hazleton gets purdy

Wanna chew some aspirin? Let’s go …

This is a story, albeit bereft of links to substantiate only because I am too lazy to find them, of how sausage is made. If you know that warm, cozy feeling of sitting at the table with your Jimmy Dean and a few aborted chickens over-easy, then here is the final sausage, all grilled up purty.

The link is a pretty legal brief in support of a town local to me. The town, Hazleton, passed an ordinance some time ago requiring landlords and businesses to get proof of citizenship prior to renting to or hiring employees. The brief looks so official and makes a sound constitutional argument. I am sure the local political hacks feel smart when they read it.

Here’s the reality.

Hazleton is a dirty little town with closed storefronts and aged buildings. There’s a junk yard just off main street that houses enough rats to serve everyone in Asia a three-course meal for a week. Go just one block from the main drag, and the market becomes a mercado. Every sign changes to Spanish. Nothing wrong with that.

The claim, and I listen but neither believe or disbelieve, is that “these people” are sucking the town’s resources dry with their welfare draws including, most discussed, showing up the hospital emergency room. In Pennsylvania, maybe everywhere, every county has to have one hospital designated for providing care regardless of ability to pay. In my county (not the same as Hazletons) that designated hospital just so happens to be the one closest to me. I have gone to the ER a couple of times, just once for myself, and when I check in and offer my insurance card they tell me, “We cannot ask for or process anything on insurance until the emergency services have been completed.”

The purported illegals in this area are largely migrant workers, or were when they originally came. I had some overlap with the societal structure when I represented a runner in federal court. These folks are here for years and years. They routinely send money home. They come and go between countries not often but regularly. Getting IDs, including Social Security cards, was merely a matter of paying the price – with the money, access was not an issue.

My guy told me that he could be back in the US at will. He was going to be deported as a result of the charges against him. I said to him, “So how long will it take you to get back here?” He said, “I haven’t spent much time with my family lately, so I’ll probably stay there two weeks.”

So with all the illegals so plain to Hazleton’s ruling elite, they pass the law to push them out of their backyard. Of course, Hazleton would be a great location to shot a 1950s film of a poverty-stricken town, but that’s another issue. Of course, without the illegals shopping in the mercados and elsewhere the commerce in Hazleton would dry up like a thin puddle in Arizona, but that’s another issue.

“Push ‘em out,” says Jim-Bob.

“You tell ‘em!” echoes Mike-Bob.

“Burn the witch! Take her shoes! Let’s go eat!” says Dave-Bob.

All the other –Bobs join in. Sausage is made.

I am certain the federal Court of Appeals will overturn the local decision. There is precedent for the law. Afterward, Hazleton will be able to resume its downward slope into non-existence unimpeded by the financial impact of those nasty illegals.

How do we solve the illegal-population situation? How the hell do I know? But I will suggest that the very question subsumes the direction: It is a “situation.” It is not some hypothetical situation with Tommy Jefferson shooing away little red-headed black kids by saying, “I told you never to visit me at work!” “OK, daddy …”

The borders were porous; illegals poured through. Now they are here and have been for decades. Our economy has conformed to their presence. Play too heavy a hand and there will be nasty economic consequences both here and in Mexico. It is not different that Iraq: We are there; pull out and leave a vacuum, then it will collapse. Something measured needs to be done. There is also recognition that we cannot reward illegal behavior. You figure it out.

Onward.

Are you high? Here you go. Welcome.

Meghan doesn’t document her findings on origins of phrases, but I have no reason to disbelief her. I am not a group-hug-let’s-sing-Kum-Bai-Ah kind of guy, but I have just removed the phrase “rule of thumb” from my lexicon. Meghan: No, this phrase is definitely NOT "P.C"! Who knew? "Rule of thumb" derived from the days when woman were sometimes beaten with a switch. To be "kind" the switch could not be thicker than a thumb's width. This was made law in 1782 when an English judge stated that men were allowed to beat their wives but that the stick could not be thicker than one's thumb.

This is interesting. You need to drop the page just a little until you see the spinning girl. It is described in the text – but look at the pic first. I am right-brained, and if I put the image into my peripheral vision, I could make it change direction, and hold that changed direction when I looked directly at it.

Is you pet suicidal? Give it anti-depressants. Really. How utterly pathetic.

I’ve had those confirmation links you have to hit in an e to activate some account. I like the idea of a 15 minute e-mail address. It dies quickly, as does the ability to clog your spam folder.

Later …

politics distilled january 23, 2008

Just got done watching (over three days) the re-issued Born to Boogie. Remarkable slice of my life up there on the screen. It really was as I saw it in my mind all these years. Am listening to 20th Century Superstar as I write.

My twin is blissfully clueless on things politic, yet discussions come up at work, voting time is within sight, so I am going to distill the political landscape from time to time.

For the uninitiated, I am conservative by nature and independent by registration. I am conservative because I find that competition in an open marketplace is far superior to government-run anything. What’s the best run agency/department/whatever in the federal government? The United States Postal Service. Why? Because they are mandated by their charter to operate at breakeven, and the ultimate judge is the price for the first ounce of a first class letter. Every other federal and state agency/department/whatever is run like an asylum: give them what they need so they shut up and don’t hurt anyone. The problem is that they need more and more all the time.

I think unions suck primarily because they are socialism – just look at their political leanings: bigger government always. More proof? Look at what they did to the public school system. They invented the concept of social promotion – pass the kid to the next grade because he’ll feel badly being left behind. The result is graduating functional illiterates. I heard a teacher complain that No Child Left Behind made her prove competency in every subject. What do you teach? “Special Ed.” You have the kids for every subject? “Yes.” So you want to teach them something for which you cannot establish competency? “But they are spe--.” Smile. Pig.

So onto current politics.

Forget the dems and pubs for a moment. Ralph Nader and Mike Bloomberg are sniffing around the edges as if they may start campaigning. We had Ross Perot a few cycles ago – John Anderson a few cycles before that. Third parties were common until FDR changed the name on the deed for the White House. Let at the historical record: the Socialist party always ran a candidate. After several cycles of FDR, what emerged with the dems and pubs. The Socialists somehow folded into the dems. Seeing other folks raise their hands to join is not new, nor will elect anyone from that ticket – but it could play kingmaker. Ross Perot took enough votes from George the Elder to give Bubba a plurality victory. Mike Bloomberg will do the same thing to Hillary – but I bet he is waiting to enter until it is clear Hillary will be the nominee. I think he detests her, and would love to do to her what Ross did to the Elder.

The dems race is just two people – Hillary and Obama. Hillary’s biggest problem is that her negatives are so high. If we had absolute knowledge, I bet she sets a record every time votes are cast for people that vote against her rather than for her opponent. She is paper thin, she has junk yard dogs surrounding her, and she does everything to fulfill the picture of a candidate rather than the substance. Just look at how quickly the press turned on her following NH. It is clear they detest yet fear her. The best part of watching her campaign is to see Bubba work his old parlor tricks. In the 1990s, they were magic; today they are the fuddy-duddy uncle whom everyone gives the stage to for a few minutes out of past respect.

Hillary's votes are institutional votes: unions, people that believe government should solve all problems, etc. She knows her base – she just said yesterday that government should play a bigger role in the economy. Good lord, lady, can you be more of an open socialist? No one does government-run health-care on this planet that is anywhere comparable to our competitive system. You want to tax away huge profits of oil companies? Then you need to accept that the oil companies were stop making comparable investments. In fact, they will leave American soil in total. They will build gas refineries in South America and Mexico, and ship refined oil up. You think 65% imported oil and about 20% imported gas is a lot? Just go messing with the capitalist society. You cite, monster thighs, that there are 43 million people without insurance in this country. You are either stupid or a liar. You know full well that number is the number of people without private insurance. You know full well that government programs pick up over 80% of those people. You also know that every county in this nation is required to have one hospital that serves every emergency without asking about ability to pay. In fact, they cannot even accept insurance cards until the emergency service has been rendered. Our system works, and mark my words, lady, you will destroy it if you let the government run it.

I have heard first-hand stories about this woman and her treatment of those around her. She is simply not a nice person. She is ruthless, condemning, angry, and walks through life as if she deserves everything. I just cannot consider a person like her to be worthy of a vote. If she were my neighbor, we would not be friends. If she were my coworker, we would not share time outside job requirements.

Obama is an interesting person. Too young to have any clue beyond a vision. Maybe that’s a good thing. Maybe Reagan was so good because he was too old to have anything but a vision.

You know what? I’m bored. Onward. Obama another day.

The Brits are going to extract cell stems out of the bone marrow of heart patients, and inject them into the scarred portions of the heart. They figure six months post-injection is a good measurement time. The only problem with the study is that they are going to give an equal number of people placebos. False hope. They already know what will happen with no stem cells added. Why not expand the study to give everyone a chance? Kinda sad.

This is humorous … Algore’s globe-be-toasty science is taking a cold bath lately, so he’s found himself a new position: gay marriage should be legalized across the nation. Quoting the boy, “Gay men and women ought to have the same rights as heterosexual men and women -- to make contracts, to have hospital visiting rights, to join together in marriage, and I don't understand why it is considered by some people to be a threat to heterosexual marriage.” It is considered, Atheist Al, to be against teachings in the Bible. That’s the issue, son. Let’s be clear, ok? And actually, for someone so versed as ignoring data as you, I guess it comes as no surprise that you have ignored the data out of European countries that have approved gay marriage: more children being raised in single-parent homes, more juvenile delinquency, and more drug use. Maybe instead of being a threat to heterosexual marriage, Allie, it can be viewed as a threat to our next generation. What an inconvenient truth, eh?

