Tuesday, November 27, 2007

peeing on the trailer skirting is normal, ain't it?

I always watch for suggestions of links when people die. The inventor of Gatorade died from liver failure. Don’t know if it means anything. I only play a doctor on the internet. But I will make an entry in my Book of the Dead for future reference. I have noted a strong correlation between Rap singers and gun shot wounds. As a result, I make a habit out of humming the tunes and dancing only with the lights out and shades drawn. Seems safer to me that way. Gun shot wounds are not like in the old movies where the guy falls slowly backward and gasps a few final words. They hurt. A lot.

I found my new favorite site on the internet. I was surfing for internet radio stations. Found all sorts of listings. Got frustrated pretty quickly because they all make money through advertising of one form or another. Then I found Pandora Radio. An incredibly well-designed and well-run site. It claims to have taken the genome approach to music. You select an artist and create a radio station around that type of music. Each song that comes up, you put your cursor over the image and give it a thumbs up or down. The station is refined according to your choices. You can create a lot of different stations. The only limit I have run into has been the amount of songs you can skip within one hour – seems to be about 5, then it tells you that their licensing agreements only allow so many skips per hour (but doesn’t give you the number). There is no advertising, no feed issues – amazing site. I have two stations – one built around Frank Black, the other B.B. King. My daughter has about 15, but she’s a rock star and is allowed.

I rarely watch movies. Way to ADHD-Hyperactive for that. Funny, I can sit for hours and watch sports or work on my computer, but even a 30-minute sitcom drives me to pacing. I think it has to do with being able to fully engage. If I cannot, I am psychological toast. My body begins to thump inside. If I ignore it, it feeds back into my thought processes and I have to change locales. Physical movement helps a lot, even just standing. However, when I did watch movies, I enjoyed tracking data on Box Office Mojo. Lots and lots of detail. Sometimes you will get a screen that tells you that you have to register – just hit “back” on your browser and make your selection again. It will bypass the registration screen.

Daytime is 30s and 40s, nighttime 20s and 30s. Winter temperatures have arrived. I am drinking coffee in the afternoon and tea at night. My sweater is on most of the time.

I told this mutt to pee on the rug, but it won’t. Sure, it’ll die, but it won’t pee. Not very realistic in that way. Oh well.

Do you live in the Philadelphia area and suffer from heavy, long-lasting, or frequent menstrual cycles that seriously impact your regular lifestyle? If so, this guy named Larry wants to talk to you. I think he has some experimental drugs with your name on them.

Learn something new every day. I thought a “nocturia” study in Lancaster, PA, would be related to Amish cows keeping you up at night. Guess not. I will say this, however, the description is written very poorly.

I remember years ago my boss reviewed a memorandum of mine and said to me, “you say ‘stocks’ up here and ‘certificates’ down there. Those two different things?” Uh, no. “Then why do you use two different names?” It was a great lesson in consistency. Jonathan Wolter, Failure Analysis. Best boss I ever had.

Want to know what “nocturia” is? Choose from the following: 1. Wake up more than twice a night to use the bathroom; 2. Wake up with an urge to go to the toilet during the night; or 3. Waking too often with an urge to pass urine at night.

Using the bathroom more than twice could be from Explosive Bowel Syndrome, wherein the patient presents micro-blasts into the porcelain god on a frequent basis. No bladder involvement. Having an urge to go to the toilet could be a fetish the specifics of which I am uncomfortable describing, or could be a problem masturbator. Having an urge to pass urine is an old drinking game. Someone would pee in a cup, and the cup got passed until the music stopped, then, well, you complete the sentence. More often than not, however, the last one to hold the cup still tried to pass, and (laughing) the n-n-ext guy (oh, god, such fun times!) would t-t-try to refuse it, and (snort!) the cup w-w-would (Stop IT! You're KILLING me!!) tip and piss would fly all over the place and (oh, boy! Such great times those were!) ... of course, with all the drinking going on, there would be sometimes be 3 or 4 cups in circulation! OK, enough. Fifth grade was so much fun - ah, the good old days! God bless Artie's dad for being such a drunk that we could plow through his keg on tap and he would just buy a new one! Alright, back on track ... defining "nocturia." Let’s not forget that where I come from, if you had to pee during the night, you could bet the dog did, too – so we all went outside and pissed on the trailer skirting (women included). No bathroom involved.

How about this: “Nocturia is a condition wherein the patient has an urge to urinate frequently during nighttime hours, where such urges cause the patient to actually leave the bed more than once each night to urinate.” I mean, you clowns are doctors with grant money, right? And you wonder why us internet docs have no respect for you anal-obsessed “real” docs. Man. Get an editor.

How do you approach a website that lists an item as, ”U.S. G.I. Innertube FUN, FUN, FUN !!!”. The site has an incredible array of stuff, and I have been to their location. Good stock, good prices. But, “FUN, FUN, FUN”? The superlatives may be more apt when describing a Finnish Gas Mask (“Yaw, I smell dat, too”), an M-856 Projectile (“INCOMING!!”), a Dutch Military Geiger Counter (“Read the meter, Private, what’s it say?” “It says, ‘We’re fucked,’ Sir”), or even a Dummy Pineapple Grenade (“Pull the ring and threaten gramma! Loads of fun at every party!!”), but an innertube? Naw.

All done.

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