Tuesday, October 31, 2006

UnStar Technology

Get your next vehicle equipped with the unique “UnStar Technology.” You will be one button away from help in the event of an emergency.

These are actual fake calls received from fictitious people that have the unique UnStar Technology installed on their vehicles:

UnStar: “Hello, UnStar. How may I help you?”
Customer: “They got me! Help!”
UnStar: “Who has you, ma’am?”
Customer: “The aliens! They have my car! It’s being sucked into their spaceship!”
UnStar: “I see that the airbag has deployed. Is that correct, ma’am?”
Customer: “Yes.”
State Police: “This is 911 Emergency. What is the nature of your emergency?”
UnStar: “This is UnStar. I have an alien abduction with airbag deployment at Mile Marker 94 on State Route 231.”
State Police: “Have the anal probes begun yet?”
UnStar: “Ma’am, how many people are in the vehicle?”
Customer: “Me and my husband. Two.”
UnStar: “Have the aliens begun probing the anal cavity of you or your husband yet?”
Customer: “They’re going to do that?!?”
UnStar: “I take it that’s a no.”
UnStar: “State police, no anal probing yet on the driver or her single passenger.”
State Police: “Thank you, Unstar. We’re dispatching now.”
UnStar: “Help is on the way, ma’am. Would you like me to stay on the line until they arrive?”
Customer: “Yes, please. Tell me about this anal probe thing again.”
UnStar: “Ma’am, it is standard practice of aliens to …”

Thanks to UnStar’s one-button help feature, the police arrived in time to save this UnStar customer from traveling the cosmos with a four-foot meat thermometer sticking out of her and her husband’s butts.

Think UnStar is only good for intergalactic emergencies? Think again …

UnStar: “Hello, UnStar. How may I help you?”
Customer: “Hey, he done just ripped me off!”
UnStar: “Who just ripped you off, sir?”
Customer: “That dude! Right there! Who do you think I’m talking about?”
UnStar: “Come again, sir?”
Customer: “Listen. I comes into the neighborhood looking for some crack. I sees a dealer. I drives up to him. I asks how much. He says $5 a rock. I gives him a $20. I need a few. And he started walking down the street! I didn’t get no crack! I paid for it!”
UnStar: “Sir, this is UnStar Technologies. We help with vehicle emergencies.”
Customer: “Yeah, well hold on!” (Sound of screeching tires, wind, thump, thud, thud.)
Customer: “Hey, UnStar, you there?”
UnStar: “Yes, sir. How may we help you?”
Customer: “I got some dude under my car. I think he’s all mangled up. I can hear him coughing and shit. Moaning, too. I’m probably gonna need a tow.
UnStar: “Yes, sir. I’ll contact a tow truck right away.”
Customer: “OK, thanks. Hey, see if they gots a power washer, too. I want to wash that clown off my grill before the blood sets.”
UnStar: “Yes, sir.”
UnStar: “ABC Towing? I have a disabled vehicle with possible clown parts located at …”

Another valuable lesson in making the investment today for UnStar Technologies. Do not travel without it!

No comments:

Post a Comment