dysfunction at 30,000 feet

Q: “Hey, A, if I left Place X around noon, how long do you think it would take to get to Place Y?”

A: “About 30 minutes.”

Q: “Stop! Why are you telling me that? I’ll figure it out on my own.”

A: “Then why did you ask me?”

Q: “I wasn’t asking. I was thinking.”

A: “But you looked at me, and asked me a question.”

Q: “I didn’t. “

A: “Yes, you did.”

Q: “No, I didn’t.”

A: “Yes, you did. You said, ‘Hey A …’”

Q: “Well, I didn’t mean to.”

A: “Funny way of not meaning to. Funny ‘peculiar,’ as in ‘dysfunctional,’ not in the least ‘ha ha.’”

Q: “OK. I did ask you, but then I decided not to ask you.”

A: “But you asked quite clearly, so I answered.”

Q: “What’s your point?”

A: “I had no need or interest in answering a question. Then you asked one. So I answered it. Now you jump on me for doing what you asked of me.”

Q: “OK.”

A: “You’re fucked up.”

Q: “So are you. That’s why I didn’t want an answer from you.”

A: “Whatever.”

Q: “This conversation is over.”

A: “It never began.”

Just … can’t … help … yourself, … can … you? … See … below.

Deviance vs. Nonconformity

There is a difference between nonconformity and deviance. Nonconformity = cartoons, freedom of expression; deviance = criminal behavior. (Yeah, I teach criminal justice – I know, cut me a break, I’m making a point here. See the post or two below this one.) Below is a collection of deviance. Way beyond nonconformity. We learning anything yet? Pay attention. There will be a quiz.

Dude kills a 15 year old for walking on his lawn. Seems a little extreme.

The guy’s just a harmless panty sniffer. But, pal, 1,300 pairs! What’re thinking, buddy? Like to wear things that make you feel pretty? Somebody had to count these. Do you get hazard pay for that? Bet the cop union missed that potential when they negotiated the contract.

This is the true menace in society: men posting as sick boys on the net to get girls to send sexually explicit pics. 12 to 14 year olds? Dude, they are way cuter at 18 and up. C’mon, you’re 31! What is wrong with you?

He shot the cable guy? And it wasn’t even because he violated the, “I’ll be there between 8 and 12” rule by showing up at 2. He shot him because his own television set wasn’t cable-ready. Man. We need a little love here, people.

“I got an idea, honey, let’s fake our daughter’s kidnapping and get back at my sister and ex-girlfriend.” “Yeah, good plan.” “Yeah, I know we don’t live together, you and me, but we can make this work. We’ll put some of her school papers in their yard. Nobody’ll suspect anything.” Unspoken in the story, it seems, that maybe the dude’s girlfriend became an ex- by taking up with the guy’s sister. Small world.

What do you get a couple that has millions of dollars, a mansion, and everything else money can buy? How about a couple of slaves? Wow. Just frickin’ wow.

The neighbor’s front door kept slamming. Door goes slam Slam SLAM! That’s IT! The partially blind, one-legged diabetic guy grabs a 10-inch knife and “terrified” his neighbors. Which part terrified them?

Dude goes to the trouble of stealing an entire tractor-trailer with a full load. It’s like a big treasure box! I wonder what is inside? Something really, really good, I bet! How about $250,000 of Skittles? Ouch, my colon knotted up at just the thought of it.

Fifty year-old guy lives with mom. OK, you already know we have a problem. He rents a working girl and brings her home. He brought his ho home? Oh, this is going to get bad. Ah, new problem: seems the dude only looked like a lady. Working girl was actually working guy dressed like a girl. 50 year-old mom’s boy didn’t quit know how to take the slight. So he took a garden hoe to the ho and killed him/her. Here’s a good test: talk dirty to your ho – if her pants gets tighter, it’s best to move on.

Thirty-two counts of sexual assault and domestic violence for Silly the Clown. Never liked clowns. See what happens when you presume the surface of someone reflects their inside? Sublimation …

Mom gets fed up with daughter being picked on. So she gets on the school bus and tells her 9 year-old to smack the kid. Um, I don’t understand. Where’s the crime?

OK, Quiz time!

1. When a deviant loves his lawn and a kid insists on crossing it, the deviant shoots him dead. Given the same facts, a nonconformist would:

A. Politely ask the youth to stay off the lawn, and proceed to explain the deleterious effect of repeated ingress and egress on the grass.
B. Place signs that read, “Please stay off the grass!” (adorned with smiley faces) at strategic locations around the perimeter of the property.
C. Sit in a lawn chair in the middle of the lawn 24/7 on the assumption that his presence would deter the casual trespass.
D. Track the path usually walked by the youth, and populate said area with all manner of foul material including itching powder, bovine fecal stuff, horse urine, and athlete’s-foot-in-a-can.

2. When a deviant brings a prostitute home to meet his mom, and the mom says, “Tommy, why are you wearing a dress?” the deviant takes a hoe to the ho. Given the same facts, a nonconformist would:

A. Do the same thing. Contractual breach, according to the Code of Hammurabi, is punishable by death.
B. Break down in tears, beg his mother to love him anyway, and commence with his nightly cold vinegar enema even though it is two hours before nighty-nighty time.
C. Ask mommy to go to bed, then realize the sexual fantasy he’s been nursing since he was 12.
D. Break out a bottle of Jack Daniels, ask as many questions as he could think of, and proceed to write a short story about an incredibly interesting life he was lucky enough to cross paths with an evening.

