how to avoid a speeding ticket

In my never-ending quest to remain uninformed concerning the news of the day, I was on ESPN’s site, looking at the NASCAR page to find race times, when I noticed what appeared to be a puke-orange Lamborghini in the bottom right. It sat above a text box that encased a few hyperlinks, the first of which read, “Ten ways to avoid a speeding ticket.” I never click on such links. My mind always drifts to the law days …

Pennsylvania. Only the State Police have the right to use RADAR, and locals must be formally granted the right by the State Police. Don’t hold your breath – hasn’t happened yet. So the locals use primarily VASCAR – push the button twice, machine computes speed based upon time to travel between two known points. (I hate VASCAR - my reaction time is about 0.250 seconds. If you compute a reasonable margin of error into the VASCAR calc, the resulting speeds are all over the map.)

RADAR and VASCAR both have recent calibration issues – R within 30 days, V has some time (forget, but uses two sunk pieces of metal in a road to start and stop). Both have a training requirement. You should always confirm the cop’s jurisdiction for the time and place of the observation. The list can go on – the real issue, however, is that the arresting officer has to testify truthfully, even if such testimony would mean the ticket is thrown out – and they all know the rules and the required words. (Did you ever hear a cop testify that he smelled “alcohol upon his breath and person”? Straight from the statute.) Do cops lie when they testify? About small stuff for which they believe that they cannot get nailed? Yes, of course, we all do. It is job preservation. About big stuff that ipso facto establishes guilt for a misdemeanor or felony? Only the assholes – and they are out there, but do not rule the day. Remember, a larger crime is prosecuted formally, the paperwork in guilty pleas sits in the DA’s office. Busting your sorry ass even though you are innocent is just not worth a cop’s career and pension – and those cops stupid enough to do it anyway get flushed out of the system after a while. Few bad cops make it to retirement, just like that saying, “there are old pilots, there are bold pilots, but few and old and bold pilots.”

Through all of my years of driving and then practicing law, I have, my faithful, determined the number one manner in which to avoid a speeding ticket. It is simple and elegant in its solution. It works in virtually every situation, and reflects the very best balance of risk and reward. It is, “do not speed.”

Sound too good to be true? Let’s look at it.

I was driving on a two-lane, double-yellow road a couple, two, three weeks ago. I was doing the speed limit, whatever it was – 45, 55. It was a rural highway. A guy had been behind me through some turns. He wasn’t riding my ass (that is a very dangerous thing to do – rage issue with me – I will endanger lives and property to make my point in such instances). The straight road opens and he zooms past me – turn signal used, cranking perhaps 70-75, and completely illegal.

Risk: Speeding greater than 20 MPH over speed limit. Passing outside an authorized zone. And end there – even though Careless Driving is possible to add. Let’s assume the ticket is a handful of points (around 4 – and in PA you get 6 before yanked) and $200. Honestly, I think the dollars are low.

Reward: The dude turned into some retail store parking lot up the road maybe half a mile from where he passed me. I counted time from the moment he pulled into the lot to the moment I passed the entry point: 4 seconds.

He risked $200 and gained 4 seconds. That is the equivalent of an hourly wage of $180,000. An hour. That’s $374.4 million a year. Wow. Of course, if he got nailed, he also risked those four seconds gained turning into 15 or 20 minutes lost.

Set aside money, and just look at time gained by speeding. Assume the speed limit is 65, you do 80, and the trip is 20 miles long. At 65, the trip would take 18.47 minutes; at 80, 15.04 minutes. These calcs ignore the effect of average speed, so let’s factor that in.

Assume that during 8 miles of the trip you have some traffic lights, getting up to speed, some clown in front of you preventing you from passing, some fricking disabled person crossing the street like molasses in a Vermont January (HONK! HONK!! “Move it, ya freak, can’t you see I’m in a hurry here?!?). You average 25 MPH during these stretches.

Time elapsed for 8 miles at 25 MPH and 12 miles at 65 MPH: 14.41 minutes
Time elapsed for 8 miles at 25 MPH and 12 miles at 80 MPH: 12.35 minutes

Reward, two minutes; risk, $200. You do the math.

Of course, all of this ignores reduced reaction time to unforeseen events, such as truly stupid people who do not know how to expertly maneuver a car like you in hyper-attentive situations, wild animals crossing the road, blown tires, and the occasional need to drive with your knees because the urge to masturbate becomes too great for you to ignore any longer.

If the risk/reward analysis needs further support, try this: tell me, precisely, with a straight face and open mind, just what the hell are you going to do with those 120 seconds that is so fucking important that you would increase the risk of my time on the roadway as you zoom past me? To put a point on it: WTF, A-hole?

