much-needed perspective

Sometimes in life we need a barometer by which to measure if we are doing ok. Events can appear insurmountable; depression can be seen or tasted. It helps oftentimes to view another’s life to put our own in perspective. Maybe with this frame of reference our cloud can have a silver lining, the sun may peak through.

The life and times of Bryan James Hathaway is my perspective for today. As the sports guy Jim Rome says, when a story starts with a guy’s name that includes his middle name, you just know the story is not going to end well.

Bryan, age 21, is from Superior, Wisconsin. Mayor Dave Ross seems like an agreeable fellow. Superior is way the hell up there, beyond Minneapolis. It’s further north than Quebec City! Check the demographics - there were more people living there in 1900 than there is now. It’s been in a population freefall since 1930.

What’s a person to do in Superior? Get in trouble it seems.

His legal troubles began at least as early as April 2005, when he pled guilty to having sexual relations with Bambrick, a 26-year-old horse, which he shot and killed for the express purpose of ensuring the presence of a passive lover. It seems he also pled out at the same time to taking a vehicle without the owner’s consent. Must have needed a ride. Got 18 months in the pokey for that plus a bunch of probation.

Being out of jail on the horse poke, it seems he was driving down the road and noticed – ut oh – a dead deer in a ditch. D-d-d, da-de-de-da, da-deer! Poor Bryan could not contain himself. Pull over, pull down, pull out, and poke in. Busted.

Part of his sentence was a probationary period that included no sexual contact with anything – including humans!

Poor boy, his probation got revoked last month for using alcohol and marijuana, lying to his probation agent, and having unapproved contact with a minor child and sexual relations with another adult.

Must be lonely up there in Superior, Wisconsin.

Feel differently than I do about this pathetic fuck? Then join the 142 people that have signed the Petition to free Bryan!

just talking ...

I don’t eat fully developed non-aquatic meat. So I am basically a veg, with fish, cheese, and eggs tossed in so that my male dominance has a place to be exercised. There’s a perverse joy in cracking open an egg, watching the unformed chicken turn opaque, and devouring the yoke as it drips off of toast all the while harboring this inner glow that I have saved a chicken from the horrors of commercial farming. In order to fully experience the moment, and avoid the harsh light of Socratic logic, I usually need to add distilled spirits to my coffee, this numbing my analytic abilities. That’s my reality: chronic inebriated narcissism. I think it might be a syndrome in Europe. Not sure. I should start a petition to get it recognized in DSM. It could be my legacy. Clyde’s Syndrome. We could get federal money to develop a fetal test for it. Liberal women could get abortions to avoid having kids like me. That’s an odd thought. “Don’t be a Clyde!” I could be a college course. There could be nervous expectations and hushed words shared about test results. “I have good news. You baby is not a Clyde,” followed by tears of joy. I think I may have something here.

In case you are wondering, here’s a helpful page with directions to roast an entire pig all at once. I have to throw up. brb.

I guess the legs are too long on a baby cow to cook the whole thing at once, so you to learn about the different cuts and how to cook those. Can I get a little “moo”?

This video is a bit over the top, but effective in seeing the worst practices. Mmm, good!

Want a funky (and free) email url such as yourname@DaddysBeenABadGirl.com? Sounds like a great coming-out present!

Need a custom warning label?



All for now ...

Woodstock, NY

I went to Woodstock this weekend. Is it a pilgrimage for hippies, like Mecca for Christian-haters, er, Muslims? (You see, I always get confused when books fundamental to a religion reads, “Now when you meet the unbelievers, smite their necks until you overcome them fully...” (Qur’an 47:4).)(Continued digression – what is wrong with you people? “Smite”? “Smite” them? That’s a little extreme, ain’t it? And just because we are “unbelievers” in your version of the afterlife? Can’t we – can’t we al – [I can never get this phrase out without bursting out laughing][focus, Clyde][breath deep, stretch toes (it works!)][OK] Can’t we all just get along?)(Full Disclosure: I had a Muslim guy make some crack to me Saturday morning when I was pumping my own gas. Seems it was a semi-full service gas station. The Muslim guys running it were wandering around helping people pump their gas. I was mid-pump before he got there. He walks up to me and says, “Ah, typical American! You think you can do everything!” I said with a smile, “Not everything, but I can pump gas.” He did this good natured laugh and walked away. I looked at the back of his turban thinking, “WTF was that?”).