More another day.

politics without a parachute

There’s a few stories I could not pass up. What kind of story has the headline, “Hillary Clinton reveals human side in Iowa plea”? What does mean, exactly? There must be a “non-human” side that is ordinarily exhibited. How odd.

The story is not good for her, either. Phrases: “her voice hoarse,” “her aides desperately tried,” “included several attempts to portray Mr Obama as an ingénue,” (sorry, but ingénue just tain’t be in my normal lexicon), “Mrs Clinton, 60, argued,” “Mr Obama, 46, is increasingly confident,” “Mrs Clinton's chief strategist lambasted,” and “Mrs Clinton slipped into a soft, modulated voice - never used in public until recent weeks - to outline her human side.”

Sounds desperate. What a shame.

So what if old folks can’t get out because of snow? “Worried that elderly voters may be deterred by the snow, the Clinton campaign has distributed hundreds of green shovels to clear paths.” Dig yourself out, you old bag! Wow. She really does care!

Speaking of self-help, look at the turn socialized medicine is taking in Britain. Remember that 1/7th of the US economy that Hillary tried to take over when her husband was president? NHS patients told to treat themselves. What is meant by “treat themselves”?

~ Monitoring their own heart activity, blood pressure and lung capacity using equipment installed in the home
~ Reporting medical information to doctors remotely by telephone or computer
~ Administering their own drugs and other treatment to "manage pain" and assessing the significance of changes in their condition
~ Using relaxation techniques to relieve stress and avoid "panic" visits to emergency wards.

It doesn’t sound too bad, but the article focuses on those most hit by the reductions in service levels – the elderly with chronic conditions. It’s a good point. The real issue is the budget crisis they have because the government-run system removes any need for competitive pricing.

So, writing of budgets, all I wanted was a number. How much does the NHS spend? Whew! Several screens and I finally find this: NHS Expenditure 2003-2004. Let’s call it $64B pounds. Convert to US$ using the December 31, 2003, conversion rate of 0.5625 yields US$36B. (Here’s a historical currency converter.)

Let’s see … their population is 58,789,194, so that’s about US$612 a person. If we were to do health care are poorly as the Brits, it would be US$184B budget increase. Of course, both our standard and expectations of health care exceed what the Brits have and expect. So, a trillion dollars? My policy runs about US$1,300 a month for four people. Extrapolate that annually to the entire population and you get US$1.17T. Hillary? You got that?

In case you are truly bored, the FBI wants you to help. They finally got around to releasing information 36 years after the fact, and NOW ask you to help find D.B. Cooper. That’s the guy that jumped out of a plane over Washington State after getting parachutes and $200K delivered to the plane. Turns out, the guy didn’t really know what he was doing. The reserve chute was sewn shut and he didn’t check it; he had no coordinate detail on his location; the weather was really bad. He probably did not survive the jump. Some money did turn up years later downstream – bummer there.

Well, can’t wait to hear Hillary’s dance about an other-than-first-place finish in Iowa. Or will she squeak one out and announce that the people have spoken and the race is over? Whatever the results, you know she won’t be able to shut up.

Later …

cranky

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screaming at toilets

This is why I stay away from politics, despite my almost pathological following of it my entire life. One articles relates” "They like this war. They want this war to continue," Pelosi, D- Calif., told reporters. … Asked to clarify her remarks, Pelosi backed off a bit. … "I shouldn't say they like the war," she said. "They support the war, the course of action that the president is on."

So Pelosi opens her mouth and suggests – we all know she was – that the pubs rather enjoy the killing of soldiers. When questioned, she could not stick to her words. A little rust on the chastity belt, I guess.

Lucianne.com responds with: Could we now talk a little bit about how the democrats 'like' killing babies.

The message, of course, is that supporting a woman’s application of her right to privacy to the continued life of her fetus until the 24th week or so when ultra-womb viability kicks in is somehow liking the killing of babies.

My personal views on either topic don’t matter. I have a horse in both races, but I really don’t need to watch the ugliness that is American politics. No one will ever clean it up. It will only get messier.

No, nobody likes killing anything. Yes, some people leave their coat and soul in the Congressional Cloakroom. Just not interested. Tell me what my taxes are and leave me alone.

This is an interesting article on scramjet-engine technology. Same concept as a jet engine, only a whole lot more intense: operating temperatures in the thousands of degree; theoretical max Mach 15 – about 10,000 MPH. The concept is to use it for passenger travel. Termed “hypersonic,” it was originally funded by Reagan and originally de-funded by Clinton. Not a shocking pair of actions. Could you imagine a failure during top-speed flight? Instant toast. One problem – as fat-fetched as it may seem, but it will become real – the noise is akin to a rocket launch. They will not be able to use these engines as the sole means of propulsion at most airports. There will have to be a second power plant of sorts. Man … plane aloft, primary engines fold away, secondary engines deploy – “Please put your trays in the upright and stowed position, make sure all of your luggage is in the overhead compartment or underneath the seat in front of you … now, take a deep breath, pinch your buttocks together, and hold on! Sanitary wipes are in the pocket in front of you if you should fill your pants.”

Buried in this article is the statement, “The receding ice caps on Mars hint at a climatic warming trend.” When someone can explain why, and distinguish the source from the “global warming” here on Earth, then I will start listening to Algore.

Yes, this is where I am from. Chick get angry with her toilet, and proceeds to scream at it. Busted for public disturbance. Turns out to be protected speech. If I want to scream at my toilet, I have that right, no matter what language I use. That’s a good thing to know.

Found this article saying 3,800 people and kids under the age of 24 were homeless in NYC. Wasn’t sure how to judge such a number. Went to the NYS 2000 Census data. Seems 12.06% of the population are ages 15 to 23. Compare that to the first article’s claim of 8.2MM living in NYC, and it suggests that about 1 in 260 people in that age bracket in NYC is homeless. That doesn’t seem too out of whack. I’m not focused enough to track all the source data, but the EU, with a claimed 3MM homeless against a population of 456MM has an overall rate of 1 in 152. I guess NYC’s not too bad. A statistic is a terrible thing to waste.

All for now

acidic spouses and fair use

It was a tough decision, but I finally found a winner: Here is the Spouse of the Week! We long suspected she would win, but we needed to wait until this headline was published: Wife Convicted in Husband's Acid Murder. YES!!!

Let’s peek inside …

Now-widowed Larissa and now-dead Tim owned a chemical lab. They had an assistant, James “The Gullible One in Apparent Need of Money” Fagone. The year was 2003. Larissa, or “Iss” as she was called by her friends, and Timmy were in the midst of a nasty divorce. A double shot – divorcing your spouse and business partner! Talk about your social, economic, and spiritual life going down the shitter in one fell swoop.

Having done my fair share of divorces – both as an attorney and a spouse – I understand thoroughly the financial implications of death when it occurs on either side of the court decree. Seems Iss understood, too.

Here’s how it went down …

Iss: Hey, Jimmy, I got a business proposition for you.
Jimmy: Yeah?
Iss: See that guy over there?
Jimmy: Tim? Your husband?
Iss: Yeah.
Jimmy: Yeah, I see him. He’s, like, the only other person here.
Iss: Exactly.
Jimmy: Hunh?
Iss: You’re not getting it. Focus with me.
Jimmy: I’m trying.
Iss: See that 55 gallon drum over there?
Jimmy: Uh, yeah.
Iss: See this stun gun?
Jimmy: The one in your hand?
Iss: Yes, Jimmy, the one in my hand.
Jimmy: Uh, yeah, I see it.
Iss: Guy, stun gun, barrel.
Jimmy: Guy, stun gun, barrel.
Iss: Exactly.
Jimmy: Exactly what?
Iss: You’re an idiot, Jimmy.
Jimmy: You say that a lot.
Iss: You prove that a lot.
Jimmy: I’m sorry. You gonna hit me again?
Iss: No. Jimmy. I want to give you $2,000.
Jimmy: OK. Do I have to have sex with your pets again while you tape it?
Iss: No, Jimmy.
Jimmy: OK.
Iss: You ready?
Jimmy: Ready for what?
Iss: Guy, stun g-- …
Jimmy: … -un, barrel.
Iss: Exactly.
Jimmy: Exactly what?
Iss: Oh, my f---king lord you are stupid.
Jimmy: You shouldn’t talk about God that way.
Iss: Jimmy, focus with me.
Jimmy: OK.
Iss: I want you to walk over to Tim, use this stun gun on him, then I’ll use chloroform on him, and then you put him in the barrel. Upsidedown.
Jimmy: Why would I do that?
Iss: $2,000.
Jimmy: OK.
Iss: Go ahead and do it now.
Jimmy: OK.
Iss: Hey, Jimmy. You need the stun gun.
Jimmy: OK.

Jimmy: Hi, Tim!
Tim: Hi, Jimmy, what can I d--- ZAP! ARGGgghhh …
Jimmy: Sorry, Tim.

Iss: OK, Jimmy, pick him up.
Jimmy: OK. Upsidedown, right?
Iss: Yes, Jimmy.
Jimmy: OK. Thump! Do I get my $2,000 now?
Iss: In a minute. We aren’t done yet.
Jimmy: That’s that acid stuff, Iss.
Iss: Yes, it is, Jimmy.
Jimmy: Whacha gonna do with it? We got another experiment to do?
Iss: Something like that. Get his feet out of the way.
Jimmy: OK.
Iss: I’m just going pour this hydrochloric acid in here with Tim, and we’re going to time it and see how long it takes for him to dissolve.
Jimmy: OK.

