try banning stupid people instead

I was listening to 101.5 FM out of New Jersey yesterday. The DJ was discussing some list of banned words published by the Department of Defense. I made a note to find the list, but have not been successful. I did find, however, extensive references made to a book by Diane Ravitch called, The Language Police, which is a compilation of terms not allowed in textbooks by the various departments of education around the country. I found two sites, here and here that provide excerpts of her glossary. Just remarkable. To be fair, it seems that Diane was appalled herself – she was not advocating banning these terms, just reporting on it.

Some examples …

Adam and Eve (replace with "Eve and Adam," to demonstrate that males do not take priority over females). Really? Is this like an Affirmative Action thing? Will we someday say that “Eve and Adam” demonstrates that females take priority over males, and then revert to “Adam and Eve” for a period of time? How about “the first two people on Earth, one of each gender.” Ah, but there are writings that suggest Adam had a wife before Eve. She must not have wanted to let him masturbate during her menstrual cycle or something (see a couple of posts below).

Boys' night out (banned as sexist). Really? But it is a real thing. Boys do have a night out. I don’t think you ban a concept – that’s dumb. I suggest you just add a corollary for the female counterpart – “Sausage Run.”

Busybody (banned as sexist, demeaning to older women). I find this interesting. Unlike above, there is no gender reference in the term and, further, the basis for banning the term includes an age reference which is also missing from the term. Do we use “interloper”? Do we say, “that crotchety old bag can’t mind her own business” (substituting the male gender and proper age reference as applicable to the precise situation)?

Courageous (banned as patronizing when referring to a person with disabilities). You must be kidding. Can I use the word to describe a soldier that raced into enemy fire to save his fellow soldiers? It’s not the word, just its application to the handicapped (which I am sure is on the list somewhere)? What do I say – your example of living life to the fullest is like the attributes of a lion? Doesn’t it take “courage” to overcome obstacles?

Dialect (banned as ethnocentric; use sparingly). A “dialect” is a variety of a language that is distinguished from other varieties of the same language by features of phonology, grammar, and vocabulary, and by its use by a group of speakers who are set off from others geographically or socially. “Ethnocentrism” is the belief in the inherent superiority of one's own ethnic group or culture. So you are suggesting that if I refer to someone’s speech as being a dialect, I am inherently declaring my superiority. Do y’all sense an asshat close by? When someone speaks the English language poorly, I do not refer to what they say as being indicative of thie “dialect,” rather I refer to them as “grammar retards.” Use of local phrases like “soda” or “pop,” or “sneakers” or “tennies” is not an indication of intelligence, but region from which a person hails. You people are idjits, and give me adjita.

Drunken, Drunkenness (banned as offensive when referring to Native Americans). OK. Won’t use it for Indians. I’ll reserve it for the Irish.

Egghead (banned as offensive; replace with "intellectual"). What?!? You have to declare this? Did you find a textbook with the term “egghead” in it – or are you just sensitive to the childhood beating you took because of the conical shape of your head?

Fairy (banned because it suggests homosexuality; replace with "elf"). But elves ain’t got wings! Damn. Do I have to write, “winged female elf without the usual bull-dyke stocky build”?

God (banned). See you in Hell, or Hades, or that hoax tossed out there by the intelligent-design idiots of an afterlife in perpetual agony because you’re on fire due to your shitty life.

Founding Fathers, the (banned as sexist; replace with "the Founders" or "the Framers"). But they WERE dudes!

Inspirational (banned as patronizing when referring to a person with disabilities). So I can’t say to the guy with two fingers, no intestines, and only half a face that his subsequent career as one of the most moving writers I have ever read is inspirational? WTF?

Little person (banned as offensive; replace with "person of small stature"). Step right up! 3 for a dollar! Toss the person of small stature through the hoop and win a prize!

Lumberjack (banned as sexist; replace with "woodcutter"). But they ain’t cutting wood – they are cutting trees. Treecutter? Or is that a crack against persons with AIDS?

Middle East (banned as reflecting a Eurocentric world view; replace with "Southwest Asia"; may be acceptable, however, as a historical reference). I have no idea with “Southwest Asia.” Is it anywhere near the Middle East? I’m about ready to puke. Did anybody ask the Arabs if there want to be tossed into a pot with the Asians? Something inside me hears a “how dare you insult [whatever his name is – that guy with the bomb in his towel, PBUH].

Old (banned as an adjective that implies helplessness, dependency, or other negative qualities). Old? You can’t say old? Um, “not young”? “Senior citizen (or resident or person)”? You can’t say “old”? But he IS old! Can’t you smell him? Man, all urine and impacted fecal matter and yeast and ear gunk. Puke!