I do smile, however, knowing that routinely driving at such speeds increases exponentially the likelihood of your traumatic death in the near-term or your shortened lifespan from various heart and circulatory issues in the long-term.

How to beat a speeding ticket: Don’t speed.

This concludes my public service announcement. I have to get a copy of this to my parole officer and see if it satisfies the requirement of the court (it’s something akin to when actors do PSAs such as, “Drugs are, um, bad for you. Don’t smoke crack. Keep it in powder form, mix it with a little speed, bang it … mmm! Oh, OK, take two, then, OK? Oh, we're up to take 97? That's pretty funny! You got film, right? Do you mind if I go use the restroom? I gotta, um, powder my nose.”). I got, like, EIGHT tickets since January. I am so screwed. This’ll work, though. Courts are stupid. I’ll just cut off the last part on the copy I give to them.

In a hurry – gotta go. You know, I still crack up at the look on the lady’s face when she had to literally pick up and swing her stroller out of the way of my oncoming car. Man, I bet there was more than one poopy butt to clean that day! Good thing I am such an excellent driver. Where did all of these pedestrians come from anyway? Ain’t nobody got a car anymore? Don’t people know roads are for us, and sidewalks are for them? It's like a rule, ain't it? Shouldn’t they stop giving out driver’s licenses as a gift when you open a Sear’s charge account? Isn’t there, like, an age when you can’t drive anymore – I mean, c’mon, this lady had to be 102. I could smell her decaying flesh as I deftly did that school-zone pass, just missing that crossing guard (talk about a pissed-off look! “Fuck you, lady, no kids here. What’re ya doing in the middle of the road?”). I’m special, my body chemistry isn’t like other people – I can drink 8 or 9 beers and drive just fine. In fact, I think I drive even better. Seems that I concentrate more. Pisses me off that I can’t afford some medical or scientific analysis to prove it, and so they lump me in with all those 0.08% DUIs. I wasn’t drunk! Hell, I was just getting started.

Alright, enough about me. How was your day?

the bad in "bad predictions"

I am somewhat reluctant to even write this post, let alone publish it. I found an article, the “Top 87 Bad Predictions about the Future”. I enjoyed reading it, but let’s retitle it, “Top 85 …”

It’s a good list except for the two political cracks. George the Elder “no new taxes” completely blows off the fact that the dems in Congress blatantly and publicly lied to set him up. They said the increases in taxes would be offset by decreases in spending, and the margin would dollar-for-dollar reduce the deficit. It was a political trade in the best interests of the country. Geo the Elder bit – then the dems bailed and crucified him. Not only did they not reduce spending, they increased it. A-holes top to bottom. The other crack is about Iraq and WMDs. Everyone thought – including Clinton – that they were there. We all had evidence they were there (just ask the Kurds), the UN required proof of destruction, and Iraq refused entry to sites to allow us to prove out their words – yeah, the Iraqi government lied plenty of times before, so they had no veracity on this topic. So this statement by Franks is on par with the rest of the list – space travel, light bulbs, television? I really detest political and social agendas buried in otherwise worthy reading. Childish of them. Degrades their work.

I’ll press ahead anyway because I am … um … me. Screw ‘em. Ain’t no lib with a sign that reads, “Bush lied and people died” gonna take away my fun. How’s this for a sign, “I have my head stuck so far up my ass that I can fart out my ears.” What a copy? Establish your lib credentials to me and I will have the sign made and shipped to you.

Onward.

«I see no good reasons why the views given in this volume should shock the religious sensibilities of anyone.» Charles Darwin, in the foreword to his book, The Origin of Species, 1869. Actually, I agree with him. It was not his work, but the abuse of it that has caused such turmoil. His work speaks only of evolution, not a word about creation. He can write all he wanted to about apes-to-men, but there was no fossil record of it and he admitted the same. He did say it existed, but just hadn’t been found. That was his scientific mistake. He should never speculate. Not good science. He found evidence of intra-species evolution and should have limited his speculation. Oh well.

«They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist-» Last words of Gen. John Sedgwick, spoken as he looked out over the parapet at enemy lines during the Battle of Spotsylvania on May 9, 1864, then promptly took a fatal shot. Here’s the full story: His corps was probing skirmish lines ahead of the left flank of Confederate defenses and he was directing artillery placements. Confederate sharpshooters were about 1,000 yards away and their shots caused members of his staff and artillerymen to duck for cover. Sedgwick strode around in the open and was quoted as saying, "What? Men dodging this way for single bullets? What will you do when they open fire along the whole line? I am ashamed of you. They couldn't hit an elephant at this distance." Although ashamed, his men continued to flinch and he repeated, "I'm ashamed of you, dodging that way. They couldn't hit an elephant at this distance." Just seconds later he fell forward with a bullet hole below his left eye. – Bet that left a mark, eh, John?