Whew, man, where was I? Woodstock! Oh, yeah. I went to Woodstock, NY, this weekend. It was, um, interesting. Screaming liberals caught in a 40-year time warp. I am so incredibly happy for them that we are fighting a war in Iraq – it gives them the perfect parallel for Johnson and Vietnam (well, let’s be fair, they still think it was Nixon, but that’s absurd to anyone who wasn’t tripping their brains out constantly from 1963 through 1973 … oh yeah! Nevermind – Nixon’s war. Got it.)

Everywhere you look you see condemnation of President Bush and the war: Store fronts, telephone poles, car bumpers. Surprisingly, there completely lacked any innovation slogans. The most common, which also made appearances on yard signs, read simply, “Impeach.” OK. Whatever. Free country, free speech (thanks to President Bush’s appointment of conservatives to SCOTUS). Isn’t “impeach” a transitive verb? It needs an object, right? I understand sentences in a continuum where the subject can be understood to avoid redundancy, but I never saw an object-understood sentence. I also did not see any of the bumper stickers popular with liberals down here: “I support the troops. Bring them home.” (Ah, you support them as long as they don’t have to do what they are trained to do. Yeah, OK. Whatever.) So in Woodstock, they support neither the war nor the military. Funny how some things don’t change.

So what does Woodstock look like? Here’s the “Corner Cupboard.” The red cans out front read, “Butts.” I think they are port-a-potties. See the paper-laden telephone poles? The white paper facing the road reads, “Lost dog today.” Funny. The sign outdates itself in less than 24 hours. There’s foresight! “Ah, Flower, you need to tell them when you lost the dog, so they know how long ago.” “Um, yeah, I guess you’re right, Moonbeam. What day is it?” “Today.” “OK, I’ll put that.”

So I got up at 630 or 700 this morning. The place was putting out coffee at 900. 900? You run this place and you sleep in? People staying there are, like, tourists. Tourists get up and, well, tour. Coffee is a staple. Tourists get cranky without coffee, and me in particular having to wait until 900. Had to walk three blocks to find the first open place. Here’s where I eventually had coffee this morning. Yeah, this pic was taken in 1969. That’s Bob Dylan in the doorway. Same place, still there. They keep the coffee pots in the walk-in freezer. Still can’t figure that out. Maybe it has something to do with making iced coffee. How do you make iced coffee if the pot is warm? Makes sense on some stoned-out-for-decades basis, I guess.

This picture of the waterfalls is from 1900 or thereabouts. Same falls, still there. Nothing changes in Woodstock, it seems, except the inventory of the consumables: Weed, acid, mushrooms, coffee, guitar strings, hair dye. The things that stay the same include waterfalls, coffee shops, late risers, glossy eyes, mindless stares, clothes now threadbare, publicly accessible port-a-potties. Even the people are the same people that have been there since 1969. You see, when you come into town from the NYS Thruway on Route 212, the road bends to the left and becomes Tinker Street. OK, no problem. But when you go back there’s like this other road that you don’t see when you come in. So if you travel back down Tinker, the 212 thing is, like, other there, but then in front of you is this road. It, um, well, it’s freaky, cuz, like, if you go out that road then, like, it isn’t 212. I don’t know what it is, but it isn’t that 212 thing. So, I think we’d better turn around. Now, if you walk, it’s cool. The 212 thing comes up, and, hey, there’s “Not Fade Way”! Let’s go in! Maybe the new Janis shirt came in, or some new Jimi stuff. Then, like, before we know it, we’re on 212. But in a car, it just doesn’t work that way. Must be Bush's fault. So, well, may as well find a place to live, eh?

Doubt me? Compare these pics. See the guy in the BW, the one sitting up front? Same dude in color, just now he’s wearing a dress. Looks like the place he got to live is town square. Nice TV.



Woodstock, NY. Remarkable town.

