catholic girls

I added a few blogs to my "things i read" list waaaaay down on the right side. Yes, perhaps you noticed, I stated to use labels - called them, "mine shafts." I don't know if I got carried away or there is a more efficient way to do it. The list seems kinda long for the 100 or so posts that I went back to and added labels. (UPDATE: Found this post that guided me through creating a drop-down box. Very cool.)

Anyway, yesterday I was on Peggy Archer's site (here), and took a few journeys from her blogroll.

One site I had not visted before is cookie bitch. This girl is funny. Her latest post opens with, "Pet Peeve ... The lazy fucks who use the motorized cart at the grocery store. I'm not talking about real disabled people - I'm talking about the derelicts who walk perfectly fine into the store, but then choose the motorized cart because the thought of having to stand in aisle 7 deciding between the ding dongs and the twinkies makes them sooooooo tired. These lazy-asses are not just announcing to the world they are pathetic, sedentary losers, they are also denying the use of the cart to people who really need it."

Very socially aware, direct in her opinions, good use of vocabulary. I particularly love the flow from "lazy fucks" to "sedentary losers." The jolt at the beginning arcs into capitulation and guilt by the end. Almost made me feel Catholic.

Another site I added is wrong k miller. I've read it before, but for some reason was amused a bit more yesterday. Seems the guy's e-address is kmiller@gmail.com. Seems there are a lot of Millers out there with the first initial, "K." He writes, "according to the u.s. census, miller is the country’s seventh-most popular surname. the census doesn’t calculate how many of those millers have a first name starting with 'k,' but i think it’s safe to go with 'a lot.' maybe even, 'a shitload.' i should know: i get their email."

His blog is scans of the e's he receives, thoughtfully redacted for personal information. Here's a great one. Must have been something close to those cell phone commercials where the line goes dead at the wrong time. Poor girl.

Who'da tunk dat the old way of brushing people off - giving them the wrong telephone number - would be replaced by giving someone the wrong e-address. Progress. Well, she seems nice. But think about it for a minute. They break up ugly two years ago. They met last night. Then she is all, "I never stopped loving you." Signs it "xoxo." I love the "Or dinner ... or coffee ..." What, dear, "... or me"? Good lord, girl, put your panties back on. Have some self-respect. I gotta know - was the surgery on his face?

So a guy in Porum, Oklahoma, googles, "why my wife masterbaits." I come up #5. He clicks through. Glad to be of help.

Seems that Porum, OK, has about 750 people (2% of which are registered sex offenders), the most common male occupation is truck driver, and the most common female is occupation is nurse. They are poor in Porum.

Comparing Porum to all of Oklahoma, this about sums it up:

• Median household income below state average.
• Median house value significantly below state average.
• Black race population percentage significantly below state average.
• Hispanic race population percentage significantly below state average.
• Foreign-born population percentage significantly below state average.
• House age above state average.
• Number of college students significantly below state average.
• Percentage of population with a bachelor's degree or higher significantly below state average.

With all of that said, let's see if we can understand why your wife, as you put it, "masterbaits."

Drum roll, please ... The Top Ten reasons your wife, "masterbaits,"

Number 10. Because when you write her love notes, your handwriting and spelling makes her think she married a perpetual 12 year old. (Hint, Porum Dude, it is masturbate. "Why does my wife masturbate?")

Number 9. Your wife masturbates because she's tired of looking at all those D-size batteries just sitting around not being used.

Number 8. Because that man on the "Gunsmoke" reruns is so darn good looking.

Number 7. Your wife masturbates because, well, you see that bull out there in the field? Oh my, he's so BIG. I mean, can you see him? He has to be two feet loooo--- ohhhhh! oohhhhhh!

Number 6. Because having sex in silence is such a turn-on, as opposed to listening to you talk about the brake linings on your truck wearing down again.

The Number 5 reason your wife masturbates is because the dog died and couldn't please her any longer.

Number 4. Having sex with you once a month, about the same frequency you bathe, just doesn't do a country girl right.

Number 3. Your wife masturbates because she took one of your Viagra, got a female hard-on, and LIKED IT. A LOT.

Number 2. Because everytime she closes her eyes, she pictures herself showering with your sister-in-law.

And the Number 1 reason your wife masturbates is because she lives in Porum, Oklahoma, and is married to you!

OK, enough for now.

shatterproof vaginal doors

I was 12, I think, when I realized that shatterproof didn’t mean the same thing as breakproof. I was at my friend’s house (Artie). His dad had a new tool thing on the workbench with a grinder wheel. This shatterproof glass flipped over the wheel to block flying debris. I read the little sticker, “Shatterproof Glass.” “Neat,” I thought, and then picked up a pair of pliers and whacked it! It fractured in place. “Oh,” I thought, “shatterproof. Shatter. Got it. Fuck me.” I put the pliers down and walked away. Knowing Artie’s dad, I am sure he got his ass kicked for that broken-but-not-shattered glass. The good news is that I learned the importance of words in a very concrete setting.

