Gag me twice

So Danny DeVito – the short and stout guy that played the angry cab company owner on that sitcom where Andy Kaufman played a simpleton (Taxi?) – was so drunk on some live television show the other day that he couldn’t stop himself from walking on stage and being interviewed. The show is called “The View” or something like that. That’s the place where the stage hands from the Lollapalooza Tour settled after everyone in the public agreed to not buy tickets.

Where do people like DeVito come from? I know Bumfoq, Arkansas, or someplace is his birthing station, but if Darwin was right then why aren’t these social deviants weeded out through natural selection? It’s ironic mentioning Darwin, because I just got a flash of DeVito acting like a bird of some kind – a penguin, I think – and doing it quite well.

I heard two references – one on Sports Center and the other on late-night talk radio – about Britney Spears hanging out with Paris Hilton and also not buying or wearing underwear. I don’t want to know what fabric, if any, absorbs or otherwise processes her expelled gases. Just isn’t necessary to know. And hanging with Paris? Our little girl has grown up! Remember when Teeny Bopper Britney became Prostitute Britney? Now the clearance-sale tag is on and she is apparently giving it away. I can hear the conversation: “Now, Brit-babe, see this thingey here? It moves the steering wheel up. This is important. I usually write it on my hand so I don’t forget. If you don’t move it up, you’ll be banging your head against it all night long. Believe you me, those bumps hurt!”

Speaking of conversations, I see Ellen DeGeneres is doing commercials again. “Now, Ell-ell, you can funny. Work on that. Quiet and smooth as she goes. No one needs to know that you are a dyke and – God forbid – no one needs to see you tongue bathing your girlfriends. Just be a good girl and puke back the script with a proper range of affect. Okey dokey?”

I can’t do this anymore. It is like shooting fish in a barrel. Bye.