Tuesday, November 18, 2008

unions gave $610M to dems: you'd think they'd get more support

I’m trying to find some money for the poor auto companies. I know they’ve been buggered by the unions for decades. Not completely the companies’ fault – extortion is still extortion whether it’s at the point of a knife or printed on paper with the title “Union Contract.” So let’s see if the unions can help this time, instead of their constant drain.

The first place I looked is in political donations. Open Secrets provides this data for 1989 through 2008, being the top 20 organizations measured by total donations. I’ve deleted the non-union entries.



Total Donated




American Fedn of State, County & Municipal Employees





Intl Brotherhood of Electrical Workers





National Education Assn





Laborers Union





Service Employees International Union





Carpenters & Joiners Union





Teamsters Union





Communications Workers of America





American Federation of Teachers





United Auto Workers





Machinists & Aerospace Workers Union





United Food & Commercial Workers Union




Let’s see, that $325.6 million. “What!” screams the union bitch, “you can’t do that! Those donations are from a bunch of years and different unions!”

Yes, I reply, actually I can. You see all those numbers reading “90%” and higher? That’s the percent that you gave to the dems. No, I don’t understand the line that has 90% and 14%, either – not my source data. But on point, you see, over the past 3 POTUS cycles, you gave over $300 million to dem – and not even 10% of your total donations to the pubs. So it’s time to kiss ass, son.

OK. That’s $325 million. Where now? PACs, yes, PACs – that’s a good place. I’m going to do you a favor. I’m just going to take the money you donated to dems in this area. Yeah, you’re right – you didn’t give much to pubs! Quiet – I’m saving you money. Sucks being you.

Where was I? Here’s the “labor” PACs contributions to dems for 2008: $48,281,589

Here’s the “labor” PACs contributions to dems for 2006: $51,383,455

Here’s the “labor” PACs contributions to dems for 2004: $46,420,851

Here’s the “labor” PACs contributions to dems for 2002: $49,310,198

Here’s the “labor” PACs contributions to dems for 2000: $48,048,586

Here’s the “labor” PACs contributions to dems for 1998: $41,093,782

OK, that’s a total in PAC money to dems of $284.5 million. So far we’ve saved you $610.1 million. I’m excited – are you, Mr. Union Bitch? Now, now, temper, temper! You need the pub votes in the Senate, remember?

Look, you may have the girls fooled – like the junior senator from Pennsylvania, Bobby Casey, Jr., who so helpfully said: "We can't afford to lose thousands of jobs. What is a recession could become a depression if these companies fail in the next couple of months." Yes, OK, Bobby. You can go back to your big office now. Thank you for the lesson in macroeconomics. First, I haven’t seen a contraction of GDP for a couple of consecutive quarters. Now, while you’re in your office, look up “Great Depression.” What? G-r-e-a-t. Yes, just one “t.” You’ll learn that that was a recession, Bobby. There isn’t such a thing as a “depression” unless you’re on meds. No, not time for your meds yet, son. Read up on double-dip recessions, son. Yes! Funny! It does sound like a dessert! Also read up on numbers – we are talking millions of jobs, Bobby. Thousands get laid off all the time. If we lost MILLIONS of jobs, then that could be bad. Bu-bye!

Where were we? Oh yes, we saved you over half a billion dollars. Now let’s drift back in time just a few months. You guys got $25 billion in loans for hybrid-car development. That’s a bu-bu-B, union bitch. Billion. I know you haven’t used it all – practically none of it, I am sure. So let’s presume that some amount is still available. We’ll decide how much in a few minutes. OK? Thanks.

I want to introduce you to a term know as “Market Capitalization.” Befitting your, say we say, moral stature, I am going to refer you to that glory hole of encyclopedic knowledge, Wikipedia. Have at it. Come back when you are done.

Seems pretty simple, doesn’t it? Shares outstanding times market price. Yeah, your sphincter it tightening, eh? Must suck being on the receiving end of anal after all these years of, um, being on top.

Let’s do some calculations:

Today’s market cap of GM is $1.89 billion.

Today’s market cap of Ford is $3.89 billion.

As for Chrysler, I don’t know what their market cap is – about 20% seems to be owned here and 80% over here. So let’s be fun and make up a number! Let’s say, um, the average of GM and Ford: $2.89 billion.

Let’s add them all up: $8.67 billion.

Here’s what I’m going to do. I’m going to use $8 billion of the loan we had out there for you. I’m going to take the $610.1 million you gave to the wrong people over the last 10 years – and I am going to BUY all three companies at their present market capitalizations.

Then I am going to have the biggest yard sale you have ever seen.

If I am feeling gracious, I might give my new buildings to Toyota, VW, and a few other foreign companies – they seem to know how to run a car company.

The unemployment line is over there, union bitch.

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