? More recipe links on the bottom of the page of any of the links above.

I read through a few of the message board items. But I can’t relate – they call themselves “coal crackers.” I’m coal trash – big difference.

I learned something of personal interest to me. One of my favorite people passed away a few years ago. I always knew her as “Aunt Frances,” although we were not related and, no, my father was not banging her. It was a term of endearment for a close family friend (well, close to a couple of us). Her people came from down the line in a town I always knew as Avoca. But this is taken from the ”Patches” link – Avoca : off Rte 81, between Wilkes-Barre and Scranton. Site of the Wilkes-Barre / Scranton Airport. Long-time residents of the area around the airport refer it as "Houston City" or "Howston City". The town was once called "Pleasant Valley", but renamed to Avoca after a rail accident killed many people there. Avoca means "vale of tears" (in Irish or Gaelic?)

His links page is pretty good.

Enough looking to the past. Gonna go.

happy halloween!

Forgive the blatant self-promotion, but someone googled elizabeth taylor with tapeworm. I, of course, got the Number One slot.

I just have to link to my post on this one: Liz & Larry Live!.

Hadn’t read it for a while. Kinda humorous.

google that, 10-4, good buddy whatever

I enjoy tracking my hits from time to time. I don’t seek traffic in any manner, and I just started exchanging links (one so far, maybe a second out there). I just write what is on my mind. Sometimes it is a fleeting thought or emotion, other times more considered.

“If you write it, they will come” is not a motivation for me. I just enjoy having my space on the net and playing. It’s like a sandbox for a wifi-equipped deranged child. I do enjoy seeing return readers. I think it is amazing that people would read something I wrote, and then purposefully return. I think it may be rooted in the “train wreck syndrome.” “I just know this guy is going to go to supernova someday. Even though I am sitting here in [insert wherever the hell you are], I just know it will be spectacular when it happens. It will hit the AP wires.” When my book comes out in the 18-24 months it’ll take to finish and pre-pub, you dedicated readers can e me – I’ll send you a personalized and autographed copy. It’ll make for a great flat surface to prop up your bedside lamp to a better height. Your eyes will thank me as they are able to read real writing without all the strain from before.

Anyway, I was checking my hits – not the numbers, but the sources. I read something on another blog about listing the Google Number Ones you have. So I have done that below, along with the top fives.

Number Ones.

I did several posts on a spam call I got. The number came back as 864-223-1911. What troubled me was that the Caller ID read a residence. I reversed it and found a street address and a couple’s name. WTF? I was being solicited to buy Verizon cellular service, and the caller was spoofing their origin! I posted, and got all sorts of hits. I’ve posted a few times now. Go over to Mine Shafts or lower to the Cloud of Coal Dust and check out the posts. Actually, the comments are more interesting and informative than what I wrote.

Seems one of my medical posts got a hit when someone googled, correct spelling for guaiac-negative. “Guaiac” refers to a fetal smear test when they look for occult blood. Tell me it wasn’t a doc checking the net to make sure he spelt it correctly. Please. I figured out “subpoena” and “res ipsa loquitur” because it was part of my job. It just isn’t my problem that the word derives from “Guaiacum,” being a genus of shrubs and trees native to the Americas.

Sometimes I am amazed at the seemingly generic words or phrases that rank me so high. How can I own the Google top spot for unsafe things? Should Ralph Nader or Concerned Citizens for Safer Sex Toys (CoC-Saf-T) be there?

If you look at my posts on “prison girls” you’ll see the mug shots and beauty comps I did. Several of them (or their new concerned mates or coworkers!) google the names frequently. Got this recently: "Abigail Fields", robbery Hey, Abby! Write me!

Top Fives.

I am no longer going to use the designation “Dr. Clyde” in my medical posts. I’m gonna switch (maybe) to “IDr. Clyde.” I am not a real doc – I just play one on the internet! Really! It’s disturbing when people google enlarged left ventricle and read my stuff. If that puppy is bigger than it should be, stop searching the net! Get a real doc! I’m fucking serious!

Sometimes the hits make no sense to me: lewis ling in squirrels. Who is Lewis Ling and what is he doing inside a squirrel and why does someone search the net to confirm or deny his presence in said rodent? Shudder.

Gotta love coming up big on 1969 Woodstock bumper sticker slogan. I am a part of Americana, eh?

Now, why why why do I rank on "nearer thy god to thee" lyrics? My site is rated NC-17. Yes, I am a Christian, but not a very good one, and certainly not a source for old-time lyrics. Makes me glad my dad is dead. I think he would kick my ass if he saw this ranking.

This is a somewhat narrower search, seeking only blogger hits: "Beware of Darkness" Harrison blogspot. My post included some video and the lyrics, so I am content with this ranking. Good hit.

Speaking as a doc, I am concerned when someone googles big piece shit from anus. Did you just wake up from a coma and are re-learning life? You know, the “who are you” to your spouse and kids, and “what’s that box with the little people in it? A TV? What’s that?” and “I think I may be sick. Something just came out of ass!” kind.

