words to (in)action

Just writing. No thoughts as I type. We’ll see where ADHD takes us.

Basketball season started tonight. I detest basketball. It isn’t the game, per se, it’s the players. Just a bunch of highly focused egomaniacs. Too much money and too little brains. I remember a comic 20 or 30 years ago that did a bit about alternative careers if sports or acting was not available (read, "income greatly disproportional to effort). He was an impersonator-type guy – did Kirk Douglas saying, “You want fries with that?”

So LA is probably going to get Joe Torre. That’s a good thing. They’ll get Don Mattingly in the deal. One manager for 4 years or so, then another for 10 of more. You’re welcome. It’d be nice if Marino Rivera went, too. Stocking the left coast with some good Yankee talent. Somebody somewhere is turning in their grave as the Bronx Bombers start to shift talent to the Brooklyn Dodgers. Somebody somewhere is also paying off an old debt. Muscle memory kicks in a bit because I lived by SF for so long. We used to sit in the stands at Candlestick and taunt Tommy Lasorda. We hated LA. But SF sucks. And I warmed up to LA when they warmed up to Pat O’Reilly. NY and LA seem to have this symbiosis that I can accept.

Enough sports.

I was drifting around the net and found something called The Ultimate Final. A lot of the other stuff on the page was hit or miss, but this bit was humorous …

Instructions

Read each question carefully. Answer all questions. Time limit: 4 hours. Begin immediately.

History. Describe the history of the papacy from its origins to the present day, concentrating especially but not exclusively, on it social, political, economic, religious, and philosophical impact on Europe, Asia, America and Africa. Be brief, concise, and specific.

Medicine. You have been provided with a razor blade, a piece of gauze, and a bottle of Scotch. Remove your appendix. Do not suture until your work has been inspected. You have fifteen minutes.

Public Speaking. 2500 riot-crazed aborigines are storming the classroom. Calm them. You may use any ancient language except Latin or Greek.

Biology. Create life. Estimate the differences in subsequent human culture if the form of life had developed 50 million years earlier, with special attention to its probable effect on the English parliamentary system. Prove your thesis.

Music. Write a piano concerto. Orchestrate and perform it with flute and drum. You will find a piano under your seat.

Psychology. Based on your knowledge of their works evaluate the emotional stability, degree of adjustment and repressed frustrations of each of the following: Alexander of Aphrodites, Ramses II, Gregory of Nicea, Hammurabi. Support your evaluation with quotations from each man's work, making appropriate references. It is not necessary to translate.

Sociology. Estimate the sociological problems which might accompany the end of the world. Construct an experiment to test your theory.

Engineering. The disassembled parts of a high-powered rifle have been placed on your desk. You will also find an instruction manual, printed in Swahili. In ten minutes a hungry Bengal tiger will be admitted to the room. Take whatever action you feel appropriate. Be prepared to justify your decision.

Economics. Develop a realistic plan for refinancing the national debt. Trace the possible effects of your plan in the following areas. Cubism, the Donatist controversy, the wave theory of light. Outline a method for preventing these effects. Criticize this method from all possible points of view. Point out the deficiencies in your point of view, as demonstrated in your answer to the last question.

Political Science. There is a red telephone on the desk beside you. Start World War III. Report at length on it socio-political effects, if any.

Epistemology. Take a position for or against truth. Prove the validity of your position.

Physics. Explain the nature of matter. Include in your answer an evaluation of the impact of the development of mathematics on science.

Astronomy. Define the universe. Give three examples.

General Knowledge. Describe in detail. Be objective and specific

There’s another line on the site that I am going to use sometimes: The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets. Words to live by. It’s followed (in the Corporate America section) with, There is always one more imbecile than you counted on. Man, ain’t that a statement we’ve all proven out countless times.

One final bit from the Laws of Combat, but could just as well be in the Corporate America section: If the enemy is in range, so are you.

So I’ve been trying in some ways, marginally so, without much diligence, perspective, or commitment, to put things into perspective in my life. It’s tiring, even debilitating, to go from one fire to the next. There must be some respite out there. Planning, anticipating, avoiding the easy problems would change so much. Ah, fuck it. It’s tough being us, eh?

