cigar discussions ...

UPDATE - ONE WEEK HENCE. As you read below, Obama has just said in an interview "I think that the surge has succeeded in ways that nobody anticipated." ... "I’ve already said it’s succeeded beyond our wildest dreams." The last part is a fucking lie - but the first part was told to him below. Listen to him - he always says - "I've been saying for months" or "I've always said" I really detest liars.

Obama and McCain meet in a leather-walled room, each with a cigar, in an undisclosed home in a faraway place …

McCain: I watched your speech last night.
Obama: I saw your announcement of Palin today.
McCain: Wasn’t bad.
Obama: You picked a girl!
McCain: Your mother’s a girl!
Obama: Good point.
McCain: That bit about reducing taxes on 95% of the middle class was nice,
Obama: Thanks.
McCain: It was complete bullshit, of course.
Obama: I know that.
McCain: But it works. 95% is a high number.
Obama: People will think it means just about all of them.
McCain: Yeah, but you can’t pull it off. W has already reduced taxes too much to leave any dent worth making.
Obama: I know, but they don’t. Listen, if they could do math …
McCain: Which they can’t thanks to your teacher’s unions
Obama: I know. But if they could, they’ll figure it just meant everyone of their friends but the ones they despise anyway.
McCain: Yeah, I caught that.
Obama: So this chick you picked ….
McCain: Good one, eh?
Obama: Yeah, very good. Husband’s union. She fishes. I hate fishing.
McCain: I know. Op research told me.
Obama: Did you do that just to piss me off?
McCain: Sorta.
Obama: You are a dick.
McCain: I can be.
Obama: And a lifelong member of the NRA? Biden has his hands full.
McCain: Speaking of dick, eh?
Obama: Good one.
McCain: Thanks.
Obama: So tell me what you thought of my speech.
McCain: Honest?
Obama: Yeah, please.
McCain: Alright. I think you drank the liberal Kool-Aid.
Obama: But I have to!
McCain: I know. I am not tagging you. I know you had to. But c’mon – off foreign oil in ten years? WTF, Barack?
Obama: John, babe, you know that doofus, that guy, big investor, fuck, what’s his name?
McCain: Buffet?
Obama: Yeah. I always think of that drunken clown in Hawaiian shirts when I’m with him. Hard not to laugh.
McCain: Got that right.
Obama: Anyway. He’s invested big time in wind. He’s slipping my a ton of 527 bucks. I gotta push his agenda. I owe him.
McCain: I know. I feel the same way about the evangelicals. Man, they fucking give a dollar and want a mile.
Obama: If we had a conscious between us, we’d turn away.
McCain: Enough said.
Obama: So anyway, this dude says ten years, so I says ten years. I could give a fuck. Money’s money.
McCain: Sad state of affairs, but I know what you mean.
Obama: Did you hear Pelosi talking about natural gas like it was a replacement for fossil fuels?
McCain: That girl is 4 foot 11 of clueless.
Obama: She’s angry.
McCain: I know. Ask her about Mexico City in 1984 and mention “Juan Titties” sometime.
Obama: Really?
McCain: Oh, Barack, I’m telling you. I never saw a funnier thing in my life. That girl can party, but when she lets loose, it gets ugly. I was all friggin’ NVA watching her.
Obama: NVA?
McCain: Old reference. Nothing.
Obama: So c’mon, you’re holding back. Tell me about the speech. What did you think?
McCain: You can read, I’ll give you that. I want your sorry ass in a town hall.
Obama: Ain’t happening.
McCain: I know. It’s ok. You ain’t getting your cage match either.
Obama: What if I throw Pelosi under the bus for you?
McCain: Would you?
Obama: Would you?
McCain: Throw in Biden.
Obama: Can’t do that, John. That boy’s gotta scrap for me.
McCain: He’ll be fighting a girl.
Obama: Yeah, fuck you very much for that.
McCain: Some people say I’m fighting a girl, too.
Obama: You truly are a dick.
McCain: I like you, Barry.
Obama: I’m fond of you, too, John. Michelle isn’t too crazy about you, though.
McCain: That’s ok. My wife thinks your wife is just a ghetto whore.
Obama: Half right.
McCain: Anyway, your speech. Towards the end you got kinda preachy. You need to watch that. Turns off white people.
Obama: Thanks. I’ll watch that.
McCain: I’m gonna use it in an ad with your buddy Wright.
Obama: I got it coming. It’s ok.
McCain: That Wright is like a piece of work.
Obama: You should see him off camera.
McCain: Got any audio?
Obama: Funny.
McCain: I noticed that you didn’t mention the surge. You know, I think you could have given credit where it was due, and made some points.
Obama: I know. I thought about that. I had it in a draft, but canned it because my advisors said no.
McCain: Your advisors? Barry, babe, c’mon. Advisors are cling-ons. You aren’t supposed to actually listen to those clowns.
Obama: Really?
McCain: Oh boy. Listen. You got yourself here. Not them. They talk good, but that’s all they do. You really would have scored with crediting the surge. You admit a mistake, you give credit to an opponent. The press eat that shit up.
Obama: OK. I’ll do it sometime soon. Thanks.
McCain: Welcome.
Obama: So tell me about this white chick you picked.
McCain: That girl pumped out five kids.
Obama: She like it.
McCain: Got that right.
Obama: But she’s got no experience. I mean a couple of years, but nothing.
McCain: I can’t believe you just said that.
Obama: [Laughing] Yeah, but I’m black.
McCain: Half. And she’s married to a fucking Eskimo!
Obama: I spit out my coffee when I heard that! Great move, Johnny Mac.
McCain: Yeah. It’s like a gift. You know, that Karl Rove can analyze demographics like nothing I’ve ever seen. Just a talent.
Obama: I hate him.
McCain: You should hear him talk about you.
Obama: I bet.
McCain: You’d lose.
Obama: OK, enough of that. So where do we go from here?
McCain: I’ve got my convention next week. You know that Messiah thing they credit you with?
Obama: Yeah …
McCain: I’m gonna crucify you.
Obama: Can’t wait.
McCain: My theme is gonna be your lack of experience.
Obama: That’s accurate.
McCain: Then I am going to have all these carnival freaks …
Obama: Republicans?
McCain: Yeah. All these freaks up there touting my decades in the Senate. The focus will be the legislation I sponsored through the years.
Obama: Ouch!
McCain: Yeah, I know. In your face, Dalibama.
Obama: That’s my favorite, actually – Dalibama.
McCain: Yeah, mine, too.
Obama: OK, so your VP, the convention, then what?
McCain: Guns at 20 paces for a few weeks, then we debate.
Obama: Sounds like fun.
McCain: Got any new ads coming out?
Obama: Just reactionary shit. Gonna toss Ayers under the bus soon enough.
McCain: “Not the Bill Ayers I knew”?
Obama: Yeah. I love that line.
McCain: It worked well. The first five times.
Obama: Good point. Any suggestions?
McCain: “Bill Ayers. What a fucking liar!”
Obama: That works. Let me think about it.
McCain: You do that. You make me laugh, Barack.
Obama: Same here.
McCain: Another scotch?
Obama: Please.

The night continued for a few hours. They agreed to meet again soon.