Paraplegic (banned as offensive; replace with "person with paraplegia"). What is “paraplegia”? Is that like a paraplegic? I don’t want to learn new words – or use three when one will suffice. Is an “amputee” now a “person with an amputation”? A “drunkard” a “person in a perpetual intoxicated state”? A “butler” a “person who butles”?

Polo (banned as elitist). Yeah, thanks, Prince Charles. Hey, ladies, polo is a sport. So you have to ride a horse and usually only rich people play it. Only rich people own race cars – do we ban “race-car owner”? Is “polo shirt” banned, too? I would call it a “golf shirt,” but golf is quite the expensive sport – elitist, too? “What kind of shirt is that?” “Oh, just something I threw together!” “Fairy …”

Satan (banned). Heh, heh, heh. Good luck with that. Let me know how it works out for you. He will become all too real as the flames of Hell lick your ass.

Snowman (banned, replace with "snow person"). They ARE men – by design. You ever put tits on a snowman? Not only is it gay, they fall off! Isn’t that insensitive to women with breast cancer?

Sufferer of cerebral palsy (banned as offensive; replace with "person who has loss of muscle control"). OK, this is stupid. You are telling me that every person in every medical situation that has a loss of muscle control HAS cerebral palsy? I’m a DOCTOR (I.MD), you know. This replacement phrase is factually wrong. What is the problem with you people?

I teach. I read textbooks all the time. I think I may write a lecture about an old, egghead, drunken, little person American Indian playing polo against a bunch of Middle Eastern lumberjacks that suffer from cerebral palsy. They’ll all be tossed from their horses and become paraplegics and will discuss with their cute dialects God and Satan as they make fairy snowmen. It will be an inspirational story of courageousness. Maybe they can have a boys’ night out, all dolled up like Adam and Eve, and chit-chat about our Founding Fathers and the busybodies they encounter.

I’ll write an invitation to the visiting team, “Dear Camel Jockeys …”

Enough.

peeing on the trailer skirting is normal, ain't it?

I always watch for suggestions of links when people die. The inventor of Gatorade died from liver failure. Don’t know if it means anything. I only play a doctor on the internet. But I will make an entry in my Book of the Dead for future reference. I have noted a strong correlation between Rap singers and gun shot wounds. As a result, I make a habit out of humming the tunes and dancing only with the lights out and shades drawn. Seems safer to me that way. Gun shot wounds are not like in the old movies where the guy falls slowly backward and gasps a few final words. They hurt. A lot.

I found my new favorite site on the internet. I was surfing for internet radio stations. Found all sorts of listings. Got frustrated pretty quickly because they all make money through advertising of one form or another. Then I found Pandora Radio. An incredibly well-designed and well-run site. It claims to have taken the genome approach to music. You select an artist and create a radio station around that type of music. Each song that comes up, you put your cursor over the image and give it a thumbs up or down. The station is refined according to your choices. You can create a lot of different stations. The only limit I have run into has been the amount of songs you can skip within one hour – seems to be about 5, then it tells you that their licensing agreements only allow so many skips per hour (but doesn’t give you the number). There is no advertising, no feed issues – amazing site. I have two stations – one built around Frank Black, the other B.B. King. My daughter has about 15, but she’s a rock star and is allowed.

I rarely watch movies. Way to ADHD-Hyperactive for that. Funny, I can sit for hours and watch sports or work on my computer, but even a 30-minute sitcom drives me to pacing. I think it has to do with being able to fully engage. If I cannot, I am psychological toast. My body begins to thump inside. If I ignore it, it feeds back into my thought processes and I have to change locales. Physical movement helps a lot, even just standing. However, when I did watch movies, I enjoyed tracking data on Box Office Mojo. Lots and lots of detail. Sometimes you will get a screen that tells you that you have to register – just hit “back” on your browser and make your selection again. It will bypass the registration screen.

Daytime is 30s and 40s, nighttime 20s and 30s. Winter temperatures have arrived. I am drinking coffee in the afternoon and tea at night. My sweater is on most of the time.

I told this mutt to pee on the rug, but it won’t. Sure, it’ll die, but it won’t pee. Not very realistic in that way. Oh well.

Do you live in the Philadelphia area and suffer from heavy, long-lasting, or frequent menstrual cycles that seriously impact your regular lifestyle? If so, this guy named Larry wants to talk to you. I think he has some experimental drugs with your name on them.

Learn something new every day. I thought a “nocturia” study in Lancaster, PA, would be related to Amish cows keeping you up at night. Guess not. I will say this, however, the description is written very poorly.