Just … can’t … help … yourself, … can … you? … See … below.

helpful tips from your uncle clyde

I have always wondered about obsessive behavior. I don’t mean the good kind – like washing your hands 50 times or watching the clock tick second-by-second for 47 minutes (that’s 2,820 seconds; I know, I’ve sat with someone that did it because someone said they’d be home and weren’t). I mean the Einstein statement of insanity – doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result – type of obsession.

A person returns time and again to a rock. The rock is lifted, and perhaps the viewer expects to be comforted or, worse yet, knows he or she will be repulsed. Yet that person cannot stop him- or herself. Wherever their sojourn, they walk to the rock, lift it, and peer downward intently. They even know the burrows of the ground and what lay within them. Yet they cannot stop. Soon, they realize that the sojourn from which they deviated was designed to be sure that the rock was a part of it.

That is the bad kind of obsession.

If a person has the bad kind of obsession, it is time to stop looking at other people as the problem or the source of their ills. It is time to look inward. Yes, such an obsessed person really is that fucked up. Yes, those around him or her are right.

When that person can walk past the rock without even realizing it was there, then they are on the road to recovery. That’s a long way from present-day obsession. It is even further when one realizes that a rock so easily found cannot be every rock. There must be (and are) other rocks. And if the other rocks are not so easily found, it must be for a reason. The burrows under those rocks must be repulsive indeed! Bad obsession leads to paranoid delusions.

But never, ever forget: just because a person is certified “paranoid” (stamped ticket and all) has absolutely no bearing on the accuracy or inaccuracy of the assertion that people are, in fact, watching him or her.

If you think the former applies to you, jot down these DSM IV references: 300.3 Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, and 301.4 Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder.

Here’s your diagnostic criteria:

Marked inflexibility and preoccupation with orderliness, perfectionism, and mental / interpersonal control, as indicated by at least four of the following:

Marked preoccupation with details, lists, order, organization, rules, or schedules.

Marked perfectionism that interferes with the completion of the task.

Excessive devotion to work.

Excessive devotion and inflexible when it comes to ethics, morals, or values.

Can not throw out worn-out, useless, or worthless objects, with no sentimental value.

Insist others work or do task exactly as they would.

View money as something to hoarded.

Stubborn and rigid.

If you think that the latter also applies, also write down: 301 Paranoid Personality Disorder.

Here are your diagnostic criteria for this, um, situation:

Marked distrust of others, as indicated by at least four of the following:

Believes without reason that others are exploiting, harming, or trying to deceive her / him.

Unjustified doubts about a friends / associates loyalty or trustworthiness.

Believes with out reason that if she / he confides in others, this information somehow be used against her / him.

Finds hidden demeaning or threatening meanings in harmless remarks or events.

Unforgiving and bears grudges.

Believes with out reason that people are out to attack his / her character or reputation and is quick to react with anger.

Believes with out reason in the fidelity of their sexual partner.

When it comes to treating 301-PPD, I am fond of a transactional approach.

Specifically, transactional analysis focuses on the clients cognitive and behavior functioning. The therapist helps the client evaluate their past decisions and how those decisions affect their present life. They believe self-defeating behavior and feelings can be overcome by an awareness of them.

The therapist believes that the client’s personality is made up of the parent, adult, and child. They believe that it is important for the client to examine past decisions to help their make new and better decisions.

The transactional approach is also available for treatment of the OCs, but I personally prefer pharmacotherapy (better living through chemistry).

I hope this has been helpful.

idjit 4 wrent

When I was in Philadelphia the other day, and we were having lunch, someone mentioned about the fires in Greece being suspected terrorism. I don’t read the news. I shun every news source. I actively avoid learning anything about the news. It is a shame about the fires. I hope not too many people suffered. I surprised they didn’t blame it on the Turks. There historically has been such a complex hatred between the Turks and the Greeks.

“D-dd-d-do-ddo-o-o-d-doo.” Slow down. Form lips like an “O” with straight sides. “Do-ddo-ddooo-og—ga-e. Doggie! L-l-l-o-oo-k-ee at t-th-the pret-tee dogg-gie!”, whereupon having said that successfully, I am given an ice cream cone.

My kids and the live-in started K12 today. Seems like a well-structured program, although they are not fully organized yet – missing some books and a computer, the online assembly crashed, and a whole course is missing (being the one needed to explain online learning!). Besides that, running smoothly. 2,104 students in Pennsylvania. That’s a lot. Where’s my boy’s IEP?