I need to stop writing now because I feel a bad flip coming. Look out, fire in the hole!!!

Hi, my name is Clyde. I'm left-handed.

I always note how many left-handed people are in a group. I was training faculty yesterday in New England – seemed to be at least three out of 25. Could have been more, but that exceeds the 10% in the general population, particularly when you add me. Four out of 26 is 15%. (I’ve seen general population numbers claiming that we be up to 25%, but I have never encountered anything close to one in four – and I’ve been looking!)

The most obvious mark is choice of hand in writing. Something I use that seems highly reliable but not foolproof is placement of jewelry on wrists and fingers. You people put your watch on your left wrist; we reverse it, generally. T’aint much more annoying than writing with a watch on the same wrist – gets caught on everything and makes noise. The same logic extends to bracelets and rings.

I’m the only left-hander up and down my genetic pool for one generation – that’s three generations inclusive. I am told that one other person – maternal grandmother’s twin brother – was left-handed, but that is it for that generation on both sides. So four generations yielded two people. Pretty small harvest.

I should be on the Endangered Species List. I wonder if I can get a National Park Ranger to follow me around in bars and arrest people with whom I get into fights. I could be entry #1239 on the Endangered Species List (Animals). I’d be classified under “Vertebrate Animals: Mammals,” in this species list. I would be among such animals as the Chinese alligator, giant sable antelope, African wild ass, the Mexican grizzly bear, and the koala. Pop quiz: Why are all of these animals endangered? Because they taste good.

The Delta (CA) Smelt is on the list. I think I remember that on the menu when I lived in California. Guess it was pretty popular! It’s all in the preparation: hot pan, little EVOO and garlic, very light breading, squeeze a freshly cut lemon over them when you plate on a bed of arugula, and be sure to have a thinly sliced and warmed sourdough on the side.

Isn’t putting the Brazilian three-toed sloth on the list a contradiction? I thought all these bleeding hearts were God-less in the sense that Darwin knows better how all this evolution thing works and that ain’t nuttin been “created.” Let’s set aside the patent illogic of the position: Darwin wrote of evolution – one thing became another – which presupposed the existence of that “one thing.” Creationism says, “here is where that one thing came from.” The two positions have nothing to do with one another. Besides that, not a shred of evidence exists for macro-evolution – species to species, only micro – intra-species. Don’t get me started on irreducibly complex systems and Darwin’s own renunciation of his theory.

Where was I? Oh, yeah, the three-toed sloth is stupid and ugly. It deserves to become extinct. Just like the guy that zoomed past me yesterday at 95 MPH yesterday on Route 95 in NY in some car held together by duct tape. The whine of his engine made me think of a lawnmower about to go super nova – or a Viagra-induced pocket rocket cranking into its fifth hour. The only question in my mind was whether I would see the guy and the “car” a few miles down the road in a thousand pieces none bigger than a softball or something vaguely resembling an Uncle Buck pancake. Fortunately, I exited to the Tappen Zee Bridge; I dislike seeing survival of the fittest in action.

So the bleeders in this world create the Endangered Species List and mess with Darwin, yet we can’t pray before a football game – go figure.

Here’s a great fact: In 2007, researchers discovered LRRTM1, the first gene linked to increased odds of being left-handed. The researchers also claim that possessing this gene slightly raises the risk of psychotic mental illnesses. The principal researcher? Clyde Francks. A coincidence? There is no such thing as coincidences, just unknown connections.

Now, what the hell is this crack about “psychotic mental illness”? WTF do they think they are talking about? I get so fricking angry when people think they can much broad statements – because they are jealous, yeah, that’s right, JEALOUS - just because I can use my left hand like a standing-erect homo sapien! You people are pathetic. Condemning someone because of an immutable characteristic. It’s ok to be gay; it’s ok to be a heroin addict or an alcoholic; it’s even ok for Johnny to have his dick surgically removed so he can become Joan. But, hey, pick up a pen with your left hand and you’re labeled psychotic! F*CK YOU PEOPLE! A**HOLES!! YOU CAN KISS MY A**! HERE! JAMMIES DOWN, BENT OVER! KISS IT! NOW!!! PECKERHEAD! I HATE YOU, WITH A WELL-CONSIDERED DEEP LOATHING, I JUST HATE YOU. HERE’S MY LAWNMOWER, A ROLL OF DUCT TAPE, AND A MAP – GO FIND AN INTERSTATE! IF I'M PSYCHOTIC THEN I WANT A HANDICAP LICENSE PLATE SO I CAN ENTER AND EXIT QUICKLY AND YOU PEOPLE WON'T HAVE TO LOOK ME! WHERE'S THE PHONE BOOK? I WANT TO CALL MY CONGRESSMAN!

