Saturday, May 1, 2004

Iran & Flying Saucers

... and these people think we should "fear" them? Iran sees some UFOs and everyone issues official comments. This is like dealing with cartoon people.

"Flying saucer fever has gripped Iran after dozens of sightings in the last few days. Newspapers and agencies reported people rushing out into the streets in eight towns on Tuesday night to watch a bright extraterrestrial light dipping in and out of the clouds."

Cats and dogs living together!! Lions and tigers and bears, oh my!! But OK, anyone can see anything, or convince themselves that they see something. Let's read on.

"But Sa'dollah Nasiri-Qeydari, head of the Astronomical Society of Iran, told Reuters the stories were unfounded. 'In my opinion, flying saucers do not exist,' he said, insisting his telescopes would have picked up invaders from outer space. 'The people who have seen these things are not experts - farmers, villagers and pilots,' he added. He said what people reported was consistent with the planet Venus, whose intense light in its current position would be given different hues by being filtered through the atmosphere."

Note the premise of his comments - flying saucers would be "invaders from outer space." And the American Dems think that Pubs have a fixation on good and evil? Sounds like Austin Powers movies are broadcast in Iran as documentaries.

But you gotta love the arrogance in this bit - I am an Iranian, I have the best technology in all the world. See this cylinder? It has specially made glass on either end. Makes things look BIG. I mean, really BIG. No kidding, stand over there and I look at you through this. Wow, you are BIG! Here, let me show you. Don't touch it, just look through it. See me over here? Do I look big to you? It is called a tel-e-scop-e. Yes, like a tel-e-phon-e. But it scop-es things, it doesn't phon-e them. Now, this makes things so big (the technical term is "scop-e-ing") that it "would have picked up invaders from outer space."

Now I know that is confusing. But when an expert like me says "picked up" I don't mean to lift like we do our dresses in the outhouse. I mean it would "see" it. This cylinder with the special glass on either end, this tel-e-scop-e, sees everything everywhere. All I have to do is look through it. It is impossible, praise Allah, for anything from any direction to get to Blessed Iran without me seeing it.

So, what was it that those stupid peasants saw? A planet. Venus. Yes, it does look like a very bright star. No, it doesn't move in and out of clouds. Ah, you see, the atmosphere is different over Blessed Iran than over anywhere else on the planet. The atmosphere here alternates in its light diffusion properties. This is very complicated. Fisherpeople can't understand it. But I can, and now you will, too. You see, all light comes to Earth in every color of Allah. But every color disperses at the atmosphere except blue. That is why we have a blue sky. The reason is that Allah's eyes are blue, you see. So at night, the colors reaching us refract differently, but only over Iran. So you will see streams of color shooting from the planet Venus. Beams will dart out in all directions.

Trust me, my intellectual dwarf. I know these things. Wanna a piece of gum? It's American.

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