I am interested to watch how they do things since I am knee-deep in designing a distance-learning school. The requirements are different for post-secondaries, but there should be something to learn. I want to see how they handle student services. Any idiot can design a course and keep a student occupied, but keeping the cats herded when they are restless can be more demanding. I think I will wait a week, and then raise hell over the lack of an IEP to see what structures they have in place. I’ll bring up the GED issue after that, but I’ll wait a month. It’s like probing an enemy’s defenses to find its weakness, but in a benevolent way.

My twin told me today that if I were a parent of one of her students, she would pass me off onto another teacher. I was somewhat taken aback by that comment. I thought she would be more dedicated to doing a good job. Hmphf!

I got a brochure in the mail today from Rent Mother Nature. I am not quite sure what to make of it. The concept is that you “lease” a cow or maple tree or lobster trap, etc., and you get to receive the cheese, syrup, or lobsters produced therefrom. (NOTE: “Therefrom” is not a word, but it should be) For example, for $49.95 you lease a branch on a cocoa tree. They harvest about three pounds, process it as either baking or drinking cocoa (your choice), and they mail you your product. Three pounds for $50. That’s $16 a pound. Is that a good price? You get a whole tree for only $59.95, but it only yields about five pounds. Must be not quite two producing branches on a tree. Didn’t know that.

So here’s the lobster trap deal: The Lease program includes: / A beautifully designed & personalized (parchment-look) lease document that is sent to your recipient. / An announcement folder (inscribed with your gift message) that describes the many benefits of your gift. / An entertaining & informative progress report (& an optional photo) to keep them up-to-date on aquaculture. / The Lobsters are delivered to the recipient's door on the date they request. / Satisfaction & bountiful yields are guaranteed. / We do all the work and you get all the raves (while helping support America's fishermen).

For $200, you get the above happy shit and at least 7-1/2 pounds of lobster. For $200. $200. $100 + $100 = $200. For $200, I could – literally – drive the eight hours to Maine, find some roadside stand, buy 10 pounds, and drive home. And still have enough money left over for a case of beer.

Better yet! For $170 you can get four dozen oysters. Man.

Nice concept. Woefully yuppie. But I could rent a sheep! Now, that co--- … oh. You get the fleece. I thought you got t---, and then you could say to the sheep, “who’s your daddy?” and then, well, um ... Nevermind.

I got a yard someone could lease. I would send pics to people in NYC. $69 a season. If I sell a bunch I will mow, then rake, then shovel, and whatever I am supposed to do in the spring. Maybe I could lease my dog, and I will be contractually bound to walk it. That’s an idea. I wonder if the National Association for the Blind would sell their membership list? I betcha there are a lot of guys that would love to help support my car as I drive around. They can’t anymore, and it seems to be the least I could do (in fact, it is the least I could do – seems pretty frickin’ cold, actually). I do all the docs in Braille. I could narrate a video. $69 a season. $169 if they want me to drive with the windows down. I think we might have something here – niche markets for leases.

You in prison or otherwise out of the Yankees marketplace? Send me $10 and you can lease me to watch the game for you! I’ll send you a quick note afterward, along with some press clippings. You’ll have the pleasure of knowing that someone is watching the game live on your behalf. I’ll put your name along with the rest of the f’g idiots that sent me $10 on a sheet of paper next to me. I’ll occasional insert your name in sentences like, “Wow, {you}, did you see that play?” and “Yo, {you}, wanna a beer? Good, get me one while you’re up.”

You shake your head. I’m telling you, if you packaged that idea right, there are enough idiots in this world to make you rich. Ten to fifteen people per game, $10 a game, 162 games – that’s upwards of $24,000 a year. You can watch 5 or 6 games in a day with MLB and multiple sets. That’s over $120,000 a year. Grow it to 100 people a game, and you crack $1,000,000. A hundred people out of 300,000,000 in the US alone. I haven’t met everyone in the United States, but I have met a hundred people stupid enough to buy into this idea. Imagine if you tapped into … oh, I better stop here. This is a gold mine! I better not publish this until I investigate it further. OK. [Ctrl]-A, [del]. Whew! Almost gave away the farm!