I remember years ago my boss reviewed a memorandum of mine and said to me, “you say ‘stocks’ up here and ‘certificates’ down there. Those two different things?” Uh, no. “Then why do you use two different names?” It was a great lesson in consistency. Jonathan Wolter, Failure Analysis. Best boss I ever had.

Want to know what “nocturia” is? Choose from the following: 1. Wake up more than twice a night to use the bathroom; 2. Wake up with an urge to go to the toilet during the night; or 3. Waking too often with an urge to pass urine at night.

Using the bathroom more than twice could be from Explosive Bowel Syndrome, wherein the patient presents micro-blasts into the porcelain god on a frequent basis. No bladder involvement. Having an urge to go to the toilet could be a fetish the specifics of which I am uncomfortable describing, or could be a problem masturbator. Having an urge to pass urine is an old drinking game. Someone would pee in a cup, and the cup got passed until the music stopped, then, well, you complete the sentence. More often than not, however, the last one to hold the cup still tried to pass, and (laughing) the n-n-ext guy (oh, god, such fun times!) would t-t-try to refuse it, and (snort!) the cup w-w-would (Stop IT! You're KILLING me!!) tip and piss would fly all over the place and (oh, boy! Such great times those were!) ... of course, with all the drinking going on, there would be sometimes be 3 or 4 cups in circulation! OK, enough. Fifth grade was so much fun - ah, the good old days! God bless Artie's dad for being such a drunk that we could plow through his keg on tap and he would just buy a new one! Alright, back on track ... defining "nocturia." Let’s not forget that where I come from, if you had to pee during the night, you could bet the dog did, too – so we all went outside and pissed on the trailer skirting (women included). No bathroom involved.

How about this: “Nocturia is a condition wherein the patient has an urge to urinate frequently during nighttime hours, where such urges cause the patient to actually leave the bed more than once each night to urinate.” I mean, you clowns are doctors with grant money, right? And you wonder why us internet docs have no respect for you anal-obsessed “real” docs. Man. Get an editor.

How do you approach a website that lists an item as, ”U.S. G.I. Innertube FUN, FUN, FUN !!!”. The site has an incredible array of stuff, and I have been to their location. Good stock, good prices. But, “FUN, FUN, FUN”? The superlatives may be more apt when describing a Finnish Gas Mask (“Yaw, I smell dat, too”), an M-856 Projectile (“INCOMING!!”), a Dutch Military Geiger Counter (“Read the meter, Private, what’s it say?” “It says, ‘We’re fucked,’ Sir”), or even a Dummy Pineapple Grenade (“Pull the ring and threaten gramma! Loads of fun at every party!!”), but an innertube? Naw.

All done.

when can i masturabte?

There are just some things that you just cannot make up. I cut nothing below – full and complete. You have all the links.

J.W. from Canada writes, “As-Salamu `alaykum. I got married four months back. I am a Muslim and try to follow Islam to the best of my ability. During the time of my wife's period (which is usually seven days) I get sexually aroused a lot (she’s had like THREE periods, pal. Get a fricking grip – oh yeah, that’s what you are going to ask. Sorry, got ahead of myself.). I would like to know if, during this time, it is permissible for me to masturbate (smile)? If not, is there any other option?” (There’s the neighbor’s sheep, a mud hole, a rotting tree by a creek bed, your sister.)

Counselor Ahmad Kutty responds:

Wa `alaykum As-Salamu wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh. (Same to you, pal.)

In the Name of Allah, Most Gracious, Most Merciful.

All praise and thanks are due to Allah, and peace and blessings be upon His Messenger. (Yeah, yeah, yeah, cut to the chase.)

Dear brother in Islam, thank you so much for your concerns about your religion and Allah’s law even in what concerns your sexual life with your wife. (Gotcha. You get paid by the word, buddy? Talk!)

As for your question, it should be clear that masturbation is generally considered forbidden (except for the quite amazing exceptions noted at the end of this post) in Islam since it is deemed to fall under the category of sexual satisfaction outside the framework of marriage (don’t tell me that you’re about to say everything has to be with her, are you? Everything?). However, mutual masturbation between the man and his wife (here we go – so I can’t yank my pud, but she can? Where do I sign up? PBUH) is not haram; rather, it is permissible because it is a part of the enjoyment which Allah has allowed (nice guy, that Allah). Allah Almighty says: “Those who guard their chastity (i.e., private parts from illegal sexual acts). (why is there a period to the left and a capital E to the right? Your God seems to be a grammar retard.) Except from their wives or (the captives and slaves) (gotta love the fact subsumed in evidence, eh? It is perfectly fine to have captives and slaves. You people are bizarre.) that their right hands (I’m left handed; when I use my right hand it feels like someone else is doing it – is that ok?) possess,—for them, they are free from blame.” (Al-Mu’minun: 5-6)