I have to take my meds. I’ll be right back.

Alright, better. It’s a pretty day outside, isn’t it? I love how flowers look in early fall. So soft and cuddly! I want to nap in them. I’ll get my stuffed mouse and blankey later, and use the flowers as my pillow and dream of clouds and the Moon and walking on the beach. Smile soooo big!!!!

So 92% of left-handers use their left hand to hold their toothbrush. I’ve hurt my left hand and had to use the other one – felt like someone was cramming something into my mouth with all the grace of a speed boat chewing up a three-toed sloth. Almost a third of us use scissors with the wrong hand – I am not included in that group of traitors. But a good point is made – society makes its tools for wrong-handed people: Scissors, watches, can openers, even the angle on spatulas. Here’s a good source for thoughtfully designed items. Do you realize tape measures are wrong-handed? Think about it. You designers are a bunch of pricks. I better double up on my meds. brb …

Smile.

I lifted this text from here: “Some researchers claim that we are more intelligent and eloquent that our right-handed counterparts. In tests conducted by Dr. Alan Searleman from St Lawrence University in New York, he found that left-handers can be considerably more intellectually gifted.

“There were more left-handed people with IQs over 140 than right-handed people – which is the ‘genius’ bracket. This is perhaps why there are more ‘lefties’ in creative professions – such as music, art and writing – and more left-handed astronauts and leaders than would be expected.”

More – on an absolute basis – lefties than wrongies with high IQs. Interesting. Let’s presume “more” is 6 out of 10. I found this reference to IQ frequency: 1% are 135 or over. “135” is close enough to “140.”

Assume a general population of 1,000 people: 100 are left; 900 are wrong; 10 are “genius.” (You following me? Able to keep up? Maybe there’s a left-hander around that could help you.)

If 60% of the 10 are left, that is 6 geniuses in the left-handed population; the wrong group is the remaining 4. (Still with me?)

6 out of 100 base left population are geniuses, or 6%. 4 out of the 900 base wrong population are geniuses, or 0.4%. So, we are 13.5X more likely to be … well, I hope even you can figure out the end to that sentence.

Kinda explains the crack about there being a “fine line” between genius and insanity, eh? I got no problem with that. Let me know if I need to explain to you. Who you labeling with that word “insanity”?

Some interesting people that were correct-handed: Napoleon, Julius Caesar, Alexander the Great, Joan of Arc, Aristotle, Nietzsche, Ramses II, Queen Victoria, Helen Keller, Thomas Jefferson, Winston Churchill, Euell Gibbons (the “many parts of the pine tree are edible” guy who died of a heart attack at age 64; guess there’s more cholesterol in trees than is generally reported), and me. Another list: Billy the Kid, John Dillinger, the Boston Strangler, and Jack the Ripper. My homies. Bad-ass boys just acting out. I bet if there were more thoughtful household-product designers through history, these guys would not have been angry. Think about it. All Jack ever wanted was to do was to pick up a surgical instrument that cut from right to left. Simple. But, noooo! Just can’t design it that way, can we? You people think we have forges to create our own stuff! You make me sick. I would just as soon ta … MEDIC!

Mmmm. Much better. I’ve never tripled up on my meds before. This could get interesting.

Did you see that? It was purple. Had yellow spots. It looked right at me and smiled. Does it know something? Why would it smile at me? Wait a sec … what? What did you say? No, I am not hungry right now, but thank you. Alright, I will. I guess a banana sounds good. Would you like one? Here you go. Oh, let me open it for you. I am sorry that I didn’t see your lack of arms. Yes, it is good. I am so glad you sugges …. Zzzz zzzz zzzz …

{Sniff}, {cough}, {hick-up}, {burp} Oh, hey, I’m back. Must have dozed off for a second. Where was I?