I better go before someone reads my mind. I left my tinfoil downstairs. I thought I wouldn’t need it anymore today since the voices quieted down.

clinically speaking ...

I’ve met some rather cold people in my time. In fact, if the temperature of their soul could be measured, they would be labeled clinically dead.

To go through life well means to avoid placing your needs over the needs of others, even to your detriment. I don’t use “detriment” lightly. I am thinking of the interplay of needs and desires. If you want to live as you should, you place both your needs and your desires below those of others.

Here’s a chart to help you understand:



Notice the duality of your needs and desires being below those of the other person. Not even what you perceive to be your need rises above what you perceive to be in conflict with the other’s “mere desire.”

This applies likewise in the negative. I should do another chart to be clear, but I am hoping that the reader can get by with one visual. By the negative, I mean that your perceived or actual need cannot run afoul of the other person’s desire not to be subjected to your perceived or actual need.

There is actually a very real consequence to ignoring these very basic rules. In human interaction, it is alienation, loss of love (if it existed), and resentment. The damage to the aggrieved is even worse: feelings of powerlessness, helplessness, and trauma.

I have watched people rationalize their actions of placing their needs or desires over those of others. I have heard the argument, “it is a matter of right. I can do this because I am allowed to.” “Allowed to?” Ignoring the impact on others? “Allowed to?” Watching another suffer because you have the “right”?

I have the right to many things in this world. I have the right to practice law, but I chose not to because I find that it makes me feel dirty. Doesn’t matter how much joy I would get out of the income or the thrill of talking to a jury or wiping up the floor with some punk-ass opposing expert. It makes me feel dirty. The gratification I get is hollow. I chose to honor the profession by training others in how to do it well, but I stay out of it. I don’t like feeling dirty. I don’t making others feel dirty.

I don’t do things against another’s will, be that grounded in their needs or desires. It makes me feel dirty.

But I have watched many people live contrary to this basic precept. I have heard those same people say later in the game, with the greatest look of astonishment, “I didn’t know.” To which the rejoinder comes, “You didn’t want to.”

I often think of animals when I look at the actions of humans. Why would someone act so deliberately contrary to human norms in the name of “right” or “I didn’t know”? We are a higher-life form, after all.

Consider personalities.

Markings on animals do not alter over time. Personalities embodied therein do not morph into something inapposite of where they began. Changes that do occur are gradual, can be traced to their previous state, and rarely wander far from their origins.

If an animal is mean-spirited or passive, self-serving or supportive, takes flight at danger or stands ground, either because it always was or because of some formative event early its life, it will remain that way its entire existence. The only change is not a change at all, but an evolution: the animal will experience decreasing energy as life extracts its pennyweight or there will be an increase in guile. Both lead to the same place: the animal will choose its timing with more circumspection.

Any material change will be only by the greatest force of will, and will dissipate rapidly over time. It matters not how important or deeply held the impetus. Change is foreign and uncomfortable. Animals always return to their origins. Always.

Consider an animal that stalks to achieve comfort, compelling others to do its will only after it has cornered them. If the stalked revolt, the stalker will change tactics. But therein lies the first lesson: the tactic changed, not the strategy or the goal. The goal remains the same, which is achieving comfort. The goal never altered to be the one giving comfort. That is foreign. That is not within the stalker’s ability.

If the stalker does change to giving comfort, it will soon grow weary without its own needs being tended. It will wonder why it is not at least treated equally, that is, why its needs aren’t being tended. Therein lies the second lesson: see how quickly the changed role becomes uncomfortable, how quickly change again is sought?

Animals do not change. They are cast in a mold. They exhibit changes only as a shift in tactics. They will always seek that which they have always sought.

Humans, in these ways, are no different than animals.

I suggest that to be a human is of a higher order than being an animal, yet most of us blow past the distinction when it comes to satisfying our needs or desires. We follow our own personality, room temperature or lower.

The difference between humans and animals is supposed to be our capacity to reflect. Reflection requires understanding someone else’s needs and desires, and changing our behavior based upon those things.

Oh well.

narsissisticly obsessed. got a problem with that?