3. When a pair of deviants has everything money can buy, they add to their possessions by getting a couple of slaves. Given the same facts, a nonconformist would:

A. Also buy a cotton farm.
B. Learn southern gospel songs and have sing-alongs after the dinner dishes were cleaned.
C. Write scripts for plays, make the slaves perform, and sit in the audience wearing blackface.
D. Sign everything of value over to the enslaved, and ask the former slaves to hire them as their cleaning staff.

4. When a partially blind, one-legged diabetic deviant hears the door slam once too often, he grabs a big knife and threatens the offenders. Given the same facts, a nonconformist would:

A. Bounce up and down on his one leg on their front yard, sans knife, singing Bing Crosby’s “White Christmas” until the neighbors made the connection of one annoying behavior for another.
B. Set up a lemonade stand on his front yard with a sign that reads, “Charity to buy weather striping for a-hole neighbor’s front door.”
C. Slip next door in the middle of the night and Gorilla glue their door shut.
D. All of the above.

(Answer key: If you answered “D” to all of the questions, then you are a nonconformist. If you answered any other letter to any question, then you’re a deviant and should do us all a favor by advancing your expiration date.)

The ventilator is running

UPDATE on 864-223-1911.

In college, I stepped onto the car port roof and promptly sliced my foot on a piece of glass. It was my left foot, inside, just short of my heel. A beautiful, deep gash from which blood spurted. It didn’t ooze or run. It spurted. I sat down and patiently stopped the blood loss over an untracked length of time. I forgot to think about pain.

It was about two weeks before I walked with unthinking pressure on that foot again. I walked without shoes or socks back onto the car port. Step. Slice. Spurt.

I didn’t simply reopen the old wound. How do I know? Although it seemed to be the exact same place and blood splatter, I removed the new piece of glass from the wound. Damn. This time I remembered to feel pain.

One of my roommates gave to me a small jar of orange salve. He said his grandmother gathered roots and flowers, and made the salve herself. He was from Caribou, Maine – so far north I suspect the caribou migrate south for the winter.

I applied the salve and it seemed to advance the healing rapidly. I used the salve for many years and hardly dented the amount in the jar. I had it until several years ago when someone threw it away without my knowledge or permission. I’m still a little cranky about losing it.

I started thinking about that salve because of what must be a change in FCC regs or broader statutory requirements. Whenever a drug commercial comes on, the not-a-real-sick-person-taking-our-drug-but-a-crack-abusing-actor-being-paid-to-say-what-we-write tells us how much better their stomach acid is because of taking the whatever-color-you-want pill. But, they helpfully add and downplay it through dismissive body language, “my doctor tells me that certain side effects may occur including explosive diarrhea, severe dehydration, cardiac arrhythmias, and, in documented but rare cases, spontaneous combustion. I should also tell my doctor what other medications I am taking and whether or not I vote regularly.”

I think I would rather the stomach acid. I’ll just avoid the moo-shoo pork.

Office Depot has a hard drive with a rebate. No need to link. Don’t feel like it. The drive is 100GB retailing for $80; the rebate is $60. To qualify you have to purchase the drive between October 1 and 7 inclusive. Today is October 3. Early in the rebate period, eh? So I add it to my shopping cart. Insufficient stock. One. Too many. Do I want to back order? Dunno – you gonna give me the rebate? I call 800/go-depot. “Good question. I will direct you to the rebate center at 866---.” I call. I’m an amiable dunce like that. Easily led. 1 for English. 2 for question on a rebate. 2 to speak with someone. “Because of exceptionally high call volume, you may have to wait up to five minutes to speak with a customer service representative.” OK. The nose ring is firmly in place. I’ll wai--- “We’re call, your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please hang up and try again.” I go back to 800/go-depot. “Yes, you are right. Back orders are typically received in 5 to 7 business days after placing your order. We cannot guaranty that you will receive this product in time to qualify for the rebate.”

In the 3d day of a 7 day rebate, they are bailing on the customer. Office Depot sucks.

OK. Last bitch, I promise. About a week ago I got a call. On my caller id it reads, “G & S Moore. 864-223-1911.” I don’t know them, but I don’t mind telling people they misdialed. I answered. Now, I am not just unlisted but private. I am on the do-not-call lists for Pennsylvania, federal, and inter-galactic. I detest unsolicited sales calls on par with crotch itch.

Yep, you guessed it. Sales call. Verizon Wireless. “I would like to tell you about …” No. Not interested. Pal, it’s 8 o’clock in the morning. On a Saturday. “But won’t you just listen to …” No. You are about to violate federal law (I had no idea). “OK. Thank you very much.”

But where did I go wrong? G&S Moore to Verizon Wireless? I reverse lookup the number. Gary and Scarlett Moore, 115 Carriage Ct., Greenwood, SC 29646. Odd. Seems like a private listing. Verizon is masking their origin to get through solicitation blocks? Seems unethical.

So last night the phone rings twice then stops. G&S Moore. Wow. I call back immediately. “We’re sorry, the number you have dialed is no longer in service. Please check the number and try again.” Wow.

There ought to be a law against such blatant manipulation of the phone system.

Enough. Bye