In response to your question, Sheikh Ahmad Kutty, a senior lecturer and Islamic scholar at the Islamic Institute of Toronto, Ontario, Canada, states (oh, the above was like scripture, and now we get the sermon? I’m into it.):

“We are not allowed to engage in sexual intercourse with our wives during their menstrual period (why not? Give me a good reason. Name ONE. That’s why somebody invented soap and water.). However, there is no taboo on gaining sexual satisfaction from them through other ways (tell me more!). The Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) (double that if he is going to elaborate on “other ways”) was once asked, “What is allowed for a husband from his wife during menstruation?” (Somebody asked him this? Where's that humungo thighed Mrs. Clinton & her Fabulous Question Planters when you need them? This dude is walking around like a fricking prophet and people asked him about banging their wives? You people hate Jews, but, c'mon, they had a bit more decorum with Jesus, right?) He replied, “Everything except sexual intercourse.” (I LOVE this guy – “everything”) Just as there is no taboo on intimate touching, fondling, caressing, et cetera, there is no prohibition on spouses masturbating each other, et cetera. (I think “et cetera” is Muslim for “yadda yadda yadda.” That Mohammed said that?!? That is so funny. The dude is walking around like he’s the Christ and talking about jacking off. So hip! Did he wear headphones and sunglasses? So, we already learned that she can take the yoyo for a walk. You mean I can just say, “This side’s bloody, flip it over”? That’s cool with you? So provided a slave isn’t available, I can just crank her up the ass and you have no problem with that? You people spent too much time in the desert with camels. Trust me on this one. I bet the etymology of “animal husbandry” is a bit further east than Greece or Rome.”)

Although you are not allowed to masturbate yourself, your wife can masturbate you without incurring any sin (You’re repeating yourself. On purpose? For emphasis? OK, ok. I’ll talk to her and said you said so. "Um, jerk me off, PBUH." That's all, right? I say that and we're cool?). So satisfy yourself through halal (lawful) (I thought "halal" was deep fried and served in a pita. Learn something new everyday.) ways; we have sufficiency in what Allah has made halal for us so that we do not need to turn to that which is considered as haram (unlawful).” (I thought "haram" was a bunch of chicks - or as you call them, "captives." Let’s summarize, she can yank it, I can flip her over, I could do a slave, I could kidnap somebody so I have a “captive.” I didn’t see any prohibition on her blowing me – I mean, “everything” is a pretty broad term. I can toe fuck her? Just can’t bang her. Got it. What an amazing religion to discuss such real issues. And you think we are too loose? Tell me, when I clip my toenails, right to left or left to right?)

Excepted, with slight modifications, from: www.muslims.ca

You can also read:

Islamic Ruling on Masturbation. Can I? Short answer: Yes (hunh? I thought you just said, no.), but only if you aren’t married (ah! So stay single and the sheep are safe.), if you think you really need to bang some married girl (so even if I am married, I can do it if that woman over there is driving me to the point of distraction. What an incredible religion you people have.), or if you are releasing sexual tension rather than achieving sexual desire (now, talk about wordsmithing. Tension not desire. Well, I get really tense sometimes – does that work? Hey, I’m tense, I took my Viagra and she’s late from work - yank yank yank. And that’s OK? Listen to me, boys, create a flow chart of your rules. See the spirals and feedbacks? There’s no flow (menstruation aside). Your rules are creating asshats. Settle down. Relax. Masturbate. Don’t be so uptight.).

My Husband Does Not Satisfy Me in Bed: Can I Masturbate? Short answer: No. So what if we Muslim men have short dicks and no sense of foreplay. Deal with it. (Figures. Always the guys with small dicks writing rules telling women to “deal with it.” How about this, bub – pull your own pud, I can’t find it! The coke bottle and tweezers must be in the slave’s room.)

If you are still in need of more information, don't hesitate to contact us. Do keep in touch. May Allah guide us all to the straight path! (Yeah, ok.)