So no posts for weeks, and here I am twice in the same evening. You must be special. Stirring memories of warmer days when my heart was not as cauterized as it is now, days when I actually cared. I am not uncaring in the least, but I remember a time when many things moved me deeply. I remember my shell not seeming so hard and my core not feeling so rancid.

Can you be the opposite of something? I sure ain’t narcissistic. Here’s the definition I pulled.

1. Has a grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements)
2. Is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
3. Believes that he or she is "special" and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions)
4. Requires excessive admiration
5. Has a sense of entitlement, i.e., unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations
6. Is interpersonally exploitative, i.e., takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends
7. Lacks empathy: is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others
8. Is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him or her
9. Shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes

Well, it isn’t all that far off in some respects. Let’s deconstruct it.

Grandiose sense of self-importance? I am important, dammit. But the disproportionate aspect of effort to reward doesn’t apply to me. In fact, I work hard regardless of the reward. Narcissism 0, Clyde 1.

Preoccupied with fantasies? Isn’t everyone? The issue I have is with the word “preoccupied.” If I am here thinking about something, I am occupied with those thoughts. To be “preoccupied,” is it asking what I was thinking before I was thinking? That is very confusing to me. I am taking the point. Narcissism 0, Clyde 2.

Well, I am special. That’s what the lady on the short bus told me as I entered wearing my foot ball helmet. She was nice. Gave me cookies sometimes. Associate with high-status people? You mean the beautiful people? I would rather have my colon removed, again. My point. Narcissism 0, Clyde 3.

Admiration? Try this. Shut the fuck up; leave me alone or I’ll call the cops. Narcissism 0, Clyde 4.

(I should be a psych. I’m good at this!)

Entitlement. Seems a close variation of number 1. I do, however, think that people should automatically comply with my requests. It only makes sense, because I am right. Exceedingly so. OK. Narcissism 1, Clyde 4.

Exploitative? No. I use people for my own bitter purposes – but exploit them? That’s cold. My point. Narcissism 1, Clyde 5.

Lacks empathy. No argument here. In fact, we’ll give them a bonus point! Narcissism 3, Clyde 5.

Often envious? I could give a rip if the person next to me spontaneously exploded. My point. Narcissism 3, Clyde 6.

Arrogant? Moi? It is to laugh. Fine. Be that way. Narcissism 4, Clyde 6.

Conclusion? Borderline Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Very cool.

My twin said to be today that I have a bit of OCD in me. I think if she thinks it is “a bit” then she doesn’t see me enough. I’ll look for a self-diagnosis checklist for Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder and continue this discussion.

Can I write my own scripts?

OK, back. Sorry for the delay. Had to find the American definition for OCD. Isn’t it comforting to know that between use and Europe, with two different standards, one could be saying, “Oh, he’s fine!” and the saying, “Medic!”

Obsessions as defined by (1), (2), (3), and (4):
1. Recurrent and persistent thoughts, impulses, or images that are experienced, at some time during the disturbance, as intrusive and inappropriate and that cause marked anxiety or distress
2. The thoughts, impulses, or images are not simply excessive worries about real-life problems
3. The person attempts to ignore or suppress such thoughts, impulses, or images, or to neutralize them with some other thought or action
4. The person recognizes that the obsessional thoughts, impulses, or images are a product of his or her own mind (not imposed from without as in thought insertion)

Compulsions as defined by (1) and (2):
1. Repetitive behaviors (e.g., hand washing, ordering, checking) or mental acts (e.g., praying, counting, repeating words silently) that the person feels driven to perform in response to an obsession, or according to rules that must be applied rigidly
2. The behaviors or mental acts are aimed at preventing or reducing distress or preventing some dreaded event or situation; however, these behaviors or mental acts either are not connected in a realistic way with what they are designed to neutralize or prevent or are clearly excessive

Ut-oh. We better not go here yet. My leg is tapping and throat getting dry. Boy, my left thumb aches so badly. I gotta go.

personality tests

i took a test. i guess can't complain about being a visionary. i took one a while ago and it told me i was a lesbian.

blues news

I love stories that let me know that I am not so alone in doing pathetically stupid things in this world. To wit …

Zimbabwe’s Mugabi (sounds like a stew of some kind) is going to nationalize 51% of the ownership of most foreign-based companies and … wait for it … give that ownership interest over to the economically disadvantaged, "indigenous" Zimbabweans. That makes a lot of sense. Take companies that are employing your people, propping up your embarrassing economy and give control to the unemployed. Wow. How drunk were you when that thought came to mind?