«... good enough for our transatlantic friends ... but unworthy of the attention of practical or scientific men.» British Parliamentary Committee, referring to Edison's light bulb, 1878. Ironic that the symbol for having an idea is now a light bulb above a head.

«There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.» Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp. (DEC), maker of big business mainframe computers, arguing against the PC in 1977. This caught my attention because I graduated high school that year. About six years later I bought my first home computer. I wonder if the statement is given more weight than he meant. It could have just been some marketing territory thing, a put-down of an upstart competitor.

«Lee DeForest has said in many newspapers and over his signature that it would be possible to transmit the human voice across the Atlantic before many years. Based on these absurd and deliberately misleading statements, the misguided public ... has been persuaded to purchase stock in his company ...» a U.S. District Attorney, prosecuting American inventor Lee DeForest for selling stock fraudulently through the mail for his Radio Telephone Company in 1913. What amazes me is when people think outside their profession. I understand the drill – for some trial work, I had to prepare to go (and did) toe-to-toe with docs and other professionals, attacking them in their field of expertise. But here, raising money to conduct scientific inquiry does not seem to rise to the level of a crime. It could have all been in the delivery – “I guaranty this can happen. Your returns on these investments will be no less than six-fold.” Those statements would be worthy of indictment, but would not make good fodder for a bad-quotations list.

«Space travel is utter bilge.» Richard Van Der Riet Woolley, upon assuming the post of Astronomer Royal in 1956. ”Bilge” is such a great word. American Heritage provides the following: “1. The rounded portion of a ship's hull, forming a transition between the bottom and the sides. The lowest inner part of a ship's hull. 2. Bilge water. 3. [Slang] Stupid talk or writing; nonsense. 4. The bulging part of a barrel or cask.” I am singularly unsatisfied with this list of definitions. The slang doesn’t seem to have a basis in the rest. Here’s the etymology: c. 1513, "lowest internal part of a ship," also "the foulness which collects there," variant of bulge "ship's hull." Ah, that makes sense. It is “stupid talk” as in “foul words.” So I wanted to see when the guy died (December 24, 1986) to get a lift out of what he saw in his lifetime, and I found the complete quote: "It's utter bilge. I don't think anybody will ever put up enough money to do such a thing . . . What good would it do us? If we spent the same amount of money on preparing first-class astronomical equipment we would learn much more about the universe . . . It is all rather rot." Ah, while there is a history in the guy (in 1936, reviewing P.E. Cleator's "Rockets in Space", he also said, "The whole procedure [of shooting rockets into space]...presents difficulties of so fundamental a nature, that we are forced to dismiss the notion as essentially impracticable, in spite of the author's insistent appeal to put aside prejudice and to recollect the supposed impossibility of heavier-than-air flight before it was actually accomplished"), the “bilge” quote seems to be taken out of context. I am becoming less enamored with this “list” as I go.

«A rocket will never be able to leave the Earth's atmosphere.» New York Times, 1936. Back on track. Nothing like the stupidity of the NYT on display to brighten my spirits. Commercial: “I read the NYT because it gives me a view of the news not available anywhere else.” Yes, but the problem with the “view” is that the sources are specious, the writing usually opinion appearing off the op-ed pages, and they have this kiss-my-ass attitude about anyone that differs with their world view. While I don’t mind, as a general statement, a KMA attitude, I do mind when it is them because, well, they are them. Know what I mean? They can kiss my ass.

«Atomic energy might be as good as our present-day explosives, but it is unlikely to produce anything very much more dangerous.» Winston Churchill, British Prime Minister, 1939. Fundamental problem: A politician speaking not of politics, but of science. Shudder.

«A man has been arrested in New York for attempting to extort funds from ignorant and superstitious people by exhibiting a device which he says will convey the human voice any distance over metallic wires so that it will be heard by the listener at the other end. He calls this instrument a telephone. Well-informed people know that it is impossible to transmit the human voice over wires.» News item in a New York newspaper, 1868. Is this the NYT incognito?