This hit is truly disappointing. That 1959 cookbook I reviewed was bad enough, but it seems people still want to know about dressings for jello molds. C’mon, people! You know what jell-o is made from? You don’t “mold” the stuff – you run from it. You don’t put dressing on it, you go through aversion therapy to ensure you don’t relapse next time the urge to even walk down the same grocery aisle comes.

Alright, who wants to know about the dwarfs live inside mt.shasta? I knew they lived somewhere. The clowns are in Sarasota, Florida. Carnival people live here in NEPA. Now we know where the dwarves are. I feel safe.

All for now.

catholic girls

I added a few blogs to my "things i read" list waaaaay down on the right side. Yes, perhaps you noticed, I stated to use labels - called them, "mine shafts." I don't know if I got carried away or there is a more efficient way to do it. The list seems kinda long for the 100 or so posts that I went back to and added labels. (UPDATE: Found this post that guided me through creating a drop-down box. Very cool.)

Anyway, yesterday I was on Peggy Archer's site (here), and took a few journeys from her blogroll.

One site I had not visted before is cookie bitch. This girl is funny. Her latest post opens with, "Pet Peeve ... The lazy fucks who use the motorized cart at the grocery store. I'm not talking about real disabled people - I'm talking about the derelicts who walk perfectly fine into the store, but then choose the motorized cart because the thought of having to stand in aisle 7 deciding between the ding dongs and the twinkies makes them sooooooo tired. These lazy-asses are not just announcing to the world they are pathetic, sedentary losers, they are also denying the use of the cart to people who really need it."

Very socially aware, direct in her opinions, good use of vocabulary. I particularly love the flow from "lazy fucks" to "sedentary losers." The jolt at the beginning arcs into capitulation and guilt by the end. Almost made me feel Catholic.

Another site I added is wrong k miller. I've read it before, but for some reason was amused a bit more yesterday. Seems the guy's e-address is kmiller@gmail.com. Seems there are a lot of Millers out there with the first initial, "K." He writes, "according to the u.s. census, miller is the country’s seventh-most popular surname. the census doesn’t calculate how many of those millers have a first name starting with 'k,' but i think it’s safe to go with 'a lot.' maybe even, 'a shitload.' i should know: i get their email."

His blog is scans of the e's he receives, thoughtfully redacted for personal information. Here's a great one. Must have been something close to those cell phone commercials where the line goes dead at the wrong time. Poor girl.

Who'da tunk dat the old way of brushing people off - giving them the wrong telephone number - would be replaced by giving someone the wrong e-address. Progress. Well, she seems nice. But think about it for a minute. They break up ugly two years ago. They met last night. Then she is all, "I never stopped loving you." Signs it "xoxo." I love the "Or dinner ... or coffee ..." What, dear, "... or me"? Good lord, girl, put your panties back on. Have some self-respect. I gotta know - was the surgery on his face?

So a guy in Porum, Oklahoma, googles, "why my wife masterbaits." I come up #5. He clicks through. Glad to be of help.

Seems that Porum, OK, has about 750 people (2% of which are registered sex offenders), the most common male occupation is truck driver, and the most common female is occupation is nurse. They are poor in Porum.

Comparing Porum to all of Oklahoma, this about sums it up:

• Median household income below state average.
• Median house value significantly below state average.
• Black race population percentage significantly below state average.
• Hispanic race population percentage significantly below state average.
• Foreign-born population percentage significantly below state average.
• House age above state average.
• Number of college students significantly below state average.
• Percentage of population with a bachelor's degree or higher significantly below state average.

With all of that said, let's see if we can understand why your wife, as you put it, "masterbaits."

Drum roll, please ... The Top Ten reasons your wife, "masterbaits,"

Number 10. Because when you write her love notes, your handwriting and spelling makes her think she married a perpetual 12 year old. (Hint, Porum Dude, it is masturbate. "Why does my wife masturbate?")

Number 9. Your wife masturbates because she's tired of looking at all those D-size batteries just sitting around not being used.

Number 8. Because that man on the "Gunsmoke" reruns is so darn good looking.

Number 7. Your wife masturbates because, well, you see that bull out there in the field? Oh my, he's so BIG. I mean, can you see him? He has to be two feet loooo--- ohhhhh! oohhhhhh!

Number 6. Because having sex in silence is such a turn-on, as opposed to listening to you talk about the brake linings on your truck wearing down again.

The Number 5 reason your wife masturbates is because the dog died and couldn't please her any longer.

Number 4. Having sex with you once a month, about the same frequency you bathe, just doesn't do a country girl right.

Number 3. Your wife masturbates because she took one of your Viagra, got a female hard-on, and LIKED IT. A LOT.

Number 2. Because everytime she closes her eyes, she pictures herself showering with your sister-in-law.

And the Number 1 reason your wife masturbates is because she lives in Porum, Oklahoma, and is married to you!