Poor Jimmy was convicted in December 2006 of first-degree murder and sentenced to life in prison without parole. Looks like Iss will get the same.

You just have to love a spouse that refuses to out quietly. I think the dissolving-in-acid was a nice touch.

We aren’t done yet. This notice appeared with the article: “Copyright 2007 The Associated Press. The information contained in the AP news report may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or otherwise distributed without the prior written authority of The Associated Press.”

That seemed broad enough to piss me off. “Fair Use” came to mind. “Screw you, AP” also flashed by.

Let’s go to a rather reliable source for such issues, the U.S. Copyright Office. US Code 17 Section 107 lists four considerations for fair use:

1. the purpose and character of the use, including whether such use is of commercial nature or is for nonprofit educational purposes;
2. the nature of the copyrighted work;
3. amount and substantiality of the portion used in relation to the copyrighted work as a whole; and
4. the effect of the use upon the potential market for or value of the copyrighted work.

Is my work commercial? No. I generate no income from this blog. The ads to the right are de minimus and if measureable, the amount attributable to this post is 1 divided by infinity, so zero.

The alleged copyrighted work was publicly distributed. I found it on the open internet. That does not defeat the alleged copyright, but it does put into perspective the nature of the work – it is intended to be read by the general public.

How much of their work did I use? A very small percentage. In fact, many other sources are available both subject to copyright and not (court docs). I, um, I read at least 25 different sources, filling my head with each, before I composed the vignette above. I merely chose to link to AP because I detest them and believe they need the business.

Do I affect their value? Oh no, they trashed that a long, long time ago. Have I touched their potential market? Yes. I increased it by linking to them.

A little more for the USCO: “The 1961 Report of the Register of Copyrights on the General Revision of the U.S. Copyright Law cites examples of activities that courts have regarded as fair use: ‘quotation of excerpts in a review or criticism for purposes of illustration or comment; quotation of short passages in a scholarly or technical work, for illustration or clarification of the author's observations; use in a parody of some of the content of the work parodied; summary of an address or article, with brief quotations, in a news report …’” Yeah, that’s me, particularly the I’m-your-clown part.

AP pisses me off. Stick your pseudo-broad copyright claims.

Stephen A. Smith is an idiot

I’m really struggling to understand something. I read some commentary on an interview with Stephen A. Smith – some sports guy I’ve heard talk loud on ESPN. I couldn’t believe the excerpts I read in this commentary. I mean – I was shaking my head that such stupidity and arrogance could be all wrapped into one person. So I tracked to the original publication of his remarks.

I should say something up front. I’ve seen ESPN pump this guy like he was the Bill Gates of sports. I watched his show twice (I think) and found him to be substantially more mouth than intellect. I’m sure he knows basketball or whatever he was blabbing about, but he talks a lot faster than he can process thoughts. Maybe it was just the television shtick.

The two paragraphs that caught my eye are in full below, and were presented in the quotations marks and with the ellipses as shown. He was asked about whether he would consider working for a newspaper again (didn’t know he had - didn't think he could shut up long enough to type), and whether the newspaper industry was dying. I don’t care where he works, so follow the link if you do. On the death and dying part, he said newsprint needed to migrate better to the internet. Then he went off on the internet. Check out these statements (yeah, my commentary abounds):

"And when you look at the internet business, what’s dangerous (that’s a strong word, Stevie) about it is that people who are clearly unqualified (who set the standard, son? Who wrote and approved the qualifications?) get to disseminate their piece to the masses (as in, the “little people”?). I respect the journalism industry, and the fact of the matter is ...someone with no training (those pesky yet undefined “qualifications” again) should not be allowed (allowed? ALLOWED? But, Massa Stephen, I gots to make water …) to have any kind (?) of format whatsoever (?) to disseminate to the masses (?) to the level which they can. (Um, so that whole 1st Amendment thing about free speech, should have read, “Congress shall make no law … abridging the freedom of speech – until such time as said speech can be HEARD or READ by people outside the physical locale of the speaker or writer (except as may be needed for the newsprint industry or the yet to be invented television and radio industries).” Sound about right, Steve-A?) They are not trained. (you said that about 25 words ago. See what I mean, A? If you talked more slowly, you would think more about word choice, and not be so redundant) Not experts. (Ah, the “qualification” come again. So someone needs to be an “expert” before they can publish on the net. Are you an expert, Steve-A? My issue, son, is that an “expert” denotes familiarity with facts, yet the published items on the net are most clearly opinions. Does someone need to be a factually intensive “expert” in order to render their opinion? Really? I think Kobe is a rapist. I think his attorneys took advantage of the victim-shield laws by exploiting the Preliminary Hearing system (which allowed testimony under oath prior to indictment). They made that girl’s name known. She caved. Oh, yeah, I got a law degree and practiced criminal defense for a long time, then lectured it. What’s your response? “I know Kobe. He’s a friend. He’s no rapist.” Who’s got the biased opinion now, little man?) More important are the level of ethics and integrity (you must be joking. Dan Rather? CNN?) that comes along with the quote-unqoute (sic) profession hasn’t been firmly established and entrenched in the minds (that’s a good thing) of those who’ve been given that license (license? You mean like a privilege? Op cit., 1st Amendment, S-A. Speech is a right).

"Therefore, there’s a total disregard (I love it when people talk in absolutes. They are always wrong. Ironic, eh?), a level of wrecklessness (that’s not a word, btw) that ends up being a domino effect. And the people who suffer are the common (common? COMMON? Who are you referring to as “common,” boy?) viewers out there and, more importantly, those in the industry who haven’t been fortunate to get a radio or television deal and only rely on the written word (the poor, innocent people that cannot distinguish between an AP dateline and www.fred.com). And now they’ve been sabotaged. Not because of me (“Because I be an expert!”). Or like me (A little persecution complex happening?). But because of the industry or the world has allowed the average joe (so it’s because I’m not special? I’ve always been told I was special. That’s why they gave me a special football helmet to wear on the short bus) to resemble a professional (trust me, the last thing I want to look like is YOU) without any credentials whatsoever (those damn “qualifications” again!)."

Unqualified Opinion Alert: Stephen A. Smith is an idiot.

try banning stupid people instead

I was listening to 101.5 FM out of New Jersey yesterday. The DJ was discussing some list of banned words published by the Department of Defense. I made a note to find the list, but have not been successful. I did find, however, extensive references made to a book by Diane Ravitch called, The Language Police, which is a compilation of terms not allowed in textbooks by the various departments of education around the country. I found two sites, here and here that provide excerpts of her glossary. Just remarkable. To be fair, it seems that Diane was appalled herself – she was not advocating banning these terms, just reporting on it.

Some examples …

Adam and Eve (replace with "Eve and Adam," to demonstrate that males do not take priority over females). Really? Is this like an Affirmative Action thing? Will we someday say that “Eve and Adam” demonstrates that females take priority over males, and then revert to “Adam and Eve” for a period of time? How about “the first two people on Earth, one of each gender.” Ah, but there are writings that suggest Adam had a wife before Eve. She must not have wanted to let him masturbate during her menstrual cycle or something (see a couple of posts below).

Boys' night out (banned as sexist). Really? But it is a real thing. Boys do have a night out. I don’t think you ban a concept – that’s dumb. I suggest you just add a corollary for the female counterpart – “Sausage Run.”

Busybody (banned as sexist, demeaning to older women). I find this interesting. Unlike above, there is no gender reference in the term and, further, the basis for banning the term includes an age reference which is also missing from the term. Do we use “interloper”? Do we say, “that crotchety old bag can’t mind her own business” (substituting the male gender and proper age reference as applicable to the precise situation)?

Courageous (banned as patronizing when referring to a person with disabilities). You must be kidding. Can I use the word to describe a soldier that raced into enemy fire to save his fellow soldiers? It’s not the word, just its application to the handicapped (which I am sure is on the list somewhere)? What do I say – your example of living life to the fullest is like the attributes of a lion? Doesn’t it take “courage” to overcome obstacles?

Dialect (banned as ethnocentric; use sparingly). A “dialect” is a variety of a language that is distinguished from other varieties of the same language by features of phonology, grammar, and vocabulary, and by its use by a group of speakers who are set off from others geographically or socially. “Ethnocentrism” is the belief in the inherent superiority of one's own ethnic group or culture. So you are suggesting that if I refer to someone’s speech as being a dialect, I am inherently declaring my superiority. Do y’all sense an asshat close by? When someone speaks the English language poorly, I do not refer to what they say as being indicative of thie “dialect,” rather I refer to them as “grammar retards.” Use of local phrases like “soda” or “pop,” or “sneakers” or “tennies” is not an indication of intelligence, but region from which a person hails. You people are idjits, and give me adjita.

Drunken, Drunkenness (banned as offensive when referring to Native Americans). OK. Won’t use it for Indians. I’ll reserve it for the Irish.

Egghead (banned as offensive; replace with "intellectual"). What?!? You have to declare this? Did you find a textbook with the term “egghead” in it – or are you just sensitive to the childhood beating you took because of the conical shape of your head?

Fairy (banned because it suggests homosexuality; replace with "elf"). But elves ain’t got wings! Damn. Do I have to write, “winged female elf without the usual bull-dyke stocky build”?

God (banned). See you in Hell, or Hades, or that hoax tossed out there by the intelligent-design idiots of an afterlife in perpetual agony because you’re on fire due to your shitty life.

Founding Fathers, the (banned as sexist; replace with "the Founders" or "the Framers"). But they WERE dudes!