«Rail travel at high speed is not possible, because passengers, unable to breathe, would die of asphyxia.» Dr Dionysius Larder (1793-1859), professor of Natural Philosophy and Astronomy, University College London. [I had to correct the spelling of his first name from the source post.] It seems the comment was related to an assessment of a plan to have the government fund the construction of a broader gauge railroad track. An informative bit: “Brunel himself suggested that the opinions of other engineers should be sought and he was unlucky enough to be saddled with a Dr Dionysius Lardner who displayed a remarkable talent for drawing incorrect conclusions from observed data. Lardner attributed the poor performance of the company's best engine to the excessive air resistance of the wide locomotives and concluded that the broad gauge was inherently inferior. However, Brunel and Gooch found that it was back pressure due to misalignment of the blast pipe orifice and not air resistance which was the cause. After some hasty modifications to the engine they were able to haul nearly three times the load on but one third of the fuel used in Lardner's tests.” So, the statement was an extension of his (albeit incorrect) conclusion based upon observed data. Not as egregious as presented.

«The idea that cavalry will be replaced by these iron coaches is absurd. It is little short of treasonous.» Comment of Aide-de-camp to Field Marshal Haig, at tank demonstration, 1916. But, sir, when you hit the tank with a bullet, it goes “tink!” as opposed to the “ooooff!” you get from a horse or rider!

«Fooling around with alternating current is just a waste of time. Nobody will use it, ever.» Thomas Edison, American inventor, 1889 (Edison often ridiculed the arguments of competitor George Westinghouse for AC power). There are many quotes by Edison that I have read over the years of this ilk. The boy seems to have been a singularly disagreeable fellow. I suspect he was widely disliked by all but his fellow megalomaniacs of the time.

Alright, I’m done. But I did learn something … on balance, the article wasn’t fair. Oh well. Good thing I don’t pay for column inches.

Newspaper clippings

I love being taken advantage of. My car needed service – new clutch. Should have been $600+. Came back as $1800+. They replaced everything between the tranny and the engine. I had an extended warranty. The dealership – not where I bought it which was an hour away – denied that I said anything about a warranty. What, I have to tell you? Well, I did, and they immediately danced into this local-only application. I got the original dealership tied in now. They confirmed that I am covered. They local dealership is now lying. Gonna be fun. I can smell blood. I just want my money back. Was saving for a couple of things important to me.

My latest favorite site is this webcam in South Africa. It’s a water hole in a wildlife refuge. The refuge itself is pretty cool - check it out here. There’s two water buffalo at the hole now. I was watching, with my twin, some buzzards feasting the other day. Yesterday, the hyenas took over on whatever carcass was there. The evening shots – it’s US ET + 6 hours – are like chewing aspirin … just the hole, but with the occasional monkey screech as a layer on top of the birds. At least the evening shots are aided with an infrared. During the day, they pan the camera to the “action” areas.

Here’s a novel idea: Humming Bird webcam. Yeah, two words – humming bird. There is nothing there right now, but it would be cool, I think, to watch birds humming. Do their lips move?

Here’s a good starting point to viewing all sorts of webcams. All clean.

I just learned something outrageously cool! Go here and plug in my url – http://myaisling.blogpspot.com. It seems that the People’s Republic of China has banned my website! Fuck ‘em. I hate their food anyway. Makes me sweat and never fills me up. What the hell is a “poo poo platter” anyway? Some inside joke?

Section 4.4 of this wiki gives a host of ways to get around it.

(Yeah, I know, it is not me that is blocked – but all of blogger – shut up .. give me this moment!)

The urban landscape – pics of abandoned shopping carts.

Years ago, in my I’m-a-lawyer phase, I had a Palm handheld thing to track addresses and calendars. That was when laptops weighed more than a gallon of water and their fans sounded like jet engines. Half the use was in a seated position, former colon fully engaged, playing games. Dope Wars was one of my favorites. Buying and selling heroin, coke, speed, pot. Reminded me of college. My high score was something out of sight – like $54 million. I found a version for my laptop. Only played once. Has more drugs. First game was $6.3 million.

Here’s a site I am just starting to review. Seems to be factual stories about interesting and obscure topics. The first couple of stories held my interest.

The watering hole is empty and has been for the last five checks. Crunch, crunch, crunch.



Make your own newspaper.

I’m done for now.

crossing the unarmed

What an interesting evening! Naw, no details. Best kept close. Suffice to say that I got to exercise my deepest cross-examination skills. Sometimes I really miss the courtroom.

I read Welling’s Cross-Examination, a classic from the 1940s, and Cornelius’ Trial Tactics from the same era. Good books, but such structure! Trial work is meant to evolve in front of you as an artist uses color – you don’t use red here to balance the yellow other there. That’s an insult to the creation. Ask a sculptor what that slab is going to be, and she will tell you, “I don’t know yet. It hasn’t revealed itself to me.”