OK, enough for now.

stage diving into frog execrement

For those of you keeping score, I come up BIG – Number 8 out of 1.02 million – when you google “jock panties.” I have written so many words that I am not disturbed at the ranking. Turns out my position is from the crack I made about “lunatics with bunched panties and jock itch” running for president. What does disturb me is someone sitting in Melrose Park, Illinois, USA, at 11:20 PM, and searching the net for such a thing. Melrose Park claims to be a “village,” and it sits just west of Chicago. Every village has its idiot, I guess. Look at the mayor on their website, Ronald Serpico. Looks like the panty type, eh? Bushy eyebrows, head like a thumb. Probably looks nice in pink or a very light shade of purple. Not that much different from J. Edgar Hoover in his dress. Sorry, Ron, no offense meant. I am sure your butt is way nicer than J. Edgar’s. Brrrrr, eh? That boy just didn’t exercise enough. Nasty rice pudding thighs leading up to rotten-grapefruits-in-a-plastic-bag cheeks. Packing all of that into queen-size tummy-tucker pantyho-- I’m gonna throw up. brb.

Let’s see what other sick f*cks we have out there scraping through the bowels of the internet … ah, here we go. Google Number 6 of 47,100 for some puke that searched “pictures frog excrement.” Um, WTF? Was it a scientific inquiry? Maybe since the sun was set in Jacksonville, Florida, USA, at 11:12 PM it was just not possible to walk around and find some. But one would think a flashlight and a little diligence would yield an abundance of specimens. Although, why go looking when you can surf the net and find high quality pics from other vermin such as you. You know, pal, when you google something, hit the “images” top left and you will get your pics. Your way just yields narrative. You wanted narrative? You wanted to read about people and frogs and excrement and … just go away. Now. Dry heaves. brb.

One search made me sad. Ask.com was queried, “what is the meaning of three crosses on the side of interstate 81?”. I came up on the second page. The searcher routed through LA, but Route 81 is a local interstate that ends in the south, nowhere near SoCal. I hope he found the link to the Bible on the right. How can someone be, presumably, old enough to drive and not know the story of Christ in even the most fundamental of ways? I may be a real dick sometimes, an incredible sinner, but I know where my salvation lies. I know where I push the limit and where I cross the line. At least the guy is searching for answers. I hope he finds them. God has a funny way of reaching back when you reach for Him.

Reminds me of when I was 15 or so. I wanted to read the Bible. I was living in a home with other people, but was truly alone. I figured you started to read it like any other book – so I opened to page one. A few days into reading, I got mail. I never got mail. This letter was mass-printed, but addressed to me. It read, “We understand you are just beginning to read the Bible. Might we suggest you start with the Gospels.” I hadn’t told a soul, and did my reading alone at night.

Yeah, reach out to God, and He reaches back. Remarkable.

I took my daughter to see Blindside at the Knitting Factory in NYC a week ago. In the video below, you may be able to see the back of my head. We were at the stage, right side, directly in front of the bassist. Nuf said. Hurts to watch this. Back left side of my side begins to twitch.



See the clown on stage? Christian, the lead singer, pushed him off. Kinda funny. I think it was the same guy another time that got back on stage and didn’t survey the crowd very well. He “stage dove” to our side. Everyone just moved out of his way. Thump! Smile.

You can view nine videos if you like. Have fun.

Although, to be honest, we met the band afterward. Genuinely nice guys.

Alright, enough procrastination. Gotta focus.

opening, then how they find me

Would you eat me? Check out "How it Works" on left side.

I must be delirious. I am listening to an album that I find incredible personal and sad (Johnny Cash, American V), and then I go to this site and laugh my ass off. Keep clicking the can, then wait.

I decided to check out my google ranking. Interesting plcements.

I get a lot of hits based upon some clown that has scammed the Caller ID system and shows a number of 864-223-1911 (put the number in the search box up top at search the blog – the first story has links to everything). On this search, I have the coveted Number One spot on google.

Then the dark underside emerges. I own the second placement in Google for How can women masterbait? I know, typo, old joke. Search it above.

Another google Number Uno: how to properly masterbait

Think first or second is good? Got that beat! Across the entire Internet, this search yields ONLY my blog; we be the alpha and omega: girl masterbaits with broom.

Change genders and I drop to fifth: way for a guy to masterbait

Remove gender reference and lower the age, and I float back to the top: kids masterbaiting

Reintroduce gender and add some scenery – still at the top: how many women masterbait in the shower

Keep gender, add DNA and ESL, drop to second place: my sister me caught masterbaiting

OK, enough of the yankers. Remember my daughter got tossed out of her school? I wrote a piece about it. Just happened again. Such a sweet kid. The problem is me, it is just that the administrators completely lack the testicular fortitude to say they only want people they can control. How interesting Heaven is gong to be! Anyway, I get the Alpha and Omega Award again. This time: "malicious interference with education".

Top spot again for keep getting a busy signal when i call a celluar one. Oh yeah, pal, we can fix that. You buy the extended warranty? No? Bummer. It’s gonna cost you …

Sorry, can’t help myself. Number One: masterbaiting contest winner. Who googles this stuff?

Last for now, fourth place for gravestone engravings + fishing rod and reel. Um, dunno.