Inspirational (banned as patronizing when referring to a person with disabilities). So I can’t say to the guy with two fingers, no intestines, and only half a face that his subsequent career as one of the most moving writers I have ever read is inspirational? WTF?

Little person (banned as offensive; replace with "person of small stature"). Step right up! 3 for a dollar! Toss the person of small stature through the hoop and win a prize!

Lumberjack (banned as sexist; replace with "woodcutter"). But they ain’t cutting wood – they are cutting trees. Treecutter? Or is that a crack against persons with AIDS?

Middle East (banned as reflecting a Eurocentric world view; replace with "Southwest Asia"; may be acceptable, however, as a historical reference). I have no idea with “Southwest Asia.” Is it anywhere near the Middle East? I’m about ready to puke. Did anybody ask the Arabs if there want to be tossed into a pot with the Asians? Something inside me hears a “how dare you insult [whatever his name is – that guy with the bomb in his towel, PBUH].

Old (banned as an adjective that implies helplessness, dependency, or other negative qualities). Old? You can’t say old? Um, “not young”? “Senior citizen (or resident or person)”? You can’t say “old”? But he IS old! Can’t you smell him? Man, all urine and impacted fecal matter and yeast and ear gunk. Puke!

Paraplegic (banned as offensive; replace with "person with paraplegia"). What is “paraplegia”? Is that like a paraplegic? I don’t want to learn new words – or use three when one will suffice. Is an “amputee” now a “person with an amputation”? A “drunkard” a “person in a perpetual intoxicated state”? A “butler” a “person who butles”?

Polo (banned as elitist). Yeah, thanks, Prince Charles. Hey, ladies, polo is a sport. So you have to ride a horse and usually only rich people play it. Only rich people own race cars – do we ban “race-car owner”? Is “polo shirt” banned, too? I would call it a “golf shirt,” but golf is quite the expensive sport – elitist, too? “What kind of shirt is that?” “Oh, just something I threw together!” “Fairy …”

Satan (banned). Heh, heh, heh. Good luck with that. Let me know how it works out for you. He will become all too real as the flames of Hell lick your ass.

Snowman (banned, replace with "snow person"). They ARE men – by design. You ever put tits on a snowman? Not only is it gay, they fall off! Isn’t that insensitive to women with breast cancer?

Sufferer of cerebral palsy (banned as offensive; replace with "person who has loss of muscle control"). OK, this is stupid. You are telling me that every person in every medical situation that has a loss of muscle control HAS cerebral palsy? I’m a DOCTOR (I.MD), you know. This replacement phrase is factually wrong. What is the problem with you people?

I teach. I read textbooks all the time. I think I may write a lecture about an old, egghead, drunken, little person American Indian playing polo against a bunch of Middle Eastern lumberjacks that suffer from cerebral palsy. They’ll all be tossed from their horses and become paraplegics and will discuss with their cute dialects God and Satan as they make fairy snowmen. It will be an inspirational story of courageousness. Maybe they can have a boys’ night out, all dolled up like Adam and Eve, and chit-chat about our Founding Fathers and the busybodies they encounter.

I’ll write an invitation to the visiting team, “Dear Camel Jockeys …”

Enough.

happy thanksgiving from the palestinian authority

I frequent life is israel several times a week. The link is to a specific post, but just click his header for the main page.

What I find amazing is the bald-face lying of the Arab community. "What? Us? We are peace-loving, PBUH, yadda yadda, yadda." They are actively at war. Period, end of story. Any liberal simpleton that tries to suggest otherwise is not merely an enabler, they are a co-conspirator. There is no desire within the Arab community to resolve anything in Palestine. Letting them rot keeps them angry - and the anger is directed towards Israel. Just think what the several HUNDRED millions dollars Yes-Sir Are-U-Fat possessed in his personal coffers could have "solved" if he hadn't stole it.

These people will continue to fight until they are killed one by one. Everyone knows they are fighting, but are unwilling to resolve it. Just look at the garbage Israel took because they built a wall. Stupid.

Want to see these clowns at war? Check out the video. Notice the truck driving by - there is open knowledge of these actions. The "I don't masturbate because Allah told me so" crowd is setting up rocket launchers to toss missiles into Israel. At least Sinn Fein had the decency to use the cover of night (mostly).

Trip Points

I got issues. Funny, eh? Three words that set the tone. Some things are instant piss-me-off-no-matter-what-the-current-mood issues.

Broadcasting political votes. I was on some web site off the Blog Carnivals site. The post was something – forget now. But a few posts down he writes that he just voted in the local city council elections, and then proceeds to name for whom he voted. A friend of mine said once, when asked for whom he voted in a recent presidential election, “One of the beautiful things about America is that not only can we vote for our leaders, but we don’t have to tell anyone for whom we voted.” I thought the statement was elegant.

I think that people that broadcast their votes are idiots. Talk about issues all you want. Make your position on abortion or baby seals or rain forests known all you want. But to consider that some politician, who by definition sells their soul to the highest bidder, is actually an answer is incredibly naïve. They are as complex and contradictory and evolving as any other person. You work on a campaign and have sold your soul, too, then your opinion doesn’t matter.

Vote if you want to, but shut-up about it.

Stupid people that don’t know they are stupid. I cannot fathom these people. The layer that always comes with it – and it is this portion that trips me – is the arrogance. We all have limitations, physical or intellectual or spiritual or whatever. The trick in life is to know your limitations. I cannot deconstruct music. I can’t choose clothes that go together without picturing those garanimal tags. I can figure out a lot of stuff just in my mind, such as numbers, some physics, law. Other things I can conceptualize but cannot execute well until I do it and screw up – the second time is always better with household repairs, car repairs, etc. I get there; it’s just a matter of being patient with myself.

So then you get people who are convinced of their intellectual superiority. They have the world by the balls. Then they do something stupid, and other people are materially changed through their arrogance which is followed by lies. Then you talk to them to try to understand, and they sputter, and lie more. Then the arrogance comes into full bloom like a rancid flower next to a thick green pond. Then the fake supplication. Then the continued fake supplication – and words mean nothing, only actions. So watch carefully, and you see the continued stupidity. And what pisses me off (yes, I am referring to a very specific situation in my life right now) is the continued collateral damage of which the person is too stupid to see. Telling them is pointless. I work incredibly hard not to turn full barrel and leave behind a charred hole. Humorously, the cranially vacant one thinks I already have. It is to laugh ruefully.

Liars. I detest liars on every level. I never forgive (that’s not a problem, is it?) and always filter every subsequent transaction for decades through those putrid waters. Ironically, I act spitefully, lying, too. I dwell in the brackish waters. I never trust again. Never. If you lie to me, then they are no longer any rules. Yes, the foundational lie needs to be fundamental. But once that floor has been compromised, the hole created is as if a claw-foot tub dropped through it from an upper floor, followed by my specious carpentry skills. The hole is, at best, repaired with a jumble of boards, overlapping haphazardly with darkness appearing through the many gaps. One cannot walk past the hole without consciously avoiding the space or tripping over a jutted-out board; to walk on those same boards is folly for now and evermore. I gather information slowly and patiently for years if necessary. I suspect the worst in every transaction, particularly when older paths are tread again. It is, perhaps, a deep character flaw in me. It is, equally, something I will never devote even a micron of effort to resolve. Never lie to me. I will never forgive you. Not in the ensuing hours, days, or decades. Until the day I die, I will never believe you, and will always assume the very worst in you. Always and, as they say, in all ways. The seed of distrust spawns a seed of hate. Regardless of subsequent interactions, those seeds are cherished and nurtured by me. Always and in all ways. It will never change, and I will gladly die a lonely and miserable death to maintain my own variant of arrogance. It requires no effort on my part – that’s the humorous aspect. It simply is as it is, like a drawing with a crooked line: drawings are not changed, merely observed; I am not the artist, just the patron; the artist’s portfolio will always contain that drawing, whether they claim it to be destroyed or not – it was within them at one time, and will always reside as a part of their talent set. Always and in all ways.

Loudmouth anything. Guess what? Illegal aliens are here illegally. They have violated the law the same as a thief. People die in wars. When folks join the military, they do so knowing and accepting the risks in return for remuneration – be it cash in hand, educational benefits, or lifelong healthcare. They are in a war theatre because they offered to go there and were trained to be there. You support the military – as long as they are not doing what they are trained to do? An abortion is either murder or the cessation of the autonomous subdivision of a mass of cells. I have my opinions; you are encouraged to have yours. Mine are informed to the level that is comfortable for me; I hope yours are the same. Mine are not printed on a sign that is carried in public, nor screamed at passersby, nor is my body interfering with the stream of commerce to get my point heard. I do not need your sign, voice, or body telling what your opinion is. I just don’t care. I bailed on news reporting because all they cover are idiots like you. It may be just my concentric world, but I have observed a direct and negative-slope relationship between your {ahem} “forceful” presence and your intelligence. Just – shut – up, and keep your face out of my face, your body off the bridge I am crossing (unless you’re a jumper), and your poor grammar to your home-bound scribblings. Don’t even get me started on actors and actresses that have a proclivity to memorize words written by someone else and to delivery those words with a proper range of affect provided someone is off-camera telling them what to do and, based upon the sharing of copyright royalties, think that somehow they possess opinions worthy of educating the masses. The only reason that they are not complete assholes is because there are obviously a few missing pieces. And this includes rock musicians, too. You made your money in music. We never paid you to tell us what you thought. So now that you don’t need our money any more doesn’t give you the right to use the stage we paid for to voice your opinion. Get out the guitar and perform, monkey boy – the rest is of no interest and just makes you look stupid.

Liars. Did I mention liars? Lemme check … oh yes, I did. Well, double it.