Allah Almighty knows best. (I am speechless.)

royalism dick

Not sure if it is ever a good idea to click through on ads, but this was tucked in my gmail sidebar. It’s for ”Handy Spray” – a hand-held bidet. It’s a hose, people, a HOSE! And they want $30 to $60 for it. It’s a hose. A bidet is something the beautiful people use because they can’t deign to wipe their own ass, not unlike that nose freak Mrs. James “The Janitor” Brolin (who, btw, ranks a pic but not not a word – not even his name on Ms. Nostrils’ personal webpage bio. “Um, BS, baby, um, could you, um, maybe mention, um, you know, we’ve been that M-word for almost ten years. Um, maybe you could put my, um, my, um, my name in your bio – you know, just a passing mention, that’s all. Nothing big.” “WHHAAATT!! YOU FUCKING EGOMANIAC!! [TOSSED MING VASE CRASHES INTO HIS HEAD] GO CLEAN THE TOILET!! MAKE SURE THE ROSE PETALS ARE ALL FACE UP. Fucking dammit, just can hire good husbands anymore. What is wrong with the placement agency?”

I can’t believe that I am going to write about what I am about to write about. I am trying to decide whether to wretch or laugh. Ah, what the hell, let’s do it. This is so pathetic. I have to go put on a clean suit. Brb.

OK. Start here. Left side, reads, “Statements. Read the latest comments direct from Barbra.” Oh, God, clean suit bad idea. Vomit contained. Brb.

Click on “Statements” (man, I hate the chewy stuff left over from vomit. What was that? One sec … oh yeah, I had a bagel. OK.) Let’s see we have for “direct from Ba-ba-bar--” (Oh, God, this is bad. brb. … OK. Pasta for lunch. It was whole wheat penne in this fresh tomato sauce. Not bad.) Her first “direct statement” is interesting. Seems she uses the nom de guerre “Bob Herbert” when writing for the NYT. Let’s look for something which she had the masse testiculaire to publish under her own name.

Here we go, Republican Attempt to Steal California’s Votes. Sounds, um, enlarged-scrotum-ish. Let’s dive in.

Her first paragraph as presented: “Karl Rove may have resigned as the President’s chief strategist, but the dirty and secretive tricks that have characterized the Republican Party in recent years are still here to stay. Leading California Republicans are promoting a dishonest initiative that steals electoral votes from California, a democratic state. Republicans attempting to steal votes in a major election? This smells all too familiar.”

Her first paragraph, annotated: “Karl Rove (I read ahead, darlings – KR is not mentioned again. Use of his name is just a ploy to draw in a common audience – emphasis on “common”) may have resigned as the President’s chief strategist (his title was “Senior Advisor.” A campaign has a “strategist.”), but the dirty and secretive tricks that have characterized the Republican Party in recent years are still here to stay (as opposed to the dirty and secretive tricks that have characterized the Democratic Party?). Leading California Republicans are promoting a dishonest initiative that steals (to take and carry away the property of another with the intent to deprive permanently the holder of its possession) electoral votes from (the topic will become a reallocation; California will continue to have them, sweetums) California, a democratic state (as opposed to, the “socialist” state of __? And California is no more democratic than any other state – they are all representative democracies, buttcheeks; we don’t have democracies in America. The closest was the New Hampshire Town Hall system.). Republicans attempting to steal votes in a major election? This smells all too familiar.” (Why does it not surprise me that you would use an olfactory reference?)

Next paragraph, annotated (lost interest in wasting cyber-inches on both versions). “The initiative, crafted by a lawyer for the California Republican Party and member of the group misleadingly called "Californians for Equal Representation,” (as opposed to your several “Farewell Tours”?) proposes to divide (what happened to “steal” and take “from”?) California's electoral votes based on results in each congressional district, rather than award the entire 55 electoral votes to the winner of the statewide popular vote (funny, I haven’t been around politics for a while, but I recall Algore and his ilk proposing this). Proposed for the California ballot in June 2008, where voter turn-out is extremely low (so much for democracy in action), this initiative would essentially give the next Republican presidential candidate as many as 19 additional votes--almost equal to all the electoral votes from Ohio (20) and nearly all from Florida (27 – so that’s the difference between “almost equal” and “nearly all.” I was wondering. So, 2/3s is “nearly all.” OK. Why not Pennsylvania or Illinois, both with 21?)!”

Next: “For many voters, this initiative upon first glance seems logical and fair. (I am so glad that you are here to protect us from what seem logical and fair!) However, in the context of the rest of the country, where large red (oh, so this is a color thing? Since when do democratic principles get determined by current political winds? Sounds kinda unconstitutional.) states in particular (I repeat my last comment, deary, because your lack of commas offsetting the phrase “in particular” denotes its criticality to the sentence – so the issue is that it is a “blue” or “red” state. Got it.) would still award their electoral votes to the candidate who won the popular vote, this ballot initiative is completely imbalanced and undemocratic (Actually, it would more closely resemble a democratic system – one person, one vote. The inherent problem with the approach is that it would render smaller representative democratic states virtually unimportant as their electoral caches would be divided from five to ten down to just two or three at a pop. Politicians would ignore them completely.). There is no way this initiative would create a more fair and balanced voting system in our country, unless it was uniformly adopted by ALL states. (so this system is democratic if adopted everywhere, but not democratic if adopted by California. Can you say, non sequitur?)”