Still into my webcams. Well, not really. Regardless of the G rating for the ones I would look at, I only peruse the lists when I am blogging, and only view the Watering Hole linked before when I am not blogging. Webcams still suggest to me Bambi touching herself live just for you as she works her way through college, who then becomes Bambi working her way down bobo for $45 a pop when her full-time job doesn’t quite make enough for her.

This webcam ”Switzerland Live Webcam on authentic steamer cruise, Interlaken, Bernese Upper Country,” is not live, but takes a pic every 60 seconds. The neat part is that the database goes back a few months. When you go to the site, it takes you the last pic of the last day. Move yourself to the first pic of the day, then you can use your arrow keys to move from pic to pic through the day. It takes just a moment for each image to load. Beautiful country.

Last one. Since the Cubbies won the NL Central yesterday, here is the exterior of Wrigley Field. OK, I’m bored, too.

Put in an address and get satellite pics. It’s free but the database is old.

You want to know how well read I am? I thought Ezra Pound was a chick. Turns out he’s a dude! Go figure. He read and recorded a lot of own works. Here’s a comprehensive set of direct links. Guess I better start listening.

I’m watching the Nationals-Phillies game. I love finding out who I am by noting the commercials chosen to present during the things I like to view. I have an enlarged prostate. My dick don’t work. My grey hair is holding my back from banging complete strangers in bars. I eat crap fast food (no wonder my dick doesn’t work). I need a new razor, cell phone, and tv (“it’s the mirrors”). I’m a wreck with out-dated tools.

So I went to the Flomax site and pull the full prescribing information.

You know the line about telling your eye doc you’re taking Flomax if you are going to have cataract surgery? “Intraoperative Floppy Iris Syndrome (IFIS) has been observed during cataract surgery in some patients treated with alpha-1 blockers, including FLOMAX capsules.” Floppy Iris Syndrome? I don’t know what the hell that is, but anything followed by syndrome can’t be good.

It gets better: “The patient's ophthalmologist should be prepared for possible modifications to their surgical technique, such as the utilization of iris hooks, iris dilator rings, or viscoelastic substances.” A HOOK? Wait a minute. Help me understand. I got something inside my ass that somehow changes my urine stream, you give me medicine, and now I have a hook in my eye? WTF?

Oh, great. As I write, Avodart is advertising and some clown is squeezing a ball of clay to show how my ass obstruction will get smaller. He claims to be a modeler who makes detailed city scenes. He’s a liar. Know how I know? This highly detailed model of a series of city blocks – just beautiful – is shown. Looks real, full scale. Then his face comes into view and you learn it is a model. Then – wait for it – then this ass-obstructionist put a cup of coffee down right in the middle of the street! A ring on the bottom, a bump and spill – and a-o is explaining to the client why he is $15K over budget and one week delayed. People get fired for stupid stuff like that. Must be a urine back-up clouding his thinking.

Where was I? Flomax, OK. The bit about sperm counts? “Studies in rats revealed significantly reduced fertility in males dosed with single or multiple daily doses of 300 mg/kg/day of tamsulosin hydrochloride (AUC exposure in rats about 50 times the human exposure with the maximum therapeutic dose). The mechanism of decreased fertility in male rats is considered to be an effect of the compound on the vaginal plug formation possibly due to changes of semen content or impairment of ejaculation.”

Well, “significantly reduced” is soft language – just means they can measure it and attribute it to the drug. Big enough so it isn’t a false positive. The second part is what I like – a “vaginal plug.” What a great concept. The reduction is so significant that a biological function arises inside the woman that says, “You must be kidding? Is that the best you got?”

So how many vaginal doors get slammed? They label the observation, “Abnormal Ejaculation.” The placebo group abnormally ejaculated 0.2% of the time. For the first dosage level of the anti-ass-obstruction-but-hook-in-your-eye “medical solution” AE’d 8.4%, and the next dosage level 18.1%.

Ouch! One out of five guys gets a hook in his eye, and the door slammed on the one-eyed guy – but he can piss up a Cat 2 Hurricane! I want some!

My heart isn’t strong enough to read the pharm data on the dick medicine that tells us that if your erection lasts longer than four hours you need to see a doctor. Four hours? That’s normal, ain’t it? But I am sure if I read it I would find that I am at risk of inner ear prolapse – but not slamming vaginas. So I guess it’s a balance.

I need to walk around. My privates are not relaxed with all this talk. You should be ashamed of yourself for reading this smut. Go find a webcam.

Deviance vs. Nonconformity

There is a difference between nonconformity and deviance. Nonconformity = cartoons, freedom of expression; deviance = criminal behavior. (Yeah, I teach criminal justice – I know, cut me a break, I’m making a point here. See the post or two below this one.) Below is a collection of deviance. Way beyond nonconformity. We learning anything yet? Pay attention. There will be a quiz.

Dude kills a 15 year old for walking on his lawn. Seems a little extreme.

