Thursday, October 11, 2007

catholic girls

I added a few blogs to my "things i read" list waaaaay down on the right side. Yes, perhaps you noticed, I stated to use labels - called them, "mine shafts." I don't know if I got carried away or there is a more efficient way to do it. The list seems kinda long for the 100 or so posts that I went back to and added labels. (UPDATE: Found this post that guided me through creating a drop-down box. Very cool.)

Anyway, yesterday I was on Peggy Archer's site (here), and took a few journeys from her blogroll.

One site I had not visted before is cookie bitch. This girl is funny. Her latest post opens with, "Pet Peeve ... The lazy fucks who use the motorized cart at the grocery store. I'm not talking about real disabled people - I'm talking about the derelicts who walk perfectly fine into the store, but then choose the motorized cart because the thought of having to stand in aisle 7 deciding between the ding dongs and the twinkies makes them sooooooo tired. These lazy-asses are not just announcing to the world they are pathetic, sedentary losers, they are also denying the use of the cart to people who really need it."

Very socially aware, direct in her opinions, good use of vocabulary. I particularly love the flow from "lazy fucks" to "sedentary losers." The jolt at the beginning arcs into capitulation and guilt by the end. Almost made me feel Catholic.

Another site I added is wrong k miller. I've read it before, but for some reason was amused a bit more yesterday. Seems the guy's e-address is Seems there are a lot of Millers out there with the first initial, "K." He writes, "according to the u.s. census, miller is the country’s seventh-most popular surname. the census doesn’t calculate how many of those millers have a first name starting with 'k,' but i think it’s safe to go with 'a lot.' maybe even, 'a shitload.' i should know: i get their email."

His blog is scans of the e's he receives, thoughtfully redacted for personal information. Here's a great one. Must have been something close to those cell phone commercials where the line goes dead at the wrong time. Poor girl.

Who'da tunk dat the old way of brushing people off - giving them the wrong telephone number - would be replaced by giving someone the wrong e-address. Progress. Well, she seems nice. But think about it for a minute. They break up ugly two years ago. They met last night. Then she is all, "I never stopped loving you." Signs it "xoxo." I love the "Or dinner ... or coffee ..." What, dear, "... or me"? Good lord, girl, put your panties back on. Have some self-respect. I gotta know - was the surgery on his face?

So a guy in Porum, Oklahoma, googles, "why my wife masterbaits." I come up #5. He clicks through. Glad to be of help.

Seems that Porum, OK, has about 750 people (2% of which are registered sex offenders), the most common male occupation is truck driver, and the most common female is occupation is nurse. They are poor in Porum.

Comparing Porum to all of Oklahoma, this about sums it up:

  • Median household income below state average.
  • Median house value significantly below state average.
  • Black race population percentage significantly below state average.
  • Hispanic race population percentage significantly below state average.
  • Foreign-born population percentage significantly below state average.
  • House age above state average.
  • Number of college students significantly below state average.
  • Percentage of population with a bachelor's degree or higher significantly below state average.

With all of that said, let's see if we can understand why your wife, as you put it, "masterbaits."

Drum roll, please ... The Top Ten reasons your wife, "masterbaits,"

Number 10. Because when you write her love notes, your handwriting and spelling makes her think she married a perpetual 12 year old. (Hint, Porum Dude, it is masturbate. "Why does my wife masturbate?")

Number 9. Your wife masturbates because she's tired of looking at all those D-size batteries just sitting around not being used.

Number 8. Because that man on the "Gunsmoke" reruns is so darn good looking.

Number 7. Your wife masturbates because, well, you see that bull out there in the field? Oh my, he's so BIG. I mean, can you see him? He has to be two feet loooo--- ohhhhh! oohhhhhh!

Number 6. Because having sex in silence is such a turn-on, as opposed to listening to you talk about the brake linings on your truck wearing down again.

The Number 5 reason your wife masturbates is because the dog died and couldn't please her any longer.

Number 4. Having sex with you once a month, about the same frequency you bathe, just doesn't do a country girl right.

Number 3. Your wife masturbates because she took one of your Viagra, got a female hard-on, and LIKED IT. A LOT.

Number 2. Because everytime she closes her eyes, she pictures herself showering with your sister-in-law.

And the Number 1 reason your wife masturbates is because she lives in Porum, Oklahoma, and is married to you!

OK, enough for now.

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