The rest of it (besides her links): “This initiative shines a glaring spotlight on Republican hypocrisy. Republicans want to continue the same winner-take-all system in other big states that they consistently win, like Texas and Indiana (Indiana? Indiana?!? It’s got 11 EVs, boxhead.). However, they want Democrats to share the electoral votes in California, a big blue state with the country’s most electoral votes. Democrats have been carrying California in recent elections. Even if Democrats were to win the state in 2008, Republicans would still get a substantial number of electoral votes under this new law (nearer thy god to thee).

“If passed, this initiative would make a democratic victory in any major election extremely difficult. We can not let the Republican Party pull the wool over our eyes and steal yet another election. (I actually teach Constitutional Law, and understand the attempt by Gore to steal the 2000 election by recounting only three counties – where W said, “count them all and you have a deal.” Gore said, “no.” SCOTUS said, simply, “No, Gore, you cannot compel a localized recounting when the entire state’s EVs are at stake. That steals votes from the uncounted counties” And everyone knows that the entire state was recounted privately and W won it. So where was the theft? You people suck at history.)”

One last “Statement,” wherein she strongly recommends two books: “I would like to strongly recommend these two books by John Nichols:

“The Genius of Impeachment: The Founders' Cure for Royalism Dick: The Man Who is President (Dick Cheney)

“They both address important issues regarding holding our leaders accountable for their actions.” (Verbatim, folks. Complete and unedited. Four words, full colon, six words, full colon, seven words. I shudder to think what “Royalism Dick” is. Sounds bad.)

I can’t do this any more. I have to shower, then hook up the hose and bidet myself.

killing you softly with my words

A favorite word of mine through the years has been, “non-sequitur.” I suspect the hyphen is not correct because it is taken directly from Latin (so “non” is a word rather than a prefix) meaning, “it does not follow.”

Although it is a favorite word (or two-word combination) of mine, I cannot ever remember uttering it in context. Seems to me to be not quite fitting of coal trash to have such a robust lexicon. When I think of such things, I recall leaving the courthouse one day (I had a hearing of some kind in a neighboring county). I walked past a group of lawyers that did not give me, a lawyer from away, even a nod. One was saying to the group, “… not sure, I mean, he couldn’t even propound an appropriate inquiry!” Wasn’t a reference to my courtroom work (I’m a good propounderistarianer), but I thought as I walked by, “… douchebag. They don't give out nickels for big words anymore.”

I use my share of long words, but as one of my graduate students wrote on a course eval, “You use a lot of big words, but you use them all correctly. It’s refreshing.” And, to me, therein lies the issue. Words communicate. The simpler the word, the more likely your message will be communicated. Sometimes longer words are needed – just be sure to know what they mean before you use them.

Little shit drives me nuts: “We are doing this to insure we get it right the first time.” Insure, as to financially underwrite? “That” is limiting; “which” is not. But, to me, misuse at this level is just lazy, and it’s OK to be lazy. We all are in some areas of our lives including, big time, me. However, when people go out of their way to use words they do not understand just to use a big word, then you know they are not trying to communicate, but to impress.

“Impress: to press (a thing) into or on something.” Isn’t that what Charmin is for?

Could we say, in light of the above, that one who uses big words for the very sake of their length and that flushing sound one hears typically from behind a closed interior door in a residential environment is, empirically, the antithesis of a non sequitur? Methinks, without measureable trepidation of the prospect of contradiction, that such is an accurate manner in which to describe the state of affairs. In short, if you do not know the difference between “didactic” and “pedantic” then do not use either.

Naw, not being a dick, just tired of pseudo-intellectuals.

Alright, enough pompous bullshit. Soapbox to the right; me to the left.

Here’s a good story: “In 1386, the tribunal of Falaise sentenced a sow to be mangled and maimed in the head and forelegs, and then to be hanged, for having torn the face and arms of a child and thus caused its death. … As if to make the travesty of justice complete, the sow was dressed in man's clothes and executed on the public square near the city-hall at an expense to the state of ten sous and ten deniers, besides a pair of gloves to the hangman.” – E.P. Evans, The Criminal Prosecution and Capital Punishment of Animals, 1906 This site is full of good stories.