The guy’s just a harmless panty sniffer. But, pal, 1,300 pairs! What’re thinking, buddy? Like to wear things that make you feel pretty? Somebody had to count these. Do you get hazard pay for that? Bet the cop union missed that potential when they negotiated the contract.

This is the true menace in society: men posting as sick boys on the net to get girls to send sexually explicit pics. 12 to 14 year olds? Dude, they are way cuter at 18 and up. C’mon, you’re 31! What is wrong with you?

He shot the cable guy? And it wasn’t even because he violated the, “I’ll be there between 8 and 12” rule by showing up at 2. He shot him because his own television set wasn’t cable-ready. Man. We need a little love here, people.

“I got an idea, honey, let’s fake our daughter’s kidnapping and get back at my sister and ex-girlfriend.” “Yeah, good plan.” “Yeah, I know we don’t live together, you and me, but we can make this work. We’ll put some of her school papers in their yard. Nobody’ll suspect anything.” Unspoken in the story, it seems, that maybe the dude’s girlfriend became an ex- by taking up with the guy’s sister. Small world.

What do you get a couple that has millions of dollars, a mansion, and everything else money can buy? How about a couple of slaves? Wow. Just frickin’ wow.

The neighbor’s front door kept slamming. Door goes slam Slam SLAM! That’s IT! The partially blind, one-legged diabetic guy grabs a 10-inch knife and “terrified” his neighbors. Which part terrified them?

Dude goes to the trouble of stealing an entire tractor-trailer with a full load. It’s like a big treasure box! I wonder what is inside? Something really, really good, I bet! How about $250,000 of Skittles? Ouch, my colon knotted up at just the thought of it.

Fifty year-old guy lives with mom. OK, you already know we have a problem. He rents a working girl and brings her home. He brought his ho home? Oh, this is going to get bad. Ah, new problem: seems the dude only looked like a lady. Working girl was actually working guy dressed like a girl. 50 year-old mom’s boy didn’t quit know how to take the slight. So he took a garden hoe to the ho and killed him/her. Here’s a good test: talk dirty to your ho – if her pants gets tighter, it’s best to move on.

Thirty-two counts of sexual assault and domestic violence for Silly the Clown. Never liked clowns. See what happens when you presume the surface of someone reflects their inside? Sublimation …

Mom gets fed up with daughter being picked on. So she gets on the school bus and tells her 9 year-old to smack the kid. Um, I don’t understand. Where’s the crime?

OK, Quiz time!

1. When a deviant loves his lawn and a kid insists on crossing it, the deviant shoots him dead. Given the same facts, a nonconformist would:

A. Politely ask the youth to stay off the lawn, and proceed to explain the deleterious effect of repeated ingress and egress on the grass.
B. Place signs that read, “Please stay off the grass!” (adorned with smiley faces) at strategic locations around the perimeter of the property.
C. Sit in a lawn chair in the middle of the lawn 24/7 on the assumption that his presence would deter the casual trespass.
D. Track the path usually walked by the youth, and populate said area with all manner of foul material including itching powder, bovine fecal stuff, horse urine, and athlete’s-foot-in-a-can.

2. When a deviant brings a prostitute home to meet his mom, and the mom says, “Tommy, why are you wearing a dress?” the deviant takes a hoe to the ho. Given the same facts, a nonconformist would:

A. Do the same thing. Contractual breach, according to the Code of Hammurabi, is punishable by death.
B. Break down in tears, beg his mother to love him anyway, and commence with his nightly cold vinegar enema even though it is two hours before nighty-nighty time.
C. Ask mommy to go to bed, then realize the sexual fantasy he’s been nursing since he was 12.
D. Break out a bottle of Jack Daniels, ask as many questions as he could think of, and proceed to write a short story about an incredibly interesting life he was lucky enough to cross paths with an evening.

3. When a pair of deviants has everything money can buy, they add to their possessions by getting a couple of slaves. Given the same facts, a nonconformist would:

A. Also buy a cotton farm.
B. Learn southern gospel songs and have sing-alongs after the dinner dishes were cleaned.
C. Write scripts for plays, make the slaves perform, and sit in the audience wearing blackface.
D. Sign everything of value over to the enslaved, and ask the former slaves to hire them as their cleaning staff.

4. When a partially blind, one-legged diabetic deviant hears the door slam once too often, he grabs a big knife and threatens the offenders. Given the same facts, a nonconformist would:

A. Bounce up and down on his one leg on their front yard, sans knife, singing Bing Crosby’s “White Christmas” until the neighbors made the connection of one annoying behavior for another.
B. Set up a lemonade stand on his front yard with a sign that reads, “Charity to buy weather striping for a-hole neighbor’s front door.”
C. Slip next door in the middle of the night and Gorilla glue their door shut.
D. All of the above.

(Answer key: If you answered “D” to all of the questions, then you are a nonconformist. If you answered any other letter to any question, then you’re a deviant and should do us all a favor by advancing your expiration date.)