Sportcasters. How many times can they misapply the word “brilliant”? Look, pal, these athletes practice a lot. What they do on the field is muscle memory, with the rare exception of some quarterbacks and pitchers – but even they are mostly muscles remembering previous motions. It is all trained auto-pilot. Brilliant? Ever hear them talk? You associate “brilliance” with that? They make rap stars sound like accountants. I love sports, so I ordinarily mute the telecast and listen to music or silence. The overwhelming majority of athletes would be in prison if they didn’t meet the “physical freak” criteria. Most retired guys sell insurance or cars. Brilliant? C’mon. Just shut up and call the plays as they happen. And the very worst thing these clowns do is point out “celebrities” in the audience. Just frigging shoot me.

The list can go on … gonna bail for now. Probably to be continued …

how to avoid a speeding ticket

In my never-ending quest to remain uninformed concerning the news of the day, I was on ESPN’s site, looking at the NASCAR page to find race times, when I noticed what appeared to be a puke-orange Lamborghini in the bottom right. It sat above a text box that encased a few hyperlinks, the first of which read, “Ten ways to avoid a speeding ticket.” I never click on such links. My mind always drifts to the law days …

Pennsylvania. Only the State Police have the right to use RADAR, and locals must be formally granted the right by the State Police. Don’t hold your breath – hasn’t happened yet. So the locals use primarily VASCAR – push the button twice, machine computes speed based upon time to travel between two known points. (I hate VASCAR - my reaction time is about 0.250 seconds. If you compute a reasonable margin of error into the VASCAR calc, the resulting speeds are all over the map.)

RADAR and VASCAR both have recent calibration issues – R within 30 days, V has some time (forget, but uses two sunk pieces of metal in a road to start and stop). Both have a training requirement. You should always confirm the cop’s jurisdiction for the time and place of the observation. The list can go on – the real issue, however, is that the arresting officer has to testify truthfully, even if such testimony would mean the ticket is thrown out – and they all know the rules and the required words. (Did you ever hear a cop testify that he smelled “alcohol upon his breath and person”? Straight from the statute.) Do cops lie when they testify? About small stuff for which they believe that they cannot get nailed? Yes, of course, we all do. It is job preservation. About big stuff that ipso facto establishes guilt for a misdemeanor or felony? Only the assholes – and they are out there, but do not rule the day. Remember, a larger crime is prosecuted formally, the paperwork in guilty pleas sits in the DA’s office. Busting your sorry ass even though you are innocent is just not worth a cop’s career and pension – and those cops stupid enough to do it anyway get flushed out of the system after a while. Few bad cops make it to retirement, just like that saying, “there are old pilots, there are bold pilots, but few and old and bold pilots.”

Through all of my years of driving and then practicing law, I have, my faithful, determined the number one manner in which to avoid a speeding ticket. It is simple and elegant in its solution. It works in virtually every situation, and reflects the very best balance of risk and reward. It is, “do not speed.”

Sound too good to be true? Let’s look at it.

I was driving on a two-lane, double-yellow road a couple, two, three weeks ago. I was doing the speed limit, whatever it was – 45, 55. It was a rural highway. A guy had been behind me through some turns. He wasn’t riding my ass (that is a very dangerous thing to do – rage issue with me – I will endanger lives and property to make my point in such instances). The straight road opens and he zooms past me – turn signal used, cranking perhaps 70-75, and completely illegal.

Risk: Speeding greater than 20 MPH over speed limit. Passing outside an authorized zone. And end there – even though Careless Driving is possible to add. Let’s assume the ticket is a handful of points (around 4 – and in PA you get 6 before yanked) and $200. Honestly, I think the dollars are low.

Reward: The dude turned into some retail store parking lot up the road maybe half a mile from where he passed me. I counted time from the moment he pulled into the lot to the moment I passed the entry point: 4 seconds.

He risked $200 and gained 4 seconds. That is the equivalent of an hourly wage of $180,000. An hour. That’s $374.4 million a year. Wow. Of course, if he got nailed, he also risked those four seconds gained turning into 15 or 20 minutes lost.

Set aside money, and just look at time gained by speeding. Assume the speed limit is 65, you do 80, and the trip is 20 miles long. At 65, the trip would take 18.47 minutes; at 80, 15.04 minutes. These calcs ignore the effect of average speed, so let’s factor that in.

Assume that during 8 miles of the trip you have some traffic lights, getting up to speed, some clown in front of you preventing you from passing, some fricking disabled person crossing the street like molasses in a Vermont January (HONK! HONK!! “Move it, ya freak, can’t you see I’m in a hurry here?!?). You average 25 MPH during these stretches.

Time elapsed for 8 miles at 25 MPH and 12 miles at 65 MPH: 14.41 minutes
Time elapsed for 8 miles at 25 MPH and 12 miles at 80 MPH: 12.35 minutes

Reward, two minutes; risk, $200. You do the math.

Of course, all of this ignores reduced reaction time to unforeseen events, such as truly stupid people who do not know how to expertly maneuver a car like you in hyper-attentive situations, wild animals crossing the road, blown tires, and the occasional need to drive with your knees because the urge to masturbate becomes too great for you to ignore any longer.

If the risk/reward analysis needs further support, try this: tell me, precisely, with a straight face and open mind, just what the hell are you going to do with those 120 seconds that is so fucking important that you would increase the risk of my time on the roadway as you zoom past me? To put a point on it: WTF, A-hole?

I do smile, however, knowing that routinely driving at such speeds increases exponentially the likelihood of your traumatic death in the near-term or your shortened lifespan from various heart and circulatory issues in the long-term.

How to beat a speeding ticket: Don’t speed.

This concludes my public service announcement. I have to get a copy of this to my parole officer and see if it satisfies the requirement of the court (it’s something akin to when actors do PSAs such as, “Drugs are, um, bad for you. Don’t smoke crack. Keep it in powder form, mix it with a little speed, bang it … mmm! Oh, OK, take two, then, OK? Oh, we're up to take 97? That's pretty funny! You got film, right? Do you mind if I go use the restroom? I gotta, um, powder my nose.”). I got, like, EIGHT tickets since January. I am so screwed. This’ll work, though. Courts are stupid. I’ll just cut off the last part on the copy I give to them.

In a hurry – gotta go. You know, I still crack up at the look on the lady’s face when she had to literally pick up and swing her stroller out of the way of my oncoming car. Man, I bet there was more than one poopy butt to clean that day! Good thing I am such an excellent driver. Where did all of these pedestrians come from anyway? Ain’t nobody got a car anymore? Don’t people know roads are for us, and sidewalks are for them? It's like a rule, ain't it? Shouldn’t they stop giving out driver’s licenses as a gift when you open a Sear’s charge account? Isn’t there, like, an age when you can’t drive anymore – I mean, c’mon, this lady had to be 102. I could smell her decaying flesh as I deftly did that school-zone pass, just missing that crossing guard (talk about a pissed-off look! “Fuck you, lady, no kids here. What’re ya doing in the middle of the road?”). I’m special, my body chemistry isn’t like other people – I can drink 8 or 9 beers and drive just fine. In fact, I think I drive even better. Seems that I concentrate more. Pisses me off that I can’t afford some medical or scientific analysis to prove it, and so they lump me in with all those 0.08% DUIs. I wasn’t drunk! Hell, I was just getting started.

Alright, enough about me. How was your day?

royalism dick

Not sure if it is ever a good idea to click through on ads, but this was tucked in my gmail sidebar. It’s for ”Handy Spray” – a hand-held bidet. It’s a hose, people, a HOSE! And they want $30 to $60 for it. It’s a hose. A bidet is something the beautiful people use because they can’t deign to wipe their own ass, not unlike that nose freak Mrs. James “The Janitor” Brolin (who, btw, ranks a pic but not not a word – not even his name on Ms. Nostrils’ personal webpage bio. “Um, BS, baby, um, could you, um, maybe mention, um, you know, we’ve been that M-word for almost ten years. Um, maybe you could put my, um, my, um, my name in your bio – you know, just a passing mention, that’s all. Nothing big.” “WHHAAATT!! YOU FUCKING EGOMANIAC!! [TOSSED MING VASE CRASHES INTO HIS HEAD] GO CLEAN THE TOILET!! MAKE SURE THE ROSE PETALS ARE ALL FACE UP. Fucking dammit, just can hire good husbands anymore. What is wrong with the placement agency?”

I can’t believe that I am going to write about what I am about to write about. I am trying to decide whether to wretch or laugh. Ah, what the hell, let’s do it. This is so pathetic. I have to go put on a clean suit. Brb.

OK. Start here. Left side, reads, “Statements. Read the latest comments direct from Barbra.” Oh, God, clean suit bad idea. Vomit contained. Brb.

Click on “Statements” (man, I hate the chewy stuff left over from vomit. What was that? One sec … oh yeah, I had a bagel. OK.) Let’s see we have for “direct from Ba-ba-bar--” (Oh, God, this is bad. brb. … OK. Pasta for lunch. It was whole wheat penne in this fresh tomato sauce. Not bad.) Her first “direct statement” is interesting. Seems she uses the nom de guerre “Bob Herbert” when writing for the NYT. Let’s look for something which she had the masse testiculaire to publish under her own name.

Here we go, Republican Attempt to Steal California’s Votes. Sounds, um, enlarged-scrotum-ish. Let’s dive in.

Her first paragraph as presented: “Karl Rove may have resigned as the President’s chief strategist, but the dirty and secretive tricks that have characterized the Republican Party in recent years are still here to stay. Leading California Republicans are promoting a dishonest initiative that steals electoral votes from California, a democratic state. Republicans attempting to steal votes in a major election? This smells all too familiar.”