Remember the 10% of the general pop that is left-handed? It seems that 25% of the general pop that s-s-s-st-stut-ters is l-l-left h-ha-handed. I am included in that group. I used to stutter involuntarily a lot. I thought it began when I was five years old and got run over by a bus in Scranton – well, not run over, the clown hit me and I flew some distance. It was 1964 or 1965. He carried my unconscious body into my house, gave me to the biological fount, and left – “Sure am sorry, ma’am. Hope your boy is ok.” “B-b-b-bye, M-m-mr. B-b-b-bus D-dr-driver. T-t-th-thanks f-f-f-for h-h-it-ting m-m-me.” I use stuttering purposefully now when I speak in front of crowds; it tends to interrupt people’s wanderings – they refocus on me. I still stutter involuntarily, but only when my emotions are crushed and my lifeless heart is left for dead.

I shouldn’t overlook the basic stuff: a left-handed person has the right hemisphere of their brain control their intellectual processes; a wrong-handed person has the left hemisphere dominate.

The left hemisphere (yous guys) has a unique functional profile. Sequential Analysis: systematic, logical interpretation of information. Interpretation and production of symbolic information: language, mathematics, abstraction and reasoning. Memory stored in a language format.

The right hemisphere (us) has its functional profile. Holistic Functioning: processing multi-sensory input simultaneously to provide "holistic" picture of one's environment. Visual spatial skills. Holistic functions such as dancing and gymnastics are coordinated by the right hemisphere. Memory is stored in auditory, visual and spatial modalities.

So I see the world in intellectual 3D. Must suck to be you.

I’m gonna sit back and construct a model in my head to minimize line loss in the transport of electricity to remote areas – I am curious whether utilizing thermal protections naturally occurring three to six feet underground will have a statistically significant impact vis-à-vis running conveyance media above ground. I would think that increased installation costs would be offset by decreased maintenance. What's the breakeven for loss recapture to make this worthwhile? I've always thought that low-voltage thermal tape can be a net gain - what if you moderated the temperature inside the encasement to even 40 degrees F? You could balance depth (and initial cost) of installation with low-voltage thermal supplementation. I think roadways should be contructed with the same ability to heat above freezing - easy enough to make the flows sufficiently redundant to handle frost heave and other movement. Think of the saved costs in property and humans from removing the variable of ice from roadways. Let me think of this some more - why don’t you lean forward, pick up the remote with your right hand, and watch some TV?

Just … can’t … help … yourself, … can … you? … See … below.

helpful tips from your uncle clyde

I have always wondered about obsessive behavior. I don’t mean the good kind – like washing your hands 50 times or watching the clock tick second-by-second for 47 minutes (that’s 2,820 seconds; I know, I’ve sat with someone that did it because someone said they’d be home and weren’t). I mean the Einstein statement of insanity – doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result – type of obsession.

A person returns time and again to a rock. The rock is lifted, and perhaps the viewer expects to be comforted or, worse yet, knows he or she will be repulsed. Yet that person cannot stop him- or herself. Wherever their sojourn, they walk to the rock, lift it, and peer downward intently. They even know the burrows of the ground and what lay within them. Yet they cannot stop. Soon, they realize that the sojourn from which they deviated was designed to be sure that the rock was a part of it.

That is the bad kind of obsession.

If a person has the bad kind of obsession, it is time to stop looking at other people as the problem or the source of their ills. It is time to look inward. Yes, such an obsessed person really is that fucked up. Yes, those around him or her are right.

When that person can walk past the rock without even realizing it was there, then they are on the road to recovery. That’s a long way from present-day obsession. It is even further when one realizes that a rock so easily found cannot be every rock. There must be (and are) other rocks. And if the other rocks are not so easily found, it must be for a reason. The burrows under those rocks must be repulsive indeed! Bad obsession leads to paranoid delusions.

But never, ever forget: just because a person is certified “paranoid” (stamped ticket and all) has absolutely no bearing on the accuracy or inaccuracy of the assertion that people are, in fact, watching him or her.

