Tuesday, January 22, 2008

sitemeter follies

It started innocently enough. Hethcliffe was sitting at his desk at the Alberta Energy Company Limited in Calgary, Alberta, Canada, and was completely bored. So he googled, ”banning stupid”. Seems a reasonable thing to google for a man in Hethcliffe's prone position.

There we sat, occupying the number one spot with, ”try banning stupid people instead.”

Being the reasonable sort, and, remember, bored to the point of stacking aspirin at 7:30 AM, Hethcliffe clicks on through and reads. Seems we brought a smile to his nicotine and caffeine stained teeth. How nice. Too bad his tremors that aren't serious enough for socialized medicine to treat make typing a challenge for him.

“I cannot keep such mirth to myself,” chortled Hethcliffe. He sent it off in an e to a coworker, his wife, and his girlfriend.

At 8:26 AM, the coworker open the e, clicks through, speed-reads so he can claim to Hethy that he read it, then goes back to viewing Japanese cartoon porn.

His wife, Reginald, works at the Calgary Regional Health Authority. Seems Regi’s father was very unforgiving when he learned the gender of his newborn. Regi still feels awkward in pathyhose.

It took Regi until 8:57 AM to click through her husband’s link (he has no hesitation or awkwardness wearing panty hose). She reads, knowing Hethboy will quiz her tonight at dinner, makes a few notations to remember the content which she will read on the drive home, and goes back to saving patients from the ravages of Vancomycin-resistant Enterococcus.

At 8:59 AM, Hethy’s girlfriend sits in front of her computer hoping for some meaningful e’s from her precious Hethy. Her ISP is Telus Communications, which, to be direct, has been more reliable that Heth lately. “There’s an e!” she breathlessly says to herself. Opening it, hoping for “You eyes are pools running deeply with love” or just something even tangentially romantic, she is yet again crestfallen. “Hey, pookster, this guy cracks me up. Check out this link …” Another lonely morning with the vibrator.

About an hour later, at 10:01 AM, Hethcliffe gets back from a smoke break, and clicks through three pages, laughing uproariously. His coworker ignores the subsequent e’s. His wife is too focused on a real job to even check her e-mail. His girlfriend is focused on switching batteries and calling out another man’s name.

Poor Hethcliffe, just another lonely guy working for the power company in Calgary. Poor, clueless Hethcliffe. Poor, clueless, pathetic Hethcliffe.

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