OK, let’s see whose phallus is bigger while 27 people bob around on a tuna net. the Maltese and Libyan governments argued over who should save them from drowning . Italy finally stepped in and saved them.

Governments silencing opposition does not end the discussion. So, when Venezuela replaced opposition TV with state network all they did was ensure an underground market in adverse communication got stronger. Meatheads.

Under the caption of, “Run for your lives!” comes the headline, “Burma gears up to join axis of evil.” Yeah, right. So they are going to sell their natural resources and buy weapons. OK. To what, shoot yaks? I thought Burma made and exported Gummi Bears or something like that. It will be humorous to see the footage of them standing in a circle during target practice. Maybe Doctors without Borders can be on stand-by.

Speaking of self-delusion, the dude running Pakistan actually said, “Al Qaeda leaders not present in Pak.” Yes, we have looked. They are not here. Nope, nowhere. I can assure you that Al Qaeda is not … zing! … run for cover! Whew, that was close. OK, where was I? Oh, yes, Al Qaeda is not pre … (Anwar, please check my bank account and see that Sheik Osama’s money has been credited) …

Speaking of self-promoting, the Muslims have a problem. Yeah, gross understatement, but one in particular. You see, if you drift down a few posts, they run the top five countries surfing the net for porn, yet the Quran forbids a man being alone with a woman. So, what is left for a good Muslim to do but yank the ankle spanker to 2D women? Seems reasonable. After all, Mohammad (Peanut Butter Unto Ho’s) must have known something they don’t quite get. Think, think, think. There must be a way around this. Got it! If, now follow me, if a brother has a need (ok?) for, um, milk of a special kind, yes, that’s it, special milk and, um, a woman is, (what’s the word?) giving milk – lactating, yes, that’s it – then the man and woman must be alone in order to give such special milk. So, out comes a Fatwa allowing adult breastfeeding. So let it be said, so let it be written, so let it be done. Who are these people?

Speaking of getting your knickers in a bunch, how about the court ruling that held, “Gay Australian pub wins right to ban straights.” What’s the test? Do you have to just say you are gay, or do you have to walk or talk a certain way? Is there a two-encounter minimum? Do you have to fondle the bouncer on the way in?

There is a bit of good news today. Although SCOTUS in 1977 said that the death penalty was disproportionate to the crime of raping an adult (the opinion being that of nine men with no relevant experience), the question of death for raping a child was still unresolved. Seems we are moving in the right direction. The Louisiana Supreme Court last week upheld the death sentence for a pedophile, and the governor of Texas is soon to sign into law legislation to that effect. I am actually a bit torn on the issue. I think the compromise is to give them ten years in the prison general population, then execute them.

Gotta run. Work be at hand …

Deviance vs. Nonconformity

There is a difference between nonconformity and deviance. Nonconformity = cartoons, freedom of expression; deviance = criminal behavior. (Yeah, I teach criminal justice – I know, cut me a break, I’m making a point here. See the post or two below this one.) Below is a collection of deviance. Way beyond nonconformity. We learning anything yet? Pay attention. There will be a quiz.

Dude kills a 15 year old for walking on his lawn. Seems a little extreme.

The guy’s just a harmless panty sniffer. But, pal, 1,300 pairs! What’re thinking, buddy? Like to wear things that make you feel pretty? Somebody had to count these. Do you get hazard pay for that? Bet the cop union missed that potential when they negotiated the contract.

This is the true menace in society: men posting as sick boys on the net to get girls to send sexually explicit pics. 12 to 14 year olds? Dude, they are way cuter at 18 and up. C’mon, you’re 31! What is wrong with you?

He shot the cable guy? And it wasn’t even because he violated the, “I’ll be there between 8 and 12” rule by showing up at 2. He shot him because his own television set wasn’t cable-ready. Man. We need a little love here, people.

