Lunatics with bunched panties and jock itch line up to become president, then sweat for 2,000 years

I never watch television news anymore – gave up on the legacy networks 15 or more years ago, and now the cable guys. It is on now because my son is ramping into the political opinion world.

North Korea and the Little Lunatic are talking about launching a missile that “could reach most of the United States.” A map comes up with stars on LA, Kansas City, NYC. We could use our “limited” missile shield, but a “former assistant secretary of defense under the Clinton administration thinks that would be a bad idea.” The doofus shares that two reasons suggest not to use it – “it might not work” and something else like “they’d have proven their point that it worked.”

Who are these morons? Might not work? Wouldn’t you love that, ex-Clinton kneepad wearer? Don't use something because it might not work as designed? Do you walk to work in case the car won't start? If the Little Lunatic launches, he’ll be lucky to point it in the right direction, let alone achieve anything resembling a flight path to anywhere. Kansas City? I will immolate with diesel fuel if he gets within a thousand miles of anything this side of Guam.

Nothing satisfies these news whores. They got their panties in a bunch over W accessing financial records and screening for transactions that suggest terror funding; and if an attack happened and it could have been found through such a screen but none was being done, then they’d be screaming why it wasn’t happening.

The Florida 7?!? A bunch of amateurs talking about being criminals. They’ve got experts all over the screen talking about the structure of home-grown terrorists. The FBI infiltrated and … oh, wait! This is great. This was a group of “rank amateurs” that were not capable of achieving “their desired ends.” The problem is that “this is precisely the type of groups that fly under the RADAR of our current terrorist tracking priorities.”

Hunh?!? First, it can’t be so far under the RADAR that we didn’t detect it, as we apparently did. Whew! Do we look stupid? Next, if they are sitting around talking but utterly incapable of achieving anything, then why do we care? Aren’t we infringing on the civil rights of weird people? Are they suggesting we conduct more surveillance? And then if we did more, then … the panties would bunch once more.

I’m taking bets that Katie Couric spends Labor Day 2007 watching the CBS Evening News from our side of the screen. Your money isn’t good here. I want something better. She’ll gain no less than 30 pounds thereafter and before the following St. Patrick’s Day.

Norman Mineta, Secretary of Transportation, 12th in the Presidential Succession Line (would be 14th except that two above him are not natural-born citizens), has resigned, effective July 7, 2006. Doesn’t affect me in even the most remote of senses. Onward.

What does affect me is that rain may be both here and NYC for a few days AND the Yankees have a weekend home stand. Games postponed? Two or three days without baseball? Time for diesel fuel and a spark maker thingey.

Global warming. We are warmer than we have been in over 400, no wait, 2,000 years! Why the correction? Well, it seems that records suck over 400 years ago. But the data suggest 2,000 years! But wait! You mean that we were just as warm when Jesus was here? Was a part of His lost ministry to tell us to park all of our cars and stop using aerosol armpit spray? And, hey, while you’re at it, switch from BC to AD. Al Gore always makes my stomach wanna project its contents outward.

Phil Spector isn’t worth a link. His murder trial starts in January. Poor guy. He will be the first celebrity found guilty of anything besides drug possession in SoCal since that little fat kid on the Little Rascals. Spector was always stupid. Then he puts a gun into some woman’s mouth. From friend of John Lennon to wife of Bubba. Bet number two: he puts a gun in his own mouth before his trial starts.

Have you seen the Ford commercial with the guy singing? I disliked it greatly, and then I was told that he won the singing contest thing where the contestants have to sleep with Paula Abdul as a part of the can-you-do-this-without-laughing-or-vomiting section. Poor guy; almost feel sorry for him. May send him a bumper sticker – I slept with Paula and all I got was a Ford commercial.

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I’m not feeling well. I’m so bored I am watching a repeat of the ChiSox and Cards – teams way out of my division and interest. Except for Thome. Used to play for the Phillies. He stopped grabbing his crotch after every pitch. Chicago use different detergent on their jock straps? More formerly known as tinea cruris, perhaps Thome used one of these eight drugs for his um, itch.

I gotta go, but my friend can stick around.