That is trial work. All the preparation is just to ensure that you have a full palette with which to create. Let the trial reveal itself. DAs and USAs are asking questions and getting answers, but the infliction in the witness’ voice, the cast of the eyes, the involuntary body movements are what give depth to the testimony. Who cares if the poor bastard has hemorrhoids? He looks uncomfortable in the witness chair, so turn that to undermine his credibility. Such physical unease surely belies a moral unease with his words given under oath. Primary colors are for pussies.

I recall a trial where a cop knew she was looking bad. I had her original report, her previous testimony, and a map. I saved the map, didn’t even show it for the first half of cross. Then I brought it out. She looked at it with disdain, as if it were a prop. I loved that map. I took her step by step through everything she wrote and said. Little tiny itzy bitzy piece by little tiny itzy bitzy piece. I knew before I set her up during the first part of cross that I had her nailed. As the map came out, and I started to pull the threads together of everything she had committed to into this wonderful mosaic, she knew she was looking bad. So bad, in fact, that she began to make stuff up. I smiled sooo big!

I didn’t have to call a recess. I looked at the DA and he did! By the end of the day, the DA had withdrawn the charges and referred the issue of the cop’s testimony to the AG’s Office for a perjury investigation. A week later, the jurisdiction that employed the cop had issued a check to my client for all of my legal fees, including the cost of the map.

My client – who I knew from high school – was clearly guilty. No doubt in anyone’s mind. He walked to recidivate on another day! What a great country! I still have that map somewhere.

I remember a story, a true story, about Abraham Lincoln from his trial days. He represented a railroad in a wrongful death case. He had the night watchman on the stand – a friendly witness. He asked him if he had seen the soon-to-be decedent on the tracks. He agreed that he had seen the man walking towards and then on the tracks. He was asked if he shouted to him. He said that he had shouted to him, but that the noise of the trains cloaked his screams. Did he try to get the man’s attention in any other manner, came the next inquiry. Yes, the night guy said, he waved the lantern to and fro – it was the only other means available. The train was reversing and it was not possible to get the horn to sound in time. It seems the man did not respond to the waving lantern and was promptly made one with the tracks underneath the train. The night watchman’s testimony stood well under cross.

Outside the courtroom, after a verdict for his client, Lincoln was asked about the night guy’s testimony. “It’s a good thing that on cross-examination,” Lincoln said, “that opposing counsel did not ask if the lantern was lit.” Gotta love Abe.

Cross is just the coolest thing. I should read some of Gerry Spence’s books. Good man, great attorney.

of lawyers and other whiners

Vladdie Putin is sooo funny. Reagan’s dream of a missile-defense system is in the deployment stage. So, Vladdie is in full temper tantrum mode. An article a few days ago read that Vladdie claimed he could get around the system. In the link above, he is saying he’ll just have to select targets in Europe. Wait, if he could get around it, then why would he need to change targets?

I remember when the Strategic Defense Initiative was publicly proposed. The libs called it “Star Wars.” Said it wouldn’t work, was nothing more than a pipe dream. This is, boys and girls, I was close to the programs in the early 1980s. They had been in development for years before Reagan publicly announced the initiative. They were already off the drawing board and into prototype mode. The development now has Vladdie stomping his feet and holding his breath. If he wasn’t worried about it, he would be encouraging its deployment or staying silent.

If you ever want to know how scared someone is, listen to the empty threats they toss around. I almost feel sad for the guy. Must be frustrating to have your entire offensive arsenal rendered useless overnight.

After a critical assessment, I have been determined to be most like the disease rabies (so is my daughter!) What disease are you?

The Beatles have launched a new site dedicated to Sgt. Pepper. June 1, 2007, marked 40 years since its release. What I find very telling is that John’s voice is not among the snippets of discussion on the site – Paul, George, RIngo, George Martin – but no John. Rather underscores the a-holic nature of Yoko.

OK, I suck at true math. I can do financial analyses, but I don’t speak algebra too good. So where’s the error?

a + b = c
4a - 3a + 4b - 3b = 4c - 3c
4a + 4b - 4c = 3a + 3b - 3c
4(a + b - c) = 3(a + b - c)
4 = 3

I am thinking that I am headed back to practicing law – learning too harrowingly that the corporate world has little interest in buying the cow when it can have the milk for free. Found this cartoon. I better print it out to remind me that I have some old skills to recall and new proclivities to dampen.



My main practice area was criminal law. My teaching since was in criminal justice. I think a future practice for me will be in criminal appellate work. Found a couple more humorous cartoons on point:



Bye for now ...