Good rule from my twin: if it wasn’t food a hundred years ago, it isn’t food now.

This sounds good:

Autumn Roasted Vegetable Salad

Ingredients

1 (8 oz.) yam, peeled and diced to 1-inch
1 (6 oz.) granny smith apple, peeled, cored and diced to 1-inch
1 (6 oz.) red onion, diced to 1-inch
2 tbsp. olive oil, split
salt and pepper to taste
2 tsp. balsamic vinegar
1 tsp. Dijon mustard
1/2 cup sliced California Ripe Olives
2 cups mixed baby greens
1/4 cup of chopped toasted cashews

Directions

In a large mixing bowl, toss yam, apple and red onion with 1 tablespoon of oil. Season with salt and pepper and scatter on one or two roasting pans in an even layer. Bake in a 450˚F oven for 20 minutes until golden. Remove from heat and allow to cool for 10 minutes. While cooling, whisk remaining oil, vinegar and mustard into mixing bowl. Toss in California Ripe Olives, baby greens and cooled vegetables. Top with cashews and serve. Serves 4. Courtesy of The California Olive Industry.

If you get off on articles that begin, “Almost one billion people throughout tropical and sub-tropical latitudes are infected with hookworms. In the countries affected, hookworm infection is often the major contributor to irondeficiency anemia, a direct consequence of the parasite’s bloodfeeding activities” then you can read the rest here - The bandit, a New DNA Transposon from a Hookworm - Possible Horizontal Genetic Transfer between Host and Parasite. The article is focused on DNA analysis. I can’t bring myself to show a pic of the things, but go for it if you like.

I started reading some articles on why lethal injection is “inhumane,” and then got sidetracked to other issues. Data from Amnesty International: In 2006, 91 per cent of all known executions took place in six countries: China, Iran, Pakistan, Iraq, Sudan and the USA. Based on public reports available, Amnesty International estimated that at least 1,010 people were executed in China during the year, although these figures are only the tip of the iceberg. Credible sources suggest that between 7,500 to 8,000 people were executed in 2006. The official statistics remain a state secret, making monitoring and analysis problematic.

Iran executed 177 people, Pakistan 82, and Iraq and Sudan each at least 65. There were 53 executions in 12 states in the USA.

Um, we set the internal toaster oven to "bake" for 53 people and you’re on our case? Shoo, fly, go away! Shoo!! Seems to me you’ve got more than enough work to do with China. Better go pout at the UN, eh? Further, if the 7:1 to 8:1 holds for China, you gotta know, brother, that is also good for Iran and the Sudan.

And don’t you just the love the opening crack – “91 per cent” in six countries. They are using a base of 1,591 executions. Wouldn’t “88 per cent in five countries” sound better? Narrow the culprits to just FIVE! Ah, but that would leave the US off the list.

How’s this for another twist? In point 11 not quite half way down: China reports executing about the same number of people in 2006 that the United States has executed for the past 30 years. That is Amnesty’s data, but not the way they want us to view it.

Here’s another set of data, different source, same year: China, at least 5,000 (approximately 8,000 according to Liu Renwen, Professor of the Chinese Academy of Social Sciences); Iran, at least 215; Pakistan, 82; Iraq, at least 65; Sudan, at least 65; and United States, 53.

China’s number essential the same – a guess as to the total. Iran creeps up over 20%, and joins Iraq and the Sudan with the qualifier, “at least.” Seems the US role is shrinking by the article.

Want an observation? Where is Russia in all this? Ah, they have a moratorium on the death penalty. Why? Last paragraph of the link – Russia committed itself to scrapping the death penalty in 1997, when it signed a protocol to the European Convention on Human Rights. Money. Follow the money. It is routed in trade with the EU. Remember Russia in the 1990's? They were in economic freefall.

Butt hay, who needs the death penalty when you can murder your undesirables? But, Clyde! How can you say that! It, it, it’s so cold! Blow me – here’s the data:

Russia murders per 100,000 population: 201 (#5 on the hit parade)
US murders per 100,000 population: 42 (#24)
Weighted average for the world: 100

Gee, maybe there’s something to the theory.

Where did I get started on this tangent? Oh yeah, the “inhumane” nature of lethal injection. Here’s the scientific article saying it’s bad. Read it all, then come back and read this:

I grabbed this at random from Dead Man Eating:

SOUTH DAKOTA LAST MEAL
ELIJAH PAGE
July 11, 2007

Last Meal: Page had a final meal request of steak with A-1 sauce, jalapeno poppers with cream sauce, onion rings, and a salad with cherry tomatoes, ham chunks, shredded cheese, bacon bits, and blue cheese and ranch dressing. He wanted lemon iced tea and coffee to drink and ice cream for dessert.