“I got an idea, honey, let’s fake our daughter’s kidnapping and get back at my sister and ex-girlfriend.” “Yeah, good plan.” “Yeah, I know we don’t live together, you and me, but we can make this work. We’ll put some of her school papers in their yard. Nobody’ll suspect anything.” Unspoken in the story, it seems, that maybe the dude’s girlfriend became an ex- by taking up with the guy’s sister. Small world.

What do you get a couple that has millions of dollars, a mansion, and everything else money can buy? How about a couple of slaves? Wow. Just frickin’ wow.

The neighbor’s front door kept slamming. Door goes slam Slam SLAM! That’s IT! The partially blind, one-legged diabetic guy grabs a 10-inch knife and “terrified” his neighbors. Which part terrified them?

Dude goes to the trouble of stealing an entire tractor-trailer with a full load. It’s like a big treasure box! I wonder what is inside? Something really, really good, I bet! How about $250,000 of Skittles? Ouch, my colon knotted up at just the thought of it.

Fifty year-old guy lives with mom. OK, you already know we have a problem. He rents a working girl and brings her home. He brought his ho home? Oh, this is going to get bad. Ah, new problem: seems the dude only looked like a lady. Working girl was actually working guy dressed like a girl. 50 year-old mom’s boy didn’t quit know how to take the slight. So he took a garden hoe to the ho and killed him/her. Here’s a good test: talk dirty to your ho – if her pants gets tighter, it’s best to move on.

Thirty-two counts of sexual assault and domestic violence for Silly the Clown. Never liked clowns. See what happens when you presume the surface of someone reflects their inside? Sublimation …

Mom gets fed up with daughter being picked on. So she gets on the school bus and tells her 9 year-old to smack the kid. Um, I don’t understand. Where’s the crime?

OK, Quiz time!

1. When a deviant loves his lawn and a kid insists on crossing it, the deviant shoots him dead. Given the same facts, a nonconformist would:

A. Politely ask the youth to stay off the lawn, and proceed to explain the deleterious effect of repeated ingress and egress on the grass.
B. Place signs that read, “Please stay off the grass!” (adorned with smiley faces) at strategic locations around the perimeter of the property.
C. Sit in a lawn chair in the middle of the lawn 24/7 on the assumption that his presence would deter the casual trespass.
D. Track the path usually walked by the youth, and populate said area with all manner of foul material including itching powder, bovine fecal stuff, horse urine, and athlete’s-foot-in-a-can.

2. When a deviant brings a prostitute home to meet his mom, and the mom says, “Tommy, why are you wearing a dress?” the deviant takes a hoe to the ho. Given the same facts, a nonconformist would:

A. Do the same thing. Contractual breach, according to the Code of Hammurabi, is punishable by death.
B. Break down in tears, beg his mother to love him anyway, and commence with his nightly cold vinegar enema even though it is two hours before nighty-nighty time.
C. Ask mommy to go to bed, then realize the sexual fantasy he’s been nursing since he was 12.
D. Break out a bottle of Jack Daniels, ask as many questions as he could think of, and proceed to write a short story about an incredibly interesting life he was lucky enough to cross paths with an evening.

3. When a pair of deviants has everything money can buy, they add to their possessions by getting a couple of slaves. Given the same facts, a nonconformist would:

A. Also buy a cotton farm.
B. Learn southern gospel songs and have sing-alongs after the dinner dishes were cleaned.
C. Write scripts for plays, make the slaves perform, and sit in the audience wearing blackface.
D. Sign everything of value over to the enslaved, and ask the former slaves to hire them as their cleaning staff.

4. When a partially blind, one-legged diabetic deviant hears the door slam once too often, he grabs a big knife and threatens the offenders. Given the same facts, a nonconformist would:

A. Bounce up and down on his one leg on their front yard, sans knife, singing Bing Crosby’s “White Christmas” until the neighbors made the connection of one annoying behavior for another.
B. Set up a lemonade stand on his front yard with a sign that reads, “Charity to buy weather striping for a-hole neighbor’s front door.”
C. Slip next door in the middle of the night and Gorilla glue their door shut.
D. All of the above.

(Answer key: If you answered “D” to all of the questions, then you are a nonconformist. If you answered any other letter to any question, then you’re a deviant and should do us all a favor by advancing your expiration date.)