If you think the former applies to you, jot down these DSM IV references: 300.3 Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, and 301.4 Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder.

Here’s your diagnostic criteria:

Marked inflexibility and preoccupation with orderliness, perfectionism, and mental / interpersonal control, as indicated by at least four of the following:

Marked preoccupation with details, lists, order, organization, rules, or schedules.

Marked perfectionism that interferes with the completion of the task.

Excessive devotion to work.

Excessive devotion and inflexible when it comes to ethics, morals, or values.

Can not throw out worn-out, useless, or worthless objects, with no sentimental value.

Insist others work or do task exactly as they would.

View money as something to hoarded.

Stubborn and rigid.

If you think that the latter also applies, also write down: 301 Paranoid Personality Disorder.

Here are your diagnostic criteria for this, um, situation:

Marked distrust of others, as indicated by at least four of the following:

Believes without reason that others are exploiting, harming, or trying to deceive her / him.

Unjustified doubts about a friends / associates loyalty or trustworthiness.

Believes with out reason that if she / he confides in others, this information somehow be used against her / him.

Finds hidden demeaning or threatening meanings in harmless remarks or events.

Unforgiving and bears grudges.

Believes with out reason that people are out to attack his / her character or reputation and is quick to react with anger.

Believes with out reason in the fidelity of their sexual partner.

When it comes to treating 301-PPD, I am fond of a transactional approach.

Specifically, transactional analysis focuses on the clients cognitive and behavior functioning. The therapist helps the client evaluate their past decisions and how those decisions affect their present life. They believe self-defeating behavior and feelings can be overcome by an awareness of them.

The therapist believes that the client’s personality is made up of the parent, adult, and child. They believe that it is important for the client to examine past decisions to help their make new and better decisions.

The transactional approach is also available for treatment of the OCs, but I personally prefer pharmacotherapy (better living through chemistry).

I hope this has been helpful.

idjit 4 wrent

When I was in Philadelphia the other day, and we were having lunch, someone mentioned about the fires in Greece being suspected terrorism. I don’t read the news. I shun every news source. I actively avoid learning anything about the news. It is a shame about the fires. I hope not too many people suffered. I surprised they didn’t blame it on the Turks. There historically has been such a complex hatred between the Turks and the Greeks.

“D-dd-d-do-ddo-o-o-d-doo.” Slow down. Form lips like an “O” with straight sides. “Do-ddo-ddooo-og—ga-e. Doggie! L-l-l-o-oo-k-ee at t-th-the pret-tee dogg-gie!”, whereupon having said that successfully, I am given an ice cream cone.

My kids and the live-in started K12 today. Seems like a well-structured program, although they are not fully organized yet – missing some books and a computer, the online assembly crashed, and a whole course is missing (being the one needed to explain online learning!). Besides that, running smoothly. 2,104 students in Pennsylvania. That’s a lot. Where’s my boy’s IEP?

I am interested to watch how they do things since I am knee-deep in designing a distance-learning school. The requirements are different for post-secondaries, but there should be something to learn. I want to see how they handle student services. Any idiot can design a course and keep a student occupied, but keeping the cats herded when they are restless can be more demanding. I think I will wait a week, and then raise hell over the lack of an IEP to see what structures they have in place. I’ll bring up the GED issue after that, but I’ll wait a month. It’s like probing an enemy’s defenses to find its weakness, but in a benevolent way.

My twin told me today that if I were a parent of one of her students, she would pass me off onto another teacher. I was somewhat taken aback by that comment. I thought she would be more dedicated to doing a good job. Hmphf!

I got a brochure in the mail today from Rent Mother Nature. I am not quite sure what to make of it. The concept is that you “lease” a cow or maple tree or lobster trap, etc., and you get to receive the cheese, syrup, or lobsters produced therefrom. (NOTE: “Therefrom” is not a word, but it should be) For example, for $49.95 you lease a branch on a cocoa tree. They harvest about three pounds, process it as either baking or drinking cocoa (your choice), and they mail you your product. Three pounds for $50. That’s $16 a pound. Is that a good price? You get a whole tree for only $59.95, but it only yields about five pounds. Must be not quite two producing branches on a tree. Didn’t know that.

