Saturday, September 20, 2008


Been focused lately on trying to resusitate my laptop. Some nasty virus hidden behind a pic I viewed. Dropped my firewall, trashed my registry with openly changed lines and rootkits. Fricking brutal. Finally gave up trying to clean it. I was able to get all my data. I checked it for viruses during the transfer, and then checked this desktop after it was all loaded. Clean.

I have this dream. I find the dumb fuck that wrote the virus. I buy some old cinder block building in the middle of nowhere. I chain the dude to the wall, and construct a brick wall enclosing him. Then I leave, never to return. If I spoke to him during the wall-construction phase, it would just be to share the impact on my life of losing three days. Nothing dramatic, just facts, anecdotes, stories.

I have another view where I take him into a cave and place him inside a cage. The cage that he is in is lined with triple-strand razor wire. There is no way out, of course. I would weld the cage shut. But his movements inside could not avoid slicing his skin. The addition to the cave would be rats. Now this is where I would need a larger enclosure, as big as fifty feet square. The object is to ensure that the dude is the only food source for the rats. I wouldn't want too many rats. I haven't simulated this yet, so I don't know the number. But figure the putz could live a month - I'd provide water somehow to ensure that. If there were, say, a hundred rats, I fear that they would consume him quickly. But with too few rats (remember that they have no food but him), it may be easy to prevent their predatory consumption. So I would need enough rats to ensure a mob mentality. Thirty-five? Sounds good.

Oh, maybe the same cave thing - follow me here - but give him a pot of honey. What kind of ants are the best? Those red ones in Florida. That's an idea.

The key is a miserably long death. Painful, but not overwhelmingly so. Fear. Fear is a key element.

I'm thinking the razor wire may be too much. He could off himself and end it quickly. That would not be good. Maybe just welded inside the cage. Ah! A small cage like a human-sized bird cage. If he can't move too much, then the rats will encircle him. They're smart. They would learn his range of motion. I wonder if I could make the only source of water some slow trickle onto him. That would keep him moist. But a slow trickle. I want the water to stay inside the cage so the rats will have to attack it in order to live.

Funny - you know what else? I'd put a camera on him with a monitor. I'd tell him that whatever he says is being recorded. He'd get to the point where he would do all sorts of confessions and bargaining. What's those five steps? Disbelief, anger, something, bargaining, and acceptance. Oh, not a monitor but a huge flat screen so he could watch the rats mobilizing around him. That'll make his face twitch. Of course, the camera would be recording nothing. Can't have any evidence, mind you. I wonder if he would chew off a finger or something to toss outside the cage for the rats to eat and stay away from him for a bit. It's a thought.

I could have a split screen on the TV. What's an annoying show? Barney? The Brady Bunch! He'd be all sorts of masturbating to Marsha. So funny. One episode played 24 hours a day. I could do periodic power outages, too. The cave would turn completely black.

At some point - couple of months out? - I would have to dynamite the cave to bury the entire situation. Come to think about it, I would dynamite the entrance immediately. That way he'd know all hope was lost from the first moment. The second explosion would be a couple of months out. But I would want somehow to save the rats. So I could lay a pipe from the entrace to the interior. Block it at first, of course. Then open it up before the second explosion.

I'm torn. I'm not sure if the dark and lonely death of being chained behind a bricked wall is best, or the cage and rat thing. Hunh. I've got to think about this more.

There's got to be different species of rats, too. I am sure some are more aggressive than others. Got to make sure I got the correct species. I'll write that down.

Welding may take too long, too. I think just locks on the door, but I need to find some liquid I could pour in that would fill the cavity where the key goes.

Oh, that water-collection bit - I need to be sure that the cage has a concave bottom. I got it! A concave bottom and then some ability for the water to leech out so it doesn't spill over the sides. That involves calculating the drip and leech rates. I want a small pool of water like a puddle.

You think he'd eat his own feces hoping to die from it? I don't know if you can die from it, but I have often heard, "Eat shit and die." You have to infer that eating fecal matter could result in death, I guess. Might be urban legend. I'll make a note of that for a some google time. "Etymology of phrase 'eat shit and die'." Got it. I betcha it's just some hippie phrase with no science behind it. I'll find out.

What other lose ends? An ability to get out of cage? Check. Inability of discovery through closure of cave? Check. Isolated source of water? Check. Investigate appropriate rat species? Check. Camera and flat-screen TV? Check. Have to find the best Brady Bunch episode - one with lots of Marsha. Or maybe just lots of Alice! Poor dude yanking the ankle spanker to Alice. You know the father on that show was gay in real life. Go figure. Maybe lots of him.

I'd have to have the power interruption something that teased him with false returns to power stretched out over 30 minutes. The first power interruption can't be for several days. Then it needs to last like 12 hours. Could you imagine the fear in that dude?

Oh yeah, well of course he has to be naked through all of this. He'd just hang himself with any clothing available. THAT would be so uncool.

Ah! He'd eat the rats. Dang. OK, that means the number has to be large so that he could never kill or eat them all. I'd have to ... got it! An additional rat supply! Check this out. Boxes of rats stacked up like a warehouse - but only eight or so boxes. Each large enough to comfortably hold 50 rats. The boxes would be just fine to live in as long as the food and water lasted. So Box 1 would have food and water for 2 days, Box 2 for 4 days, etc. Metal boxes, too, so they could not chew through the side and would also make a LOT of noise inside. Then some time-released mechanism to flip open the side. Maybe cages instead of boxes so he could see them. Might be more sanitayr for the rats, too.

OK. Start with 50 rats, and add 50 more every couple of days. The dude kills or eats 450 rats, he deserves some rest! One last box with something nasty in it - not opened until say 40 days out - spiders.

I think I got the picture in my head. I need to make a shopping list. Then I need to find the guy, right? I think I'll find him first.

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