Her first paragraph, annotated: “Karl Rove (I read ahead, darlings – KR is not mentioned again. Use of his name is just a ploy to draw in a common audience – emphasis on “common”) may have resigned as the President’s chief strategist (his title was “Senior Advisor.” A campaign has a “strategist.”), but the dirty and secretive tricks that have characterized the Republican Party in recent years are still here to stay (as opposed to the dirty and secretive tricks that have characterized the Democratic Party?). Leading California Republicans are promoting a dishonest initiative that steals (to take and carry away the property of another with the intent to deprive permanently the holder of its possession) electoral votes from (the topic will become a reallocation; California will continue to have them, sweetums) California, a democratic state (as opposed to, the “socialist” state of __? And California is no more democratic than any other state – they are all representative democracies, buttcheeks; we don’t have democracies in America. The closest was the New Hampshire Town Hall system.). Republicans attempting to steal votes in a major election? This smells all too familiar.” (Why does it not surprise me that you would use an olfactory reference?)

Next paragraph, annotated (lost interest in wasting cyber-inches on both versions). “The initiative, crafted by a lawyer for the California Republican Party and member of the group misleadingly called "Californians for Equal Representation,” (as opposed to your several “Farewell Tours”?) proposes to divide (what happened to “steal” and take “from”?) California's electoral votes based on results in each congressional district, rather than award the entire 55 electoral votes to the winner of the statewide popular vote (funny, I haven’t been around politics for a while, but I recall Algore and his ilk proposing this). Proposed for the California ballot in June 2008, where voter turn-out is extremely low (so much for democracy in action), this initiative would essentially give the next Republican presidential candidate as many as 19 additional votes--almost equal to all the electoral votes from Ohio (20) and nearly all from Florida (27 – so that’s the difference between “almost equal” and “nearly all.” I was wondering. So, 2/3s is “nearly all.” OK. Why not Pennsylvania or Illinois, both with 21?)!”

Next: “For many voters, this initiative upon first glance seems logical and fair. (I am so glad that you are here to protect us from what seem logical and fair!) However, in the context of the rest of the country, where large red (oh, so this is a color thing? Since when do democratic principles get determined by current political winds? Sounds kinda unconstitutional.) states in particular (I repeat my last comment, deary, because your lack of commas offsetting the phrase “in particular” denotes its criticality to the sentence – so the issue is that it is a “blue” or “red” state. Got it.) would still award their electoral votes to the candidate who won the popular vote, this ballot initiative is completely imbalanced and undemocratic (Actually, it would more closely resemble a democratic system – one person, one vote. The inherent problem with the approach is that it would render smaller representative democratic states virtually unimportant as their electoral caches would be divided from five to ten down to just two or three at a pop. Politicians would ignore them completely.). There is no way this initiative would create a more fair and balanced voting system in our country, unless it was uniformly adopted by ALL states. (so this system is democratic if adopted everywhere, but not democratic if adopted by California. Can you say, non sequitur?)”

The rest of it (besides her links): “This initiative shines a glaring spotlight on Republican hypocrisy. Republicans want to continue the same winner-take-all system in other big states that they consistently win, like Texas and Indiana (Indiana? Indiana?!? It’s got 11 EVs, boxhead.). However, they want Democrats to share the electoral votes in California, a big blue state with the country’s most electoral votes. Democrats have been carrying California in recent elections. Even if Democrats were to win the state in 2008, Republicans would still get a substantial number of electoral votes under this new law (nearer thy god to thee).

“If passed, this initiative would make a democratic victory in any major election extremely difficult. We can not let the Republican Party pull the wool over our eyes and steal yet another election. (I actually teach Constitutional Law, and understand the attempt by Gore to steal the 2000 election by recounting only three counties – where W said, “count them all and you have a deal.” Gore said, “no.” SCOTUS said, simply, “No, Gore, you cannot compel a localized recounting when the entire state’s EVs are at stake. That steals votes from the uncounted counties” And everyone knows that the entire state was recounted privately and W won it. So where was the theft? You people suck at history.)”

One last “Statement,” wherein she strongly recommends two books: “I would like to strongly recommend these two books by John Nichols:

“The Genius of Impeachment: The Founders' Cure for Royalism Dick: The Man Who is President (Dick Cheney)

“They both address important issues regarding holding our leaders accountable for their actions.” (Verbatim, folks. Complete and unedited. Four words, full colon, six words, full colon, seven words. I shudder to think what “Royalism Dick” is. Sounds bad.)

I can’t do this any more. I have to shower, then hook up the hose and bidet myself.

the bad in "bad predictions"

I am somewhat reluctant to even write this post, let alone publish it. I found an article, the “Top 87 Bad Predictions about the Future”. I enjoyed reading it, but let’s retitle it, “Top 85 …”

It’s a good list except for the two political cracks. George the Elder “no new taxes” completely blows off the fact that the dems in Congress blatantly and publicly lied to set him up. They said the increases in taxes would be offset by decreases in spending, and the margin would dollar-for-dollar reduce the deficit. It was a political trade in the best interests of the country. Geo the Elder bit – then the dems bailed and crucified him. Not only did they not reduce spending, they increased it. A-holes top to bottom. The other crack is about Iraq and WMDs. Everyone thought – including Clinton – that they were there. We all had evidence they were there (just ask the Kurds), the UN required proof of destruction, and Iraq refused entry to sites to allow us to prove out their words – yeah, the Iraqi government lied plenty of times before, so they had no veracity on this topic. So this statement by Franks is on par with the rest of the list – space travel, light bulbs, television? I really detest political and social agendas buried in otherwise worthy reading. Childish of them. Degrades their work.

I’ll press ahead anyway because I am … um … me. Screw ‘em. Ain’t no lib with a sign that reads, “Bush lied and people died” gonna take away my fun. How’s this for a sign, “I have my head stuck so far up my ass that I can fart out my ears.” What a copy? Establish your lib credentials to me and I will have the sign made and shipped to you.

Onward.

«I see no good reasons why the views given in this volume should shock the religious sensibilities of anyone.» Charles Darwin, in the foreword to his book, The Origin of Species, 1869. Actually, I agree with him. It was not his work, but the abuse of it that has caused such turmoil. His work speaks only of evolution, not a word about creation. He can write all he wanted to about apes-to-men, but there was no fossil record of it and he admitted the same. He did say it existed, but just hadn’t been found. That was his scientific mistake. He should never speculate. Not good science. He found evidence of intra-species evolution and should have limited his speculation. Oh well.

«They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist-» Last words of Gen. John Sedgwick, spoken as he looked out over the parapet at enemy lines during the Battle of Spotsylvania on May 9, 1864, then promptly took a fatal shot. Here’s the full story: His corps was probing skirmish lines ahead of the left flank of Confederate defenses and he was directing artillery placements. Confederate sharpshooters were about 1,000 yards away and their shots caused members of his staff and artillerymen to duck for cover. Sedgwick strode around in the open and was quoted as saying, "What? Men dodging this way for single bullets? What will you do when they open fire along the whole line? I am ashamed of you. They couldn't hit an elephant at this distance." Although ashamed, his men continued to flinch and he repeated, "I'm ashamed of you, dodging that way. They couldn't hit an elephant at this distance." Just seconds later he fell forward with a bullet hole below his left eye. – Bet that left a mark, eh, John?

«... good enough for our transatlantic friends ... but unworthy of the attention of practical or scientific men.» British Parliamentary Committee, referring to Edison's light bulb, 1878. Ironic that the symbol for having an idea is now a light bulb above a head.

«There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.» Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp. (DEC), maker of big business mainframe computers, arguing against the PC in 1977. This caught my attention because I graduated high school that year. About six years later I bought my first home computer. I wonder if the statement is given more weight than he meant. It could have just been some marketing territory thing, a put-down of an upstart competitor.

«Lee DeForest has said in many newspapers and over his signature that it would be possible to transmit the human voice across the Atlantic before many years. Based on these absurd and deliberately misleading statements, the misguided public ... has been persuaded to purchase stock in his company ...» a U.S. District Attorney, prosecuting American inventor Lee DeForest for selling stock fraudulently through the mail for his Radio Telephone Company in 1913. What amazes me is when people think outside their profession. I understand the drill – for some trial work, I had to prepare to go (and did) toe-to-toe with docs and other professionals, attacking them in their field of expertise. But here, raising money to conduct scientific inquiry does not seem to rise to the level of a crime. It could have all been in the delivery – “I guaranty this can happen. Your returns on these investments will be no less than six-fold.” Those statements would be worthy of indictment, but would not make good fodder for a bad-quotations list.

«Space travel is utter bilge.» Richard Van Der Riet Woolley, upon assuming the post of Astronomer Royal in 1956. ”Bilge” is such a great word. American Heritage provides the following: “1. The rounded portion of a ship's hull, forming a transition between the bottom and the sides. The lowest inner part of a ship's hull. 2. Bilge water. 3. [Slang] Stupid talk or writing; nonsense. 4. The bulging part of a barrel or cask.” I am singularly unsatisfied with this list of definitions. The slang doesn’t seem to have a basis in the rest. Here’s the etymology: c. 1513, "lowest internal part of a ship," also "the foulness which collects there," variant of bulge "ship's hull." Ah, that makes sense. It is “stupid talk” as in “foul words.” So I wanted to see when the guy died (December 24, 1986) to get a lift out of what he saw in his lifetime, and I found the complete quote: "It's utter bilge. I don't think anybody will ever put up enough money to do such a thing . . . What good would it do us? If we spent the same amount of money on preparing first-class astronomical equipment we would learn much more about the universe . . . It is all rather rot." Ah, while there is a history in the guy (in 1936, reviewing P.E. Cleator's "Rockets in Space", he also said, "The whole procedure [of shooting rockets into space]...presents difficulties of so fundamental a nature, that we are forced to dismiss the notion as essentially impracticable, in spite of the author's insistent appeal to put aside prejudice and to recollect the supposed impossibility of heavier-than-air flight before it was actually accomplished"), the “bilge” quote seems to be taken out of context. I am becoming less enamored with this “list” as I go.