So here’s the lobster trap deal: The Lease program includes: / A beautifully designed & personalized (parchment-look) lease document that is sent to your recipient. / An announcement folder (inscribed with your gift message) that describes the many benefits of your gift. / An entertaining & informative progress report (& an optional photo) to keep them up-to-date on aquaculture. / The Lobsters are delivered to the recipient's door on the date they request. / Satisfaction & bountiful yields are guaranteed. / We do all the work and you get all the raves (while helping support America's fishermen).

For $200, you get the above happy shit and at least 7-1/2 pounds of lobster. For $200. $200. $100 + $100 = $200. For $200, I could – literally – drive the eight hours to Maine, find some roadside stand, buy 10 pounds, and drive home. And still have enough money left over for a case of beer.

Better yet! For $170 you can get four dozen oysters. Man.

Nice concept. Woefully yuppie. But I could rent a sheep! Now, that co--- … oh. You get the fleece. I thought you got t---, and then you could say to the sheep, “who’s your daddy?” and then, well, um ... Nevermind.

I got a yard someone could lease. I would send pics to people in NYC. $69 a season. If I sell a bunch I will mow, then rake, then shovel, and whatever I am supposed to do in the spring. Maybe I could lease my dog, and I will be contractually bound to walk it. That’s an idea. I wonder if the National Association for the Blind would sell their membership list? I betcha there are a lot of guys that would love to help support my car as I drive around. They can’t anymore, and it seems to be the least I could do (in fact, it is the least I could do – seems pretty frickin’ cold, actually). I do all the docs in Braille. I could narrate a video. $69 a season. $169 if they want me to drive with the windows down. I think we might have something here – niche markets for leases.

You in prison or otherwise out of the Yankees marketplace? Send me $10 and you can lease me to watch the game for you! I’ll send you a quick note afterward, along with some press clippings. You’ll have the pleasure of knowing that someone is watching the game live on your behalf. I’ll put your name along with the rest of the f’g idiots that sent me $10 on a sheet of paper next to me. I’ll occasional insert your name in sentences like, “Wow, {you}, did you see that play?” and “Yo, {you}, wanna a beer? Good, get me one while you’re up.”

You shake your head. I’m telling you, if you packaged that idea right, there are enough idiots in this world to make you rich. Ten to fifteen people per game, $10 a game, 162 games – that’s upwards of $24,000 a year. You can watch 5 or 6 games in a day with MLB and multiple sets. That’s over $120,000 a year. Grow it to 100 people a game, and you crack $1,000,000. A hundred people out of 300,000,000 in the US alone. I haven’t met everyone in the United States, but I have met a hundred people stupid enough to buy into this idea. Imagine if you tapped into … oh, I better stop here. This is a gold mine! I better not publish this until I investigate it further. OK. [Ctrl]-A, [del]. Whew! Almost gave away the farm!

I better go before someone reads my mind. I left my tinfoil downstairs. I thought I wouldn’t need it anymore today since the voices quieted down.

Deviance vs. Nonconformity

There is a difference between nonconformity and deviance. Nonconformity = cartoons, freedom of expression; deviance = criminal behavior. (Yeah, I teach criminal justice – I know, cut me a break, I’m making a point here. See the post or two below this one.) Below is a collection of deviance. Way beyond nonconformity. We learning anything yet? Pay attention. There will be a quiz.

Dude kills a 15 year old for walking on his lawn. Seems a little extreme.

The guy’s just a harmless panty sniffer. But, pal, 1,300 pairs! What’re thinking, buddy? Like to wear things that make you feel pretty? Somebody had to count these. Do you get hazard pay for that? Bet the cop union missed that potential when they negotiated the contract.

This is the true menace in society: men posting as sick boys on the net to get girls to send sexually explicit pics. 12 to 14 year olds? Dude, they are way cuter at 18 and up. C’mon, you’re 31! What is wrong with you?

He shot the cable guy? And it wasn’t even because he violated the, “I’ll be there between 8 and 12” rule by showing up at 2. He shot him because his own television set wasn’t cable-ready. Man. We need a little love here, people.