The skinny: Page, 25, was executed for the torturing and killing a 19-year-old man following a robbery.

It was South Dakota's first execution in 60 years.

More skinny: Page and two other young men were convicted of killing a 19-year old "friend," near the town of Spearfish in the rural west of South Dakota.

The victim was kidnapped at gunpoint, then tortured for almost 3 hours before his death. He was forced to drink acid, repeatedly kicked and beaten, stabbed in the head and torso, and forced to remove his clothing in an icy creek.

His body was not found until a month later.

Upon his arrest in Texas, Page admitted his involvement in the murder. Page later pled guilty, received a death sentence, and waived appeals.

Accomplice Briley Piper, age 19, also pled guilty and was sentenced to death. Accomplice Darrell Hoadley, age 20, is serving a sentence of life without parole.

Last words and such: Asked if he had any last words, Page replied, "No." Asked if he understood the question Page responded, "Yes, no last words."

I really hope he enjoyed his jalapeño poppers. I wish I knew what flavor ice cream he asked for.

I also hope the execution procedure was a complete fuck-up, totally in line with the scientific article linked above.

Yes, the death penalty is retributive. Ain’t got nothing to do with general deterrence. It does, however, help the recidivism rate, eh?

only words survive

i want to write about words in a moment. quick mention first to an update in "my blog family" on the right.

i have written often about my daughter in this blog. you can search the blog top left for "jourdaine," "cartoons," "nonconforming," and "nonconformity" and read some of it. her cartoons are cool. some of my favorite stories are here, here, and here.

she's had some great influences in her life, my twin primary among them, as well as being slapped pretty hard for being an individual. every time the latter has happened, the girl stands, dusts herself off, and says, "is that the best you got, a'hole?" remarkable endurance and depth for a 16 year old.

she bailed on some previous blogs when The Others impugned Satanic Rituals in sentences like, "for my 16th birthday, i want strippers and cheap vodka," and "if i could be any kind of tree, i would want to be a dead one, because i think trees take up too much space and they annoy me." The Others saw potential rape and pillage in a cartoon that depicted a girl scout about to be executed because she brought the wrong flavor of cookies. some guy even left a comment on my post about it that he would have his kid in therapy if she drew like that.

really? therapy? and when you discover that your kid smokes pot (which mine don't), you'll consult with a dozen people, practice in front of a mirror, then sit with her and say things like, "where did we go wrong? don't you like me? i try so hard? how could you do this to your mother and me?" whereas i would stare intently and occasionally say, "wtf?" and then glance down at the cattle prod and do-it-yourself-at-home-like-an-expert-frontal-lobotomy kit on the coffee table, adding, "choose your poison, little girl." lest you dismiss my approach, remember it is your kid doing weed or lifting your wife's prozac, while mine is merely writing about them. yeah, funny, your wife is on prozac - does that tell you anything?

alright, enough of you. my daughter has returned to posting - check it out here.

i want to talk about words. twin says this morning - people use the same words, it is just that some people treat them like treasures found on a beach, while others only collect them from the dollar store. what a great point.

i am not thinking of somebody writing, "i am writing you myself because i want to insure that you understand." really? you want to financially underwrite this issue? methinks, grammarian, that you mean "ensure." that is just someone that doesn't read often enough to see words in proper context, so they rely upon their hearing and false intellect.

i am thinking instead of those people that say, "i guess this is it. have a nice life." oh. and such an epitaph to the most casual of relationships joined only by a mutual friend that was thereafter moving to Away. "have a nice life?" how utterly presumptive. beyond the obvious - maybe i don't want a nice life - how about the dimissive statement wrapped around a presumed complete knowledge of the rest of her life and its interactions? i frankly don't care if i ever see her again - and i haven't in the three years since those words were so flippantly tossed out. but what an abuse of language!

words have a way of lasting - they explain the look on someone's face, they accompany an action. the same precise act coupled with two sets of words can have diametrically opposed interpretations. people put more faith in, "did you hear what he said?" as opposed to, "did you see the look on his face?"

all i have left of my dad is one pic i refuse to look at because it is too close to the image i carry of him in his casket, some fishing flies, some shirts, and his words. the flies only mean something because of a story we shared. his shirts carry the meaning of dinner table conversations when he came home from the factory.

so people need to treat the words they utter more as if they are sharing a found treasure rather than having just filled the basket with seven items for $7 plus tax. when you are dead, only your words will survive - your choice: remembered as a treasure hunter or common trash?