«A rocket will never be able to leave the Earth's atmosphere.» New York Times, 1936. Back on track. Nothing like the stupidity of the NYT on display to brighten my spirits. Commercial: “I read the NYT because it gives me a view of the news not available anywhere else.” Yes, but the problem with the “view” is that the sources are specious, the writing usually opinion appearing off the op-ed pages, and they have this kiss-my-ass attitude about anyone that differs with their world view. While I don’t mind, as a general statement, a KMA attitude, I do mind when it is them because, well, they are them. Know what I mean? They can kiss my ass.

«Atomic energy might be as good as our present-day explosives, but it is unlikely to produce anything very much more dangerous.» Winston Churchill, British Prime Minister, 1939. Fundamental problem: A politician speaking not of politics, but of science. Shudder.

«A man has been arrested in New York for attempting to extort funds from ignorant and superstitious people by exhibiting a device which he says will convey the human voice any distance over metallic wires so that it will be heard by the listener at the other end. He calls this instrument a telephone. Well-informed people know that it is impossible to transmit the human voice over wires.» News item in a New York newspaper, 1868. Is this the NYT incognito?

«Rail travel at high speed is not possible, because passengers, unable to breathe, would die of asphyxia.» Dr Dionysius Larder (1793-1859), professor of Natural Philosophy and Astronomy, University College London. [I had to correct the spelling of his first name from the source post.] It seems the comment was related to an assessment of a plan to have the government fund the construction of a broader gauge railroad track. An informative bit: “Brunel himself suggested that the opinions of other engineers should be sought and he was unlucky enough to be saddled with a Dr Dionysius Lardner who displayed a remarkable talent for drawing incorrect conclusions from observed data. Lardner attributed the poor performance of the company's best engine to the excessive air resistance of the wide locomotives and concluded that the broad gauge was inherently inferior. However, Brunel and Gooch found that it was back pressure due to misalignment of the blast pipe orifice and not air resistance which was the cause. After some hasty modifications to the engine they were able to haul nearly three times the load on but one third of the fuel used in Lardner's tests.” So, the statement was an extension of his (albeit incorrect) conclusion based upon observed data. Not as egregious as presented.

«The idea that cavalry will be replaced by these iron coaches is absurd. It is little short of treasonous.» Comment of Aide-de-camp to Field Marshal Haig, at tank demonstration, 1916. But, sir, when you hit the tank with a bullet, it goes “tink!” as opposed to the “ooooff!” you get from a horse or rider!

«Fooling around with alternating current is just a waste of time. Nobody will use it, ever.» Thomas Edison, American inventor, 1889 (Edison often ridiculed the arguments of competitor George Westinghouse for AC power). There are many quotes by Edison that I have read over the years of this ilk. The boy seems to have been a singularly disagreeable fellow. I suspect he was widely disliked by all but his fellow megalomaniacs of the time.

Alright, I’m done. But I did learn something … on balance, the article wasn’t fair. Oh well. Good thing I don’t pay for column inches.

rambling rose

I really like being a doctor, but in a lot of ways it makes me feel dirty, so I am going to take come time off from the practice. Why does it make me feel dirty? Well, first it just does. All that pus and oozing and white trash with mouth sores, but beyond the tossing and turning to nightmares about talking to these people in a small room and smelling them, it came home to me this morning when I checked my site meter. Somebody from Madrid searched “anal” and got me. They didn’t just “get me” – I got the number one spot. Just, yuk. I figure if I leave the incoming case studies as unread e’s, it’ll be like cryogenic storage or something and nobody will die. They can talk to Uncle Walt’s head over there in Vault MM. I do have that “alien in the butt” case to resolve, though. I already opened that e, so it’ll be like two-week expired tofu in another couple of days.

I read on some blog that Paris says that she that is going to be cryo’d so that she can come back to blow some future guy in whatever passes for the front seat of a car. I think someone needs to tell her that people have, like, looked into the future and, like, everything gets cured but face lines and age spots. I mean, like, everything! No more big butts, that c-word … censored … no … commercial … no … ca-ca-canber – cancer! That’s it. That gets cured, too. But, like, it’s really bad because everybody gets cured of all these horrible diseases and, like, conditions but all that means is that they live to be old people. And, like, since face lines and spots couldn’t be cured, the old people look like old people. So what happens is that, like, beautiful people, like Paris is right now – just so awesome, pristine, like a Greek goddess – are, like, these big prizes. They get stuff all the time. People just love them. It’s like everybody is an illegal working for granddaddy’s hotels or something. So, like, my point is that if she waits, if Paris waits to get cyro’d and she’s got these lines and spots, too, then she’ll wake up as the hotel staff, and the only blowjobs she’ll be giving will be to other hotel staff in, like, hotel rooms that somebody else slept in the night before. That can’t happen! Not to Paris! Somebody needs to tell her. She has to cyro right now while she is still so beautiful and pretty. And what would be really fun, and somebody needs to tell her this, too, is that she should get all of her best friends cryo’d at the same time. They could wake up, like, a billion years from now, and start out a new life with the coke she stashed in her jeans, and then she could take her friend’s hand and go find a car. Somebody please tell her! Please!

I’ve mentioned it before, but I enjoy reading the posts on totally unauthorized. I wish she would add me to her blogroll – I mean, like, have I got to beg? I am not beneath that by any measure, but it would be nice to be asked to grovel. btw, I like to be kicked but not spit at. Spitting is gross, generally. Well … OK, I better stop.

I play houseboy today. Laundry, dishes, maybe I can get one of the minions to vacuum. My daughter is real good about helping. Does it without being asked. Penn State plays Ohio State tonight. All the ESPN guys say Ohio State will trample them. It is to laugh. Or cry. It’s OK, though, I have alcohol somewhere.

I detest the news in any form. The TV is never on when I am alone in the room. I stay away from news sites. Here’s another example of why: Apple is stupid. Always was. It sat back and held its source code from developers while Microsoft did the exact opposite. The result was an industry replete with Microsoft applications, and cute little programs for Apple. Apple can be innovative, but so can an idiot savant locked in a padded room. So here is Apple saying no cash and limit of two iPhones to deter resellers. Deter? I got the phone in my hands. I am going to resell it. Doesn’t matter to me if it is on a card or with cash. So I leave the money in the bank and give you a debit card. WTF? How does your system deter resellers? Unless, of course, this is an illegal alien thing. The market where people are hacking iPhones and reselling them is not concentrated in the illegal alien population. Dumb. And look here to see the future: Nextel is unlocking its phones. It’s another losing battle, Apple, of which you find yourself on the wrong end (again). Got a product? Sell it for more than it cost you to bring to market. End of story. Stop the social engineering. You suck at it.

It has been raining for a few days. Reminds me of living in California, but without the illegals on every street corner hawking hacked iPhones. Supposed to stop raining around 11:00AM. Whatever.

I like rain. Closes me in. I am a quiet person when I’m alone, and I am alone often. I used to flip whenever I was in the company of anyone so that they could be entertained. I broke that habit over the past couple of years. So I am much more quiet all the time, except for work things. They expect vibrancy, so I fulfill their expectations. The majority of my work, however, is at home. I get my phone calls, my dozen or two of e’s each day, but the majority of what I do is creating words and data. I hope this phase doesn’t end soon. I like being alone. I rarely go out of the house. I drove to the store two days ago, I think it was. Few groceries. I never go to restaurants anymore except when I am on the road. Quiet times for me. I like it. A lot.

i be a doctor!

One thing I love about the internet is that you can be anybody you want to be. I don’t mean like the 58 year-old perverts that pretend to be teenagers “just looking for someone to talk to, that might like me for who I am” (ironic, eh?) For those guys, I laugh my ass off when they show up in Denny’s parking lot with a case of Viagra and case of condoms, big jar of body lotion, rope, and video equipment, get busted, and say, “I was just showing up to tell her how dangerous it is to meet people on the internet.” “Tell her”? More like, “Show her,” eh Perv? I know a lot of guys in prison – mean guys – piss-your-pants-when-they-walk-in-the-bar-and-glance-your-way guys. All Perv gets there is, “You better lather up bobo good in your mouth, so it rams more easily into your ass.” Ah, poor baby!

So anyway, I got all these sites that somehow or another – for the life of me I don’t know how or why think I am a doctor! I mean, go figure, eh? Me? A doctor? I went to law school. Don’t need no job where I have to put my finger in someone’s ass. I’d rather clean out their wallet without touching their privates, thank you very much.

One site that thinks I am a doc is eMedicine.com. Every once in a while I get these case studies e’d to me. They call them … wait for it … “eMedicine Case Studies.” Now there’s a large dose of marketing angle all bundled up into a catchy name.

So this latest one is called, “A Toddler With Fever and Abdominal Tenderness.” I get pics and facts, and have to guess what the problem is. I get a hint, too! A hint? WTF? Doctors get hints? Can you imagine me in my law office, “Sounds like you have a big issue here. You may have a case. Can you give me a hint as to what kind?” Must be nice to work in a profession with hints …

So we get three pics, X-Rays it seems to me, an untrained-yet-apparently-licensed doctor. Let’s look at the first one.