“I got an idea, honey, let’s fake our daughter’s kidnapping and get back at my sister and ex-girlfriend.” “Yeah, good plan.” “Yeah, I know we don’t live together, you and me, but we can make this work. We’ll put some of her school papers in their yard. Nobody’ll suspect anything.” Unspoken in the story, it seems, that maybe the dude’s girlfriend became an ex- by taking up with the guy’s sister. Small world.

What do you get a couple that has millions of dollars, a mansion, and everything else money can buy? How about a couple of slaves? Wow. Just frickin’ wow.

The neighbor’s front door kept slamming. Door goes slam Slam SLAM! That’s IT! The partially blind, one-legged diabetic guy grabs a 10-inch knife and “terrified” his neighbors. Which part terrified them?

Dude goes to the trouble of stealing an entire tractor-trailer with a full load. It’s like a big treasure box! I wonder what is inside? Something really, really good, I bet! How about $250,000 of Skittles? Ouch, my colon knotted up at just the thought of it.

Fifty year-old guy lives with mom. OK, you already know we have a problem. He rents a working girl and brings her home. He brought his ho home? Oh, this is going to get bad. Ah, new problem: seems the dude only looked like a lady. Working girl was actually working guy dressed like a girl. 50 year-old mom’s boy didn’t quit know how to take the slight. So he took a garden hoe to the ho and killed him/her. Here’s a good test: talk dirty to your ho – if her pants gets tighter, it’s best to move on.

Thirty-two counts of sexual assault and domestic violence for Silly the Clown. Never liked clowns. See what happens when you presume the surface of someone reflects their inside? Sublimation …

Mom gets fed up with daughter being picked on. So she gets on the school bus and tells her 9 year-old to smack the kid. Um, I don’t understand. Where’s the crime?

OK, Quiz time!

1. When a deviant loves his lawn and a kid insists on crossing it, the deviant shoots him dead. Given the same facts, a nonconformist would:

A. Politely ask the youth to stay off the lawn, and proceed to explain the deleterious effect of repeated ingress and egress on the grass.
B. Place signs that read, “Please stay off the grass!” (adorned with smiley faces) at strategic locations around the perimeter of the property.
C. Sit in a lawn chair in the middle of the lawn 24/7 on the assumption that his presence would deter the casual trespass.
D. Track the path usually walked by the youth, and populate said area with all manner of foul material including itching powder, bovine fecal stuff, horse urine, and athlete’s-foot-in-a-can.

2. When a deviant brings a prostitute home to meet his mom, and the mom says, “Tommy, why are you wearing a dress?” the deviant takes a hoe to the ho. Given the same facts, a nonconformist would:

A. Do the same thing. Contractual breach, according to the Code of Hammurabi, is punishable by death.
B. Break down in tears, beg his mother to love him anyway, and commence with his nightly cold vinegar enema even though it is two hours before nighty-nighty time.
C. Ask mommy to go to bed, then realize the sexual fantasy he’s been nursing since he was 12.
D. Break out a bottle of Jack Daniels, ask as many questions as he could think of, and proceed to write a short story about an incredibly interesting life he was lucky enough to cross paths with an evening.

3. When a pair of deviants has everything money can buy, they add to their possessions by getting a couple of slaves. Given the same facts, a nonconformist would:

A. Also buy a cotton farm.
B. Learn southern gospel songs and have sing-alongs after the dinner dishes were cleaned.
C. Write scripts for plays, make the slaves perform, and sit in the audience wearing blackface.
D. Sign everything of value over to the enslaved, and ask the former slaves to hire them as their cleaning staff.

4. When a partially blind, one-legged diabetic deviant hears the door slam once too often, he grabs a big knife and threatens the offenders. Given the same facts, a nonconformist would:

A. Bounce up and down on his one leg on their front yard, sans knife, singing Bing Crosby’s “White Christmas” until the neighbors made the connection of one annoying behavior for another.
B. Set up a lemonade stand on his front yard with a sign that reads, “Charity to buy weather striping for a-hole neighbor’s front door.”
C. Slip next door in the middle of the night and Gorilla glue their door shut.
D. All of the above.

(Answer key: If you answered “D” to all of the questions, then you are a nonconformist. If you answered any other letter to any question, then you’re a deviant and should do us all a favor by advancing your expiration date.)