Thursday, October 5, 2006

Union members like to touch themselves

Oh, god love ‘em! Those Iranians dufuses (dufi?) are so funny. They got this putative leader that they refer to as the “supreme leader.” I think he’s the top priest or what Mohammad (PBUH) people call their guys in hats. (I don’t know how to spell that. You say, “Mohammad,” I say, “Mohamed,” let’s call the whole thing off!)

Well, praise be to Mo (PBUH), the Supreme Leader’s got a website! Look at the right side, “Newly Asked Questions.” I think W might consider something like this. Let’s look inside!

I can’t link to individual questions, so I’ll repeat as much language as necessary.

Under Marriage & Divorce:

A Wife’s right to Sexual Intercourse with Her Husband. Q: I got married 10 days ago. I do everything to make my husband happy and he loves me but he neglects to have sex with me for a long time, say two years or even more. For this reason I have not any baby and people blame me for this but I cannot tell them the truth. My husband refuses to seek a medical advice for this problem. Is he allowed to do so, i.e. not to have sexual relationship with me? Knowing that I fulfill all my domestic responsibilities and even appear beautiful in front of him and encourage him but it comes to nothing. Please, what can I do? A: It is the wife’s right to have sexual intercourse with her husband at least once every four months. Thus, if the husband refuses to provide her with this right, she is allowed to file a complaint in a shar‘ī court of law to bind the husband to provide his wife’s right.

It’s those funny Iranian math calcs again (see Japan deal post a couple three days ago)! Got married “10 days ago” but the dude won’t bang me for like, “two years.” I just don’t understand new math. Anyway, here’s your first clue, lady – you’ve had no sex for two years and you married him anyway just ten goes ago? Can you spell g-a-y?

So, the guy’s got a “medical problem.” Maybe the next question should be whether the Grand Pu-bah will allow the little blue pill (if erections last longer than four hours, seek medical advice immediately as this may be indicative of a serious medical condition. As an immediate precaution, wrap that rascal in duct tape in case it goes off like a Roman Candle.)

I find the answer just amazing. Dear Frustrated, you’ve got a right to do the doggy thang no less than three times a year. If’n that boy won’t oblige, then WE’LL make him. No worries. You file a complaint in court and he’ll be spanking bo-bo in preparation for you in no time.

But you know how long it takes to resolve a court case? This girl needs a ride now! Let’s see if another question may help us …

OK. It’s under “Fasting” and seems to apply to guys, but maybe it’ll work for her.

To Masturbate While Fasting. Q: If somebody masturbates during the month of Ramadan but without any discharge, is his fasting invalidated? A: if he do not intend masturbation and discharging semen and nothing is discharged, his fasting is correct even though he has done a ḥarām act. But, if he intends masturbation or he knows that he usually discharges semen by this process and semen really comes out, it is a ḥarām intentional breaking fasting.

It seems, from a plain reading of the text, that yanking on bo-bo is not a problem as long as you don’t chuck the yogurt during Ramadan. So, I feel confident in telling our girl to ride the wave. It won’t give her a kid, but should make the wait a little more tolerable.

OK, whew! I feel better. Let’s see what else the guy in the moosehead hat has to share.

Under Purity Versus Najasah, is a question about crushing the body of a dead cat with care tires. Something about water or no water. Seems it’s important that the cat was already dead as opposed to wasting fluffy on an I’m-gonna-catch-that-rat-street-crossing adventure. These people are weird. You people think I’m gonna worry about roadkill? Unless you religion surfaced post-Henry Ford, I doubt there is any discussion in your book concerning vulcanized rubber and cat remnants.

Alright, I’m bored with these clowns.

Speaking of clowns, the junkyard-dog dems are back at it. No links; won’t dignify the comments. Three-thumbs Dean says this Foley-page thing is a “firestorm.” Nancy “somebody-wipe-my-butt-I-can’t-reach-it” Pelosi says the pubs are “imploding.” It is amazing that these people get their talking points and repeat them as regular as Pavlov’s dogs drooled. Isn’t it embarrassing to be so predictable? Mommy, when I grow up I want to be a puppet! OK, one link to clarify what the hell I am talking about in the event you could not care less.

Speaking of puppets, I’m kinda bored, so I googled “unions suck” and read a little. Funny. Then I remember a big construction project across the road from a place I used to teach. The project was 70-some restaurants and shops. The project didn’t hire some union, so the idiots erected – day after day – some blow up group of rats with the label “Rat City.” It was the same bunch of losers standing in front for months. Pathetic socialists not men enough to join organized crime.

See these? I wrote the descriptions. Quick impressions became words. The art is my best buddy’s work. You should buy one. I’ll get her to autograph a baseball for you, and will include it for free.

Here is the permanent repository for SCOTUS argument transcripts. You can get all of their opinions through a button on top of the page.

Abbey Road Studios – Studio 2 is available for booking. It’s the one The Beatles always used. Those pics you see can be viewed larger; just click on them. You can also view the equipment and microphones. They have a Summit Dual Compressor/Limiter DCL-200 Dynamic Processor, whatever the hell that is. I don’t understand any of it, but the lists look impressive. I’d rent the place just to have a picnic lunch on the floor and tape some primal-scream stuff. Number 9, number 9, number 9.

Something free. Fill out this survey before the end of January 2007, and receive a free Glenfiddich hip flash. Kinda cool.

See ya …………

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