Sunday, October 21, 2012

Chef Ramsay visits the Neanderthals

Circa 400,000 BC, Middle Europe.

Ramsay:  "Oh my fucking lord, what are you doing to that dog?!?"
Thor:  "Ugg."  {Munch}{Much}{Munch}
Ramsay:  "Put it down, Thor.  Put. It. Down."

Thor drops the dog, three legs still intact.  It yelps and hobbles out of the cave.

Ramsay:  "You have no bloody concept of cuisine.  All of you!  Just a fucking disgrace.  Get over here.  I want to talk to you as a group."

Thor, Tung, Wang, and Sam, all dressed in deer hides, gather in a semi-circle in front of Chef Ramsay, who wears a sparkling white chef's coat.  

"Look at you!  You're a fucking mess!  Nobody's going to eat the shit you put out looking like that no matter how good it is!  Here."  Chef Ramsay passes out chef's coats.  "Get the fuck over there and put on these on."  

The Neanderthals shuffle to a corner of the cave.  Ramsay turns to the camera.  "This is a bloody fucking nightmare," he intones barely above a whisker.  Thor's hairy ass is seen over his shoulder as he struggles to figure out the coat.  "These Neanderthals haven't even learned to cook their food yet, let alone pan-sear a tenderloin in shallots and butter.  I've got quite the challenge in front of me."  The Neanderthals shuffle back to Ramsay.  He turns from the camera.

"Oh fuck!" Ramsay yells.  "Oh my fucking lord," he mutters.  Thor's feet stick out of the arms of the coat, which drags beneath him.  He's naked from the knees up.  "Thor, you fucking idiot!"  Ramsay looks at the others.  Wang has the coat on his head.  Tung tied it around her waist.  Only Sam figured out how to put it on.

"Look!  Look at Sam!  See that!  Now do it!"

Sam breaks into a smile exposing his rotten teeth.  Dog hair is seen stuck between his incisors.

After a few minutes, Ramsay lifts his head out of his hands.  "Fine.  Good.  About fucking time!"

"Now, we're going to simplify the menu, got it?  No more dog."

A collective "Ugg" arises.

"We're going to focus on deer.  Venison."

All four Neanderthals point at a drawing on the wall.  Ramsay follows their hands.  "I know.  I bloody well know they're hard to catch.  That's why they taste so good!"

"Ugg," the Neanderthals grunt nodding their heads in understanding.

"Now, Sam, you're the head chef."

Sam beams again.  Wang pushes him against the wall with a loud grunt.  Thor joins by hitting Sam with a club.

Ramsay tries to ignore the rivalry he anticipated.  "Thor, you have an important job."

Thor stops his club mid-swing and looks over his shoulder at Ramsay.  Sam peaks through his hands raised in self defense.

"You're the head waiter.  No one gets to sit in this bloody restaurant unless you let them!"

Thor drops his club.  "Ugg," he mutters as he brushes off his coat.

"Wang and Tung, we're going to start out with you two as the patrons."

Both look at Ramsay quizzically.  "You're going to eat," Ramsay says as he gestures with his hands as if putting food in his mouth.

"Ugg," both say nodding in approval.

"So step outside for a moment, then come back in.  Thor will seat you."

Chef Ramsay directs Sam to the fire.  "Thor go stand by the entrance to the cave until I tell you they can come in."  Thor bends over.  "No club!  Leave that bloody thing on the ground!"  Grunting, Thor moves to the entrance.

"OK, Sam, we're going to do a simple reduction, then pan-sear this venison, and then finish it off in the reduction.  Got it?  While your doing that, I'll figure out just what the fuck I can do with this mess of root vegetables you clowns have gathered."

Sam walks further into the cave, returning several minutes later with a bottle of 400,012 BC Chateau La Grotte port and two venison steaks.  Ramsay has turnips, small red potatoes, and an unidentified yellow root ready to be sauteed.

"Alright, good.  Now here's what I want you to do.  You take the --"  Ramsay begins to explain the cooking process when a ruckus behind him stops him mid-sentence.  He turns towards the entrance.  Thor is pushing away Wang.

"Thor!  Thor!  What the fuck are you doing?  Let them in.  Take them to their table!"

Thor steps to his right.  Ramsay sees the podium and reservations book.  "Ugg," Thor shouts pointing at the book.

"It's the bloody fucking 'X,' Thor!  They can't write you fucking moron!  And you can't fucking read!  Take them to their table!"  Ramsay returns his attention to Sam.  Thor is seen pulling out a chair for Tung, then handing Wang a wine list.  "Ugg," Tung adds, pointing to the third "X" in the list.  Thor walks further into the cave.

Ramsay turns to the camera.  "This isn't getting any easier.  Cooking on an open fire can always be tricky.  I've got no fucking clue what half the so-called root vegetables are that they gathered.  I just hope that one unidentifiable yellow thing that I've included for color and texture isn't poisonous.  I've got no intention of eating it myself to find out, however."  In the background, Sam is plating the meals while Wang and Tung are seen laughing and sipping their wine.  Thor stands close-by with a white napkin folded on his arm.  Ramsey catches his attention and points at the food ready to be served.

Several minutes later, Wang and Tung are wiping their mouths with pristine-white napkins.  Thor and Sam are beaming broadly.  Wang farts loudly, reverberating through the cave.  Thor opens his mouth to laugh.  Ramsay's cold stare stifles it.

"Alright, folks.  Good, good," Ramsay says clapping his hands.  "It's a good start.  Tomorrow, Wang and Tung are going to run the restaurant.  Thor and Sam will be dining.  You got it?"

Ramsay turns to the camera.  "I'm watching Wang and Tung closely to make sure those yellow roots are OK.  I'll take them all out tomorrow pheasant hunting, and plan for a wonderful meal of ... oh, bloody hell!  Glass may be hard to come by in these parts.  Well, we'll figure it out."

"Alright," Ramsay turns and says loudly to get everyone's attention, "we're going to clean this fucking kitchen so it's spotless!  Got it?  I wouldn't feed my fucking dog with stuff prepared in here!"

The camera fades as the four Neanderthals are seen happily scrubbing surfaces, dancing in collective rhythm to The Beatles singing "Twist and Shout."  Ramsay is seen turning the corner and leaving view outside the cave.

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