Ah, we have the word, “Upright” and the letter, “R” on it. Must be clues. Tucked away on the upper-right side (you may need to click the pic to see it larger), it reads, “Abdomen with Upright.” Hmmm … abdomen with upright. “Upright” must be a thing. Like, “Abdomen with Dog.” What’s an “upright”? Maybe it’s a tool of some kind, a doctor tool. This is interesting! What’s this?!? Below the tool name it reads, “8/31/2005.” This X-Ray is old! How can I do my job with old information? No wonder MedMal rates are so high. They use information that is over two years old to diagnose something in my in-box today! I am appalled! I might resign from the Medical Board! Send a nasty letter to the Chief Whatever They Call Him or Her at the hospital. It is to laugh. Fine. You know what? I will persevere in the face of adversity – in the face of incompetency – and solve this case. Let’s look closer at that X-Ray thingey.

Seems kinda hollow up top. That’s weird. Might be a problem. Better write that down. “Patient presents hollow top as she/he holds Upright tool.” Making progress.

The kid seems all kinda milky white in the lower half. Marked difference from the hollow top. “Patient presents half-full lactose container in lower half as he holds Upright tool.” I like being a doctor! I’m like really good at it.

Now, in the milky stuff (I’ll try to keep the technical jargon to a minimum. You’re welcome.) there seems to be holes, and then something pointing at them. See it? Left to right. Holes. What could the holes be? Think outside the box, Dr. Clyde. Think, think, think. Maybe they are not holes at all! Ah ha! Maybe they are not holes at all! Maybe, now follow me here, maybe they are the opposite of holes! Like something Stephen Hawking would say about something in space: Maybe the holes are actually the substance! They are like balls and that pointy thing is a cue stick! I GOT IT! The kid is a problem masturbator and he’s playing pocket pool!

Ta da! Case solved. I am soooo good at this doctor thing.

Wait. Can’t rush into a diagnosis. Let’s count the horizontal thingeys that look like spare ribs. Well, I see … ok … one minute. OK, well, the kid could still be playing 9-ball, but if he’s that into pocket pool his dick is pretty high up there. Whoa, Nellie, this boy must be hung like a horse!

We need more data. Let’s go to the 2d pic.


Looks like the milk spilt. Just can’t get good techs these days. Amazing. There’s that pool stick again. Look at those things standing up at the bottom, running the full length of the X-Ray. “Patient presents sticky things,” no wait, “stick-like th—“ snap Damn! Pencil broke. One sec. OK. “Patient presents a series of apparent hard substrate thingeys that resemble rowing boat oars along the entire length of X-Ray. NOTE TO STAFF: Be sure the spilt milk is cleaned up. It’ll stick to somebody’s ass in a day or two and that is all I need is to stick my finger into a sticky ass.”

What else can we learn? Well, if you turn it 90 degrees CCW, it looks like a clown with a stick in his eye. “Note to self, get milk and bread on the way home.”

OK, that’s all here. Last pic coming up.


What the hell is that? Looks like something you’d see in war room of a 3d world country as it is planning an invasion of the neighboring country’s rice paddies. Must be misfiled. Let’s move onto the facts they give us.

“BACKGROUND” (That’s a good way to start. Maybe this will explain how we got the rice paddy picture in with our medical files.)

A 14-month-old boy is brought to the emergency department (ED) (ED? Erectile Dysfunction? You see, they’re thinking a “pocket pool” diagnosis, too) by his parents for an evaluation of persistent fever, vomiting, and diarrhea that has lasted for 3 days. (The kid’s barely a year old, ralphing for three days, and now you bring him in? Where’s Social Services? Do that hall? 3d door on right? Thank you.) The mother states that the child was examined by his pediatrician 2 days before (likely story. CYA. lying bitch.) this presentation for a “viral illness“; however, the child has appeared increasingly ill since then(I’m sure he has, ma’am. Let’s take a look. Oh, I think those folks with the clip boards and hemorrhoids want to talk with you.). He has become irritable, and he has been minimally active and feeding poorly. He has had a normal stool output and appearance, as well as normal urination frequency. The parents deny (deny, deny, deny, white trash) observing a runny nose or any coughing, wheezing, or stridor in the patient. The child lives at home with his parents, he is not in day care, and he has had no contact with people who are sick. (More like, “No contact with the outside world so we can watch him puke for three days.)

On physical examination, the boy is crying, fussy, and poorly consoled (that’s because he doesn’t have the speech skills to say, “get me the fuck out of that house! They’re crazy). His vital signs include a rectal temperature of 101°F (38.33°C) (you see, docs are all “rectal” this and “rectal” that – no thank you), a respiratory rate of 32 breaths/min, a blood pressure of 98/56 mm Hg, and a heart rate of 168 bpm. His oxygen saturation is 100% while he is breathing room air (as opposed to the closet air he breathes when Jim-Bob and Thelma-Lou go bowling?). The patient’s weight is 22 lb (10 kg). Palpation reveals diffuse abdominal tenderness without rigidity or guarding. The patient has diffusely hypoactive bowel sounds (I’m telling you, that ain’t no bowels – it’s a pool table). His stool is negative for occult blood. The rest of the physical findings are otherwise unremarkable (except for the fact that his 14-month old dick is longer than his left leg).

Conventional abdominal radiography and computed tomography (CT) scanning are performed (see Images (yeah, thanks, did it. including the misfiled one.)). The laboratory investigation reveals the following results: white blood cell (WBC) count, 19.4 × 109/L, with a predominance of neutrophils; hemoglobin, 8.4 g/dL; hematocrit, 26.6%; platelets, 310 × 109/L; sodium, 136 mmol/L; potassium, 3.8 mmol/L; chlorine, 105 mmol/L; CO2, 20 mmol/L; blood urea nitrogen (BUN), 6 mmol/L; creatinine, 17.7 µmol/L (0.2 mg/dL); and glucose, 4.1 mmol/L (73 mg/dL). The urinalysis shows trace ketones, but the results are otherwise normal. (I learned a long time ago that if Word underlines something in red, it means that it isn’t important. About half this paragraph is underlined – so just ignore it.)

What is the diagnosis? (Problem masturbator with abnormally large dick.)

“HINT” (Here we go. The cheating profession.)
The patient’s symptoms developed approximately 2 days after the mother dropped a box of pins on the carpet at home. (Social Services!!!)

A “hint”? You call that a “hint”? Why not give a map to the treasure with a big red X on it, a geo-thing-a-ma-bob that tells you where you want to go, and a fist full of McDonald’s coupons?

“ANSWER” (Well, this oughta be incredibly reduncant. See “hint.”)
Appendiceal perforation by a foreign body (a pin) (oh!): A foreign body was easily apparent on conventional abdominal radiographs in the right lower quadrant (it’s a pocket-pool cue stick, thank you very much). CT scanning (I didn’t see no CT Scan. They hiding information?) of the abdomen and pelvis revealed a radiopaque pin and a multiloculated fluid collection at the level of the L5 vertebra. The prominent bowel loops superior to the pin likely represented focal ileus. (Those last two sentences are all underlined in red by Word – meaningless.)

Ingestion of foreign bodies is relatively common among pediatric patients, who account for approximately 80% of cases. Most objects pass spontaneously; only 1% of all foreign body ingestions require surgical intervention. Among adults, foreign body ingestions most frequently occur in patients with psychiatric disease or in those with a potential secondary gain. (That’s a good story.)

Management of cases of foreign body ingestion depends on the type of object ingested. (Duh!) The objects most commonly ingested are coins, buttons, parts of small toys, pins and thumbtacks, and disk-shaped batteries. For known ingestion of nontoxic, smooth, or small objects, management is conservative because approximately 80-90% of these foreign bodies spontaneously pass though the GI tract without causing harm.

Initial radiographic localization and serial abdominal radiography should be performed every 24-48 hours (and people wonder why insurance rates are so high – Swallowing a pin: $2.00 a dozen. Two X-Rays: $795.00. Taking a picture of my shit as it flows through my system every one to two days: Priceless!) to monitor the progression of the object until it is passed in stool. Foreign bodies may lodge at any site in the GI tract, but most often they lodge at anatomic sphincters (sounds like something that would invade Earth), sites of previous surgery, or areas of narrowing or acute angulation, where they tend to cause obstruction or perforation. The esophagus has several sites of potential obstruction (yadda, yadda, yadda – does this ever end?), and perforation at these sites is a particular concern because the rates of related morbidity and mortality are high. The complications of foreign bodies in the esophagus include mediastinitis, lung abscess, pneumothorax, and pericarditis. (red, red, red) Approximately 90% of foreign bodies that reach the stomach pass through the remaining GI tract. Most smooth objects pass within the normal bowel transit time.

(OMG, Shut up already!) Because of the high risk of intestinal perforation, urgent intervention is indicated for all patients who have ingested a long, thin, sharp, or stiff foreign body that fails to progress through (oh wait, I can shut them up! I forgot.) …

So what did they do for the problem masturbator?

A laparotomy, drainage and excision of an intra-abdominal abscess, as well as an appendectomy and removal of the foreign body, were performed. The appendix was 4.3 cm, and a metallic pin was found piercing the bowel wall. The histology revealed acute serositis with fibrinopurulent exudates in the lumen and on the serosal surface of the appendix.


YOW! They took out the boy’s gizzard! Damn! And they got his Pocket-Pool Cue Stick, too! I always wondered what those things looked like. Neat.